Drunken Ebay…

The purchase of ‘Beerlooms’ has been a regular ‘tennis bat up my cack pipe’ for years now. I have spaffed many a penny on pointless trinkets just because it ‘seemed like a good idea at the time’ – and that time being when I am copiously piss-tarded

One occasion that leaps to mind was ‘the headphone incident’.

The main PC in my house is now situated in the corner of my dining room adjacent to the lounge. I used to have it in my office, but the present Mrs Twisty Cheeky insisted I move it because, as she put it, I was ‘turning into a wankish, Gollum-like hermit-esque twat wallop’ and she was fed up with never seeing me.

So like the bitch slapped obedient little fuck-knuckle that I am, I duly set up a work station downstairs, and had to put up with the wife and bloody kids legging it about like Panzer tanks on poppers, disrupting my work and putting the unwelcome kybosh on my previously illustrious and fruitful pr0n watching career.

In the enforced absence of such erotic visual delights, I tried to seek solace, stimulus and solitude in an alternative format. Music.

Until one sprightly evening, when I was struggling to listen to a few bangin’ choons over the conflicting blaring sounds of Lazytown* DVDs and Goddamm 'Diagnosis: Murder'. I then decided ‘enough was enough’...

I needed to buy some headphones.

To prepare for this life-changing decision I did the dutiful thing and got reekingly and royally cunted on fine ciderish goodness. I then locked my fingers together, gave them a satisfying yet slightly arthritic ‘crack’ and set about the arduous task of t’interwebz shopping.

As I browsed the pages of Ebay I was swamped by choice. There were headphones, headphones fucking everywhere. But what make? Sennheiser? Bose? Should I have closed back? Bass Boost? I didn’t want to spend too much and didn’t have a fucking Scooby what I was doing…so I cleverly decided to drink a bit more to aid my judgment…then I saw them before me, like manna from the gods…

Cordless.fucking.headphones. Surely the greatest single invention In the history of the world.evah.

'Get in there!' I thought to myself – I had been enlightened. Music and movement. This was what I craved. I didn’t want to be tied down with your peasant-type, nampy-pamby ‘wired’ headphones like some common cuntcake – I yearned for, nay demanded, infra-red glory!

There were about a hundred of these items being sold, one at a time, five minutes apart. I hurtled to the ‘bid’ button like a lumbering hippopotamus following a failed attempt at balancing on an upside down greased ice skate. Being pissed, but still slightly rational at this point, I considered twenty quid to be the maximum I would bid. There were no ‘buy it now’ offers, but nobody else seemed interested anyway – the naieve, maladjusted nincompoops! – They were all going to miss out, and in just a few short hours this technological marvel was going to be mine!

But then it started…achingly…the paranoia began to creep in. What if the rest of the world was just lying in wait…waiting for the moment to strike as soon as I climbed into bed? What if I got outbid when I was slumbering away, oblivious to my life’s dream slipping from my clammy grasp? My hopes could be shattered for the possible sake of a penny? The sanctimonious fuckers! I would not let this happen!

I hardly had time to finish my next three cans before I had completely caved to my fears, and convinced myself that I was definitely going to lose the precious bounty. Simply 'bidding more' never occured to me...I had to construct a cuntingly cunning contingency plan that would thwart the most hardy of Ebay sniper in his efforts to deprive me of what was rightfully mine…

Fiendish in its simplicity, my idea was to pop another bid in for the next set of headphones on the list, thusly when I was outbid on the first pair, I would be front-runner to buy the next. Flawless. Genius. Nothing could go wrong. Victory would be assured!

But then I considered again…what if there were two crafty people in the world with the same idea, that they had already considered this alternative action to snatch my wonderous goods from my grasp? I could not allow such a travesty to occur.

So I put another £20 on the next set on the list…and thought again…

By 2am I could barely stand, yet managed to stumble to bed…safe in the knowledge that I had covered all available angles. My work was done. All I had to do was wait…

The next morning I awoke with a munterrific hangover and the feeling that Satan himself must have crimped off a particularly chunky brown loaf into my mouth and stamped on my head during the night.

My memory of the prior evening, however, was a bit ‘hazy’ to say the least…and the events were quickly forgotten about and consigned to history...

