My mum looks a bit like Jimmy Hill
You could hang a shopping bag on the damn facial protrusion below her bottom lip.

She doesn't like to draw attention to the fact, but she'll always be known as Chinook in my family...
( SpankyHanky, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 14:18, 4 replies)

More on university helicopter parents...
I've had to deal with a few helicopter parents in my time - and I only teach postgrads, so I'm a bit worried on that front.

I'd love to share details, but none of my stories is far enough in the past for me to be comfortable doing so. Besides: none of them is funny. They're just - in the truest sense - pathetic.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 14:05, 1 reply)

I accidentally created some helicopter parents.
I wish I had remembered this earlier in the week.

I have two boys- let's call them Thing 1 and Thing 2 for the moment, as that was their behavior when they were little- and they were a challenge to take out shopping with their mother, as they'd get bored while she wandered around the store like a cow following the grass under its mouth and would entertain themselves in ways that called for me to intervene before the police did.

One day we went to a kids' clothing store that had a slide built into the wall, with a large platform at the top boxed in with plexiglass on the front so parents could watch their kids pretending to be on TV before sliding down and running back up again. When we arrived the Things were the only ones there, and were having a great tine whooping as they ran up and slid down. I stayed with my daughter in her stroller as Nurse Ratched drifted around aimlessly, handling every item on the sale racks.

Before long other kids entered the store, and I heard even more manic sounds coming from the slide area. I looked up to see my sons basically terrorizing the other kids and blocking the slide.

I walked over to the slide and glared up at them with The Whammy and, in my best Voice of Doom growled, "Thin 1 and Thing 2, get down here NOW." I then walked back to the stroller where my daughter snoozed in peace.

When I turned around I saw that not only had the boys emerged, but every single other child in there had scrambled out of there and was hiding behind their parents, who were looking at me in bewilderment as their children trembled and peered at me from between knees.

Sheesh. I guess I overdid the Whammy...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 13:51, Reply)

Only just occurred to me...
A trend I've noticed over the last couple of years at university open days is that the campus tours have at least as many parents as prospective students on them.

It's freshers' week next week. I think there should be a sweepstake on how many helicopter parents there are there, and how long they stay.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 13:48, 3 replies)

Proud Helicopter parents and their offspring
farm4.static.flickr.com/3593/3320160032_2b2e64cbf7.jpg
( M o D, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 13:44, 1 reply)

My story - not funny
Not a very nice story but here we go.

I was sexually abused from the age of eight until I left home at sixteen by my brother. During most of this period I was too scared to tell anyone. My brother said if I did he'd kill me and I beleived him. Eventually I told my parents. This was when I was nearly sixteen and had missed my period. I was so scared I might be pregnant. My brother never raped me but he did things which I could possibly have gotten pregnant by doing, things I don't want to ever talk about with anyone. I went and told my mum and burst out crying. And she didn't beleive me. She stuck up for my brother and said he was such a nice boy and would never do anything like this. She accused me of sleeping round with the boys at school - not true, I hated sex and still do to this day because of what happened.

Turns out I wasn't pregnant. I was just stressed and that had stopped my periods. Then in the few weeks (seemed like years) while I figured out how to get myself out of that situation, my parents ignored me. They concentrated on my brother and how great he was at everything. Made me sick. Made me very ill.

And then one day I just left. Walked out and never went back. I'd sorted out accomodation through a charity and it was a good stop gap. Got a job in the local supermarket. Never looked back. Never spoke to any member of my family again. Might sound harsh, but I just never saw the point. They live 200 miles away from me now and it might as well be another country because I'm never going back.

I closed this chapter on my life for good when I left. Never took it any further as I don't think anyone would beleive me. I beleive everyone gets what they deserve in the end, and I imagine my so called helicopter parents (with regards to my brother anyway) and my brother will get what they deserve, eventually.

Thanks for reading and sorry for lack of funnies. Normal service from spanky and the others can resume now.
(Great Amy, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 13:03, 34 replies)

Being sat down by my mum at age 13
with a bannana.

And being shown how to put a nodder on.

