its just not fair.
not me - a young man called marcus. odd chap - had the nickname 'round fellow'.
being a bit of a victim as well, i was always polite to him - obviously tho, keeping a distance so i wasnt associated with him directly. that would have led to more bollocks in the breaktime.
the whole year group had spent 5 years winding him up. five years -
so eventually he went mental in a class one day and started throwing chairs around.
i beleive he got suspended, and nobody else was ever given a talking too.

poor bugger.

on a diffe3rent note, a scrote called duncan once decided he was going to kick me in the arse for no reason. i pushed him over. 4th years eh?
(magictorch, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 9:19, Reply)

It figures doesn't it
And so my dull, crap stories continue.

The "bully" of my year, who shall remain nameless, was a bit of an inbred nutter who was just a bit of a psycho and as hard as the big rock in his head that passed for his brain.... Turns out he joined the Marines - I think I can safely say that we weren't surprised.....

Mind you, when you got him on his own he wasn't that bad a bloke.

Length, girth, yadda yadda
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 8:23, Reply)

Another quickeh before they close it
Fighting with those big metre long wooden rulers as swords in science while the teacher was out of the room. I was giving my opponent a good thrashing when the 6th sense told me the outer door to the room was opening.
Door opens
I drop sword (ruler)
opponent (gleefully) twots me round the head with his, hard...
...at the same time the teacher walks in to the room.
One two week suspension for him. Scott free for me.
Back to my earlier comment about learning to fight dirty.

With rulers in there, there should be a length comment, but I don't think I'd measure up to it.
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 8:22, Reply)

Red Mist
For reasons that are too dull to explain (and it's obvious anyway), I was at a forces boarding school (As I've mentioned before) full of nutters, weirdos and general psychos - there were some good people there too really....

I was part of the stage crew for a play that was being put on and some kid who'd been harassing me and racially abusing me for, oh, I dunno, a few years.... decides to kick in. He went on for a bit and the ol' red mist decends and I flip out throwing things and generally throwing what was described then as a bit of an "eppy" - I never hit him, but man I flipped out. He never bothered me again, and a teacher made him apologise. We became good mates after that - until he got expelled....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 8:20, Reply)

equilibrium

Micheal would always fight me, and i would fight back.He ould win but i would still fight. Reese and i would fight - more like hunt each other - and the outcome was sometimes questionable. Reese, for some reason i can't recall, makes me furious and i am chasing him all over gods green acres with every intent of beating the living shit out of him, when, out of nowhere Micheal appears and places Reese in a full nelson. I look at Micheal, he nods to me and i to him, and i smoke Reese square in the nose. He bleeds, i panic and hop on the bus for a ski field trip we were taking that day. All day i was so worried about getting in trouble when i got back that i couldn't concentrate and flew off a cliff and sprained my knee( granted i couldn't ski my way out of a paper bag back then). Never heard a word of it and Micheal and i became fast friends.
(goorf, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 8:19, Reply)

IT'S THE...........
....... 'NEEDLESS TO SAY, I HAD THE LAST LAUGH!' THREAD!!!

Brought to you, by Ginsters.
(Andrew Avetoom, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 8:05, Reply)

A cute one
In my first year of junior high (age 12), I made a few new friends. One was a Native kid named Tony who played on my football team with me. Another was a Chinese kid named Yang who was pretty smart. Yang had a history of being bullied, mostly because he has a funny accent and he's not very strong. But Tony enjoyed teasing him, and never did anything too mean to him. However, Yang couldn't understand and was offended by all of Tony's jokes.

So one day, Yang brought a baseball bat to school and hid it in his locker. When Tony came over to his locker nearby, Yang pulled out the bat and started hitting Tony with it. Tony was in stitches. No, not literally. He was laughing at how ridiculous it was. Yang had all the power of Mr Burns, and could not even hurt a person with a baseball bat.