Until about a week later, when I received a lovely yet unexpected parcel in my porch. On unwrapping I saw a gleaming set of new cordless headphones. Yay, and indeed woo! What a pleasant surprise!

But with that, like a kick in the bollocks from a raging bull wearing steel toecapped hobnail boots with an apocalyptic asteroid attached, the memories came gushing back.

I sprinted to the PC and checked my Ebay account to confirm my worst fears…

Over the next few days I received parcel after parcel relentlessly dropping in my porch…until I had the full compliment of FIFTEEN sets of identical crap cordless fucking headphones…each one having a wireless range of about 4 and a half centimetres, so you had to press your head firmly against the transmitter to enjoy the sound quality, which was akin to a decrepid urangutan shitting firey marbles into an empty can of value mushroom soup.

I was too stupid embarrassed to complain, and my conscience wouldn’t let me sell them on again – they were just too cataclysmically crap, and I knew Joe public would whinge like the bitch he is.

So thank fuck that Christmas was just around the corner…because that year, everybody in my family, from my 6 month old neice to my 92 year old Grandmother-in-law, took receipt of a badly wrapped, shiny lump of usless headphoney uber-tat from their loving uncle Cheeky.

I live to give.


*Lazytown – Is it wrong to fancy the girl with the pink hair from Lazytown? It IS? Oh, I thought so…I was just asking that’s all…forget I said anything…


\not a peado



EDIT: Congratulations go to the Pink haired 'Stephanie' girl from Lazytown who celebrates her 18th birthday today!

*breathes sigh of relief*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 22 May 2009, 10:38, 14 replies)

Lovely job
from the internets favorite doppleganger. Cheers, matey.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 22 May 2009, 10:42, closed)

LazyTown
Just so yuo know, apparently (according to a mate) she is actually 16 therefore of legal age.

Still a bit wrong though she'll be fit as fuck in a few years
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:09, closed)

According to Wikipedia
The pink haired girl from Lazytown will be 18 in 3 days' time. I expect some of the regulars at 4chan will be celebrating?
( Amos E Wolfe makes vinyl signs and things like that, Sat 23 May 2009, 22:26, closed)

Brilliant
Mr Cheeky, I feel I'm in somewhat familiar territory whenever I read one of your entertaining posts. I suspect you have a long-lost twin somewhere, who may be an man of considerable renown.

Have a gleeful click.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 May 2009, 11:13, closed)

*Clicks like a big mong*
BTW The girl in Lazy Town is called Stephanie.

I don't fancy her either...
( TheMattInAHat has a particular... odour..., Fri 22 May 2009, 11:15, closed)

Great Story!
I'm glad you made the poor decision to buy cordless headphones, I have always wanted some but never got around to buying them...

Now I know I don't have to!

Thanks for the help... Every cloud, eh?!

BTW: She's 18 in 4 days time... The wonders of Wikipedia!
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Fri 22 May 2009, 11:58, closed)

Clicked and lols
www.geocities.com/subspecies_x/001_pics_lazytown.jpg
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:11, closed)

Click for the use of the term piss-tarded

( willenium Fist bump for verification, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:15, closed)

Headphones
cordless are just never as good as you hope are they?

And bejeesus, Stephanie rocks and pink hair wins! now all we need is more dancing and less sporticus! or so i have been told ahem....
(MudButton does not mean to offend but......, Fri 22 May 2009, 14:04, closed)

I had to google Lazytown
www.lazytown.com/Default.aspx

Reminds of that horse site...
( stopmeandslapme Cometh the hour, cometh your mum, Fri 22 May 2009, 14:32, closed)

Click!
Cos it made me howl! there's spit and tea everywhere now..
(Beer Elf Thought this was like a campfire, anyhow, on, Fri 22 May 2009, 14:33, closed)

*click*
this writing style is all..too..familiar.But good. Let me mention, good.
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Sun 24 May 2009, 7:12, closed)

Twunt!
Just inhaled a sausage sarnie reading this, nearly choked to death!

Fucking genius.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Sun 24 May 2009, 10:53, closed)

You're wasting your time
Rumour has it she's a Friend of Dorothée.
( Sonic the Hedgetrimmer doesn't care what you think, Wed 27 May 2009, 16:36, closed)