Should i sue?
I bought a skipping rope (man type not 7 year old girl type) from america (boa 2000- the mutts nuts of a rope).

I was very suprised to find how painful it can be if you wear no shirt and skip. Regular skipping - fine, until you miss a beat and #Whipcrack#, sweet jesus i near dropped to the floor.

I carried on, and because i was now scared of it i pulled in too early and #whipcrack# - another welt. I tried to finish the full 20 minutes but i looked like i had spent the night in an S&M dungeon of some sort.

There was no instruction, and there damn well should have been. I think i have good grounds for legal recourse - DO NOT USE FOR SEMI NAKED SPORT would have sufficed.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Mon 8 May 2006, 16:39, Reply)

Irons
Everyone laughs at the silly instructions found on some irons like "do not use while still wearing clothes" or some such thing.

Anyway, a friend of mine a while back found out why that instruction is there. His shirt collar was creased, so he decided to sort it out. got a large burn on his neck instead.
We laughed.
(Fishbone-didi, Mon 8 May 2006, 16:36, Reply)

You know when they say
Don't open this without disconnecting the power supply?

I once forgot to unplug a small toaster before deciding I would finally open it up to find the source of that peculiar burning smell.

Please take note, any potential amateur electritians, the green and yellow wire is the earthing wire. It should be attached to the metal shell of whatever it is you're inadvisedly opening up.

Do not, under any circumstances, touch ANYTHING if the earthing wire is not attached to anything.

I still remember a distinct 'snap' and the very off-putting sense of having just chewed upon a piece of tinfoil with a mouth full of fillings.
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Mon 8 May 2006, 16:27, Reply)

Garlic
A few years ago I was share-housing with a bloke who wasn't exactly Heston Blumenthal in the kitchen. I could cook a bit (well, spag bol anyway), so he asked me whether he could help out when I was cooking so that he would pick up a few tips.

So, I asked him to peel a clove of garlic for me. I told him to slice it in two and then peel off the skin. I left him to it.

After a couple of minutes I looked back at him and he had cut a whole *bulb* of garlic in half and was just about finished peeling it. Very proud of himself he was too.
( BG, Mon 8 May 2006, 16:19, Reply)

I once put my chemistry set inside a microwave and drank the melted chemicals down with some bleach and too many pills and set it alight and burned by eyebrows and rubbed chilli in my eyes with my cock.
While I was doing this, my dinner burnt so I ironed myself by mistake.

( Lord Keeps meaning to procrastinate., Mon 8 May 2006, 16:15, Reply)

Don't
Don't iron naked - Much potential for pain

Don't fry naked - Splashing of hot oil on one's privates hurts. A lot.

Don't go near the oven naked - Opening the door releases a blast of hot air. Not good.

Don't BBQ naked - not least of all your neighbours might not like it

Don't drive naked - You're naked cos it's hot and let's be honest, you'll be sweating, think about it, you don't want to be sitting in that again do you??
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 May 2006, 16:05, Reply)

Unwritten instructions
I've a bad habit of disobeying life's unwritten instructions. You know the sort? Along the lines of "Don't attempt to eat this giraffe"?

I'm fairly sure there's one that states, "While using a steam iron, be sure to wear pants."

OW, people. BURNS TO THE GROIN.

A friend responded to my anguished sms with:

"It is with great trepidation I say that I always thought you had a hot pussy."
(sesquipedeviant, Mon 8 May 2006, 16:02, Reply)

Sticky car
When I was pretty small we used to drive to the continent reasonably regularly to go on holiday. 3 kids in the back of a car for 10+ hours is bad enough but apparently I used to add to the mayhem in my own particular way.

Standard drinks provision on these trips were those little juice boxes which you pierce with a straw. Every time my Mum would pass a freshly pierced one over her shoulder to me the same warning would come "Now don't squeeze it flimflam!" With depressing regularity the first thing I'd do would be grab it with superhuman strength liberally covering the interior of the car and whoever was next to me with orange juice/ribena/whatever. I think she eventually resorted to drinking about 3/4 of every box before handing it to me. Ha! I'd like to see her sort out my current drinking problem like that.


