High Birch
was the name of the special school down the road from the middle school I endured. Every so often, the 'Birchers' would troop up to our playing fields at dinnertime for a mass fight. Not being especially well-coordinated they inevitably got hammered, in a cartoon-like cloud of flying orthopaedic boots and calipers. Me? Being a specky wimp I watched the whole spectacle from the library
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 22:06, Reply)

Food fight!
Haha, it was pretty funny at the time...

We were in year 10, and it was year 11's last day of school before study leave. They were all celebrating, knifing the school's minibuses, whatever... So a rumor spreads round that school that there's going to be a huge food fight at lunch and It'll be great.

I go into lunch and have come out again too early and I missed the fun, but what I'm told happened was everyone was sitting around, piles of food ready, waiting for this food fight to start... But the year 11s do nothing. So a year 10 boy thinks fuck this, gets up, yells food fight, and suddenly food is flying through the air in all directions. Aparently it was magical lol. And the year 11s got the blaim and had some event cancelled...

Though I felt a bit bad when in the afternoon my history teacher- a senior magnagement teacher and the nicest christian guy you'll meet (he'd twitch when angry) turned up to my lesson in trakkie bottoms and t-shirt because his suit was wrecked. Poor guy.
(piratischoo, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Yes, I had a fight with a school once...
It sure taught me a thing or two.
( Malchick, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 21:02, Reply)

remembered another one
there was this guy at my primary school who always liked chasing me, throwing things at me, taunting me in the playground, etc. He had issues at home or something. One day he decided, for a laugh, to get a whole bunch of his mates to join him for his daily chase-and-beat-up routine. I was scared shitless and after five minutes of running away from this gang of boys, the Chief Antagonist caught up with me and tried to strangle me/punch me in the back. I freaked out and bit him in the arm and didn't let go until I saw blood. I also ripped his shirt.

After that, back in class, the little pussy ass-wipe piece of shit actually had the nerve to complain to a teacher about the fact that I'd bitten him and torn his shirt.

I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday, when the teacher told him "Well you deserved it, and you're going to have to explain to your mother why your shirts in such a mess, won't you?"

There are real benefits of being a harmless, defenseless little girl.
HA! Fucker.
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:49, Reply)

primary school
When i was at primary school i was an exceptionally small little girl for my age and didn't get into any real fights because a) the fact that I could draw well was a Season Survival Ticket, that made me "ok" with all the tough, stupid fuckers, and b) because I was so fucking tiny and pathetic-looking, getting involved in a fight with me could only result in my death.

My primary school was a little Roman-Catholic one with a lot of disabled, mentally retarded and foreign kids (it was popular for being "open-minded").

There was this bulky Russian kid with little slits for eyes who had never liked me much but was largely indifferent to me and I to him. One of my "friends" told me, one day, to go up to him and tell him that he had a "spare-tyre". At the time I didn't know what a "spare tyre" was, but for some stupid reason I went up to him and delivered the message. He got me up against a sandstone wall and kicked the shit out of me for about ten minutes.

Later in the day I left a chocolate spread sandwich on his chair and he spent the rest of the day looking like he'd shat himself.

Fucking asshole.
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:43, Reply)

Not me but a friend of mine...
had been on the receiving end of nine years worth of insufferable bullying. Said bully went to the same junior school, then the same high school as his victims, my friend David and I (we were both puny saps back then, hence we both just soaked it all up).

Anyway, come the end of year 11, and, thank God, we're almost out of school. David decides he can't leave that place without some sort of payback. I mean what did he have to lose? I find out that he had been planning this for the past year, doing some weight lifting at home, becoming stronger, and reading all sorts of things about fighting on the internet (but never actually actively learning any moves). I was pretty skeptical... neither of us had ever been in, let alone won, a fight. So it was all in theory.

