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This is a question I'm Sorry I've Written A Joke

Challenge: write a joke. As simple joke with a setup and a punchline.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

* No isms - keep this light
* Non jokes will be deleted and users temp banned
* No nicked jokes - write one!

So join in and write a bad joke and apologise for it.

Read Latest | Highest Voted

(, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 9:00)
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 13:48, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:26, 5 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What four legged animal helps pollenation?
Most of a bee.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:49, 4 replies, latest was 7 weeks ago)
What does Kanye West and brussel sprouts have in common?
I hate them
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 16:36, Reply)
How do you escape a bear?
\🐻
(, Wed 23 May 2018, 19:07, Reply)
What's really thick and lives on a globe?
A flat Earther.
(, Sun 13 May 2018, 12:33, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
How many gammon does it take to change a lightbulb?
Millions. First to successfully campaign to leave the EU, and then to wait in the dark for the proper inefficient incandescent light bulbs to make a comeback.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:52, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One has a white lead and never seems to be the correct way round, the other is is an industry standard that was developed to define cables, connectors and protocols for connection, communication, and power supply between personal computers and their peripheral devices.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:38, 3 replies, latest was 5 weeks ago)
I have a grudging respect for people who do fly tipping.
They've got six legs, sticky feet, and they're a damned sight harder to sneak up on than cows.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 2:40, Reply)
"Doctor, doctor...
The GUI on my Unix based system has crashed and it's left me with just a command line prompt. Is it serious?"

"I'm afraid it's Terminal."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:17, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Contrary to popular belief, Stephen Hawking wasn't a theoretical physicist.
He was real.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:46, Reply)
Although a transvestite friend of mine lives in Greater Manchester...

He also has a Wigan address.
(, Thu 4 Oct 2018, 17:29, 2 replies, latest was 6 weeks ago)
What idiot called it an airline meal instead of snacks on a plane?

(, Tue 4 Sep 2018, 11:15, 2 replies, latest was 2 months ago)
i asked my friend
why she was dating a homeless man who looked like Elvis.
she replied: "i'm courting a tramp, i can't walk out"
(, Sun 26 Aug 2018, 15:10, 1 reply, 3 months ago)
what do you call a big reptile that gets someone else to bite you?
a deligator
(, Sat 19 May 2018, 7:26, Reply)
Q. How many members of the NRA does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. More guns!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:37, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Why are shoes like a naughty greengrocer?
They come in pairs.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:40, Reply)
What's #000000 and #FFFFFF and #FF0000 all over?
A newspaper dot com
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:56, Reply)
High brow joke
I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after just Four Seasons...
(, Fri 20 Jul 2018, 13:24, Reply)
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a Rolfaroo?
Giant holes all over your children
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:42, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What do you get when cheese explodes?
De Brie.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
Which singer can you boot up?
Adele
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:05, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
My scouse uncle does greengrocery deliveries in Shoreditch
He doesn't have a van.
He does avocado.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:59, Reply)
What smells of piss and doesn't work?
The House of Lords
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:45, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Some people think I'm a homophobe
but it only sounds that way.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:37, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Do you know what gets my goat?
El Chupacabra.
(, Mon 20 Aug 2018, 23:52, 1 reply, 3 months ago)
Second in line to throne launches probe into Britain's separation from the European Union:
Brexit, pursued by an heir.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:58, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
The world origami championship is going to be on Sky this year.
As a paper-view event.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 12:04, Reply)
Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock knock.
Who's there?
A spider with an erection.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:20, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
My mum made me do bell ringing at the church when I was a kid.
One day, when alone in the bell tower, I dropped my trousers and wrapped the rope round my nob for a laugh.

The vicar came in and tolled me off.
(, Wed 8 Aug 2018, 11:00, Reply)
My joke:
What's the difference between tarka dal and regular dal?
Tarka's a little 'otter.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 12:40, 5 replies, latest was 5 months ago)
Why was Sting fired from his job as a paramedic?
It kept taking him six hours to come
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:19, Reply)
There's a new restaurant opened up near me. The staff were all medieval peasants who lectured me abut Caitlyn Jenner's penis privilege.
It was a Serf and Terf restaurant.
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 9:52, Reply)
I thought I was being clumsy when the pig's trotter entered my rectum
but it turns out I was just being ham-fisted.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:59, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:18, Reply)
.
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
[email protected]: ~ $ touch this
touch: cannot touch 'this': Permission denied
[email protected]: ~ $ sudo !!
[sudo] password for mc: **********
[email protected]: ~ $ ls
file.txt
this
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:27, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What bees leave you paralyzed & violated?



