Ban the Happy Birthday song, just fucking ban it
There is no occasion where its been sung and the result has not been, at the very least awkward, if not excruciatingly embarrassing.

If you're in a restaurant and another table starts singing it, everyone else has to join in, but only in a half arsed way. Then everyone except the guy's friends go quiet cos no-one knows their name. After which there's the very British discomfort with having interacted with total strangers for no real reason.

No-one ever wants to sing it, that's the trouble, especially in an office environment. But there's always absolute cunt who "just loves this kind of thing" and encourages otherwise normal, sober people to sing in public.

And unless you're the Queen, it pretty rare that people around you will song a song dedicated entirely to you. We're not used to it and don't know how to react, so you just sit there feeling the most self conscious you'll feel all year for no reason other than its traditional to make the birthday person feel like a twat for 35 seconds.

Grr, just give me presents, buy me drinks and fuck off.
( Sheriff John Bunnell https://twitter.com/thewonderfulgam, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:42, 6 replies)

My dad sings it down the 'phone to each of us every year.
My dad's ace.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 12:44, closed)

Couldn't agree more

( Major Turd for tonight only, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:03, closed)

Sing "For he's a jolly good fellow" instead
Especially if you're using any kind of recording equipment.

"Happy Birthday" is still in copyright. Thanks Cliff, you cunt.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:20, closed)

There should be a tier system of punishment in place
With the more severe reserved for irritating restaurants who play the Stevie Wonder cover.

I'm a huge Stevie fan, but all recordings of him singing "Happy Birthday" should be consigned to Room 101 immediately.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 23 Sep 2011, 13:41, closed)

This year no-one bought a cake
and no-one sang happy birthday.

Best birthday ever!
( Peej, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 14:16, closed)

I'd be happy if nobody did anything for my birthday.
well, apart from leaving me alone to have a few nice glasses of Chianti or Rioja, with a good book, in a bar overlooking a fjord.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Fri 23 Sep 2011, 17:28, closed)