Still makes me shudder.
(Jelly God, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 12:52, 1 reply)

My mum wouldn't let me watch the Young Ones
Although she'd never seen it herself.

She just kept saying that Cliff Richard was a bad influence on a young impressionable mind.
(Jennykins, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 12:50, 2 replies)

My mum drives me nuts
Well meaning, but 250 miles away means she only gets to see her cherub infrequently. So she makes best use when she does. She didn't believe my Dad when he said i was probably sleeping with my GirlF at Uni - "what, before marriage?" "Not my son!" my family fell about ( i wasn't there thankfully, but i was 19 and in a committed relationship).

This wasn't it. My mum took us to a Chav restaurant and before we went we snuck up behind me and started to COMB MY HAIR. I was 31 years old and married for 5 years by then.

Aaaaaagggggghhhhhhhhh. She may as well have rang my boss and discussed my poopy habits. I love her to bits, but years of helicoptering came flashing back in just a few seconds.....
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:54, Reply)

What??
I had a friend at school whose mum laid out her clothes every day
(nothing very unusual there).
One day she told me she'd gone home to a 2 hour rant because she
hadn't worn the socks laid out because they didn't match her
knickers. (Is that important??)

She was 16 and doing o levels at the time.
(Underpants, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 11:53, Reply)

diddums
LAST year whilst helping at a local youth group, a parent of a newly joined kid came in to complain that we'd over run by 5 minutes or so. Turns out she was upset because it meant he couldn't get to bed ontime, normally she wanted him in bed by 9 but on a club night, he had to be in bed by 9.30.

He was 15.
It was a Friday Night.
(cornishbob is going to hell on, Thu 17 Sep 2009, 10:31, 2 replies)

Well it seemed appropriate to me....
When Boy1 (aged 4 ish) informed Mrs Ferret & I that there was an Easter Bonnet competition being held in school we made the niave assumption that we would have time to actually make a hat with him. Alas this was not to be the case as he only told us about 20 minutes before the start of school on the day of the competiton.

Being too soft earted to allow him to be the only one in his class not to have some sort of festive hat I looked around the house to see what I could craft for him that would embrace the Easter/Spring time theme. What could be more Eastery than a crown of thorns? A quick trip to the pyrocantha bush in the garden and the headwear was created. Boy went into school and all were happy (if somewhat bleeding). Upon collecting child from school that afternoon his teacher did ask if I could try to avoid making costumes that actually injure the wearer.

Not sure if this makes a helicopter parent for dropping everything to make a hat or not.
(ferretygubbins, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 23:47, 2 replies)

Shocked the shit out of all the other heli parents
My friend told me of the massive amount of phone calls from the other parents in his church group re: his son's behavior. Little Saffron, Julian and Miller couldn't possibly associate with Mike's kid anymore....

The kids, all 4 to 5 year old had been playing "bus". The teachers lined them in on chairs in a bus formation and each child took regimented turns being the bus driver. At one point the teacher decided to teach good manners-she exclaimed, "oh, look! There's a car stopped in the road! What do we do, children?" and every kid except Mike's pretended to hit the brake with appropriate screechy noises.

Not this kid. He jumped up in the "aisle" and screamed, "Move out the got-damn way, ya REE-TARD!" and sat back down quite satisfied he'd told that moron a thing or two. Four years old.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 22:09, 6 replies)

I had trouble recalling a newspaper headline about a demon who had joined the police force and dealt ecstasy to local kids.
So I asked a macro whose purpose was to strip an integer-ranged function, and it told me the right answer.

It was "Hell E Cop" - ta, Pare int()!

LOL!
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 17:44, 7 replies)

More vulture than helicopter..
I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small, petite thing, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on holiday for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF. I was pissed off, told him to "get his meat out of GF and GTFO", needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.

Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's a pic of my GF for you guys as I know you'll ask.
( mango_charlie, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 17:17, 19 replies)

After graduating
I spent a year sabbatical running the Students' Union. One of the regular bits of our week was spending every monday doing disciplinaries. These were almost all people who ahd their union cards taken off them on the Wednesday or Friday nights after either a fight, getting so drunk they'd thrown up over themselves or someone else, and every now and again getting caught with drugs.

