Colon Shaker
During a yoga class one time this woman, after performing the squatting crab or leaping salmon or whatever the fuck its called, let off a long, slow, warbling fart as she slowly returned to an upright position. The class giggled like school children. The woman went red and hid her face, embarrassed. The teacher – an incredibly fit blonde Jamie Lee Curtis look-a-like only with even bigger, even perter knockers said: “There's nothing to be ashamed about passing wind – its perfectly natural to release gas when you perform these exercises.”

A green light to pass wind? Fair enough. I'd been brewing a beauty for some time – blame it on the quarter pounder and chocolate milkshake I'd had at lunchtime.

I let rip the mother of all colon shakers, this fucker was so loud and so calamitous, had so much raw and awesome energy, I reckon most of the assembled class thought a hand grenade followed by a series of fire crackers had just gone off from my position at the back of the room. It was like a mighty, lingering t-rex roar – hamburger mixed with chocolate milk have a strange effect on my arsehole.

Blonde Jamie Lee Curtis looked over at me – we'd had a few run ins previously*, so she knew my name, and she spoke like she was addressing a puppy that'd just shat on her best, most expensive Persian rug: “Mr Hanky – my comment was directed at those taking part in the yoga lesson only. Not those residing in the chill out area...”

Well that fucking well told me...

* (don't advise a lady, even in a jokey way, that as she's wearing tight Lycra you can tell she hasn't tended the lady garden that week – apparently a woman's pubic hair growth is her own concern)
( SpankyHanky, Thu 9 Jul 2009, 23:59, 5 replies)

You bastard.
I laughed so hard I just woke the kids up. Now I'm going to have to spend the next hour getting them back to bed.

Have a click, even though you clearly don't deserve it.
( argyleblanket The man on the roof works for me, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 1:33, closed)

You cnut!
Glad I've finished my coffee and am alone in the office...

*dries eyes and goes back to reading*

(reading - not Reading)

Oh, and another clicky for you
( snee held his breath since, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 8:59, closed)

Pfft.
*Click*

:o)
(robbersdog, Fri 10 Jul 2009, 11:18, closed)

I enjoyed that immensely
*click-o-rama*
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Sun 12 Jul 2009, 19:35, closed)

I love you
*click*
( chart cat has an itch, Thu 16 Jul 2009, 2:37, closed)