i might get hurt for this one...
my other half has reasonable complaint with how his parents had him circumcised. He has three brothers, one older, and none of them have had it done - seems the whim took them just for him...

Anyway, he has just cause. The job was a bit of a bodge one, and his poor member has lots of tiny loops of scar tissue which tends to catch on all manner of things. I have been witness to boxer shorts catching, towel fabric and a piece of my hair, which is quite long, once threaded in and out of a few of these. We had fun extracating that...he descibed it as like running cheesewire across gums. Ow.

Still, it functions fantastically well... : )
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 15:00, Reply)

Well it involved rude bits and it bloody hurt!
Not an injury, but surgery to correct a very common birth defect that doesn't get any publicity because it involves 'your rude bits.'

The condition's known as hypospadias and varies in severity. I got off fairly lightly, but the down-side was that they didn't bother to fix it when I was a kid, and I had to start getting urinary infections when I was in my 20's before they did anything about it.

So what do they do? Well it varies, but in my case, it involved slicing my bell-end down the middle, doing a bit of re-plumbing inside and then sewing it back together again. Genital piercing? Pah! That's for wimps (though to be honest, I was out cold when they did it.)

The most painful part was waking up with 'morning wood' with a catheter and stitches in. I was plumbed in for over a week after that.

On my 6 month post-op visit, my surgeon told me it was okay to start having sex again. He'd never told me I couldn't in the first place, and I'd waited less than a month.

Oh and I got to pull out some of the stitches myself because they didn't dissolve properly.
( Horatio P Lemming, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:54, Reply)

kicking balls
Once,me and the boyf were having a nice shower together,trying to work out how to have sex while standing in a slippery shower without falling out. He was sitting in the bath tub,legs outstretched,and I was squatting at the end of the bath. Then one of my feet slipped on the water and i kicked him full on in the balls with all my body weight behind it. Oopsy. I think he's forgotten it now,but i still feel bad!

Also,he is in the habit of biting me nipples so hard they get all dry and scabby. I swear I'll never be able to breast feed.
(Miharu, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:52, Reply)

Shot in the bollocks
It was at the end of a long days battle. We had won most of the skirmishes, but there was one last fight to be faught before the day was was out.

I, with a couple of others from my squad, had a few of the enemy pinned down behind a wooden barricade, and had set up a pretty decent crossfire, to pick them off if they moved even slightly out of cover.

So far so good.

Some others were in similar situations in the same wooded area, and despite my partial cover behind a tree, I wasn't safe from the odd stray shot.

That was my undoing, as an odd stray shot came across field of battle and hit me right in the pods. Left testicle I believe. I dropped like a sack of spuds, and suddenly the rest of the battle was far from my mind. Not fucking funny.
(lardaholics anonymous, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:49, Reply)

Fangs for the memory....
When going to the shower on holiday, don’t do the usual male thing of flinging off your clothes and letting them stay where they land. I did this on one hot evening, I’ll never do it again! Don’t get me wrong, the shower was very refreshing. Putting my boxers on afterwards was not. After finishing my shower I dried off, and walked back to the bedroom picking up items on the way. As it was a warm Greecian evening ( they all were ) I just put on my boxers and relaxed on the bed to read a mag I’d picked up at the airport..
OWWW! The pain in my nether regions was as if someone had grabbed hold of a bunch of hairs and pulled hard, OWWW! Again, another clump of hairs ripped out!
Then the burning sensation kicked in... I jumped up and stepped out of my undies in one smooth chipandaleian move, only to see a small – now dead – spider fall from the crotch of my undies! Checking myself over I found two bite marks on my family jewels, and quickly smothered them with lots of cooling anti-histamine cream. After a run in with a local snake I’d picked up a book on the local wild life, it listed things that could kill you… Examining the remains of my tiny adversary, the book described it as just a 'common' spider.
Anything that bites you there is very Common. I will no longer just dump stuff on the bedroom floor and I’ll now give all clothes a good shake before putting them on. :-(
(DaveP_ssl, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:38, Reply)

Banjo string
Not the normal injury you'd expect but a simple mistake made whilst cooking dinner. Having chopped garlic, onions and chilli's and washed my hands, I strolled to the loo for a pee. You'll all probably know how garlic and chilli really doesn't wash off your fingers straight away. Cue me getting a burning hot chopper and to add insult I had also picked my nose and had my nostril burn for about half an hour. I will point out that I did in fact wash my hands before I went back to the kitchen.
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Not me but.....
Few quick stories:
1. a horde of us were having a round at the local pitch and putt. mostly rubbish golfers obviously. Tom sees Adam step up to the tee and bends over to present his chocolate starfish, happy in the knowledge that there is little chance of the ball going forwards, let alone covering the 40ft to where he stands with any force. Cue a ball straight to the arsehole....