3 days before the exams start. Science lesson and the teacher goes out supposedly to get a message to a colleague (although I reckon he just wanted a fag). Bully, who sits at the back of the class, throws a pencil at David, which falls to the floor and breaks. "You broke my pencil!" he shouts upon picking it back up. Just then David swung around, performing a perfect bicycle kick to his jaw. At least that's what I half expected. But nothing. He just sits there. Bully sits back down.

Fast forward 3 days. Both of us walking to school for Science exam. Bully comes up to David. "Oy, you got a pencil I can borrow?" This time, David really DID take a swing at him. A little off target, just hitting the side of his head, but he quickly made up for this sloppiness by grabbing his hair at the back and, pulling back slightly to charge up, he slams his face into the nearby brick wall. 4 times. Bully's nose broke, and he staggered about a bit as the two of us legged it. He was too proud to admit what really happened, so everybody, including his parents, still believe he broke his nose "because he fell off his bike while going down Warden Hill". The Warden Hill part wasn't really necessary, but he thought it made him look harder.

He managed to get to one of his exams, so David went up to him and offered him a spare pencil. He declined.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 18:13, Reply)

We don't really have many fights in our school.
Once near the busstop I ended up fighting a few girls from a different school though.

I was in year 7, they were in year 9 or so.

I didn't have my glasses at the time. Lucky though, since one wacked me with a DT folder.

I don't remember much of it.

/boring school life
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 18:04, Reply)

FIGHT!!
I remember in Primary School i was in year 4 and my little sister had just started 4+, there was this little lad who was always picking on my sis and making her cry. She came to me about 3 weeks later crying because he had not stopped hitting her and generally taking the piss.

He thought he was really tough, i went over to the 4+ pen and grabbed him by the throat and threatend to shove his small plimsoles up his arse.

He ran off crying and got the head of 4+ who congradulated me for giving him a kicking! nice!
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 17:53, Reply)

bursting rugby balls..
I've never been in a fight, but i recall a funny one i was (un)lucky enough to witness..

2nd year at School, aged 13 or so. Wrestling is all the rage and of course boys will be boys, giving each other wrestling moves and pretty much experimenting how much they can get away with without killing each other. Anyway, 2 lads in the year below me obviously got a bit heated in the midst of this and decided to start pummeling each other.. the obligatory circle forms around the tussle and we're all enjoying the first fight we'd seen for ages.

*PUNCH*
*PUNCH*

*PUNCH BACK*
*KICK IN THE GROIN*

A collected "ooooooh" rings around and the fight stops almost immediately as the receiver sinks to the ground. He was really hurt, teachers are called, then an ambulance.

People come in the next day to the news that the ferocious kick to the balls has actually ruputured and essentially *burst* a testicle.

It being the nature of little cocky bastards, the one ball maestro comes in the next week and claims he won the fight.
He may say that, but i'm sure the name "One Ball Brown" is still famous in my school to this date!
(descending, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Swimming lessons
I started swimming lessons when I was 15/16..I was a good 8 years older than everyone else in the class....I had a medical condition okay!

Anyways....One of the lads had a younger bro who was a cocky little fuck, and used to come in and stir up his brother and boot him because he knew his brother would be in the shit with Mummy if he laid a finger on him.

One day, the lad was sat next to me getting changed, when younger Bro came in, and stood on my towel...I said "Oi, get off my towel" Kid said no then tried to kick me...I caught his leg, he fell over and cracked his head on the Changing Room concrete and started wailing...the kids looked at me with respect....then FEAR as they said "SHIT! You'd better get out of here...he'll grass you up to his mummy!" - I scarpered, and never got in trouble, but always got respect from the kids AND the little sod never came back....
I also learned to swim.
(Rockster77, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Strange hatred
When I was in college, I was sitting in the cafeteria one day, and I saw this nerd guy with his tray going from table to table, trying to find a place to sit. He looked so much like me, not in appearance but in social awkwardness.

For some reason, I wanted to dump his tray and start pounding him.