No apologies for strength of grip.
(flimflam_machine, Mon 8 May 2006, 15:38, Reply)

White spirit
When I was very small, around 20 months old I managed to open a childproof bottle of white spirit before pouring it out into a beaker and drinking it down. No idea why I did that but I gave my parents a bit of a shock.
( Fish, My keyboard has dsylexia built in., Mon 8 May 2006, 15:10, Reply)

Dont try and pick up mercury
a friend once broke a thermometer in science class. The teacher tried in vein to finish shouting "dont try to pick up the mercury!"
before it was too late. All of it disolved straight into his skin and left a nice yellow stain

God only knows what its done to him. Although he has always been a bit mad so who could tell the difference anyway.
(barronshark, Mon 8 May 2006, 15:04, Reply)

I know this is being picky...
...but isn't setting fire to furniture in an enclosed space not so much ignoring instructions as just being mind-fuckingly stupid?
(thePontificator, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Molten plastic garden furniture.
One day while Garden hopping in our local village, Jeremy & I spot the horrible white molded plastic garden furniture that everyone had in the 80's. Getting the table on my back & Jeremy with all 4 chairs on his we make it over the rest of the fences and retreat to Sean's garden.

At the bottom of Sean's garden there is an air raid shelter built in the 40's we put the furniture in there & head off to the supermarket. Buy a lighter & can of hairspray each (With no questions asked we reguarly did this at age 12) we go back to the shelter & burn the fuck out of the furniture.

Back acrid smoke billowing off the furniture it starts to fill the confined shelter quickly. With molten spittig plastic comming closer to us we both realise that we have put the furniture between us & the door.

There is an escape hatch on the top but 40 years of rust have sealed it pretty tight. Jeremy gets on my sholders & we try ramming it open with his head. on about the 10th go we get it open about an inch & then the fire backdrafts causing Jeremy to loose his eyebrows.

So the only way out is over the fire, taking a run up we both jump the blaze and dont quite make it landing in the hot hot plastic we run outside & start to strip off & rub outselfs down with grass to get the worst of it off.

This is when Seans mum comes outside demanding to know what is gong on, Sean was at boarding school & his 2 best friends are in his garden stripped to the pants rubbing themselfs with mud, black smoke billowing out of the door behind them.

We denied knowing anything about it.
(twocoats, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:31, Reply)

Electricution Memory Loss
After having a harpoon shot at me by Jeremy 2 weeks earlier i was looking for revenge. While fixing his computer one day the oppertunity arose.

The computer would not switch on, i said to Jeremy "there are 2 bits in the power supply that arent connecting, if you connect them we can see if they are the problem & then fix them properly."

Jeremy says "What should i connect them with?"

I Say "Just do it with your fingers, but Jump as i switch it on, that way you wont be earthed & will not get shocked. All we need is to see if it will power on with them connected"

To my delight he went for it, on three, 1, 2, 3. Jeremy jumps, i switch it on, jeremy flys out of room, i laugh so hard i wet myself.

An interesting side note to this is, Jeremy then lost his short term memory for 2 weeks.
(twocoats, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:21, Reply)

A good friend of mine....
known, ironically, as Large, has had a couple of mishaps in the kitchen.

Living on a diet of beer, chicken, ham, cheese and bread has always left him a little resticted in his diet, however he discovered chicken cordon bleu just a couple of years back.

Living in a shared house with his mate Gordie, he would regularly come back shit-faced. On one such night, he returned home pissed as a fart and chucked a couple of chicken lumps in the Aga. (Advice on instructions - Cook for 30 minutes)

He then proceeded to sit on the sofa, order Pizza and then eat said pizza following it's subsequent delivery. He then fucked off to bed.

Gordie returned a few hours later to find the Aga streaming smoke - The 30 minute guideline having been somewhat exeeded.

He ventured up to Large's beedroom with cries of "Large, wake up you fuckwit, you've set the oven on fire!"

Large then proceeded to dance around the kitchen in his boxer shorts, singing "We love you Largey" to the tune of the Andy Williams' classic "Can't take my eyes off of you".

3 Weeks later he did exactly the same thing again. Genious.

Apologies for length, etc...
( The Rabid Ferret of Doom is no longer a badger, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:16, Reply)

Harpoon guns
Me & my still best friend Jeremy were playing in our other friend Sean's garden one day. After looking in the shed we found a fully functional harpoon gun (Seans dad was in the navyu for years & had many toy's). Once found we lined up the garden Gnomes & shot them, after each shot one of us would have to run up the garden & retrieve the harpoon & then stand the Gnomes back up.

After standing the Gnomes up for the last time i turn around to see Jeremy with insane glee etched on his face as he points the reloaded spear gun at me. He made me open my legs up & then shot the harpoon between them missing my nut sack by about an inch.

