Streams of Whiskey
After a whiskey-fueled 18 year old's party fizzled out and everyone fell asleep in piles on the floor, I was woken by by friend dragging what looked like a dead body into the 'off limits parent's bedroom'. I stood up despite the room spinning like a waltzer to find out what had happened.
On entering the room the smell hit me, there was vomit and shit all over the bed, the contents of the drawers were on the floor and the light shade was in tatters.
'What happened?' I asked him.
'I think I was a bit pissed and had an accident.' came the obvious reply.
'So who is the dead boy?'
'Oh he's not dead - he's just hammered. I thought if I dragged him in here, laid him on the bed and wiped puke on his face he would think he did it and clean it up.'
It did work. And worked on many occasions after this party too.
(Tugnut I got them all..., Wed 14 Oct 2015, 18:35, 3 replies)

My friend Evie is great fun, v popular and the life and soul of many a party
She is also hopelessly scatty and, at the time of this incident, had a terrible track record of dating losers. So many losers.

This particular evening, she went to a friend's housewarming in islington. It was the kind of house party you go to in your early 20's clutching a 6 pack and leave it in the kitchen. After an hour or so, the hostess came up to her, clearly pissed off.

"Evie, that bloke you brought with you is really annoying everyone. He's nailing all the booze!"

"Oh, I'm really sor-" Evie began. Then, "Hang on, I didn't bring any bloke with me!!!"

Turned out a tramp had chanced his arm and followed her in; she had been blissfully oblivious. The people at the party just assumed he was her latest. The tramp, let loose in the kitchen, couldn't believe his luck and maximised it by downing as much as he could before he got rumbled. Apparently a tramp can get through quite a few cans of beer in an hour.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 18 Oct 2015, 16:09, 7 replies)

Hurrah! Pearoast!
Twizel may well be the grimmest town in New Zealand - built as a workers' dormitory for dam construction projects, and unaccountably not abandoned, its inhabitants tend towards the bored and brutal. A mate of mine spent his formative years there, and befriended a character known simply as the Animal.
It came to pass that my mate was at a typically feral party one evening and found himself being pestered by an annoying and drunk middle-aged woman ("What's your star sign?" That sort of nonsense). Hoping to distract her, he summoned the Animal and quietly asked him to work his rough charms.
This the Animal did - some 5 minutes later, he was seen leading the woman into the host' bedroom. Well and good, thought my friend, giving it no further theought for another 10 minutes, when suddenly was heard a high-pitched shriek.
The guests all piled into the bedroom in a state of high glee, to behold the woman staggering from the bed in her knickers, her body dripping with runny shit and urine. What had happened was that the Animal had been standing astride her, trying to summon an erection by straining and willpower alone. In his drunken confusion he managed to lose control of his bowels instead.
Of the great man himself there was no sign, only an open window.
(mudskipper, Thu 15 Oct 2015, 8:55, 5 replies)

( $$ ✅, Wed 14 Oct 2015, 18:16, 2 replies)

I went to a house party wearing a spiked collar once
Some bender got himself off by impaling an apple on one of the spikes and eating it, the filthy pervert.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 13 Oct 2015, 14:00, Reply)

I went to this great house party once.
There were loads of people, loud brash music, and some weird bearded wanker who was sticking people in a plexiglass box and pouring coloured gloop onto their heads.

It only lasted about an hour though, because some douchebag cracked their head open in the car park and died.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Mon 12 Oct 2015, 15:14, 7 replies)

Does anyone like this?
www.b3ta.com/links/fat_ballbag
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 23 Oct 2015, 18:01, 2 replies)

(AEthelfrith of Bernicia, Mon 19 Oct 2015, 13:37, 1 reply)

Pearoast from eleven years ago
...maybe more. I'd just got to university, and along with my wonderful new housemates (stoner and her boyfriend, pilled up nutter, pretty girl who hid in her room the entire time) decided to throw a house party. What better way to get to know each other, eh?

This involved... Well, bugger all people, really. Nobody turned up apart from one of my housemate's brothers, and a few of his mates from home. Turned out nobody had bothered inviting anyone, but anyway. I went to the pub for the evening instead, but was told about this the next day. The guy in question, who shall now be named Chris, as that may have been his name, killed off sixteen cans of Stella and a few pints down the local within three hours, and promptly fell asleep. Fast forward to that night. After Chris makes an attempt to get into one of my female housemate's beds, along with her and her boyfriend...

My housemate's brother wakes up, to see Chris squatting over a chair and a turd emerging. Not quite believing his eyes, he woke up my housemate.

"Er. Is Chris taking a shit on the chair?"

My housemate looked over.

"Chris, are you taking a shit on the chair?"

"Yes."

"...What the fuck are you doing! Stop it, you dirty bastard."

"At least let me finish."

By that point, he had indeed finished. Fast forward to... that night, again. A bit later on. My housemate's brother again wakes up, to find Chris squatting. Over a bin, this time. The kitchen bin, which he had apparently fetched from downstairs for the sole purpose of shitting in. A trip which involves walking past the bathroom. Again, the brother wakes my housemate up, and they both watch mutely as Chris unleashes the full watery wrath of his innards into the bin.

A few days later, I carry one of our many bin bags around to the front of the house for collection. What's that I spy through the huge rip in the side of one of the bags I'm carrying? Shit coated pot noodle pots? Oh, yes indeed. The binmen come, and go, and the bag remains. I depart for uni, and as I leave a nurse from the veterinary surgery next door walks over and starts moving our rubbish to their skip. Did I warn her about the shit filled bag with a big split in the side, just waiting to rip open?