I was usually the one getting his tray dumped (in junion high, not college), and I hated it, so why did I have this uncontrollable urge to do the same thing to him?

The urge passed, but I still can't explain it.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:46, Reply)

School Fights
I got in a fight with a girl at school and she kicked me in the nads, quick as a flash I kicked her back in the clunge, but unluckily for me the headteacher only saw the latter and my parents were informed that I was a cunt kicker.....
( Wildyles is back to rimming chimps, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:44, Reply)

I used to get attacked by girls at Junior school... They used to pull my hair and stuff. I think it may have been because they actually wanted to do me. Yesh.. I'll just keep thinking that...
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 15:02, Reply)

My only fight to date
and it wasn't really a big fight, but it was all I have to speak of.

This is a bit long sorry. Those who get bored easily might want to stop reading now.

Last couple of weeks of school (5th year, so I was 15), sitting in geography (last lesson of the day), pissing about. Two of the classrooms were connected by a small staff room. The doors were open, so I could see through. Well, this one kid called Bobby (his actual name was Wei Hung, but that's a bit tricky on the class register) was gesticulating through the gap, and really cussing me. Ok, I kind of started it by mouthing out he was a wanker. and he really was. Completely irritating, 5 years of sitting next to or very near him in form. Really spoilt, and used to like to brag about what he'd got, but as soon as you'd take a close look, or ask about it, he got defensive and selfish. Anyway, trust me, fucknut.

Back to Geography. It came to the end of the lesson, and we were waiting to depart. Well, I decided I was gonna thump the little shit. So, I made sure I was first out of the door. He tried to as well, but to escape. and a few digs in the arm and chest, and with 3 classrooms full of kids now crowding around, I started to knock him about a bit. Slaps, rib-digs, nothing major. Then someone screams 'hit im f*ckin hard' (Bobby was hated by everyone except loner Phil[But he's another tale entirely]) so, I decided to thwack him on the top of his head, then sat on him (I'm a biggish guy, so it seemed apt to squash the twunt) After that, it all seemed to end, and he came into school the next day with a couple of scratches he got 'dry-shaving'

I wish I'd have really paled him. I've regretted never beating him to a pulp. I still think about going to his take-out and unleashing hell.
( Mart No Fool No posts but lots of stalks recently., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:54, Reply)

Cruel really but naturally we all laughed.
This kid called Cohen was a rather unfortunate chap and also had a really firey temper on him.

He also had one massive cork heel on a specially made pair of Converse All Stars to aid/correct his terrible flid walk.

The lunchtime routine usually entailed someone winding him up, him 'legging it' after them like some crazed broken robot and then a circle of onlookers forming to watch the ensuing 'fight'.

This entailed Cohen having a go at whoever and then having a fit, all the while this huge cork heel flailing around. It was mesmeric.

Oh how we laughed. Kids are cunts eh. Well i was.
(beebolbod for those that are hard of hearing - LISTEN, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Christopher Brookmyre
A writer called Christopher Brookmyre wrote a very funny bit on the rules of playground football and the ensuing and inevitable fights a while back:

www.brookmyre.co.uk/bamparch5.htm

He's also got a new book out soon about fights in school and where they can ultimately end up (called "A Tale Etched In Blood and Hard Black Pencil").
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:09, Reply)

Aah the pettyness of youth
I remember one time back in year 7 when the legendary Pokemon cards were all the rage and kids were practically giving sexual favours for a Shiny Charizard or a Japanese Mewtwo.

I was casually strolling through our school playground admiring my impressive deck when this fat cnut called...erm...lets say Dan P, ran past me and slapped my hand, sending my cards in all directions, while all the little fuking pokemon-crackwhores ran around scooping them up like gold dust and then shooting off cackling to themselves and creaming their pants coz they had my fuking 120hp Chansey...b@stards.

Anyway, walking home from school later that day, said fat cnut rides past me and a mate on his sh1tty £85 pikey bmx. I'm still fairly pissed off from earlier.