I'm still friends with Yang, and he's going for a doctorate in Chinese history. Tony unfortunately got into cocaine and was expelled from high school for stealing computer parts.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 4:00, Reply)

Not nessecarily a fight, more so an attack....involving a gluestick....
....some guy who was in my form had been annoying me for years, but had only just started trying to hit me. Y'know the usuall - headbut here, digs there, all that bullcrap.

Anyways, one day in a form period of some variety, our pathetic form teacher went outside for some reason and this complete twunt was on the other side of the classroom, playing around with a gluestick.

Yes, a gluestick. Not the most threatening object known to man, but they're moderatly heavy when they're full, and if he decided to throw it at me with a good amount of spin, it would hurt so fucking much.

Anyway, he's playing around with this gluestick, 'pretending' to chuck it at me (where he nearly let it out of your hand to scare me)I knew that him throwing it would be inevitable, so I just braced myself for some good ol' fashioned pain. So, finally, he threw it at me. Friggin' 'eck, it flew quickly, he'd thrown it as hard as he bloody could.

Not as accuratly as he could though - it ended up hitting one of his best mates square on the forehead! He was being so bloody apologetic to this guy, who now had this massive red swelling protruding out of his forehead. Now do you beleive me when I say that a gluestick will hurt?

Still, if it had hit me, this wanker would be laughing his fucking arse off. What a complete prick.

So, kids - watch out for flying gluesticks!
(The_Mop, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 1:12, Reply)

Lesson Learned/Learnt/Whatever
I was pretty lucky when it came to bullies and being bullied. I was part of a close-knit group of about 7 friends and they all had decent qualities (the wise-ass, the tough-kid, the footy hero, etc) that resulted in us being left alone. But when we were on our own it was abit different.
I never really stood out or came across as anything special. So one day in the last lesson of the day, some chump starts taking the piss and generally annoying me.
I just ignore him, it's almost time to go home and I end up moving chairs to talk to a mate. He proceeds to follow me for the full 40 minute lesson and bug the-fuck out of me.
I was willing to let it slide but the next day, i'm sitting there in my form room, chatting shit with a mate and said-bully comes over. Before he can say anything i've picked up a pc keyboard from next to me (form room was i.t room) and smashed him across the face with it.
Several keys have popped out of their places and there's fair bit of blood running from his nose and teeth.
Before anyone can say anything I adjust my grip on the keyboard ready for another swing and mutter to him "Don't even fuckin start!".

He ran off to the toilets crying and after that he always gave me plenty of space.

So kids, the next time sometime's pissing you off and a responsible adult/teacher says "just ignore them"... try smacking them in the face with a large solid object.
(tylrdiablos, Fri 17 Mar 2006, 0:44, Reply)

Those were the days...
When back at my old school (which i left for fear of my life as it was a pretty rough shithole) I got into a fight with a girl. All i remember is being on the field with crowds around us screaming us on. This girl grabs my hair so i kicked her. Instead of punching me or what have you, she only goes and removes my t shirt so about 100 people get a glimpse of a 13 year old flat chest. Sexy. After someone ran in to pull my top back down i grabbed grabbed her hair, and god knows how but she managed to sink her teeth into my back. I still have a (faint) round scar on the right side of my back.

Im not sure who won but if i ever see her again...

*shakes fist*
(Clarissa, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 23:20, Reply)

High Birch
was the name of the special school down the road from the middle school I endured. Every so often, the 'Birchers' would troop up to our playing fields at dinnertime for a mass fight. Not being especially well-coordinated they inevitably got hammered, in a cartoon-like cloud of flying orthopaedic boots and calipers. Me? Being a specky wimp I watched the whole spectacle from the library
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 22:06, Reply)

Food fight!
Haha, it was pretty funny at the time...

We were in year 10, and it was year 11's last day of school before study leave. They were all celebrating, knifing the school's minibuses, whatever... So a rumor spreads round that school that there's going to be a huge food fight at lunch and It'll be great.

