Ah lube!
Decided once, in a rare moment of intimacy with now Ex Mrs Moondust, to use a bit of baby oil. Except we had run out, so I used Oilatum Extra Strong.

This is a particularly oily substance for pouring into baths, JUST A CAP FULL mind, to help reduce the effects of Psorisis or other flakey skin conditions. To which is does give dire warnings about "no undiluted use".

What a HANDFUL does to your knob is strip the skin off and leaves it feeling like you have had bleach poured on it, and your bawsack glow in the dark for days.
(moondust, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 9:57, Reply)

K-Y Jelly is good.
Baby oil is so-so. Sport massage oil, though, burns like FECK.

No wonder those athletes run so fast.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 9:39, Reply)

"blood cut off by condom"
aledgedly well-hung boy has purple bell-end due to strangulation by condom? hahha... well, yes, but if you only have to roll it 2" down your dick, that's hardly surprising.

Same kinda guy who says "I can't wear condoms, they're too small for me" I love it when people spout that line of shit... It's a good excuse to stretch a condom over my HEAD and say "Goodness... I'm surprised you can even walk: Your dick must be bigger than your head!!
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 21 Jul 2006, 9:15, Reply)

Constantly
but I like that sort of thing.
(dwf_II, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 5:27, Reply)

Itchty Nads? not like this
Must of been a year or two back i remember me and my mate were doing some bulding work on my old house as a 'chore' for my dad, must have been 18/19 at the time. My mate stayed at mine one night and i woke up real early (im a bit of a early bird) around 7am and i thought it would be funny to get a nice tile sized piece of wall insulator (the nasty , itchty , fiberglass stuff) and rub it into his balls.

I lifted the bed cover and slipped the insulating into his boxers and proceeding rubbing it in nice and soft into his groin (no im not gay and no , i didnt enjoy doing this but the outcome was well worth it). He woke up n hour or so later and i heared a rather loud 'you son of a bitch , im gonna kill you!'

he ungratefully showed me his balls and they looked redder than a freshly washed pair of cherries. Poor Git must have used 3 tubs of SudoCrém in a week just to stop the itching.
(Chaotic RagorA Whatever i type here makes me sound stupid :S, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 2:20, Reply)

Ps
I slipped down a tree and caught me knackers on a shard protruding branch.
Hence bits out being examined by parents in the back of the car a few mins later.
Bit of blood on the winky :(
Thank feck I was 7.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 1:06, Reply)

manbearpig
Why didn't you get it sewn up you muppet you?
Packing the wound is an evil method. Mind you I have a nice ridge of dodgy scar at the top of my crack now.
By the way... did you know if you get one then you're susceptible for the rest of your days? :)
I live in fear. And the other day I thought I had a new one *shudder*
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 1:05, Reply)

Childbirth
Now THAT hurt.

Hammer of Justice, I believe you were told that Kidney Stones are worst pain because you'll never experience childbirth.

Childbirth doesn't only hurt while its happening, but hours before it and weeks after it
(up_and_down, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 0:47, Reply)

Escalator calamity
It was great to slide down the centres of the escalators in Liverpool Central station - they were long, brushed aluminium - and very fast. The ideal end to a night of £10 teenage drinking.
However, the bastards put SPIKES down the centre - the result? Next morning discovering my underpants full of blood.
I did try it again the next week though, and had the same injuries again.
(Nibi, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 0:14, Reply)

manbearpig
Blimey, thats a rather nasty gash you've got there. The scary thing is, it looks JUST like a stinky, puss filled minge. Believe me, i know a stinky puss filled minge when i see one ;)
(Nyphur, Fri 21 Jul 2006, 0:10, Reply)

pilonidal sinus
...bring them on, they're great! I hid mine for ages and ended up having to do sit-ups on a towel because so much...stuff came out whenever i put any pressure on it. Marvellous days.
(spangledonkey I've got a mouse. His name is Gerald., Thu 20 Jul 2006, 23:56, Reply)

Arse Pain
In the good old days when we had the bath in the kitchen (fuck knows - we were poor) my mother had timed a goodly roast to coincide with my getting out of the bath.

