Could have been disastrous.
My best friends mum died when she was 18, and then 18 months ago her dad and stepmum were killed in a car accident.

Boyf and I were over at their house one night, and they'd had a few joints and I was getting a few beers in. We got onto the subject of families and how all my family are 6,000 miles away and what a bunch of weirdos we are.
My friend says "Well all my family are..." and takes a puff of her cigarette, at which point I finish her sentence with "dead".
Her husband cringed, my boyfriend cringed. Me and her collapsed in hysterical laughter! Of course I apologised afterwards but she still finds it funny.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:49, Reply)

Text and opticians
I have so many it's tragic. The first was when I was away with my group from college and my (then) girlfriend wasn't with me (and she was already paranoid I was going to cheat on her). It turned out there was a girl I'd fancied for ages going and I'd been chatting her up when the missus called. So, I'm on the phone to the girlfriend when I get a text from the afore mentioned lady asking when I'm coming over to her room. Clever man that I am, I start texting her back saying "I'll be as quick as I can, I've got the bird on the line". It's confusing speaking to one person and texting another so, naturally, I ended up sending that text to the "bird". Cue her calling up crying and me digging myself out of a hole the size of goatse's derriere.

The other one happened last week when I was at the opticians. This old bint is bringing loads of ugly as hell frames over to me to try on, they're getting worse and worse until she brings out one of those pairs that oaps where at the beach; those ones which you clip the shades on top making you look like a proper cunt. By this stage I couldn't restrain myself and start laughing and said they looked revolting and I wouldn't wear them if I was paid. Of course, I'm at the opticians because I need glasses, I hadn't noticed she was wearing that exact pair and has gone very silent... I made my excuses and got my glasses from a different shop.
(boristheflorist, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:42, Reply)

Coventry
One night wasted outsdie McD's finishing off our burgers there's this gang of balck blokes wandering past, and one says to the other one,'See ya later Nigger' and my very pissed mate says at the top of his voice 'Why are they allowed to call each other Niggers but we aren't?'
said black man came back and threatened to batter him from one end of Coventry to the other. we had to pretend this mate was mental and that he didn't know what he was saying. God knows how but we managed to avoid a beating.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:30, Reply)

mastercare
When i was 14 I bought a Curry's own brand hi fi (u know the make, they call 'em matsui to make people think their buying something fancy and japanese,when in fact its british and its shit) anyway this hunk of crap kept breaking down and doing stupid things, and in the end mastercare the Currys/Dixons repair people sent about 5 or 6 different representives out to look at it, and not one of them diagnosed the same problem, or came up with any way to fix it. So it remained playing up.On the way into town with my Mum who was also giving a work colleague a lift in I started going on about how mastercare were a useless bunch of fuckers and that all the engineers were middle aged old paeodo's who wouldn't know a Cd player from their elbow, I went on in that vein for a bout 5 min's when my Mums colleague turned round and said 'My dad works for Mastercare'. Whoops, i put my walkman on to avoid saying anything else.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:28, Reply)

The Classic Mistake
Out clubbing I'd seen an old school friend from years back and without being too harsh she'd went from a twiggy lookalike to more of a Fern Britton quality, this conversation transpired...

FRIEND: You'll never guess who's pregnant?
ME: You!!
FRIEND: No! Why do you say that?

I've never ran to the bar quicker...
(kendoddsdadsdogsdead, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:19, Reply)

You have to understand cricket for this one
Many years ago a guy in my cricket team was made redundant from a good job. He struggled to get work and ended up as a security guard for a while. We were preparing for the coming season, I was fielding, and he came out to bat in a practice match. 'HERE COMES THE NIGHTWATCHMAN!!!' I shouted. Embarrassed silence all round for some time and a spectacular hot flush for me.

