I was cooking Tottenham Hotspur's Sunday lunch
The instructions said to cook the chicken for 40 minutes at gas mark 4, but I was in a bit of a rush so I cooked it for 25 minutes at gas mark 7.

It looked alright.
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Tue 9 May 2006, 22:48, Reply)

I never ignore instructions me...
But the most crap meal I ever had out was in London.
( Nobby's Alter Ego has the ball ache about something or other, Tue 9 May 2006, 22:14, Reply)

Washing instructions for blokes
Gratuitious pearoast:
Click for full instructions.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 9 May 2006, 22:05, Reply)

camping....
back in the days when boys were drunk, and we were boys, we has a dangerous hobby which we liked to persue.

the area in which we camped was pretty much wasteland. till i found tubes of some ceramic substance. (which i recently found out was asbestos) anyhoo,

back to the fun.

we used said tubes as mortars, build a fire and fire huge cans of hair spray hundreds of yards. in one case a dead moor hen. however, this continued till one of my Droogs found a camping gas stove. now this thing was huge. thing the size of say a small telly. an we decided to heave this thing on the fire. much hilarity ensued when my friends went to check on it 10 minutes later as hiding in a hole is for girls, while i was collecting firewood.

CABOOOOM!!

i turn to see my two best mates engulfed in a massive fireball.

this is where i discover in the most lifew threatening circumstances i am useless because i laugh my arse off.

they got off with slightly crispy eyebrows and ear ringing....

girth/length joke insert please.

Ryuken kai - How was our newyears remotely attached to the question :P
(konigsred, Tue 9 May 2006, 22:02, Reply)

You know
these fancy, new tupperware-like containers which can go directly from the freezer to the oven (yep. Normal oven, not the microvawe).
Unfortunately, they look a lot like the older ones, which I used to freeze the home made lasagna leftovers.
So, when I convinced my flatmate that "yes. I'm sure is one of this new-tupperware like containers which can go directly in the oven. I just saw them on sale today", I really believed it.
Thank to my flatmate's skepticism, who checked the oven after 5 minutes, we could rescue the poor lasagna from a lake of molten plastic.
( Your watch is BACK, Tue 9 May 2006, 21:17, Reply)

Nasal Spray
'Do not use for more than seven days'

Used it for about four months continuously (the reason for which was hayfever, not because I like poking things up my nose).

It completely warped my sense of smell to such an extent that I emailed a torrent of abuse to someone on eBay who I'd bought a perfume off as I thought I'd been sent a vile-smelling fake.

This particular one of my vital senses did return to its original state eventually but I still abuse nasal sprays from time to time as I'm a sucker for instant gratification.

When my nose shrivels up and dies I'll be sorry I imagine!
( The Helpful Bear, Tue 9 May 2006, 21:12, Reply)

Fireworks eh?
"Light the blue touch paper and retire" they say! Pfft.

Picture the scene...

Hazy summer evenings, cue an extremely younger frog and his friends messing around in the fields near the village. White Lightening and merriment ensued. It was getting dark so we thought: what could make this better? Rockets!

Had the instructions said "don't snap the stick off, light and lob at your friends, else he'll run full tilt into the steel support cable on a telegraph pole" he might have avoided some interesting scars...

Ahh happy days.

*pop*
(random3886904, Tue 9 May 2006, 21:09, Reply)

SCIENCE!
Stupid girl in my class was working on the same science project as me. I had been cleaning petri whatsits, and was about to start on the tripod. "Has it cooled down?" I asked. "Yes" she said.

Cue sizzling sound as my thumbs and fingers' flesh boil against the hot metal.

We were always told to pay attention in the lab. i think "look up when you point to the tripod, it might be THE WRONG ONE" might come under that.

My brother's friend decided that the best way to check the temperature of the bunsen burner was to stick his face in it. I'm told there was a literal 'whoomph' sound as his eyebrows then hairline went up in flames, before his bright-spark partner put it out with the water that had been boiling above it moments before.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 9 May 2006, 21:06, Reply)

I know is shouldnt....but i will
Every time my mum and dad go away on holiday im left a list of instructions. Every time they do this theese instructions are usually challenged...