Did I fuck.

I turned my headphones up, but the music wasn't quite loud enough to mask the sound of plastic noodle containers clattering to the ground, and the scream of terror.

I moved out of that house a week or two later.
( gone, Wed 14 Oct 2015, 11:02, 2 replies)

( $$ ✅, Tue 13 Oct 2015, 17:20, Reply)

December 31st 1999
Millennium New Years Party. Highlights of the evening include.

My friend James comes dressed as Geri Halliwell in the Union Jack dress. over the course of the night we convince him to shave off all his body hair.

Peteloaf infrequent b3ta poster starts vomiting in the bath. Despite repeatedly being asked to vomit in the toilet he continues to vomit in the bath because people keep coming in the bathroom and pissing on his head.

James vomits in a carrier bag and attempts to throw it over the garage. As he is swinging the bag round and round it hits the back of his leg, explodes and sends his vomit cascading up his Union Jack dress. He continues drinking and ignores this.

Peteloaf has just stopped vomiting in the bath. Pete asks for water and a kind soul brings him half a pint of Aldi White Rum which Pete promptly downs. Pete begins vomiting in the bath again. Alcohol poisoning is funny.

Treve is seeing how many cigarettes he can fit in his mouth. Treve decides to see what happens if he lights and attempts to smoke them all. Answer - He vomits.

Keyword : Vomit
( Peej, Tue 13 Oct 2015, 11:27, 4 replies)

MASSIVE DRUGS

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 22 Oct 2015, 12:25, 1 reply)

up in scotland one new years eve
I stabbed a bunch of family and friends, then this copper bird shows up, so I did what came naturally, I wrestled with her. Standard.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Tue 20 Oct 2015, 19:11, 11 replies)

at a house party once
I was sick in the dogs bowl, and the dog ate it.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Fri 16 Oct 2015, 15:24, 5 replies)

"Hot dog
Jumping frog, I'm a cookie"

At least I snogged the paperboy.
(kitescreech still here, Wed 14 Oct 2015, 11:46, 5 replies)

Most revolting thing was probably when someone threw up in out downstairs bathroom.
We have the type of radiators with the vents in the top. They didn't make it to the toilet and threw up down the wall and in to the radiator. He then cleaned up as best he could, sprayed a bunch of air freshener around and said nothing. The next morning the central heating came on and filled the house with the smell of hot vomit.
( Peej, Mon 12 Oct 2015, 9:24, 7 replies)

when I turned 21 I was a stoner failing his way through university
I thought a house party was a good way to celebrate, and used it as an excuse to invite a bunch of people I thought might be fun. Along with big drinking suburban relatives I invited two brazilian drug dealers. They were friends of a friend, but I'd once donated my hydroponic setup to them, and they recriprocated by supplying the whole party for nothing, or at least those who made the trip to the bedroom. Another friend who went on to have a reasonably successful music career agreed to play his two-piece led zepplin cover band in the backyard. A mate who I hadn't seen in 10 years and had spent the last few of them in the punk scene in bulgaria turned up, mohawk and piercings. I remember my dad's springer spaniel spent the whole party with his wet nose wedged up against his punk girlfriend's clunge. We figured she was on her rags. Trying to mingle, stoned drunk and e'd up, I remember going upstairs to see somebody standing on the pool table while hacking down with a sword to somebody blocking with another sword while an old high school mate blithely attempted to scratch DJ on the decks to poor effect. Somebody had given me a set of sumurai swords as a present and the sword fights had been going on all evening. Saw the sun come up sitting in a swimming pool still talking bullshit with the last of the guests. Bit of cleaning up the next day, but it was a good party.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Sun 11 Oct 2015, 12:19, 8 replies)

manolith touched a dog on the bumhole

(AEthelfrith of Bernicia, Fri 16 Oct 2015, 12:16, 1 reply)

Housewarming
Threw a housewarming party about 20 yrs ago, invited around 40 people.
There was a large piece of waste ground next to the flat so we had a huge bonfire, that apparently could be seen for miles away. Anyway it attracted loads of gatecrashers, ended up with around 200 people.
The food and booze vanished in minutes, we had a whip round and restocked from the local co-op
Some crusty locked themselves in my bathroom and took a bath , there was no hot water , they used a whole bottle of bath oil and left a black greasy tide mark round the bath.
Someone stole a pair of curtains, some bikers turned up and had a fight, someone ended up thrown onto the bonfire.
I spent the whole night fretting a bit and going around introducing myself as the party host and asking who they were.
I ended up locking the flat and keeping the party outside.
Made cups tea in the morning for the dozen or so randoms who spent the night sleeping by the fire.
Was a bloody good night in the end and made some new friends.
I would overhear strangers talking about it for a couple of weeks afterwards.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Sun 11 Oct 2015, 19:06, 2 replies)

A few years ago we were invited to the engagement party of my cousin's daughter
The evening seemed to be going swimmingly, until the bride-to-be and groom-to-be had a massive argument, culminating in them splitting up on the spot.

We then discovered the following day that the groom-to-be had narrowly avoided imprisonment for war crimes following his time in the army in Iraq.

More gallingly, we never got our fucking gift vouchers back.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 9 Oct 2015, 10:14, Reply)

I don't get invited to parties any more :(

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Fri 9 Oct 2015, 10:07, 6 replies)