/coat
(gobbo, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 18:07, Reply)

Harry Potter inside me
Me, my parents, aunt and uncle, brother and sister and 80-year-old Grandfather were sat down for Christmas dinner. I hadn't eaten all day, saving myself for the spread; and this coupled with the fact that I am a complete lightweight meant that the three glasses of champagne I'd drunk had gone straight to my head. My mum was telling everyone about my plans to be an author one day, her exact words being "Oh yes, I think Susanna has a Harry Potter inside her."
This struck me as being an hilarious statement, and so I shouted "WHOA! Disturbing image!" at the top of my voice. My utterly sober family all turned to stare at me, so I added the qualifier "I didn't mean it like that!"

Later that evening I fell headfirst into the boot of the car. Being the only drunk at Christmas is rubbish.
(Sus_K, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:58, Reply)

Licking Out / French Kissing.
As a young and hopelessly naive teenager I'd heard many friends refer to 'Licking Out'. Having no idea what this referred to but assuming tongues where involved - I equated the phrase with 'French Kissing.'

Anyway months later my Dad took me and my little brother to pick up my older step-sister from the train station for her regular visit. As usual we immediately got chatting in the car on the way home.

"So!" she said "Who do you fancy at school then?"

Understandably curious, my Dad's ears pricked up as he drove us home.

"Well," I replied, "there's this girl in English called Sally... I'd lick her out."

The car swerved suddenly toward the pavement and then back again.

Pretending ignorance after a very long silence my sister then said:

"Have you seen Ghostbusters? It's great."

It was only years later this event came to make any sense to me.
(microsaulxp, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:57, Reply)

this one's nasty
Well i was watching the news with a mate of mine, and a story came up about a girl who'd been hit by a bus. The headline was "Parents ask - how did our girl die?" . Being of the witty persuasion, i piped up "A bus ran her over you tit" . I didn't stop there, i launched into how funny it must be at the morgue with the two morticians wondering how she died, and a big tyre mark down her face. I went on for about 5 minutes before i noticed the look on my friend's face. Turns out he was good friends with her.

Shit.
(mrcheese989, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:55, Reply)

I didn't just put my foot in it, I chewed both legs off at the hip.
Way back many moons ago when I was 13, I'd just started senior school and took the bus every morning.
In my naievety, all I wanted to do was impress people and make them like me and think I was "cool" so one day I was telling my friend about some alcoholic who had died after sniffing beer bottles and choking on his own vomit. Being young and stupid, I was laughing quite loudly and wondered what in all hell this girl in front of me was staring at.

It was her father.

To this day, I still blush when I think about it, but to be fair to the poor lass when I saw her one day when I was around 20, she recognised me and after much profuse apologising she said not to worry, I was young and stupid. Class lass was that one.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:52, Reply)

Not so much "foot in mouth" as total blind stupidity
When I was quite a young lad on I bumped into a girl I was friendly with. A mate of her said: "Ooh, she fancies you." Getting very red and embarrassed I snapped back: "Well, I think she's a dog." (Which I didn't).

Who should I develop a long, strong and absolutely-definitely-never-ever-ever-to-be-requited crush on mere months later?

It still makes me want to bang my head of the desk and scream "Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot."
( calgacus Non sum qualis eram bonae sub regno Cynarae, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:42, Reply)

There was this new chap in our school and only my mate Kat had seen him.
Now, in my school, there was an extreme shortage of attractive boys so I asked her what he looked like. She said he was rather ugly and I replied "How ugly? Like Gareth (a boy from my class who was rather unfortunate looking)ugly?" just as he came round the corner.
I tried to cover it up by saying "You know, Gareth from my street?" but my mates just kept saying "Who? there's no Gareth's near you!" I think he heard as he turned a lovely shade of maroon.
bloody fuckwit friends...
(Chiligrrl WHERE'S MAH DUBLOONS, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:27, Reply)

It's the last one, honest.
This was a cracker by a mate of mine. He was emailing a very important female big cheese in a utility company. Trying to be ultra-polite, he started the email with "I appreciate the fact that you're very busy".

But the poor bastard mis-typed, so his opening line was instead "I appreciate the fact that you're very busty."
(Ian Maiden, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:23, Reply)

And another thing....
Some mates of mine used to live in a converted church up north, with lots of stairs which you could see through a huge window at the front.