I go into lunch and have come out again too early and I missed the fun, but what I'm told happened was everyone was sitting around, piles of food ready, waiting for this food fight to start... But the year 11s do nothing. So a year 10 boy thinks fuck this, gets up, yells food fight, and suddenly food is flying through the air in all directions. Aparently it was magical lol. And the year 11s got the blaim and had some event cancelled...

Though I felt a bit bad when in the afternoon my history teacher- a senior magnagement teacher and the nicest christian guy you'll meet (he'd twitch when angry) turned up to my lesson in trakkie bottoms and t-shirt because his suit was wrecked. Poor guy.
(piratischoo, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Yes, I had a fight with a school once...
It sure taught me a thing or two.
( Malchick, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 21:02, Reply)

remembered another one
there was this guy at my primary school who always liked chasing me, throwing things at me, taunting me in the playground, etc. He had issues at home or something. One day he decided, for a laugh, to get a whole bunch of his mates to join him for his daily chase-and-beat-up routine. I was scared shitless and after five minutes of running away from this gang of boys, the Chief Antagonist caught up with me and tried to strangle me/punch me in the back. I freaked out and bit him in the arm and didn't let go until I saw blood. I also ripped his shirt.

After that, back in class, the little pussy ass-wipe piece of shit actually had the nerve to complain to a teacher about the fact that I'd bitten him and torn his shirt.

I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday, when the teacher told him "Well you deserved it, and you're going to have to explain to your mother why your shirts in such a mess, won't you?"

There are real benefits of being a harmless, defenseless little girl.
HA! Fucker.
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:49, Reply)

primary school
When i was at primary school i was an exceptionally small little girl for my age and didn't get into any real fights because a) the fact that I could draw well was a Season Survival Ticket, that made me "ok" with all the tough, stupid fuckers, and b) because I was so fucking tiny and pathetic-looking, getting involved in a fight with me could only result in my death.

My primary school was a little Roman-Catholic one with a lot of disabled, mentally retarded and foreign kids (it was popular for being "open-minded").

There was this bulky Russian kid with little slits for eyes who had never liked me much but was largely indifferent to me and I to him. One of my "friends" told me, one day, to go up to him and tell him that he had a "spare-tyre". At the time I didn't know what a "spare tyre" was, but for some stupid reason I went up to him and delivered the message. He got me up against a sandstone wall and kicked the shit out of me for about ten minutes.

Later in the day I left a chocolate spread sandwich on his chair and he spent the rest of the day looking like he'd shat himself.

Fucking asshole.
(you_always_felt_like_suede, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 20:43, Reply)

Not me but a friend of mine...
had been on the receiving end of nine years worth of insufferable bullying. Said bully went to the same junior school, then the same high school as his victims, my friend David and I (we were both puny saps back then, hence we both just soaked it all up).

Anyway, come the end of year 11, and, thank God, we're almost out of school. David decides he can't leave that place without some sort of payback. I mean what did he have to lose? I find out that he had been planning this for the past year, doing some weight lifting at home, becoming stronger, and reading all sorts of things about fighting on the internet (but never actually actively learning any moves). I was pretty skeptical... neither of us had ever been in, let alone won, a fight. So it was all in theory.

3 days before the exams start. Science lesson and the teacher goes out supposedly to get a message to a colleague (although I reckon he just wanted a fag). Bully, who sits at the back of the class, throws a pencil at David, which falls to the floor and breaks. "You broke my pencil!" he shouts upon picking it back up. Just then David swung around, performing a perfect bicycle kick to his jaw. At least that's what I half expected. But nothing. He just sits there. Bully sits back down.

Fast forward 3 days. Both of us walking to school for Science exam. Bully comes up to David. "Oy, you got a pencil I can borrow?" This time, David really DID take a swing at him. A little off target, just hitting the side of his head, but he quickly made up for this sloppiness by grabbing his hair at the back and, pulling back slightly to charge up, he slams his face into the nearby brick wall. 4 times. Bully's nose broke, and he staggered about a bit as the two of us legged it. He was too proud to admit what really happened, so everybody, including his parents, still believe he broke his nose "because he fell off his bike while going down Warden Hill". The Warden Hill part wasn't really necessary, but he thought it made him look harder.

