the worst public flogging in history
I went to a comedy club to meet my girlfriends parents. It was after a watching England loose to the welsh in the rugby, so I was quite pissed, late and in a bit of a lary mood. Anyway, tried to turn on the charm to the lady friends ‘rents, but think I came of looking like a bit of a prick. When the show started i realised that we were sitting right at the front, and I was wearing a pick t-shirt – the reasoning behind this decision escapes me. The comedian soon spots me slouching furtively in the front, looking sheepish in pink, and figures hes got a nice easy target on his hands. How right he was. He starts with the whole “oh nice pink t-shit honey, where you from?” To which I replied, honestly, “Brighton”. Suitably tee-d up, he starts with the whole “ooh ducky” routine, and feeling a full of false confidence and trying to impress my future in-laws, I say “Oh I’m from brighton, so I must be GAY? Is that it? That’s original mate, hilARIOUS.” Bad mistake. He then asks me who I’m here with. I reply “I’m with my girlfriend, actually” Worse mistake. He looks at the bemused, mid 40’s well dressed couple sitting with us, and says..”Oh sweet jesus, your not out with your girlfriends parents are you mate?”. I didn’t reply but the way my face collapsed and my girlfriends eyeballs burst gave the game away, and then my girlfriends dad, gawd bless him, says “yes, he is actually”. The fucker smiles like a rapist walking into a dorm full of sleeping convent girls, looks at me and says..
”so how many times you met the folks then chief?”
I had to be honest and say ”First time tonight…”pleadingly.
Comedian - “how long you been seeing this girl?”
Me - “About a year and a half”
Comedian - “and this is the first time you’ve met them? You did well avoiding them so long…why is that? Something to hide? Bit a wanker are you mate? (to the old man) “What do you reckon sir…is he a bit a wanker?”
Old man – “he seems ok”
Comedian – “so you don’t mind the fact that he’s going to take your daughter home tonight and fuck her from behind all night long then?”

Cue audience uproar and my anal prolapse. Spent the rest of the night varying between apologising, blushing, being consolidated by members of the audience and having a stream of comedians come up and say – “so you’re the wanker who’s fucking that blokes daughter..” hell. Just…hell. Never wear pink to a comedy night.
(festival of pets, Thu 6 Apr 2006, 18:09, Reply)