One night I was waiting outside for them to pop to the boozer, and could see them all coming down the stairs. They were accompanied by a girl I'd never met before, who was struggling to get down dozens of stairs as she was on crutches.

When they all reached the street, I introduced myself to the new girl - "Hi, nice to meet you", etc. Then I said those stairs must have been a pain in the arse, what with you having broken your leg or whatever you've done.

With that, she went a bit quiet. She hadn't injured herself. The crutches were a permanent fixture. Shite.
(Ian Maiden, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:17, Reply)

Workplace evacuations
This one's really a bit more of a spell-checker-induced-malaprop than anything, but I thought it sort of fit.

My boss, who has notoriously poor spelling, sent out a company-wide email message apologizing for a recent loss of email service. It included the phrase "We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused." The capricious nature of Microsoft Word morphed whatever hideous excuse he'd typed for "inconvenience" into "incontinence." Much hilarity ensued.

Oh, the images - "What, no email? AARGH! (SPLAT!)"
(laramieman, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:12, Reply)

Where do I start?
When I used to work for a tiny web company, they did some work with a total cock of Italian extraction who claimed to be a music producer / general media wheeler (I won't mention his name - those of you who might know of him will have guessed his identity by now, anyway).

So, he used to carry a black cane with a skull handle - that's how much of a cock he was. One day I was loudly telling the whole office how it was a good job he carried that cane, because if he spoke to me out of line again, I was 'going to break his fucking legs'.

There were two entrances to the office. He'd walked in the back way while I was voicing my opinions. Oh well - he really was a cock.
(Ian Maiden, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:10, Reply)

Look Mum....
As I came out of my room in a Bangkok hostel, I noticed a man with no arms trying to get into his room down the corridor.

Feeling helpful, I walked up to him and came out with the timeless classic, 'Do you want a hand, mate?'

His expression still makes me cringe to this day.
(oRb A Huge Ever Growing Pulsating Brain, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:06, Reply)

Barbie on trial
when I was but a wee little girl,I remember hearing that Barbi was put on trial. I was quite puzzled as to why dolls were in prison, and felt really bad so I decided to ask the grown ups. So at lunch while everyones is chatting away i decide to ask "Mum, dad why did they put my dolls in prison?" Puzzled looks from everyone, so I go on "I've heard it on the news Barbie is in prison". Every one burst out laughing and I was still none the wiser as to why my doll being in prison was funny?
(albator, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 17:05, Reply)

just been reminded of this one
i do a bit of martial arts in my spare time, and there was one time a few years ago, where i'd just attended a course at our club. other clubs from around the region were there and we were discussing where to go for some food later.
one of the instructors pipes up, and suggests the royal naz in rusholme as a good idea. me being quite a quiet person, and a newbie eager to impress, i thought i'd best contribute to the conversation and exclaims "nah, you don't want to go there mate, its well dodgy."
he turns around, with a look of utter contempt, and i just sit there with a stupid smile on my face, and say "yeah, its dodgy as fuck"
he turns back to the rest of the table and says "yeah, my uncle owns the place and he can sort us out with a good deal."

doh!
(sunny chiba, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:57, Reply)

I was on the TV
and i made a bit of a racist comment about Marcel Desailly! Silly me!
............................................................................................................................................................................................
oh shit i'm getting reality and tv confused again..............................................................................................................argh!
(iwantacone, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:55, Reply)

Rain man
I'd just started at Uni, and we were doing the standard getting pissed with the people who live nearest to you in the hall of residence thing, as it was the first week any of us had been there. For some reason we were talking about the film Rain Man, I launched into a full on Dustin Hoffman impression including slapping of the forehead, rocking back and forth and talking about how Quantas never crash. But I was sitting next to a girl whos brother was autistic. She did not see the funny side. Thing is, she had told me her brother was autistic earlier that day, I completely forgot, hence seemed all the more of a bastard.

