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This is a question I'm going to Hell...

...because I said the Lord's Prayer backwards at a funeral to summon up the Goat of Mendes, Freddie Woo tells us. Tell us why you're doomed.

Thanks to Kaol for the suggestion

(, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 13:09)
Pages: Latest, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, ... 1

This question is now closed.

Disability Seminar
Back in my college days I went to a disability seminar. There were all sorts of differently abled folk there to give speeches etc. At one point a lady in a wheelchair needed a push to get up the ramp to the podium. A gentleman who was a dwarf obliged.

It was then that the "roll up, roll up!" Circus Music started playing in my head.

I'm going to hell.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:42, Reply)
I may have sexually assaulted a quadriplegic
Tourette's has, in turn, reminded me ...

A boozy weekend in Dublin a few years ago with a (platonic) male friend.

After doing the inevitable Guinness factory tour, and imbibing an inevitably large quantity of booze we hit inevitably* Temple Bar.

A long night of boozing commenced, ending up in some awful touristy nightclub which booted us out at about 4am.

After sleeping the majority of that off back at the hotel we met up for Sunday lunch ... it was at that point that the mist started clear, and my memories of the previous night returned.

I had to ask whether I had, in fact, been on the dancefloor in said club gyrating at a younger version of Stephen Hawking who could do very little about it all, or if it was just a bad dream.

No, that was me.

*ok, I'll stop...
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:26, 2 replies)
Kaol just reminded me, I dropped a midget
Twas a few years ago, around this time of year. A few of us were out on a hen party, dressed as Santas.

While I was at the bar, this bloke started chatting me up and asked if I'd like to dance. It wasn't until he climbed down from his bar stool that I noticed he was vertically challenged.

Not wanting to offend the chap, and being the season of good will, I thought it only good manners to continue to the dance floor.

Then the cheeky little shite grabbed my arse! So, without thinking, I grabbed his too. Now, my son must have been around 4, and my drunken instinct was to pick the dwarf up and sit him on my hip. And swing him round on the dancefloor.

What fun. Until, being at the "right" level now, Little Elvis (for that is his name) decided to plant a smacker on my lips.

EEEEEOUGH! Nasty slavvery yuck! Too busy was I wiping the slavver off my chops - with both hands, for it was gross - it took a moment or two before I realised that I'd dropped him. On his back. He resembled one of those Smash robots, squirming on the floor as I peeled a potato.....
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:11, 5 replies)
Explaining Positive Discrimination
Rock music society meeting in the bar. Long hair, bleached hair, leather, denim, make up (glam rocker stuff, you know?) and general chit chat about life.

One guy is discussing something job related with another and asks him "What is positive discrimination?"

"Well," he says, "Positive discrimination is when you employ an Asian lesbian cripple because she's the only Asian lesbian cripple who's applied for the job. Suitability has nothing to do with it."

Suddenly there's a loud clunk as the doors to the bar are pushed open by an object. Silence descends over everyone. As an Indian girl in an electric wheelchair moves slowly through the bar to go into the canteen.

The silence is now one of such profound stunnedness, all eyes on this lass in the electric wheelchair as she heads to the canteen. You could have heard a headlouse fart. She clunks through the double doors to the canteen.

As they shut everyone in the bar starts howling with uncontrollable laughter. At least two people pissed themselves. I was crying hysterically on the table. The comic timing of this was so incredibly perfect.

The only way it could have been better is if she had been in a Spazz wheelchair.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:05, 2 replies)
Working at an airport
I have for the last few years worked as a rep in ski resorts in France, and the highlight of the week is welcoming the new guests at the airport (this should be said dripping with sarcasm).

Two years ago I was talking to two lovely young ladies who were working abroad for the first time, working my charm as it were (obviously getting nowhere). Get to the end of the conversation and turn around to stride manfully away, unbeknownst to me, a small child had managed to escape from his parents and just happened to toddle by at the wrong time.

The result was a small child catapulted across the concourse of a busy arrivals lounge. A bit like the granny kicking the baby vid that did the rounds a few years ago.

The going to Hell bit is where I was completely unable to keep a straight face and burst into hysterical laughter right in front of his parents.

In my defense, he really shouldn't have been left running around a busy airport.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 16:05, Reply)
When working as airport security
Handed somebody their case from the x-ray belt. Didn't notice midget stood in front of them.

Knocked him out with heavy case.

I don't work there anymore.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 15:42, Reply)
and in turn, i should have joined myspace just reminded me
On the subject of blind people. It wasn't intentional, but you'll probably find it funny.

I was on a train a few weeks ago. It was really full. Ridiculously full. Absolutely fucking rammed. Every seat full, people stood in the ends of the carriages and the bits between them, you know the score.

I was stood in the end of one of the carriages, by the sideways facing seats and a big pile of luggage, with about half a square foot of space to stand in. The aisle was crammed with bags as well, so every time someone came along trying to get on or off, me and the bloke next to me had to lift a few suitcases up and hold them in our arms, and sort of turn round, shuffle backwards and breathe in so there was enough space to get down the aisle. Every time, I had to shove my arse right in the face of this fairly hot teenage girl who was asleep on one of the sideways seats. We got quite good at it in the end, me and this random bloke, it was like some sort of choreographed dance move. But I digress.

After the endless amounts of old grannies trying to get past, came a bloke with a white stick. Fairly obviously blind, or visually impaired. We executed our little manoeuvre, making sure he had as much space as we could create. As he came up to us he asked us where the toilet was. I directed him to the next one, at the far end of the carriage he was passing into, and told him it was on his right.

We watched his slow progress down the aisle of the next carriage (well, there was nothing else to do!) until, about two thirds of the way there, he stumbled over a bag someone else had left in the aisle, stacked it, and faceplanted pretty much into someone's lap. I thought he'd knocked himself out at first, but he seemed to be alright once he was helped to his feet.

And the bad bit? I didn't notice until this poor bloke had been to the toilet, struggled back through the carriage, and our bottleneck of piles of luggage, and past us back to his seat, that the wall behind me I was crammed against was, unbeknownst to me, a door. To a toilet. About 5 yards from where this bloke was sat in the first place, and I'd made him traverse the whole length of a packed carriage, and fall over into the bargain.

I wondered why a few people gave me dirty looks as I was originally directing him to the toilet!
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 15:39, 5 replies)
Late post
My friend is going to hell.

When drunk one day he confided in me that he sometimes has problems pissing, especially when there is somebody at the next urinal. When this happens, he imagines he's pissing on fat people, and then he can go.

(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 15:31, Reply)
Kaol reminded me
My friend has a huge fear of blind people. It doesnt happen often but when she sees one she runs away. And we piss ourselves.

In the summer there was about 12 of us loitering with intent near my house and a blind person walked past and brushed against her arm. Cue her running away screaming nearly knocking her over and us in fits of histerical laughter while the poor woman was still right next to us.

I feel terrible now
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 15:25, Reply)
Laughing at Midgets
As much of a cunt as it makes me feel, I nearly piss myself laughing every time I see one.

I was at a party once, in a flat with a balcony.
I'd gone out to have a smoke, and when I turned around there was a midget in the lounge.
I laughed so hard that I had to stay out on the balcony for about an hour.

I wish I could be more tactful sometimes.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 15:14, 17 replies)
Modern day celebrity
I don't understand modern day celebrity. Years ago you had to break your back to attain a high level of stardom.

Nowadays you can practically get someone to do the back breaking and still get on the front page of every newspaper.

Just ask Baby P.
(, Thu 18 Dec 2008, 14:56, 1 reply)

This question is now closed.

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