2. Same Adam, flops down heavily on a sofa at a friend's house, only to land an inch away from being buggered by a crotchet hook. As it is it stuck in his arsecheek and he had to be driven to hospital lying on the back seat of a car with arse in the air to have the offending barbed needle removed.

3. This one was me. Took a football to the groin from about 5ft, delivered by the goalie on my own team! obviously I fell to the ground, but the more amusing thing was my mate who could barely speak for laughing as he got a full side on view complete with comedy thwack noise....I had to play in goal for the rest of the match

Length etc.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:31, Reply)

I can't believe...
...that no-one's posted the story about the rugby player dislocating his hip yet!
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 14:10, Reply)

lady ow
a girl I know who borders on OCD, late one night woke up sweating that there were too many germs in the bathroom. Wearing only a tshirt, she got up, pulled on her marigolds, and got to work. She sprinkled the bath with bleach powder, scrubbed the loo and sink, washed the floor and wiped the tiles.
Tired, she sat on the edge of the bathtub, and started to drop off. After a while, she noticed her privates were getting sort of hot. Then kind of itchy. Then searing with excrutiating pain....
Daft cow had sat on the bleach, burnt her arse and bits, and was now sporting a rather fetching blonde stripe across her dark muff hair.
Classy.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:55, Reply)

worst things that have happened to my bits mostly happened when I was failing to give birth to my first baby
I'd gone overdue so I was taken in to be induced. by the third day they figured out that the reason I was screaming in pain every time they did an internal exam to see if I was dilating yet was that I am allergic to latex. with vinyl gloves they discovered I was still only 1cm dilated (and that was from a 6'5 doctor with HUGE hands sticking his finger into my cervix and twisting it) so they decided to break my waters. As that's not usually done until at least 3cm dilation, I was given gas and air because IT FUCKING HURT! It was a walk in the park though compared to about nine hours later having to have an electronic monitor attached to my daughter's head through the 1cm gap. It took about 45 minutes and I passed out several times from the pain.

In the end I had an emergency caesarean, so all that pain and blood was for nothing.
( Jadeviper was still alive on, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Ooooh, an inch either way!
Aside from some friction burns and some sport related groinal impacts (who knew that tiddleywinks could be so nasty?) my rude bits have not suffered too much (touch wood).

A family friend had a bollock-tingelingy awful experience that makes me wince to this day. He was standing on a kitchen chair to change a lightbulb (fully clothed, it's not that kind of story). Without warning the chair collapses beneath him and he gets several inches of splintery chair leg in the barse/notcher/biffin bridge/taint/badlands/scruttocks (thanks to Roger's Profanisaurus for many of those). It took ages to heal up and the doctors had to revisit it several weeks later to remove a previously undiscovered splinter, after which I'm told it healed up a treat. Now it just serves as a cautionary tale about changing lightbulbs without suitable safety equipment, (presumably including a pair of steel underpants).
(flimflam_machine, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:38, Reply)

Rugby cock trauma
ON one particularly drunken rugby tour I was on some years ago, a guy from the opposition started the drinking games with the traditional "against the clock" downing pints shenanigans. This had a twist however as he proceeded to whip out his chap, produced a box of matches and poked a match into his japs eye, just a little way in mind. On the count of three, he would start downing the pint and at the same time his teammate lit the match and he had to down the pint before he burnt his helmet. He lost. And you could hear his screams from several counties away. The thought of the blackedned helmet makes me clench to this very day.
( Normanator Bad case of trapped wind since, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:33, Reply)

Ouch
This storey makes me cringe everytime i think about it, it was back when i was 14 when i attended my first house party. I got severly pissed (i never drunk that much at that age!) and proceeded to chat up girls.