To protect the license and keep the local plod happy we basically had a zero tolerance policy; fighting got you a minimum 8 week ban, any drugs offense got a life ban.

One memorable week this guy comes into my office for his disciplinary and it turns out he'd got plastered, then did enough coke to turn a whale into a cocky gobshite for a week, then - completely unprovoked - walked up to one of security girls and whacked her in the face.

He was absolutely furious that we gave him a life ban. Couldn't understand why he couldn't just pay a fine and be back in the union that week. Tells us we're going to hear from his lawyer (fat chance that would do anything - private members clubs can pretty much do what they like).

So a week later we haven't heard anything from any lawyers. What does happen, however, is the guy makes an appointment to come in and see us. The next day he rocks up with - yes, you've guessed it - his mum.

What follows is an hour of him sobbing, and his mum trying to justify drug taking and assault as minor infractions that we were being completely unreasonable about.

The *really* tragic thing was that this was a 21 year old who was going to graduate in 4 months.
(OP, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 16:35, 4 replies)

We had no friends
because we'd just moved to a backward god-awful Yorkshire backwater from the relatively cosmopolitan Somerset. Yep, Somerset was less hick than this place. The new town makes Royston Vasey look like LA

Couple that with some pretty strong oo-argh accents and being pretty posh (next to farmers' lads who still took days off to help with harvests) and even my parents realised my older brother and I had a job to do making friends. So, at the ages of 14 and 16, they let us have our first house party. On New Year's Eve.

Of course being over-protective of a) us and more importantly b) their ancient pile of a town house currently in the process of being re-Dickensified, they weren't actually going to let us take over the place. We negotiated them down to staying in the "drawing room" while the kids got the run of the rest of the house, barring the parents'/smaller siblings' rooms.

Great - much drinking, shagging, dancing ensued. Midnight rolls around and everyone's shouting and jumping off sofas, welcoming in 2001. We're having a party, and people like us, and I'm even a bit pissed. Great!

Til my Dad walks in. At 00:03.

"TIME OUT KIDS, TIME FOR BED"

Including the universal timeout "T" hand signals.

Cheers Dad.
(bolshevette, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 15:43, Reply)

My dad would always take things far too literally...
When I was six he asked where I wanted to go and play, the swings the see-saw, the climbing frame, or anywhere else I fancied.

I thought about this and started with a long drawn-out: "Well..."

Took me four long fucking hours climbing out of that fucker, I was soaked to the skin and the bucket kept getting in the way...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 13:30, 5 replies)

My mum would drive me absolutely mental
She'd dote over me, beat the shit out of anything or anyone who tried to as much as look at me, and she'd do all this with an evil smile/grin on her face.

Terrible thing is after all this she didn't even teach me how to swim. I had to do that all by myself.

Its hard being a crocodile.
(Pastabator earned his brown wings with your girlfriend on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 13:24, Reply)

My mum searched the history on my PC
She was disgusted. Livid. Annoied.

She didn't mind the porn, that was to be expected, but when she spent two minutes looking at B3ta...
(Big Grant, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 13:22, 1 reply)

Guardian angels
So, I'm pushing 30 and although my parents' sometime overbearing nature has somewhat subsided in recent years, a new manifestation has reared - holistic healing. You see, my Mother is over-protective about our souls.

Let me explain. My Mother, a lapsed Catholic, has always had a taste for the holistic, for the irrational, for the "well, you just don't know" and blind faith schools of philosophy. With this is mind this is how a few years ago we came to host a holistic healer, complete with healing crystals, for christmas dinner.

I took an instant, furiously hostile, dislike to this nutter's presence in my house, but participation in the post-dinner healing session was mandatory. I watched with barely disguised disgust as each family member in turn was "healed" by this lycra-clad mentalist dangling a crystal on a chain above their heads, and when it was my turn there seemed to be a problem.