He managed to get to one of his exams, so David went up to him and offered him a spare pencil. He declined.
(Dyslexic Pidgeon, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 18:13, Reply)

We don't really have many fights in our school.
Once near the busstop I ended up fighting a few girls from a different school though.

I was in year 7, they were in year 9 or so.

I didn't have my glasses at the time. Lucky though, since one wacked me with a DT folder.

I don't remember much of it.

/boring school life
( Rev. Cleo still alive, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 18:04, Reply)

FIGHT!!
I remember in Primary School i was in year 4 and my little sister had just started 4+, there was this little lad who was always picking on my sis and making her cry. She came to me about 3 weeks later crying because he had not stopped hitting her and generally taking the piss.

He thought he was really tough, i went over to the 4+ pen and grabbed him by the throat and threatend to shove his small plimsoles up his arse.

He ran off crying and got the head of 4+ who congradulated me for giving him a kicking! nice!
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 17:53, Reply)

bursting rugby balls..
I've never been in a fight, but i recall a funny one i was (un)lucky enough to witness..

2nd year at School, aged 13 or so. Wrestling is all the rage and of course boys will be boys, giving each other wrestling moves and pretty much experimenting how much they can get away with without killing each other. Anyway, 2 lads in the year below me obviously got a bit heated in the midst of this and decided to start pummeling each other.. the obligatory circle forms around the tussle and we're all enjoying the first fight we'd seen for ages.

*PUNCH*
*PUNCH*

*PUNCH BACK*
*KICK IN THE GROIN*

A collected "ooooooh" rings around and the fight stops almost immediately as the receiver sinks to the ground. He was really hurt, teachers are called, then an ambulance.

People come in the next day to the news that the ferocious kick to the balls has actually ruputured and essentially *burst* a testicle.

It being the nature of little cocky bastards, the one ball maestro comes in the next week and claims he won the fight.
He may say that, but i'm sure the name "One Ball Brown" is still famous in my school to this date!
(descending, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 17:33, Reply)

Swimming lessons
I started swimming lessons when I was 15/16..I was a good 8 years older than everyone else in the class....I had a medical condition okay!

Anyways....One of the lads had a younger bro who was a cocky little fuck, and used to come in and stir up his brother and boot him because he knew his brother would be in the shit with Mummy if he laid a finger on him.

One day, the lad was sat next to me getting changed, when younger Bro came in, and stood on my towel...I said "Oi, get off my towel" Kid said no then tried to kick me...I caught his leg, he fell over and cracked his head on the Changing Room concrete and started wailing...the kids looked at me with respect....then FEAR as they said "SHIT! You'd better get out of here...he'll grass you up to his mummy!" - I scarpered, and never got in trouble, but always got respect from the kids AND the little sod never came back....
I also learned to swim.
(Rockster77, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Strange hatred
When I was in college, I was sitting in the cafeteria one day, and I saw this nerd guy with his tray going from table to table, trying to find a place to sit. He looked so much like me, not in appearance but in social awkwardness.

For some reason, I wanted to dump his tray and start pounding him.

I was usually the one getting his tray dumped (in junion high, not college), and I hated it, so why did I have this uncontrollable urge to do the same thing to him?

The urge passed, but I still can't explain it.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:46, Reply)

School Fights
I got in a fight with a girl at school and she kicked me in the nads, quick as a flash I kicked her back in the clunge, but unluckily for me the headteacher only saw the latter and my parents were informed that I was a cunt kicker.....
( Wildyles is back to rimming chimps, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 16:44, Reply)

I used to get attacked by girls at Junior school... They used to pull my hair and stuff. I think it may have been because they actually wanted to do me. Yesh.. I'll just keep thinking that...
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 15:02, Reply)

My only fight to date
and it wasn't really a big fight, but it was all I have to speak of.