Dont use the dog basket as a sledge and go down the stairs on them Cue a fractured hip and the possibilty of old person esque arthritis when im older

Also dont use your body board to surf down the stiars. Cue 4 of my frineds having to go to hospital

Dont subsutitue yor room as a whorehouse for the week....Cue not being able to sit down or piss without a burning sensation for weeks

Dont dye your hair black in the living room with the brand new cream carpets. The insurace refused to cover it

Dont invite every teenager you know round to the house and have a party. We had squatters we couldnt get rid of for ageeeeeeeees and there still finding remanants of the party

Dont let your friends get drunk and suggest they pierce any parts of your body. Septicemia HURTS.

General instructions

When you turn 18 dont take advamntage of people offering you credit cards. Im 20 now and my parents had to bail me out of 3k debt

Dont spent 5th and 6th year at school hammered and fail your exams. Dosnt really matter now cus im a holiday rep in majorcand i have the BEST. JOB.EVER.

Oh, dont smoke, dont drink and stay away from boys. To late Nowwwwwwww

I really should have listened to the, They do
(StrangeKristine, Tue 9 May 2006, 21:05, Reply)

phocodine linctus
"dont drink too much cough syrup it cotains codine" warned my mother this morning.
codine? pah! screw the codine.
i had an exam this morning deciding whether i will be kicked out of accounts and therefore sixth form. i nearly fell asleep and was slightly hallcunating/dreaming
i'm rather screwed
(bryony*niamh kneecaps exist to be hit with clawhammers., Tue 9 May 2006, 20:57, Reply)

Pain? Pleasure? Pain? Pleasure? Umm, which do I like best? Can't decide.
While staying at my mates house I had a shower. I noticed some minty stuff and sniffed it. Lovely I thought, minty shower gel.

After covering myself liberally in said "Shower Gel", including my 'flower', I started to feel a bit tingly - down below.

Said tingliness turned to full on heat and searing pain, but alarmingly, it was quite nice, in a weird kind of way.

Finally read the label and found out it was some shampoo for a weird scalp condition.

Decided I liked the feeling and lathered up again.

Spent a full hour in the shower before hobbling out with a big smile.
(Peelmytangerines, Tue 9 May 2006, 19:44, Reply)

Off to Hull for posting this, but I can't restrain myself any longer...
Not me, but local.

Frist rule of Teacher Club - you don't screw the kids.
Second rule of Teacher Club - you DON'T screw the kids.

Two years.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 9 May 2006, 19:35, Reply)

I see I'm not the only one...
Pro Plus is a remarkable device. Period.

Currently at college I have thoroughly needed it's bodyclock defying magic as I'm going through a stressful end-of-year type time.
However, when I didn't see its more useful properties, I just saw them as instruments of mayhem.

I was round a friends house after a band practise and I had been drinking a considerable quantity of Strongbow and was in no mood for sleeping. Please note at this point that I had a college performance (yes I do performing arts) the next morning and I should have maintained at least a vague level of bodily control.

So there we were, drinking away and watching Paramount Comedy. Happy days...

Then I saw the packet lying innocently on the side and enquired what they actually do.

'Find out' says he.

Finding relative amusement after taking 4, I just thought 'fuck it' and over the course of the next half an hour and bottle of JD, I eventually ended up taking 36.

Utter insanity took it's control and I found the adverts on TV a lot more amusing than the actual comedy - 'No Lassie, I can't save the village! I'm taking a break!'

The only time it went sour was when I attempted to reach the what-must-have-been 15ft high ceiling by only jumping (bear in mind I'm 5ft4), and on failing and landing, I slipped on the duvet that was on the floor and fell straight on my face (underneath the duvet was laminate flooring...). Still, I just got up, laughed and ran around.

