Re-write
I originally wrote this story up for something else a few years ago, then a few months ago I cut and paste it as an answer to a different QOTW, so sorry if it seems familiar, but it fits here much better and deserves a proper re-write to tell in all it’s full, painful glory.


I did my GCSE’s in one of those schools that has its own VIth form, so stayed on to do my A-levels there too.

People from surrounding schools that didn’t have a VIth form joined us too, so the first day back after the summer holidays meant a handful of new faces among my old familiar friends.

I was sitting in the common room, waiting for the morning bell, and in she walked in all her stunning glory*

Have you seen Ursula Andress come out of the sea in Dr No? Have you seen Cameron Diaz walk into the bank at the start of The Mask? Have you seen the opening shots of ‘Lost In Translation’?

Pah. I spit on them. Those entrances were nothing compared to this.

And, just like that, I was smitten.

Her name was Sonja, she was Swedish.

She’d previously been to the all-girls school round the corner from ours (The Virgin Mega-Store, as we oh so wittily called it)

She had a twin sister, she was single, and she lived not too far from me.

I found all this out during the lunch break where I oh so gallantly offered to show her the canteen.

Sadly, I also found out she was a devout Christian.

Was that enough to put me off?

What do you think.

And so followed a long, painful six months of doe-eyed puppy dog love where I did anything and everything I could to win her affection.

I joined The Christian Society. I spent three lunchtimes a week, for two entire terms nodding sagely and agreeing that ‘Yes, of course creationism is the only possible answer to how the world came into being. There is no evidence at all that suggests that evolution is a realistic possibility’. (all the while watching my friends play football out of the window and convincing myself that this would be worth it in the end)

I drove 60 miles after school with her to go to her friends baptism in a tiny backwards Norfolk town (and I mean backwards by Norfolk’s standards, not just normally backwards. This place was weird). Where I found myself feeling so self conscious when I was the only one who didn’t stand up to raise their hands to God and let him into my heart that I suddenly leapt out of the pew and yelled ‘Yes, yes, Yes, I feel it, I believe, I feel it’

I went to her twin sisters baptism, along with her scary parents, where the oh so young, oh so wannabe trendy evangelistic preacher tried to get down with the kids by playing The Wonderstuffs ‘Size of a Cow’ with the lyrics:

‘Don't you think it's funny that nothing's what it
seems when you're not looking forward?

Me, I'd like to think life is like a drink,

and I'm hoping that it tastes like bourbon.

You know that I've been drunk a thousand times,

and these should be the best days of my life,

Life, it's not what I thought it was.

Damn blast, look at my past,

ripping up my feet over broken glass.

Oh wow, look at me now,

I'm building up my problems to the size of a cow.’

Which he then followed up with ‘Bourbon is not the answer, drink is not the answer, God is the answer. If he’d just let God into his life his problems wouldn’t be the size of a cow, they’d be the size of, like, a mouse’
(and then played ‘Sit Down’ by James with the line ‘I hope that God exists, I hope, I pray’ and said ‘This is a man who already knows God exists, otherwise, why would he be praying?’)

And, at any point in all this did I even get a kiss?

No.

A cuddle even?

No.

I got to hold her hand.

Once.

For two minutes.

She timed it.

And did any of this cause me to give up?

Not on your life.

I didn’t even come to my senses when she threw out my copy of REM’s ‘Out Of Time’ because she didn’t like me listening to a song called ‘Losing My Religion’ (and let’s be honest, you have got to be insane to throw out that album because of that song when anyone with an ounce of sense knows that the reason to bin it is ‘Shiny Happy People’)

I did eventually snap out of it.

After numerous painful teas with her family, church visits, baptisms, awkward conversations with her friends where I bit my tongue and accepted the bible as the one true word and nodding.

After too many times of me saying I knew what she meant when she said she actually heard God speak directly to her every night before she went to bed, I finally, mercifully came to my senses when, after discussing Abrahams willingness to sacrifice Isaac she said:

‘If God asks me to sacrifice my sister tonight, I will’

You did not see me for dust.

I left a me shaped hole in her parents front door that day.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:17, 12 replies)

Are you sure
you read "sacrifice" as correct?

She could have meant her sister's innocence.

That changes the end a bit, doesn't it?
(Ethelred is watching cheese grow, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:23, closed)

Damn
I wish you hadn't made me think of two 16 year old Swedish twins like that.

oh..wait...no, I don't.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:29, closed)

Gosh!
early clickerage :0)
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:24, closed)

Bloody hell...
But then, I have seen Ursula Andress emerge from the sea, and Cameron Diaz enter the bank. If she was more stunning than that...well, I guess I can see why you might have stuck with it for that long.
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:28, closed)

Ditto
But I got engaged to her in order to get a hump. Even after I'd porked her, she was denying it had happened because I hadn't 'put it all in'. She was a spitter, not a swallower.
(frankspencer, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:34, closed)

....
could you not have tried it on with the twin?

Maybe she was slightly less batshit-crazy in the coconut.
(Gazebo will eat you on, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:37, closed)

I'm Dating a Stunning Identical Twin!!
Small interjection there.

Sorry about that.
(ShitBitch, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:53, closed)

Look, for the last time,
wanking whilst looking in the mirror is NOT 'dating an identical twin'
( OneSullenBrit *air sandwiches*, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:58, closed)

Ohh
My mistake.
(ShitBitch, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 15:59, closed)

This is true!
In fact this is the second of the identical twins he's gone out with.

Twat.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 17:17, closed)

What can i say?
[Insert sexist joke here]
(ShitBitch, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 20:16, closed)

Hahaha!
Nicely done, first laugh of the day!
( Cawl, Thu 15 Jan 2009, 16:00, closed)