Cos-Bees
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:15, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
A horse wearing a disproportionately tall version of a red felt hat popularised during the Ottoman Empire walks into a bar.
The barman pauses for purposes of comedic timing, then asks;

"Why the long fez?"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:43, Reply)
How many drinks can a Prussian knight drink?
Two tonics.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:19, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Every new computer I get seems to come installed with a very posh AI with no name. I hate it.
I called support, but they told me to try Turing a Toff anon again.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
What do you call a skateboarding former UN Secretary General?
Boutros Boutros Gnarly!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:14, Reply)
What do you do if you see a zebra vomiting?
Look both ways to make sure traffic has stopped and then vomit at your leisure.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:59, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
I get really angry about people with type 2 diabetes who mismanage their condition.
I mean, it's ridiculous. It's a straightforward condition to manage, with diet and exercise or medication if necessary. And yet, some patients neglect their own health so much that they end up costing the NHS a fortune with totally avoidable consequences: heart disease, eye problems, kidney damage... when it gets to the stage that people's toes have to be amputated, they really are taking the piss.


I'm lack-toes intolerant.
(, Sat 20 Oct 2018, 11:33, 1 reply, 4 weeks ago)
Old users! How do you upset a millennial?
Give them your mortgage repayment date.
(, Sun 2 Sep 2018, 17:40, 1 reply, 3 months ago)
Thanks to the UK's economy, there's now a growing trend of giving lettuce instead of money to waiting staff.
I fear it's just the tip of the Iceberg.
(, Fri 31 Aug 2018, 10:39, Reply)
Do you know what makes me cross?
Lollipop ladies.
(, Fri 18 May 2018, 22:49, Reply)
What do you call a royal wedding sandwich?
Anything that's in bread.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 7:56, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Where do mad people go to shop?
In Sainsburys
(, Tue 15 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
What's wiry, wispy and covers a cunt?
Donald Trump's hair
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 23:09, Reply)
What's old and white and lies on a bus?
A brexitter
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 16:07, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
A man walks into a doctor and says he's got an apple stuck up his bum
"Are we talking about a core or the whole apple?", ask the doctor
"Macbook Pro"
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 14:42, Reply)
What do you call a cold-blooded oblong?
A reptangle

(my son thought of this on the way to school)
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 13:28, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty bus.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:34, Reply)
I went to turtle school
but I don't remember what they taught us.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:20, Reply)
I don't have the correct security details for the tropical fruit fan site
It keeps saying 'persimmon denied'...
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:42, Reply)
I don't care if you're having rhinoplasty...
...it's no skin off my nose
genuinely thought of that one myself
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 19:26, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
A woman hears her husband is in hospital and rushes to A&E. The doctor, who is Italian, says: "I'm-a sorry. It-a seems-a your ahsband is-a turning into a tree."
She asks, "Oh my God, is he getting any better?"
Says the doctor: "No! He's-a sick-a more!"