Tomx

(P.S - Apologies for length but the real damage would have been done if I had attempted to copulate with anyone. I probably would have missed and ended up penetrating their earlobe...)
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Tue 9 May 2006, 19:31, Reply)

Lanzarote.
Now to pop my b3ta cherry.

"James, Don't touch the cat"
"Giggle"
*touches manky cat.*
*cat bites a young me*
*sob*

I will never touch a cat in lanzarote again.




Bastard.
(Captain Schexxy / MrGreen Is less clever than The Fresh Prince, Tue 9 May 2006, 19:31, Reply)

chemistry
when younger, i had a chemistry set with experiments in stuff. was heating up some stuff in a little metal bowl once, over the cooker rather than the supplied bunsen burner cos i had no fuel.
paying special attention to the warning in the chemistry book "Do not touch, will be hot" (hey it was for kids) i removed the little bowl from the tripod using my tongs ... and then transferred it to my other hand.
took a couple of seconds before i threw it away, much skin hanging off fingers as a result.
(unciebana It's good, but it's not right., Tue 9 May 2006, 19:15, Reply)

Shower Gel
Oddly they don't put this in the instructions:

DO NOT USE AS LUBRICANT

Knocking one off in the shower's all well and good, but never, EVER, use it for a "dry run" and fail to wash it off after. If, like me, you ignore this common sense rule and fall asleep after a satisfying Radox hand shandy, expect to wake up to much peeling and stinging.
ESPECIALLY don't then repeat the following night, as the inevitable pain of rubbing shower gel into open wounds only surfaces well into the act, and can utterly ruin the after-glow.
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Tue 9 May 2006, 18:11, Reply)

the tube #2
"Dogs must be carried on the escalator"

Where the hell am I supposed to find a dog in Walthamstow Central underground at half seven in the morning?
( weebear1974 discovering the joy of cat rape since, Tue 9 May 2006, 17:51, Reply)

Fun with Chemistry
Ignoring the teachers directions, i placed a beaker upon a tripod, only to have it fall through the middle and smash...
...thats right, i was a rebel without a gauze
(spanrah, Tue 9 May 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Reason for not following instructions
When I was young I went to the toliet on my own and was greeted with a sign that said 'wet floor'. I thought it was an instruction and wondered why my Dad was so annoyed when he came in 2 minutes later.

I've not followed instructions since.
(i_am_man, Tue 9 May 2006, 16:35, Reply)

Pink Goo
A few years back when i was 13, a mate of mine came round to my house some time near bonfire night (just after halloween for you yanks) with small tomato sauce style sachets of pink goo, apparantley used to aid lighting bbq's.

Now, the packet said, do not open packet and allow liquid to escape. Only use safely and only for lighting controlled bbq's etc...... whatever.

Our genious idea was this. Lets remove the pink goo from the sachets, infact, lets spread it allover someones doorstep, light it, bang on the door, run away and watch from a distance as the hilarity unfolds with someone trying to stamp out the sticky pink goo with their feet causing trouser fire (and not the good kind). OK, in hindsight, probably not the most sensible and/or mature idea in the world but hey, didnt seem dangerous at the time.

So everything went according to plan, the goo was deployed and aflame, the door was duly banged and we were hidden behind a bush only able to see the top half of the door the way we were crouched. Nobody answered the door, and after about 15 seconds, we could see the flames, few more seconds and the door wasnt a door any more, it was a burning chunk of wood (or upvc, whichever). Hmmm, we guessed nobody was home, ran as far as we could get from the crime scene, and i never dared walk down that street again for fear there would lay a shell of a house (or worse).

Remember this kids, pink goo holds more power than you think, theres a good reason its encased in an uber-safe thin plastic sachet and the 2mm high text warnings saying basically to not try anything that we did
(ShavenLunatic says touch your nose!, Tue 9 May 2006, 16:27, Reply)

Tiramisu
Going shopping for a party with my mum one time in a supermarket.

Finally got to the cake section and i pick up a tiramisu, turn it over and noticed the warning not to turn upside down on the underside.

How was i supposed to know?

You may of heard about it, and i saw it. Yay.