" Oi tw@t! what the fuk is your problem? can't you afford you're own bloody pokemon cards you scummy cnut?!?" (as you can see, although being barely 13 years old, i had already graduated with honours from the university of advanced fuking swearing)

Fat cnut gets off his bike and comes bowling over to me. He pushes me, as if for some reason he thinks this is going to hurt or something, but unfortunately for him one of us knows vaguely how to fight. I clock him one stunning punch to the side of the head, spinning his NHS specs round to the back of his noggin and dropping him like a sack of sh1t.

He starts sobbing and gets back on his sh1t bike, muttering something about having a brother in the army as he shakily peddles off into the sunset.

Ahh the memories....the pokemon-related memories.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Right, outside Silverland chippy at 4 o'clock!!!!
There are some brilliant tales of schoolyard battles on here. From the compulsory FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT !! Mantra that brings back a lot of memories lol. To the two poor buggers standing with a circle of about 100 round them baying for blood and looking at eachother trying to work out how the hell they got there, ending up in a fight just so they don't dissapoint the spectators.

I think the funniest thing about the northwest school I went to (where the main school sport semmed to be gymnastics??? WTF?!?!?) is that the neanderthals who went there to practise fighting so when they do leave school and somebody pushes in front of them in the giro Q they can beat them up is the fact that they're probably walking round the pub saying the same shit. A lot of people on here have been mentioning names and saying they would like to meet up with their bully again now, good on you!

I guarantee half the jobless dole scum pie eating pricks I went to school with are still running onto the bus as fast as they can so they can sit at the back just like they did on numerous school trips, Jesus, for most of them Frontier Land for a day was probably their equivalent to a fortnight in Monaco...........

As a perfect example of bully mentality this event sticks in my mind, short version (although it was over in a matter of seconds...) was told to me by witnesses like this:

One of our school idiots hears a new kid is joining our school. On new kid's arrival (15 yo) Our idiot walks up to him after hearing a story about how new kid once put a cat in the oven (so must be hard) and asks,"Do you think putting a cat in a oven makes you tough?".
New kid, "No my mother had died at the time and I had a lot of problems and was on medicati........." Smack! says our idiot, "Well I think your mother's a c*nt!"

We never saw new kid again.........

God I bet that particular bully is still at that school in the free dinner queue!

Apologise for length?.........my dear, it's only half way in!
POP!
(Shot glass, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Big Dave
Because I have asthma I was automatticaly put in the "lower" PE set. Basically with all the fat kids and people they didn't want to be seen in public and the trouble making lot; this included all my mates really.

Nearly every lesson the "hard" lads in group would start on the little uns (me) and the percieved saddos. Big Dave Massey has a mild speech impediment so of course he came in for the stick, more so than anyone else.

Strange thing is they failed to realise that at 14 years old, weighing in at about 13 stone, he was the largest in our group and the most pre-disposed to play rugby.

3 months into this living hell came rugby.

After 30 mins of being kicked and puched accross a muddy field we turned to see a nob called Gavin pushing Dave and making fun of his speech.

Cue the funiest thing I have seen in my life: Gavin tries to tackle Dave. Dave grabs him in a headlock and runs the entire length of the field punching him in the head.

The PE teacher, Mr Shan, just stood there, nodded and said "better".

Never again was big Dave bothered in PE.
( Mastic, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Other School shenannigans....
* Once had a large wooden mallet thrown at me by my woodwork teacher. Can't remember why he did it. Missed me though.

* Same woodwork teacher used to take the boys for rugby after school. He once had a fight with the 'cock' of our year. It was a pretty good fight, both came off rather bruised.

* When I was younger (about 8 or 9), I used to think it was really funny to shout 'fight!...fight!' and go running around the corner of the playground. Inevitably a hundred or so other kids would come running around after me, eyes wide with bloodlust. I would then hide somewhere and see what happened. Sometimes a few fights broke out (as a result of the lack of real fights'), other times it was just funny to see the teachers wondering where all the kids had gone and come running after the horde. They would just find a load of kids in a large group doing nothing.