(I swear it's funny out loud.)
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 13:46, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
What do King's Cross and Yorkshire weather have in common?
T'rain.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:32, Reply)
I told my husband I wanted a personal trainer
So he stencilled “Your breath stinks” onto one of my Nikes.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 17:20, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What kind of sugar actually tastes salty?
Alan.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:08, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
What do you call an actor who badmouths and slags off those who follow the teachings of the lord Jesus?
Christian Slater.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:39, Reply)
You can say what you like about italics
but at least they made the trains run on time.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:35, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Why did the pope cross the road?
To bless it.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:29, Reply)
I just bought 2000 slices of spam in batter
I'm just frittering away my money.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:28, Reply)
An uncle of mine once ran a factory that made specialist paper for origami
But it folded.
(, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 21:05, Reply)
I'm going to marry the lady at the fish market.
She's the girl of my breams.
(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:51, Reply)
An Englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar
and the barman says "what'll it be gents"
Englishman - 'I'll have a pint of fisted goblin, 4.6 ABV, golden colour with citrus undertones"
Irishman - "I'll have a pint of Guinness and a Bushmills chaser"
Scotsman - "I'll have a er...erm...a lime and soda"
Toby and Patrick both turn to Hamish and say "you'll have what?"
Hamish - "Sorry, what were you expecting? Just because I am from Scotland you expect me to be some stereotype drunken scot? Are you expecting me to order Tenants super and a bottle of buckfast just to live up to an outdated and untrue image of the Scots as alcoholics? Shame on you. For your information I like lime and soda. Also I am skint at the moment as I spent all my dole money on smack."
(, Fri 21 Sep 2018, 23:39, 1 reply, 7 weeks ago)
How does Batman's mum tell him his dinner is ready?
She doesn't, she was murdered!!!
(, Sat 15 Sep 2018, 22:12, Reply)
I'm thinking of opening an anal bleaching salon that specialises in different shades
I'll call it Ring Tones
(, Tue 28 Aug 2018, 16:05, Reply)
Looking for recommendations for a Corrective Plastic Surgeon...
any suggestions I'm all ears!
(, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 18:26, Reply)
What do you call somebody who compulsively steals from Polish shops?
A Skleptomaniac
(, Sat 25 Aug 2018, 21:33, Reply)
The guy from A Very English Scandal and 90s rapper Skee-Lo stood back to back
Whishaw was a little bit taller
(, Thu 14 Jun 2018, 14:10, 2 replies, latest was 3 months ago)
Mum Jokes will get you far.
But Dad Jokes will get you father.
(, Tue 22 May 2018, 22:19, Reply)
What do you call someone who delivers Indian cuisine?
A courier.
(, Wed 16 May 2018, 18:39, Reply)
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 18:18, 4 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
How do you get down from an elephant?
You cross-breed it with a swan.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 21:37, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
What do you get if you chop a centipede in five?
Twentipedes.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:18, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
What do you call an angry hippie?
Incensed.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 4:27, Reply)
What did Matt Damon contribute to the Oxfam Fair?
Goodwill bunting
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 23:17, Reply)
I was once inappropriatedly touched by the Chuckle Brothers
#MeTooToMeToYou
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 22:45, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Why do beavers have flat tails?
If they had flat heads, their brains would squirt out of their ears.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 21:13, Reply)
What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 19:15, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
MUSIC NEWS: Sting single-handedly foiled a robbery today
He said he didn't need any Police backup
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:20, Reply)
My girlfriend complained that my colander was too small.
She might think it's tiny, but I know is ma sieve.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:21, Reply)
If weddings aren't depressing
why are the cakes always in tiers?
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:20, Reply)
What is the most famous French cannibal film?
Jules et Jim.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:17, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Why did John Lennon sing, "I am the Eggman"?
Because he married Yolko Ono.

(sorry)
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 14:05, Reply)
The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 11:33, Reply)
I spent ages struggling to understand popular groups at school, but eventually it just cliqued.

(, Fri 16 Nov 2018, 18:40, Reply)
An Scottish horse, an Irish horse, and a Rabbi horse walk into a bar
They make a bet that they'll try and pick up the next female horse that walks in. A beautiful chestnut filly walks in and orders a campari and soda. The Scottish horse downs its single malt whisky, smooths out its kilt, adjusts its sporran and walks over and stands beside her.
"Neigh!", he says, "Neigh, neigh. Neigh!!!". The preliminaries over, he mounts her and sends a couple of tables tumbling over as he feverishly pumps away, spilling some of the other patrons' pints all over the patterned carpet. To be honest, I don't have punchline for this joke. I probably should have thought of one before I started writing it
(, Tue 6 Nov 2018, 23:11, Reply)
Why did the poltergeist not cross the road?
He was trapped on the other side.
(, Mon 29 Oct 2018, 16:06, Reply)
all signing, all dancing: musicals for the hearing impaired

(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:59, Reply)
What's Sherlock Holmes' favourite plant?
A lemon tree.
(, Wed 26 Sep 2018, 20:58, Reply)
Why does Crystal Gayle insert smurfs into her bottom
She wants to make her brown eye blue........
(, Mon 24 Sep 2018, 22:45, