Virgin
Sorry folks. Long story coming………

A while back I used to live in Manchester but work in London so it meant a weekly commute down to the smoke on a Monday and back on a Friday.

The return journey was always shit. The train was *always* packed to the roof with standing room only on a Friday night - unless you had a reserved seat which I always did.

So this one Friday, after a brutal week at work, I had a couple of pints before girding my loins and getting on the bloody Virgin train north. As usual, the train was packed to buggery and I found my seat and turfed out some chancer who had tried to nick my reserved seat. I grumpily settled in for the journey home.

Hmmmm. Train not moving. What's up? Then I heard the guard shouting:

"Move down, move down"

And the bastards were cramming more people on this already hideously overcrowded train. Bastards. Still, the train pulled away eventually and I lifted my eyes from my book and saw an exhausted looking girl carrying a baby. And she was standing. Standing all the way from London to Manchester - it was a non-stopping service.

Now I was brought up is to have a few manners. Woman with baby standing - me sitting - not right. So I stood up and offered her my seat, which she gratefully accepted, and I decided to bugger off to the restaurant car and try and get a seat there. I was also quietly boiling about how packed this train was and by the time I'd fought my way up the packed aisles I and reached the restaurant car I was bloody furious with Virgin.

As the food in the restaurant is extortionate it was, as usual, pretty quiet and I managed to get a seat. In fact, I managed to get a double seat to myself. And, as I looked up into First Class, I could see that there was hardly a soul up there in the posh seats. Well that just about did it. I passed from being really, really angry and reached let's-see-how-much-trouble-I-can-cause mode.

So I ordered a bottle of wine and a big meal. I sank the bottle in about 30 minutes (ever noticed how quickly you can drink when you're angry?) and ordered another one. Meal arrived, polished that off and ordered a large whiskey. As that arrived, so did Mr Ticket Inspector.

"Tickets please!" he trilled.

"And you can fuck off as well" I said. "I've got a valid ticket but there's no way I'm showing it to you. And another thing. See this food and booze I've just eaten? - Well I'm not paying for that either. It's a bloody disgrace the way you've packed this train. In fact, I'm pretty sure you're breaking some sort of Health and Safety laws. And, while I'm on, why hell aren't you letting those poor buggers who are standing have the unused seats in first class?"

Well, I was off on one now. I tore into him for about 15 minutes about how crap his company was and how he should be ashamed to be working for them. I ranted on about overcrowding and the idiocy of packing people in like cattle and leaving all that space in first class.

He wasn't happy and eventually we had a slanging match and he said if I didn't produce my ticket and didn't pay for my meal then he would call ahead and have the Transport Police waiting for me when we got to Manchester.

"YOU BLOODY MORON" I yelled. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT! I *WANT* TO BE ARRESTED. I WANT TO BE TAKEN TO COURT. AND WHEN I'M THERE I'LL MAKE SURE THAT THE FUCKING PRESS ARE AS WELL SO I CAN GET MY VIEWS ACROSS ON HOW YOU BLOODY BASTARDS ARE CRAMMING THE TRAINS TO DANGEROUS LEVELS JUST TO MAKE A FEW QUID. NOW PISS OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE....."

Honestly people - I very, very rarely lose my temper but that day I'd just had enough.

Obviously this story is a Legless repost from about 1903 or something. I thought I'd insert this paragraph to see if anyone actually reads QOTW stories these days, and if the mods actually give a shit about using it as a random pasting board, or if everyone just assumes "shit, 30 paras of text, that must be Skagra" and tl;drs straight to the comments.

So we eventually arrived in Manchester and I sat quietly in my seat and waited for the police to arrive. After about 15 minutes, still no sign of Plod so I decided to go looking for the guard and present myself for arrest. I had to hunt around a bit but eventually found him.

"Well. Here I am. Where's the law. I want to be arrested." I said.

"I've had a word with the station manager and we've decided, in the circumstances, not to have you arrested after all" says guard.

I just looked at him.

"You, and your company, are a fucking bunch of gutless wonders...."

And off I wandered into the night.

Cheers
(Guy Debord cette mauvaise réputation..., Mon 22 Sep 2014, 22:57, 20 replies)

alright Craig Colclough

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 22 Sep 2014, 23:02, closed)

Good story, would read again and again.
Didn't like the non sequitur towards the end. Didn't make any sense within the context as a whole... it's almost as if someone else cut and pasted something intentionally bizarre into the middle and it somewhat detracted from the pleasant pace of the whole thing.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 22 Sep 2014, 23:05, closed)

Cheers.
(and cheers!)
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Mon 22 Sep 2014, 23:22, closed)

Top kek.

(spl00sh!, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 7:45, closed)

of course you could have always just done the first class weekend upgrade and never had been anywhere near cattle class.
Cheers
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 7:46, closed)

i like the bit where jon snow gets stabbed by the rest of the black watch because they think he's betrayed them

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 8:02, closed)

Virgin Trains won't go north of The Wall, after midnight.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 10:03, closed)

I liked it when it turns out that Jon Snow was actually Robert Barratheon's bastard, giving him a clearer claim to the throne than the Lannisters
And when Dennis Pennis brings Catelyn Stark back from the dead
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 11:00, closed)

I like the bit where they get their tits out
gives me a right lob on
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 11:56, closed)

I like that bit where I've never actually seen it but the internet seems to like it.

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 12:44, closed)

Everyone is well jell of your casual detachment from popular culture.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 13:45, closed)

you should have seen how sanguine I was when the new U2 album appeared on my iDevices

(sock puppet 94980 your personal details here, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 14:02, closed)

*gasp*
I'll bet you thumped it, said "eyyy", and gave a thumbs up, to make it disappear.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 14:17, closed)

Too many line breaks to be Skagra.
He's the Phil Spector of typesetting.
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 11:31, closed)

Phil Ticket in type train
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 23 Sep 2014, 12:53, closed)

This is an equally valid observation.

( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Tue 23 Sep 2014, 13:49, closed)

You could at least have broken something.

( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Thu 25 Sep 2014, 8:44, closed)