She opened the oven door to take the bird out and in my youthful stupidity thought i'd take the opportunity to sit on the nice warm door (it opened top down).

It fucking hurt. for ages.
(beebolbod for those that are hard of hearing - LISTEN, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 22:08, Reply)

Not me, but I did wince
This, as you can tell, is the story of someone else's (self inflicted) genital adventure. It is also the story of how I saw my first vagina. Excuse me if at any point this starts sounding like underage lesbian porn.

At the tender age of fourteen, I discovered that I could get served in the skanky alternative pub in the town near where I grew up. I say 'pub', the place was called Cellar Bar, and was indeed a bar in a cellar. A damp one. Sometimes with rats. Nevertheless, you avoided the chavs, the music was good and the shots were £1 each. Also, the barstaff were lax about IDing their patrons, since half the bar were 16 year old goths. Anyway, I was relatively innocent, and also at that stage where my friends were all getting belly button piercings. In the ladies, I remember asking a stranger what she thought about them, given my unpopular opinion that were tacky. The stranger was a gothy looking girl, fairly pretty, and would a few years later probably have inspired some more serious flirtation on my part. At this point, though, she just grinned at my innocent little face, and asked if I wanted to see her piercings. Sure, why not?

Still grinning the grin of one who is about to provide a lasting mental image, she sat elegantly on the sink in front of me, parted her legs and lifted her skirt to show me her two matching rows of labial rings, five in each lip.

Which were carefully laced up with a shiny black ribbon.
(That's Just Not Funny, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 21:24, Reply)

"Sit like a froggy..."
When I was little I was getting all sorts of bladder infections and had trouble holding my wee for any length of time. Mom took me to doctors to find the trouble, and finally one wanted to do an ultrasound and some other sort of scan to see what the deal was.

I was about five years old at the time. I still remember this clearly. I was dressed in a hospital gown with no panties, on my back, on a cold table. One nurse lady was being very nice to me, telling me what they were going to do ("We'll take a picture of your insides! It won't hurt, I promise."). She said first they needed to see if I could sit like a froggy would, with my legs apart and bent. I did so, thinking in my five-year-old mind how proud she would be of me for imitating a froggy so well.

Next thing I know there's this awful burning, stinging sensation in my nethers. I screamed and tried to push it away, but the "nice" lady held my arms down. No one told me they would have to give me a catheter for a simple scan. Biotch.

Turns out I had a shortened urethra, which I grew into. Or it grew into me. Or whatever. But it still hurt like freck.
(NuclearMosquito, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 20:51, Reply)

bloody trolleys...
when i was about 7-8, i always used to go down to the roughest part of my town (cos it had the biggest hill) and go sledging in the winter, i say it was rough as there was always cans, trolleys and smashed bottles on that hill, it was also very, VERY uneven.

so one snowy year, "ooh, lets go sledging", sledge hits a can of beer, topples, i fly out and my croth get trapped between an old couch and a very pointy trolley...

you can only imagine what happens next

P.S. if you have any doubts about this, ladies especially can check the 2-inch scar and the tip of my foreskin...
(the cactus kid- what a prick..., Thu 20 Jul 2006, 20:22, Reply)

I dont like to brag...
but im not exactly small...you know..."down there".
And my girlfriend at the time was a rather petite lady.
Suffice it to say, after spending a good 30 minutes (!) on the instroke, I was left with a vividly purple john thomas, due to the blood being cut off by the condom, and cramp in both my arms from holding myself up for that length of time...

It didn't last long...

length - so-so, girth -LEGENDARY!!!
( Mr.Ons knows you can hear him, Earthmen., Thu 20 Jul 2006, 20:20, Reply)

Ouch.
A few months back, I got a phone call from an old friend of mine. As I'd not heard from him in quite a while, I was quite pleased to hear him, but he didn't seem quite as enthusiastic. After the typical catching-up chat, I found out why.

He told me that he'd snapped his banjo string whilst having sex with someone that most definitely was not his girlfriend.

I was suitably sympathetic, although I had to apply considerable effort not to burst out laughing as he described how he'd passed out from the pain in a pool of blood and semen.

Anyway, about a month passed, and I got a call from him again. I inquired as to whether his tackle had healed up okay and he told me that it had, but there was now a new problem.