Jeremy does not have a warning sign, but most likely should.
(twocoats, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:15, Reply)

Don't
Run with something sticking out of your mouth; a flute cleaner in my case. I pushed open a door which was heavier than I expected: it slammed back in my face, and the flute cleaner (long thin metal pole) pierced the back of my throat.

Cycle drunk. I got attacked by the pavement. Twice. The second time broke my shoulder.

Piss off an old dog. Results in a biting and snide "told-you-sos" from parents.

Sniff hydrochloric acid. As others have already testified, it HURTS.

Do a celeidh with a sprained ankle.

Kick your elder, taller, heavier and meaner brother in the balls. Once he finally catches up, your life is officially ended.

Accuse your housemistress of gross incompetence. With another 5 months to go under her supervision. She has the power to make life hell.

Leave pr0n on the family computer.

Try to force a needle through a tough bit of leather using your teeth instead of a thimble. A long trip to casualty got me an x-ray that showed the swallowed half needle in my stomach. Another trip, 3 days later, showed no sign of it. It had, thankfully painlessly, passed through and back into the wide world.

Feed alka seltzer to the ducks on the village pond. All the stories are true.

Take life too seriously.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 8 May 2006, 14:09, Reply)

A Short Fall...
There comes a time in every young boy's life where the warning sign FRAGILE ROOF COVERING: USE CRAWLING BOARDS becomes particularly valid.
When you are in your salad days retrieving your football from the garage roof was a task accomplished with monkey-like grace, but a year or two later, a few extra pounds, and WHOOMPH!

Through you go.

Fortunately, in my case, my fall was broken by the soft-top of a Jaguar XJS, though I was trapped inside a locked garage with no idea how to release the catch, so I was busted all ends up!
(Jay Tea, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:57, Reply)

Urgh - Like father.....
"Close the stairgate when you get upstairs"

Didn't.....

My little boy falls down all 14 terraced house steps face first.

Gah :-(

(No required trip to casualty and no telling off by the other half)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:43, Reply)

Urgh - .....like son
My son's all of 13 months and doesn't walk anywhere, he runs. At speed. Carrying things. In his mouth.

Like a toothbrush....

He was ok, I couldn't bring myself to shout at him....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Hot
I'm 30 and you'd think I'd know better (the grave's already beckoning).....

Annyhoo

The toaster's a metal thing in a plasticky type housing - the plastic bit doesn't get hot - it must be magic! Now, just how hot does the metal bit get? Before my brain engages, I've leaned over to touch the metal bit - a second later abject pain registers and my finger's burnt horribly. Doh.

I'd like to say that's the only thing I've done - apply the same story to the oven, pan, microwave dish, oven dish, hot tap, kettle - and repeat at least once a month. Over and over and over.....

/stupid!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:30, Reply)

`Don't play with fire`.
I was never very good with this one as a kid. One day, alone in the house, I decided I wanted to `age` some paper - y'know, cover it in coffee, burn the edges and make it nice and old-fashioned looking. God only knows WHY I felt I had to do this, having had no specific need for some aged paper but, when the urge takes you, eh? Taking my paper to the kitchen, I spark the hob and light it... And then I walk out of the kitchen, flaming paper in hand. I only realised this was a problem when it started burning toward my finger, panicked and legged it toward the kitchen. However, fire is faster than my wee legs so, it burned down to my fingers by the time I reached the bottom of the stairs and I flung it to the floor before running into the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water and tossing it over the offending pile of burning paper. Totally frazzled the carpet, left it all hard and rather horrid... So I decided to go and get my mum's razor and try and SHAVE it. Why not? Shaving didn't work, which lead to me sitting shamefaced at the bottom of the stairs for my parents to come home and yell at me, before claiming on insurance and getting the whole hall, living room and dining room refitted with new carpets. Bonus! Why am I not supposed to play with fire again?
(the nightmare of cake, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:20, Reply)

Don't
Run around the house with things sticking out your mouth.

Was in the kitchen (about age 7) playing my recorder with no hands until... I smashed into the kitchen table, recorder end first.

I can still feel the scar at the back of my mouth. Put me off playing recorder for life.
(princess_buttercup, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:20, Reply)

Crowd surfing...
Went to a marilyn manson gig with my mate Irish Cliff. Was rather good but full off the typical gothy types all acting evil, whilst remembering to be home before 11pm. Anyhoo, we thought to liven things up a little bit by attemtping to crowd surf. (I am of a slight build whilst being quite lanky. My mate Irish Cliff is a big stocky bastard with big Doc martin boots and a bald head).