"Strange." said the mentalist "Very, strange"
"What... what is it?" cried my Mum, fearfully.
"Well... the thing is" said mental (or should I say charlatan), "You see - most people have two guardian angels and I'm afraid your son, well, he only has one! He must have done something *really* bad to upset one of them. His aura has a sense of evil. The remaining guardian angel has just told me that he needs to Watch. His. Step."

Stitched good and proper!

Cue many, many subsequent phone calls with enquiries as to "What had I done?", "Had my guardian angel returned?", was there "anything I needed to tell them?".

Bastard.
( rofl harris, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 13:17, 11 replies)

and then my mother knew...
I've been thinking all week about how to make this into funnies. It's not, it's just the most embarassing episode of my life so far and even writing about it is making me cringe. So apologies for lack of hummous.

My mother eventually found out about the wholly unsuitable boy (story) from my little sister. In hindsight, bit stupid to tell that motor-mouth about it, but I wanted to show off to someone.

Weirdly, hitting the roof didn't occur. Instead, I got the "i'm just disappointed" treatment, and dragged to the doctors the next day. Mummy didn't want to be GrandMummy just yet, so she set about procuring me the Pill. So far, so good, but for three points:

1. Anyone who's been on the Pill will know it's most effective when taken at around the same time each day. My mum took this advice, impressed upon me by the GP, rather to heart.

2. My mum is of the old-school who believe that every medicine is probably a bit dangerous and the effects of this can be cushioned by only taking drugs after a proper meal.

3. I've never eaten breakfast.

So 1 + 2 + 3 meant I had to toddle along to the school nurse's office every chuffing lunch time for two years. Past the rest of the school queuing for dinners down the same corridor.

Yes, my mother persuaded the school to dispense my hot-monkey-sex enabling tablet to me. Not only did the rest of my year assume I was the school bike (not so bad), they learnt quite how much of a "mummy's special soldier" I was too.

Might not sound so bad now, but imagine being a teenage girl. You're embarassed thinking of your own sex life, let alone knowing everyone else is thinking about it too.

To top it off my mother told this story to my first serious, living-together-n-all boyfriend when I was 21. Over dinner. Then asked him to administer my sexy-time hormones in future. Because I'm "a bit ditzy".
(bolshevette, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 13:02, 4 replies)

Oi Son
end this qotw or I'll tell your mother.
(Suck it and Sea, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 9:16, Reply)

Not me, but a friend.........'s mum
One of my best friends is the oldest of four boys, all well rounded individuals in their own right, and all with their own talents. Two of them are in IT, another training as a Aeronautical Engineer, and my mate a very talented musician.

Their mother, although a very 'world-smart' woman that I have a lot of respect for, has completely smothered them all to the point where their personal development lags behind their chronological years.

My mate is 26, has recently moved from the family home to a place with his girlfriend, my understanding is that his mum now does all the washing/ironing for him and his missus, and buys them food. It was bad enough that up until he left home she used to serve as his personal alarm clock.

Next youngest, 24, moved straight from the family home to a house with his fiancé, bless him he found a girl with the same attitude as his ma -again, a lovely woman, but a bit too eager to please in my book.

Next youngest, 21, still lives at home, works in IT, but has no need to do any housework/washing/ironing and (my understanding is) doesn't pay any rent, and when asked if he would mind contributing to the household in hard times told his folks "I can't afford it, I just bought a new car"

Youngest of the brood, the trainee plane maker, takes the biscuit. He must be 17/18 by this point. Treats the place like a hotel, swears at his folks routinely, doesn't contribute, doesn't pay rent. However, the point that stood out to me most was when I walked into their living room recently and found him curled up on the sofa, with his thumb in his mouth, and his head resting contently in his mothers lap while she stroked his hair.

Again, they're all talented and nice guys in their own right, but I do think they have some sort of co-dependent relationship with their poor mother, the gal lives to please them and I wonder what she'd going to do when they've all been married off.
(batmowes Internet Dating Superstud, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 7:50, 5 replies)

possible helicopter sister?
My boy and my girl were at the local kid soft play area. The boy was getting a bit of grief from another couple of older kids. so he came to chat to me about it. He told me they were picking on him. My girl, who has had similar problems gave him the same advice i gave her. " punch them back, dont let them be mean"

So i think nice work mini danglesmurfette.