* My father also told me a few.

He once witnessed the biggest 'PILE ON' in the history of the school yard. He said he there where about sixty or seventy people trapped underneath. He also saw a lad running up to pile on but somehow over shot his mark and landed on his face.

Also, he once kicked a football onto the school roof and a teacher had to go and get a ladder to get it down (and no doubt confisticate it).
When the teacher got on the roof, he and his friends promptly stole the ladder!

Absolutely no apologies for teh length.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 11:26, Reply)

Wimp me?
Never had a fight in my 23 years of living, but once kicked off with my now best mate when I was about 14.

Her and another girl where taking the piss out of my lack of boobies and the fact i was wearing a bra for nothing. I was a late bloomer!

I ran up to her, shoved her then with all my might then...
...had myself a little panic attack!

Nothing happened after that and we were friends the day after in school.

Jokes on them anyways I'm a full blown E cup now baby!!
(bectoria, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 10:25, Reply)

I used to get bullied
quite a lot at school, beaten up at break and lunch, i think it was out of jealousy that i was a hell of a lot smarter than the guys doing it.

Anyways, it was year 11, and after a couple years of pain and anguish, underhand comments, things thrown at me, beatings, etc, i snapped. Middle of the common room, i walked over to one of the guys who was sitting down, and punched him in the face. He stood up, i hit him again. And again. And he didn't hit back. It carried on until someone pulled me away into the head of year's office. I felt fantastic!

The funniest thing about it was they tried to expel *me* for this, choosing to ignore the fact that this had been happening to me almost daily for over 2 years. I apologised to the guy with crossed fingers, lied abut being very sorry to the headmaster. I'm still proud of what i did.

Apologies for length, i've never really told that story before, and it's good to get it off my chest. Yea, shoulda gone to grouphug shouldn't i...
(ihatethehackers, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 10:15, Reply)

Gannet
I got slapped in my O level English class by Janet Watkins.

I called her a fat gannet. She got up, walked across the room, slapped me then went back and sat down. The teacher smiled brightly as if to imply that balance had been restored to the force...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 10:10, Reply)

Poor David Newton
Everyone was horrible to David Newton at Primary School. Maybe it was something to do with the "Jesus is Risen!" badge his parents gave him to wear on his blazer. What evil gits parents can be.

Not as evil as kids though; one school trip, the entire busload of kids (possibly including the teacher and driver as well) sang along to a Rainbow song with the altered lyrics "I surrender, I surrender, David Newton is a Bender". For ten days or so.

Anyway slapping David Newton around the head was one of only two fights I remember having at Primary School (was a fairly nice school, don't remember much bullying going on except of poor God Boy, David). I had slapped him for the huge insult of suggesting that Pertwee was a better Dr Who than Tom Baker.

My other fight at primary school was ironically me hitting another kid for bullying my mate. I keep hoping that those two events sort of cancel each other out karmically. And also hoping that David Newton grew up to be a happy guy who has since told his parents what utter gits they were to religiously indoctrinate their small, slightly camp son.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 10:01, Reply)

I was 15 at the time, now, scarred emotionally
my class was going to our next class and to do so we had to go across the basketball courts. Just as we started across, 2 girls in the year above were coming from the other way, arguing.
It got fairly heated and then punches were thrown. They ended up on the ground with the whole class gathered around. At first everyone was shouting encouragement but after a while I noticed only my female classmates were making any noise, the boys were just standing there, mouths open, staring at the fight. There was no exposed flesh, only an occasional flash of knickers, just hair pulling, punching ,scratching and swearing. After a teacher broke it up we went to class but most of the boys were carrying thier books at groin level.
(goober, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 4:58, Reply)

Easy target
There was this guy in my year who was only popular coz he was a bit of a weed and couldn't fight back. Everyday he used to get beaten up on the playground. It started out as a personnal thing between a bully and him. But by the end of lower school it had become an almost daily ritual involving most of the students in lower school!