He'd done it again. With the same girl.

I couldn't hold the laughter in this time. Once I'd calmed down I told him that it probably wasn't normal for this to happen twice in the space of a month, and that he should pack himself off to a doctor, but he insisted that that wasn't necessary and that he'd be fine. I guess he was right though, because as far as I know it's not happened again.

Karmic retribution for cheating? Possibly.
(Frank Snow, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 20:16, Reply)

not me, but a mate had his nipple pierced
He's one of these peeps who likes to show how hard and manly he is in the oddest of situations, this time however it was with the tattooist who was piercing him. He was given the anastetic (or however you spell it, fuck off I'm ill) and he had the needle rammed through his nipple. In fairness, Jason didn't even flinch. Not even when the needle jammed halfway in, and the guy had to fucking ram his way through to the other side.

The tattooist looks at me as if to say "wtf?", takes his money and we leave.

2 steps outside Jason shook the windows with his screams, and cried all the way home. Not so fucking hard now, aren't we?
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 20:00, Reply)

boobies
so, im on holiday when i get stung by a mosquito right next to my nipple. it was very itchy and one night i scratched it so much it swelled up.
i have very bad reactions to bites, so it swelled up quite a bit. so, the next day, one of my boobs was noticably bigger than the other when i sunbathed on the beach in my bikini. so i got some very interesting looks.
(leftehhhh, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 19:49, Reply)

Last one this week, I promise
Just got nipple pierced in January, a month or two later it wasn't too tender anymore, but still needed to be looked after.
I don't really look after things when I'm drunk. In fact I'm quite a careless twat. And when I'm trying to pull off my lace bra, and wonder why it won't come off, I don't sit and think about it and link it to the piercing, I just yank and yank (haha).

Next morning, when my nervous system woke up, and I noticed that my lacy bra was on the floor with a sizeable tear in it, I finally stopped to think about the piercing (which wasn't difficult as it was hurting like a twat). And my friend was sleeping over so I couldn't do much about it until she'd gone home.

Bah.
( Kittenpants, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 19:12, Reply)

Liftoff!
In elementary school, when I was a boy of 12, one of my friends was a huge boy named Michael. He ate too much, and his parents fed him too much, but it was in his genes as well (his parents were both enormous), so he was quite strong, too.

The kid everyone used to pick on around that time was named Steven. He was a scrawny blond-hair-and-freckles guy, with a bit of an attitude and a knack for getting himself in trouble.

So one day after school, Michael is making fun of Steven's Star Wars shirt (beleive me, I was on Steven's side, that shirt was awesome! It even had tie-dye!!) so Steven finally broke down and started running at Michael.

In one swift motion, Michaels leg met soundly with Steven's groin, and like a train through a tractor, Steven had no chance for survival. Michael's sheer mass, (and Steven's lack of) caused him to literally be picked up, both feet off the ground, and dumped on his side, clutching his crotch and crying loudly.

I was stunned... but I couldn't help but laugh at the amazing display of physics I'd just witnessed.

Apologies for length.. but it's my first time, baby!
(Zoidberg Jr - Food, you say?, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 19:03, Reply)

some girl my sister knows
was riding her bike down a hill, fell off, and split her minge open on the crossbar. she had to have the whole surgery and stitches thing, and was walking like john wayne for a month or two :D priceless, to a bunch of 14 year old girls anyway..
(reisu has a man on a ladder fetish, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 19:01, Reply)

Kidney stones
A while back (about 1 1/2 years ago) I had a bout of renal colic (Kidney stones) they decided that they had to get them out as they weren't moving.
I get knocked out for the op and wake up to discomfort between my legs.
I eventually work up the nerve to go for a pee and was glad I was sat down. (It burns like hell)
when they did the op they left a stent in my pipes and it had to be removed a few weeks later.
I go back to the hospital to get it removed and its day surgery so I know I am not going to be knocked out this time.
They advise me that I will have local anesthetic (*sp) what they didn't tell me was that its in the gel they put on the end of the instrument/camera they put up my 3rd eye...
The nurse said i turned a lovely shade of white/grey when he went in and removed it.
I then had the peeing blood thing again afterwards.
no appologies for length
( Plomien is Polish for flame, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 18:35, Reply)

Happened yesterday.
In England at the moment the heat is ungodly at the moment, so I have a fan on during the night, and sleep naked.