Ah well.
(mr pete, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:48, Reply)

celeb gaffe & ground swallower
One very very snowy night stuck at didcot station, a kind chap offered to buy me a cup of tea after the twunt behind the counter would not accept a cheque and it was about minus 12 and not a cash point in sight.

We were stood talking for about an hour and was telling me about what he did for a living, he mentioned he was in the clothing industry.

I mentioned to said chap "you want to get yourself down to that clothes show thing, you'll learn a thing or two about fashion there"

his reply......."get down to it!, I f****** present it!" .... It was Geoff Banks....... Oops
(higeldypigeldy, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:40, Reply)

I was about 12 years old.
It was Christmas.

The whole family were gathered around after stuffing ourselves with too much turkey and we decided to play some games. Pictionary was all the rage back then so we split into teams and started to have much hilarity.

Everything was going fine until the point where my cousin was drawing something that looked like an eskimo and an igloo. Nobody on our team could guess what he was drawing and then it hit me - the right word was on the tip of my tongue. I strained and strained. I shouted "I know it, I know it". People were getting excited, looking at me trying to just get it out. My cousin was going frantic.

Then it hit - I remembered the word an shouted it out at the top of my voice!


DILDO!


Everything stopped. People stared. I suddenly realised what I'd done.


Needless to say, that wasn't the correct word.
( Evil Prof. Pixel Masher I made this!, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:39, Reply)

Foot in mouth
I was back home from uni in the pub and bumped into an old mate who always thought of him self as a bit of a ladies man.

He mentioned that he was at uni with someone I knew. Inquiring after ther name and hearing the response i replied "yeah the bird with the fat ass, i've pulled her".

When to my hooror he replied "That's my bird" I panicked and replied, truthfully, with "and my cousin has shagged her".

I let him win the next game of pool
(Woo tang clan, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:31, Reply)

A stupid question with a fairly obvious answer.
I used to work in the lab at a company making leather for expensive cars, Prince Charles's personal carriage, the pugil sticks off Gladiators etc.

One day in the lab we were having a discussion about food, generally. As we were discussing things like the skin on roast chicken being the best bit, how to make good crackling and so on, one of the other lab technicians piped up with, "I wonder why you never get skin on beef?"
( Afinkawan Yes I can hear you Clem Fandango, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:24, Reply)

Discussing cheese on toast
with a friend at uni (like you do), I offer the suggestion that its best with a slice of ham betwixt bread and cheese.

Of course, he's a vegetarian and Jewish...
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:20, Reply)

Here's a University classic...
Had an amazing encounter at university one night. Decided to have some drinks in my friend Jason's room with his friends from back home. We all got on really well.

Jason and his troop head out for a night out on the tiles - I stay in due to skintness. At about 2 O'Clock in the morning there is a knock-knock-knock on my bedroom door. T'was a beautiful girl from earlier... and lo we kissed and cuddled for the night.

Next day Jason asked how I was. I related the story to him and wondered if I'd see her again.

"You probably will mate," said Jason, after confirming her name... "She's my ex-girlfriend."
(microsaulxp, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:16, Reply)

I still kick myself over this
Was out at a curry with my mate, and a friend of a friend of his who I didn't know, but he was a perfectly nice guy and we were getting on well. I'd had a few drinks already, and the conversation they were having was on the topic of someone me and my mate went to uni with and hated. The guy tried to bring me into the conversation and asks me "Did you know xxxxx as well then?", and I replied off-handedly "Oh Christ, that irritating bitch". He replied: "She's my girlfriend."

I spent the rest of the meal in silence.
(qwghlm, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:12, Reply)

beatle related faux pas
Not me but a mate comes up to a group of us all at a party and, being particularly suave, tries to chat up the ladies...with a joke. His effort of "What's Paul McCartney getting for christmas?.....a smaller turkey!" (this being around the time of Linda's death) did not go dow well when one of the girls revealed her mum had recently died of cancer. oh how we blushed...
(ruttiger, Thu 22 Apr 2004, 16:11, Reply)