Now... i found one which was quite attractive, and quite pissed to match (just like me!). I began talking to her and told me her name was Tiffany. I thought it was fuckin ace that i was pulling girls while mashed on jack daniels. We talked utter drivel for about half an hour, then she promted me to go upstairs with her for a shag (my german helmet almost shot up and knocked her head off).

I walked upstairs away from the crowd into a bedroom with a lock on the door which was quite convenient. Skip forward a few mintues and im banging her like a rabbit on ecstacy in the middle of mating season. I thought it was the best thing ever.... Now here comes the best bit (no she wasn't really a man).

She said she had a really great time but before she goes, she said she will give me a blow job. I was amazed, all this in my first house party, awesome! Away she goes on my pink nazi trooper, i lie back on the bed and close my eyes while shes at it.

Suddenly, "bite" the stupid bitch bite my knob! I ran around bleeding all over the room and i passed out, got taken into hostpital and had a very popular jewish operation due to the damage.

A couple of weeks later i met her again and she asked if i was ok... i told her that i may never look at a blow job the same way again because of her, then i told her to go die in a fire. She laughed at this seemed to enjoy it!
Moral of this tale is... girls are evil.

Sorry for length, (no not my knob, the length is ok)
(BigStraightAl, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:31, Reply)

School trip
On a school trip to Wales, a lad who was a couple of years above me (and one half of a set of identical twins) managed to catch his foreskin in his jeans fly. Frantically trying to free it, he only tangled it more in the metal teeth. Hugely embarrassed at the situation and sharing a dorm with 25 other boys, he kept his jeans on for a further five days, even sleeping in them, until a teacher noticed that he was walking with a serious limp. Unable to free his little chap, the teacher drove him to A&E, where he was duly circumcised. Of course the whole school found out about it within a few days, and as people joked, him and his brother definitely weren't identical any more.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:30, Reply)

misteroz (with added handlebars)
misteroz... "fooling round with my cousin a few month previously" - c'mon, you missed half the story there!

I seem to be one of the few that didn't manage to suffer any lasting damage from good old Raleigh Chopper gear changer and bollock liaisons. However...

On upgrading to a full sized frame "big boys" mountain bike which everyone hoped that I'd grow into at some point, I took great delight in trying to perform some of the kerb hop (etc) antics that my BMX had been only too willing to accommodate. One fateful night, I rode up onto the pavement and the front wheel just disappeared from under me, skidding nicely into a lamp post. The large, and incredibly solid piece of metal that the handlebars are bolted into that sits in the middle near the frame - very handily around testicles placement and height for a 12 year old who has just hit 250kg of non-moving lamp post - connected. There was no 15 second grace period that you get when you slice off half a finger or break a bone. Oh no, I couldn't physically move for a good few minutes. When I did manage to finally get up, what had I skidded on? A banana skin. A FUCKING BANANA SKIN. I thought that only happened in cartoons?!! I limp home, past several neighbours who asked if I was ok (I was unable to answer them - one assumed I had been hit by a car), I managed to find my mother and then couldn't actually talk to tell her what had happened so managed by some pointing and gestures. Closer internal inspection (maternal, I hadn't dared look) proved that I had a willy that ranged from the dark red, through maroon and black parts of the spectrum. Thank god this was many years before digital cameras came to hand so easily else I'd have the pictures to prove it.

I was placed in bed, absolutely white and still unable to talk.

I'd love to say the story ended there - but as any of my fellow posters who have experienced a similar fate will know, it doesn't. An hour or so later, the pint or so of coke I'd drank earlier wanted to make an appearance with a vengeance. Having taken five minutes to limp to the toilet, I found my voice had returned along with a substantial amount of tears as Mr Wee Wee coming out of Mr Japper felt like an industrial soldering iron going in. I have never felt pain like it and hope to never again.

I was most disappointed that the "new" Raleigh Chopper has a pathetically safe handlebar gear changer - it removes the danger and fun element of the damn thing!

And on another note, how come everyone else's g/f on here seems to be happy to have a spot of the old bum love? It's not fair... :-)
( dan j the filthy bastard, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:26, Reply)

A couple of stories...
Story 1 : The missus and I were in full flow.. doggy.. I came out too far and didn't hit the right spot on re-entry... First time we both had anal.... she screamed, I didn't.

Story 2 : Had a Vasectomy. Over and done with in 30 minutes. Went to pub for a couple of beers because I didn't think she'd believe me. For any wimps out there... Absolutely no problems/pain!!!