Obligatory length/girth.
(insanegl0ss saw the grass on the pitch..., Tue 9 May 2006, 16:04, Reply)

Varnish
This recollection triggered by the use of "Use in a Well Ventilated Area" in an earlier post...

My Dad used to be involved in the narrowboat business, and one of the crap jobs we had to do over the winter was to reapply varnish to all of the woodwork inside the boats. Now, as anyone who has ever been in a narrowboat will attest, about 90% of everything that's not the windows is wood, including floors and ceiling.

It's also a cold day. And raining. So you don't want the doors open. And muggins here gets £5 for doing it (which was a lot of money in those days).

I was mentally on the ceiling by the end, and was still breathing out varnish fumes a week later.

Mind you, never had any mould or woodworm in my lungs since then, so I guess it worked out for the best...
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Tue 9 May 2006, 16:01, Reply)

Not Now John!
As the Prime Minister of a flailing ex-empire, desperate to assert my name on the world stage, I am constantly ignoring people's instructions for me to step down.
(LunarJim, Tue 9 May 2006, 15:47, Reply)

I love Instructions
They tell you how to do things, and if you already know how to do those things you can proudly say to yourself "i already knew how to do that".
(beebolbod for those that are hard of hearing - LISTEN, Tue 9 May 2006, 15:42, Reply)

Ignore at your peril
Whilst working in IT at a hospital, there was a guy (who shall remain nameless) who looked a lil like Freddie Starr and Einstein combined, but unfortunately DID NOT have the brain of Einstein.
However, i was sitting on the helpdesk just outside the techie office and saw a huge flash and heard a bang. On running into the techie office, i found said guy with his hair standing on end and a printer base open with all the capacitors etc showing. After having laughed my cock off at this, another few techies had joined by this time and so we said, "dont touch them as they still hold a charge, as you've probably noticed"
"Ok" says he.
On returning to the helpdesk, (leaving all the techies still there) about 2 mins goes by and then another flash - bang followed by hysterical laughter. On running back in i found the SAME GUY with his hair on end, face red looking dazed and confused and all the other techies rolling on the floor crying with laughter as (yep you guessed it) he HAD TOUCHED THE CAPACITORS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Dozy bastard shouldn't have ignored our instructions!!!!

ps. on an even lighter note, we printed out a pic of einstein with the stupid guys name under with the warning

DONT TOUCH TEH PRINTERS
Needless to say he saw his arse about that, but he is still ingoring stuff to his peril he he.

First post - ooh im so excited

*POP* long time lurking, but cherry popped now and theres no going back :-(

Woo, yay, length girth etc etc
( BILL DOOR - MOON-MASTER, Tue 9 May 2006, 15:09, Reply)

a joke I made up.

What's big and furry, and climbs up the side of the Empire State Building to protest segregation?

Martin Luther Kong.


Hey, that's got nothing to do with this week's question, he just put it on without reading the instructions...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 9 May 2006, 15:05, Reply)

working in africa
i found out why it was so important not to walk on the grass. i now have no legs
(fwack bang on it, Tue 9 May 2006, 14:59, Reply)

The tube
I also regularly ignore the "keep left" signs when walking through underground stations, and feel guilty about it later. I always mind the gap, however.
(wago, Tue 9 May 2006, 14:18, Reply)

ignored it to my cost
don't fall in love.
(Seismologist Have patience. In time even grass becomes milk., Tue 9 May 2006, 14:17, Reply)

"Pull this"
In one of the physics labs at school there was a box with holes in it and different weights attached to ropes inside - the idea is you pull the ropes and feel the difference between the weights - anyway, it's double physics, late in a hot summer afternoon, our class is acting up and teacher is getting stressed - someone pulls one of the weights and the whole contraption falls over making a massive noise - Teacher blows a fuse "WHY DID YOU DO THAT??" etc etc.

The kid says, "But sir, it says "PULL" on it"

And it did. We spent the rest of the afternoon copying out from the textbook in silence. Great days.
(wago, Tue 9 May 2006, 14:16, Reply)