He had no chance at all, pinned up against the fence and beaten (never seriously, we wern't all cunts).

I became his friend over time and am in contact with him to this day. He now works in a hospital, but claims to have no recollection of any of the lunch times he was gang beaten by all the students in the first three years! I'm racked with guilt even though I didn't join in that often...though at least he's now helping those like him!
(tomo_lives in Mianus, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 1:26, Reply)

Football non-related violence
After watching The Firm (the Gary Oldman one, not the midget scientologists version) my year at school became obsessed with gang violence and the playground was soon divided into two factions, the OCB (Outer City Beefers) and The Establishment (E Army). The OCB had the numbers but the Establishment were game, up for it toe-to-toe, and regularly had the OCB on the run (I was E Army, can’t you tell?).
Every lunchtime gang warfare would erupt with very carefully planned attacks, all-out punch-ups, and of course the deadly bundle. The fights were mostly in good spirit and didn’t cause much injury other than the odd ruptured knacker-sack or severe dead-arm, but they did lead to one of the most talked about nights of violence Surrey has ever seen; ‘The Battle Of Pyrford Woods’. On Halloween 1993 the gangs met down a notoriously rough ‘private’ housing estate and had it out with fireworks, stand-and-clamp bars, eggs, flour, the lot. It was vicious and went on for hours. Tactics such as ‘garden hopping’ were employed to get positional advantage, and plastic drainpipes were adapted into makeshift firework launchers. How nobody was deafened, blinded, serevley burnt or injured is anybodies guess, and the fact that nobody was arrested shows the cunning nature of the gangs leaders by arranging the fight well away from any football ground, and in fact match-day. Even though it went off ‘big-time’ we weren’t interrupted at all by the Woking constabulary, despite around 30 armed and dangerous youths running amok. This either pays credit to the grudging respect the old bill had for us at the time, or their complete inadequacy.
You decide.
I like to think that this story is retold in Fullbrook School’s playgrounds to this day.
But it probably isn’t.
(franks, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 0:37, Reply)

Conkers...
Know your place - Or - I'll kick your face!


(RIP Phillip Chapman aged 11)

It was unfortunate that a bus was coming...Blunder...ahem.
(eurrrrrggggggghhhhhh Cunting /talk, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 0:32, Reply)

not myself, but it involves a disabled guy :D
Our group of mates were all part of the "keep safe" games group ie they're too crap for the football team, let's keep them indoors. There were a few good mates there, and a few of the dobbers too. One such dobber was called Steve, who in fairness it was not really his fault as he suffers from a rare spinal disorder, making him very very short in high, but very large in stature too. He resembled a beach ball with arms, in that proportion too.

This particular afternoon, Steve was sitting on top of a gymnastics horse minding his own business, when one of the dobber bullies walks over to us, mouthing off to anyone in particular. Most of us ignored him as he was quite literally a twat who could only hurt himself, but this afternoon he wouldn't let down that he was the Alpha Male of the crowd. He finished his rant, and faced us all smugly (as most bullies do). Right behind him was Steve, who was getting a bit pissed off with the whole thing.

Steve leaps off the horse and catches the guy around his neck, and hooks it into a full-on sleeper hold. Steve at this point was a good 15 stone, and having that swing off your neck by surprise isnt a good thing, which the bully found out the hard way as they both bounced off the gym floor and rolled around for 3 minutes, while Steve shouted "A well er!" repeatedly.

After the laughter died down it took a good 5 minutes for the PE teacher to stop laughing too (who witnessed the lot of it), and an additional 5 minutes to revive the bully.

The bully didn't speak to us much after that.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Wed 15 Mar 2006, 22:32, Reply)