Story 3 : Reversal next Thursday... Now that could be painful...
(bof, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:18, Reply)

concrete enema
Gimpo made a film that was shown at the Portobello Film Festival (cant remember the year) featuring my mate Dragan getting a concrete enema

sadly i am unable to find a copy of the video on line

the subtitle might have been something like "shitting bricks"
(moogster, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:14, Reply)

Barb wire hurts
When My mother was a teenager there was an adventure playground near where she lived.

Mother and a few friends decided to go there after hours and have a party inside, the only problem was that the gates were shut and the 8 foot fences were covered in barb wire.

so they start to go over one by one (they have already had a few before) eventually there is only one of my uncles friends left to come over.

As he got to the top he wobbled and steadied himself at which point he starts to wave at the guys below. He promptly slips and starts to fall headfirst but is suddenly stopped. as he looks up the barb wire had ripped through his jeans and ripped open is scrote which was now suspending him in the air.

I never did hear what happened to him afterwards, My mother and Uncle never speak about it now.
(THE_TRUFFLE_PIG, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:13, Reply)

Gat Guns
Years ago now, some friends and I had a Gat gun, you know the air pistol where you pushed the barrel in to load the air, pull the trigger and the barrel flies out like a bullet from a gun. Well we were loading it with rolled up wet tissue and shooting each other. This was all taking place in my house. We all ganged up on this guy and he dived under a duvet, where upon I thrust my hand under and pulled the trigger. Cue shout of pain, much laughter from us and then we hear the wimpering sob's coming from under the duvet, pull back the duvet, and see our mate in what can only be described as absolute pain. In fact hospital job. I had thrust the pistol right up to his nuts and pulled the trigger. Piston 5 inches long at forty miles an hour in the gonnads. Poor bugger
(Globalnote, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 13:00, Reply)

When I were but a lad...
I had the misfortune of starting puberty at about nine, and my best friend reliably informed me that you only grew pubes after having had sex.

I, who had been fooling round with my cousin a few month previously, was shit-scared my parents would find out so I took a pair of scissors to my groin and inadvertantly snipped my nutsack.

Apologies for prolonged use of bathroom and reams of bloodied toilet paper.

UPDATED: For the benefit of DanJ, there was some rubbing of glans on slamhole but no technical penetration.
(misteroz, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 12:28, Reply)

I bruised by arse for a month.
I was walking down the road when I saw some friends of mine, at the same time I saw another set of friends of mine and I ran backwards while talking to them - trying to catch up with my other friends. Banging into a set of stairs and doing a 360 degree flip over them and landing on my arse. My left buttcheek for a whole month was just a bruise, God that hurt.
(iamgoingtohell, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 12:21, Reply)

BMX Bum Rape
1982. I was 11. Woolworth's finest BMX, the Scorcher was my wheels and it looked good. Chrome body, silver pattern, blue mag wheels and a blue seat. A long, hard, pointy blue seat...

My mates had grifters and old choppers and improvised racers with bull horn handlebars. My bike rocked by comparison. Off we went to the local building site where some raised manhole covers made good jumps.

All was going well until I landed front wheel first. I went forward over the handlebars and performed a very elegant handstand. The BMX though continued on its path to glory and the seat (that one, the long, blue, hard one) found a handstanding young boy's bottom hole just too much to resist and entered with some force.

Apparently, the sight of an 11 year old unable to move from the handstand position and screaming for a bike to be removed from his bottom was a sight to behold.
(Gusofnavarone always makes a map of france from sarnies, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 12:18, Reply)

New balls please...
The most pain i have ever experienced in my life was playing tennis with my mates - dan and danny. thats right. I was taking the piss out of dan's serve cause we were all a bit shit - so he goes for an ace but hits me square in the nads. I'm talking bulls-eye flick-o-rama - a bit like that thing rocky punches about a million times in those montages. Picture that but without sly stallone and include a big scrote (if there's a difference). Cue me rolling around on the floor thinking i was gonna pass out.
(injoesgarage, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 12:17, Reply)

My plumb bob
As a 13 year old lad embarking on my mastubatory career I decided one day to tie the plumb bob I had made on the lathe at Manual Arts around the part of my circumcised penis known as the sulcus whilst looking at my shoplifted black and white magazine of naked ladies. The nylon string and hangmans knot made for a most uncomfortable experience, breaking the skin, causing bleeding and put me off masturbation activities for 4 days, my longest stint off the tonk in my glorious and fulfilling career. Alas the plumb bob whilst swinging freely was not both vertical and perpendicular to any level plane through which it passed as I had drilled the hole at the top off centre.
(rodgerroop, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:59, Reply)

i'm not very happy about this
This isn't mine, but "a friend swears it's true" etc - it's probably worth posting because of the utter living hell it suggests, even if it IS made up.

