Cucumbers in painful places
Less my food sex experience but that of a (thankfully) former flatmate of mine. She was a bit of a nutter for a lot of reasons, but this is the only one that fits this question...

(Insert wavy lines)

I got back from work and popped into her room to say hi and was a bit suprised to see a cucumber I had bought a couple of days ago lying on the bedroom floor. When I queried its presence on her floor she explained, in a very matter of fact kind of way, how it got there.

Essentially her boyfriend had visited earlier and, being a bit bored, somehow things had progressed in a direction that ended up with my cucumber being inserted into her ass. She even helpfully pointed out the milky love-stains her boyfriend had thoughtfully sprayed up the bedroom walls following said insertion.

Seeing the slight look of disturbance (combined with slight arousal - she was pretty hot) on my face, she immediately said "oh it's fine, you can still use it - I'll just wash the shit off".

Charming girl...

If the right question comes up I might even share the story of how she tried to lure me into a threesome with crack-addict Buddist monk.

Length? Long enough to pop my cherry.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 12:55, 8 replies)

"I'll just wash the shit off"
*click*
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:35, closed)

Eeugh!
I wouldn't want that.

I think I'd peel it before eating. Don't trust washing to remove it all. :-)
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:49, closed)

Eeugh indeed
Don't worry, I said she could keep it. And I actually think she did use it for sandwiches.

Like I said, charming girl.
(Robin of the Hood isn't into the whole brevity thing, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 14:15, closed)

frankly
smearing a cucumber in shit can only make it taste better.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 13:51, closed)

SIR!
YOU CAN BE NO BRITON!
What about cucumber sandwiches, cups of tea and scones? Eh?
(TheSpode has little toe-hats., Fri 7 Aug 2009, 15:25, closed)

hahaha

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:21, closed)

There's no key on my keyboard-
Which replicates the sound Sideshow Bob makes when stepping on a rake, but that's the sound I'm making now. Not in a good way I might add.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 16:04, closed)

*whap* nyuhuhuhuhuhuuuuuh.

( Maladicta, Fri 7 Aug 2009, 19:32, closed)