After he pogged me up, I was instantly swimming upon the crowd, fending off the occasional grab at my balls with a well aimed kick in the face (c'mon Goth's love blood)...

I then turned around to see how my mate was doing... All I could see was his legs sticking out of the crowd as he's being dragged around but upside down. It was class! He was in that position for about twenty - thirty seconds, surrounded by a pile of unamused goth types, pissed off at his stray doc martins wildy flailing...

I lost him then after being dumped over the barrier before running off to the back. I later found him to have skid marks on his bald head, his pants and shirt ripped and he lost all his money.
Great days.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 8 May 2006, 13:02, Reply)

oooo, some more!
we were told NOT to have a huge interhouse water fight on our last day of sixth form. we did. we were punished. i was even threatened with being suspended (i kid you not) on my last day.....ever!
also told NOT to drive round the school in a convoy of cars. we didn't. we drove like lunatics around the school field instead!
was told NOT to mess around and piss my chemistry teacher off. i did. i hid under the desk while he went out for five mins, stayed there while he was back while people said i was in the toilet. casually popped up while his back was turned. i got punished when he turned back round.
(CathT, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:58, Reply)

One day, round at my mates house.
There were two of us there. Both being teenage boys, we decided to dare each other to do things.

After we had spent an hour trying (without success) to bypass the lock on his phone, he found a lighter.

Ten minutes later, I found an Aerosol. We decided to combine the two. The flame we created was extremely impressive, but it set fire to his mum's rug, and singed the carpet underneath.

Neither of us were in her good books for a long time.
(Ok, I'll get me coat, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:44, Reply)

Gah
SMOKING IS HIGHLY ADDICTIVE: DO NOT START
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:42, Reply)

Do not hit the customers...
Back in my old job in the video shop. T'was a great job, free vids, popcorn, no other staff to hassle me cos I was the assistant manager and even had a deal going with the pizza guys next door (1 vid for 1 pizza).
It was teh bestest job in the world. Ahhh.

Anyways, the only bane of my job was the customers, especially the teenagers. They would come in just to annoy me. Opening and closing the door (which had an annoying alarm), throw chip cartons inside the shop, come in and knock the empty video cases from the wall...

All in the name of fun.

Well, one day they went too far! They had F*cked me about too many times. I spotted one of the kids* stealing coke from the fridge, whilst another was busy nicking the popcorn, whilst another other kid distracted me by throwing the boxes around the shop...
I just saw red mist.
I grabbed the coke stealing kid by his ear and wrenched him across the shop. Kicked the other little bastard (the vandal) so hard in the arse and balls. Then, grabbed the last kid (as he tried to run off), tripped him up and then dragged him outside the shop by his leg... Much to the amusement of the other local shop owners!

I grabbed the biggest one and pinned him up against the wall and screamed in his face "If you so much as THINK about fucking with me again then I'll cut your weenie little dick off and post it to your family!!!"

From that day, they never so much as thought about coming into my shop again. Leaving me free to watch films, eat pizza and get paid for it.

*Disclaimer: When I say Kid. I mean cocky, cider swilling sixteen year old.

I know this has very little to do with the question. But it was probably in my contract 'to not hit customers'.

Girth/length/blah
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:42, Reply)

Oh yeah...
I was about 14. Off school, sick, and feeling pretty gruesome, my mum leaves me with some painkillers and says take them four-hourly. She meant take one every four hours. I thought she meant take four every hour. I managed eight in two hours before I passed out on the sofa, she found me a few hours later when she got in from work. If I'd managed to stay awake for just another hour I could have done some serious damage to my liver...
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:30, Reply)

Fish Fingers
My dad once cooked himself tea, and opted for a fish finger sandwich.

Instructions on the box: "Place fish fingers on a baking tray with upturned sides". What does my dad do? Puts the fish fingers on the tray... but tries to balance them on their sides, completely misinterpreting the instructions. We never let him live it down...
(insert username here, Mon 8 May 2006, 12:10, Reply)

cooking peas
This happened while at uni, so we're talking young adults in their early 20s. I had my dinner cooking and i was just in the living room, one of my housemates was in the kitchen at the time, so i just shouted to them asking if they could put some peas on for me as i'd forgotten. "sure, no worries"

So, come serving time i head into the kitchen, look at the hob and the peas aren't there.

I accuse the housemate of winding me up and that the meal will now be pealess. He shouts back insisting he put them on.

I open the oven to find evenly spread out over a baking tray are lots of little black balls. haha. he'll never live it down.
(oller, Mon 8 May 2006, 11:40, Reply)