Until i look over. the kids (2 of them, both older mind) start on my boy. he belts one a cracker on the face. the other one throws my boy to the ground, and they start kicking him on the floor. Now im not the best tempered person ever, so this set me off. I ran over, ready to kung fu the 2 kids, when, like a ninja, my girl appeared from nowhere, king hit the first one so hard he dropped, then kicked the other one square in the nuts. she then made sure her brother was alright, before melting back into the background...

no wonder she has been getting detention recently. (She had a problem with bullies, and she tells me she battered the bullies. i didnt think anything of the battered bit until i saw this happen heh)

Helicopter sibling? or psycho? i think a bit of both.

Oh and the other two kids? went off crying to their dad. he looked ready for trouble until one of the other parents mentioned her kids were being bullied. A stern fuck off from me, a withering look from the yummy mummy, and they all left. result.
(danglesmurf, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 6:07, 2 replies)

Susan
Susan is one of those annoying, hypocritical neo-hippies who wake up one day and decide to be a vegan and lecture everyone around on the evils of meat munching (she also shaves her head these days whilst ironically abstaining from shaving her pits, legs and muff). I say hypocritical because she campaigns for every cause you can imagine, including an elephant that was part of a travelling circus (this one received particularly funny news coverage featuring the elephant's trainer saying that he is as happy as could be expected, his conditions are beyond humane, he loves the attention from the crowds and, best of all, he has been in captivity for so long that he'd hate it in the wild, deflating all the protesters' arguments), yet she locked the three kittens she had outside because she couldn't afford to feed them (what?).

ANYWAY, her son, Israel (poor fucker), is often dragged along to these protests and has adopted her vege-eating ways, which would be fine if he didn't sound so brainwashed about the whole thing. I'll never forget how appalled I was when he, after being offered a Shapes cracker (they're little crackers covered in flavouring in case you don't have them) at a party, asked whether or not they had any artificial flavours or additives because "Mummy doesn't like me eating those". The kid's 7, for fuck's sake, he shouldn't know anything about flavours and additives. There have been many examples like this but that's the one that really sticks out in my mind.

She also alternates between doting on him and calling him the most special boy ever to being completely oblivious to and uninterested in his demands, which must be confusing. That kid is going to grow up with some major issues.

The worst thing is that I used to sleep with her =/
(ElGranto, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 0:54, 2 replies)

porkinator's posted reminded me
I was round at a mate's place. His Father is a rugby ref and dedicates some of his spare time to ref'in youth rugby, under 15's i think.

Were sat in the front room, as one does, and his Dad came back from ref'in a match. So we all popped out for a smoke and my mate asked how the match was.

He said he had to send someone off. Not a play but a parent. For shouting at the opposition and call them all retards.

We did chuckle. But it is sad that, that sort of thing happens.

StyX
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 0:26, Reply)

Hehe....Just the other way round
My mum (maysherestinpeace) used to leave me and my little sister on a playground while she went shopping, or locked in the car...with Peter Skellern on the fecking cassette player (Peter Skellern! ((google it...no...no...don't!!!!)) AAAGGGGHH no wonder we both love Metallica and S.O.A.D now)

However...I get a bit protective over my eldest...life hasn't dealt us the best hand of cards but we're both pretty cool I think...well....Anyway...he's nearly 17, and not got the best GCSE's (I did, didn't get me anywhere, they mean jack shti I think) but his girlfriend got about 30 I think, and now going on to do her ASS levels...and her mum is so mean to my boy!!

She gets right in his face and tells him he's basically worthless - this - even though he's been working like a proper man as a chef for the last 6 months and starting tomorrow on a proper apprenticeship...I'm proud of him...I want to kick her in the fnay, I really do...and I'm a girl!! Nothing wrong with being a bit protective now an then I dont' think...

And he's also very good with the interwebs...he's in charge of making us a youtube vid for an SOAD song that I love...I don't know how to make this happen...I just sulk and pout until it works :D
( curvylittlegoth heard the voices in your head on, Wed 16 Sep 2009, 0:26, 3 replies)