This is a bit long sorry. Those who get bored easily might want to stop reading now.

Last couple of weeks of school (5th year, so I was 15), sitting in geography (last lesson of the day), pissing about. Two of the classrooms were connected by a small staff room. The doors were open, so I could see through. Well, this one kid called Bobby (his actual name was Wei Hung, but that's a bit tricky on the class register) was gesticulating through the gap, and really cussing me. Ok, I kind of started it by mouthing out he was a wanker. and he really was. Completely irritating, 5 years of sitting next to or very near him in form. Really spoilt, and used to like to brag about what he'd got, but as soon as you'd take a close look, or ask about it, he got defensive and selfish. Anyway, trust me, fucknut.

Back to Geography. It came to the end of the lesson, and we were waiting to depart. Well, I decided I was gonna thump the little shit. So, I made sure I was first out of the door. He tried to as well, but to escape. and a few digs in the arm and chest, and with 3 classrooms full of kids now crowding around, I started to knock him about a bit. Slaps, rib-digs, nothing major. Then someone screams 'hit im f*ckin hard' (Bobby was hated by everyone except loner Phil[But he's another tale entirely]) so, I decided to thwack him on the top of his head, then sat on him (I'm a biggish guy, so it seemed apt to squash the twunt) After that, it all seemed to end, and he came into school the next day with a couple of scratches he got 'dry-shaving'

I wish I'd have really paled him. I've regretted never beating him to a pulp. I still think about going to his take-out and unleashing hell.
( Mart No Fool No posts but lots of stalks recently., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:54, Reply)

Cruel really but naturally we all laughed.
This kid called Cohen was a rather unfortunate chap and also had a really firey temper on him.

He also had one massive cork heel on a specially made pair of Converse All Stars to aid/correct his terrible flid walk.

The lunchtime routine usually entailed someone winding him up, him 'legging it' after them like some crazed broken robot and then a circle of onlookers forming to watch the ensuing 'fight'.

This entailed Cohen having a go at whoever and then having a fit, all the while this huge cork heel flailing around. It was mesmeric.

Oh how we laughed. Kids are cunts eh. Well i was.
(beebolbod for those that are hard of hearing - LISTEN, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Christopher Brookmyre
A writer called Christopher Brookmyre wrote a very funny bit on the rules of playground football and the ensuing and inevitable fights a while back:

www.brookmyre.co.uk/bamparch5.htm

He's also got a new book out soon about fights in school and where they can ultimately end up (called "A Tale Etched In Blood and Hard Black Pencil").
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 16 Mar 2006, 14:09, Reply)

Aah the pettyness of youth
I remember one time back in year 7 when the legendary Pokemon cards were all the rage and kids were practically giving sexual favours for a Shiny Charizard or a Japanese Mewtwo.

I was casually strolling through our school playground admiring my impressive deck when this fat cnut called...erm...lets say Dan P, ran past me and slapped my hand, sending my cards in all directions, while all the little fuking pokemon-crackwhores ran around scooping them up like gold dust and then shooting off cackling to themselves and creaming their pants coz they had my fuking 120hp Chansey...b@stards.

Anyway, walking home from school later that day, said fat cnut rides past me and a mate on his sh1tty £85 pikey bmx. I'm still fairly pissed off from earlier.

" Oi tw@t! what the fuk is your problem? can't you afford you're own bloody pokemon cards you scummy cnut?!?" (as you can see, although being barely 13 years old, i had already graduated with honours from the university of advanced fuking swearing)

Fat cnut gets off his bike and comes bowling over to me. He pushes me, as if for some reason he thinks this is going to hurt or something, but unfortunately for him one of us knows vaguely how to fight. I clock him one stunning punch to the side of the head, spinning his NHS specs round to the back of his noggin and dropping him like a sack of sh1t.

He starts sobbing and gets back on his sh1t bike, muttering something about having a brother in the army as he shakily peddles off into the sunset.