A bunch of mates are tripping on LSD. One climbs a tree and sits on the end of a steep branch. His mates below scatter as a random car crashes into the trunk, causing monkey-boy to slide down the branch so hard and fast the friction removes his jeans, underwear, and scrotal sac.

Monkey-boy sits atop the tree, tripping his mind out, holding his freed testes in his hand. I imagine sobbing.

And now the best bit...

His mates run off.
(undemanding, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:57, Reply)

Urban Legends?
I used to know a lot of nurses and all of them had some sort of patient with a thing-up-the bum tale to tell.

Common are various vegetables, classic coke bottles, vacuum cleaner attachments and deodorant bottles (considering where they're shoving it seems like a good idea...)

Less common is concrete -

www.well.com/~cynsa/cement.html

I'm still bewildered as to what the guy was trying to achieve by filling his arse with concrete. Cure for bad diarrhoea?

Cheers

"He ain't heavy, he's my bottom...."
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:33, Reply)

Bum sexing!
A while ago,a few friends and I were out drinking,and Id been showing off (being the only girl amongst a few guys means I need to prove myself a bit) so basically,I was pretty drunk.

My boyfriend was talking about a secret he couldnt tell any of us,not even me,so I was a bit offended. In my infinate wisdom I said "If
you tell me I'll let you do me in the bum". Boyf said "What,right here?" "Yep" I say. So we all procede to a public loo. We all bundle in,I get my skirt up,and he plunges it in. I scream,cry,and hobble around the cubicle clutching my arsehole. Everyone laughs. I feel very silly.

He never told me the secret either.
(Miharu, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:16, Reply)

maggied
No you didn't.

Ricky Gervais tells that particular story better.
(snopesthetruth, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:10, Reply)

terrible 'accident'
Didn't happen to me but I paid a medical claim for a man who 'fell' on a cucumber once. Which prompted me to pend the claim for accident details. (Cause hey - I was bored at work and I just HAD to see the explanation). The claim came back in with 'accident details' to the effect of: The guy went grocery shopping, and put his groceries on the kitchen counter. Then he set about making himself some tea - and spilled water on the floor in the process. While he waited for the water to boil - he decided a hot bath sounded nice. So he stripped down and got ready for his bath. The tea kettle started to whistle so he ran for the kitchen, slipped on the water puddle he'd neglected to wipe up and accidently knocked the grocery bag onto the floor. He then opined that he must have fell on the cucumber JUST RIGHT,(which sounds realistic to me). Come on, guys. Let he who hasn’t accidentally sat on a nine-inch unwrapped cucumber causing it to become deeply embedded in his poop chute, cast
the first stone.
(maggied Riding the Gravy Train on, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:05, Reply)

The Holy Grail of damaged rudebits
We were out on the local field where we had made some huge BMX jumps out of a pile of mud that appeared randomly one day, and the token "im-better-than-everyone-here-and-know-it" guy drags his bike up to the top of the run and calls for everyone to watch as he is blatently better than everyone and they should all learn something from his Uberskills. so he begins his descent, hits the first jump going full tilt launches into the air with some impressive height and dissapears out of view behind the landing followed by several unrepeatable profanities so everyone bursts out laughing as the cocky cunt stacked it and runs over to survey the cuts and grazes to find him rolling around on the floor crying and holding his bollocks, this we found even more funny, then we spotted the blood a nice slowly spreading red patch on his beige cargos eminating from his hands. turns out not only had he split his sack and dropped the ball (so to speak) but he was so scared to lose his bollocks he'd managed to leave a handshaped bruise on his member.

Divine retribution in scrotal form
(VampyricAcid Well...somebody had to do it¬, Tue 18 Jul 2006, 11:05, Reply)