Now, my fan does not have a front cover since it got broken off during a session of bedroom acrobats, thus I need to be careful around it.

So I wake up yesterday morning with a raging morning wood, and slide, half asleep past the fan, and get my woody caught in the fans blades.

I have a huge gash in my cock and my bellend is really sore right now >.<
( B.T., Thu 20 Jul 2006, 17:32, Reply)

"Boob tap"
is a game my sister and I play, the object of which is to punch each other in the tits as hard as possible. The element of surprise is key.

Have also accidentally poonjabbed myself.
(Jerkface, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 17:25, Reply)

When I was about 7
I was in my roller-skates, being towed along the road by my friend on her bike.

She slammed on the brakes without warning, my tender young ladybits hit the rear parcel thingy on the bike (was a bit old-fashioned - this was 1983-ish..) and I fell to the floor screaming in agony.

I got carried home by my Dad, and had to lie with my legs spread & over the arm of the sofa whilst my Dad & my brothers were banished from the front room so that my mum could inspect me for any damage - just bruising and luckily nothing long-term!

Still hurts to think about it.....!
(ricky_darkholer is blonde on the inside, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 16:59, Reply)

Buggered up bits
AS As any male i have had the usual hit in the nads by ppl people who think its it's funny.

AS As well, on hols, i was playing sum some basket ball arcade thingy and was stood too close when one of the balls rebounded over the cage and hit me in the nads- the gf girlfriend laughed- bitch!

Also - once having sex, felt slight burning sensation but carried on til i (and the gf girlfriend ;) ) had done- fortunately i was using the withdrawal method as the burning was actually the inside of my cock tearing slightly hence me cumming blood spunk! nice! stung for a bit and i thought i would never use it agen again but it was ok after a bit- bled like a bitch tho though!! Was at that point the gf girlfriend sed said she doesnt do blood- hence quite good i was doing her from behind and caught it!

mod: no text speak, please
(Keyser Soze, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 16:39, Reply)

I've been reading these answers all week...
...and cracking up at loads of them, only to think "I wish I had something better than my lame-o chilli cock story".

And then last night during a cool refreshing shower I got soap up my japseye. It stings mightily, and so does the next piss.

That's all. Still not the best, is it? And my vasectomy was trouble free too - no pain, and being told by the doctor to go home and have as many wanks as I could*

* - Well that's not quite what he said, but I'm sure that's what he meant...
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 16:25, Reply)

cocking hell!
erm.... two stories - neither of which are particularly unique or interesting, but hey that's what b3ta postings are all about innit??? i once got kicked in the cock whan about 11, ran off crying (understandably) and thought no more til it was time to get changed for gym... then i spotted the blood on my mustard-yellow y-fronts (how sexy??) and my poor dinkle was weeping blood tears from it's foreskin - i still have the scar and will send a pic if you vote for this story!

2nd tale is footie related and again kind of dull unless you were there..... playing in goal, striker breaks through and blasts ball goal-bound - i heroically (and accidentally) save the ball with my bags of steel, i clutch the bags and spin around as the ball rebounds to the striker, he blasts the ball right at my arse and it flies clear... double damage but no goal and no lasting damage to buttocks or ball-bags! yay.... apologies for length - the tale, not the scar
( sir loafalot ended an eon of lurking on, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 15:13, Reply)

When I was about fifteen
(so fourteen years ago), I went on the piss in Exeter with some friends. During the night, in which we hung out under the shelter of the old fish market vandalising the old and unique boat which used to be there, playfights took place and I got kicked in the nuts. When I got back to where I was staying, I found that despite the alcohol, I couldn't lie down in ANY position that put the slightest pressure on them. After an uncomfortable journey home, the next day, I nearly shat myself to discover that the left pod had turned what can only be called 'black grape' colour! I couldn't lie on my front for nearly a week.
( The Togaboy The world will end on, Thu 20 Jul 2006, 14:24, Reply)