Ahh the memories....the pokemon-related memories.
(BatCountry organised, attended, and was thrown out on, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 13:21, Reply)

Right, outside Silverland chippy at 4 o'clock!!!!
There are some brilliant tales of schoolyard battles on here. From the compulsory FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT !! Mantra that brings back a lot of memories lol. To the two poor buggers standing with a circle of about 100 round them baying for blood and looking at eachother trying to work out how the hell they got there, ending up in a fight just so they don't dissapoint the spectators.

I think the funniest thing about the northwest school I went to (where the main school sport semmed to be gymnastics??? WTF?!?!?) is that the neanderthals who went there to practise fighting so when they do leave school and somebody pushes in front of them in the giro Q they can beat them up is the fact that they're probably walking round the pub saying the same shit. A lot of people on here have been mentioning names and saying they would like to meet up with their bully again now, good on you!

I guarantee half the jobless dole scum pie eating pricks I went to school with are still running onto the bus as fast as they can so they can sit at the back just like they did on numerous school trips, Jesus, for most of them Frontier Land for a day was probably their equivalent to a fortnight in Monaco...........

As a perfect example of bully mentality this event sticks in my mind, short version (although it was over in a matter of seconds...) was told to me by witnesses like this:

One of our school idiots hears a new kid is joining our school. On new kid's arrival (15 yo) Our idiot walks up to him after hearing a story about how new kid once put a cat in the oven (so must be hard) and asks,"Do you think putting a cat in a oven makes you tough?".
New kid, "No my mother had died at the time and I had a lot of problems and was on medicati........." Smack! says our idiot, "Well I think your mother's a c*nt!"

We never saw new kid again.........

God I bet that particular bully is still at that school in the free dinner queue!

Apologise for length?.........my dear, it's only half way in!
POP!
(Shot glass, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 13:05, Reply)

Big Dave
Because I have asthma I was automatticaly put in the "lower" PE set. Basically with all the fat kids and people they didn't want to be seen in public and the trouble making lot; this included all my mates really.

Nearly every lesson the "hard" lads in group would start on the little uns (me) and the percieved saddos. Big Dave Massey has a mild speech impediment so of course he came in for the stick, more so than anyone else.

Strange thing is they failed to realise that at 14 years old, weighing in at about 13 stone, he was the largest in our group and the most pre-disposed to play rugby.

3 months into this living hell came rugby.

After 30 mins of being kicked and puched accross a muddy field we turned to see a nob called Gavin pushing Dave and making fun of his speech.

Cue the funiest thing I have seen in my life: Gavin tries to tackle Dave. Dave grabs him in a headlock and runs the entire length of the field punching him in the head.

The PE teacher, Mr Shan, just stood there, nodded and said "better".

Never again was big Dave bothered in PE.
( Mastic, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 11:37, Reply)

Other School shenannigans....
* Once had a large wooden mallet thrown at me by my woodwork teacher. Can't remember why he did it. Missed me though.

* Same woodwork teacher used to take the boys for rugby after school. He once had a fight with the 'cock' of our year. It was a pretty good fight, both came off rather bruised.

* When I was younger (about 8 or 9), I used to think it was really funny to shout 'fight!...fight!' and go running around the corner of the playground. Inevitably a hundred or so other kids would come running around after me, eyes wide with bloodlust. I would then hide somewhere and see what happened. Sometimes a few fights broke out (as a result of the lack of real fights'), other times it was just funny to see the teachers wondering where all the kids had gone and come running after the horde. They would just find a load of kids in a large group doing nothing.

* My father also told me a few.

He once witnessed the biggest 'PILE ON' in the history of the school yard. He said he there where about sixty or seventy people trapped underneath. He also saw a lad running up to pile on but somehow over shot his mark and landed on his face.

Also, he once kicked a football onto the school roof and a teacher had to go and get a ladder to get it down (and no doubt confisticate it).
When the teacher got on the roof, he and his friends promptly stole the ladder!

Absolutely no apologies for teh length.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Thu 16 Mar 2006, 11:26, Reply)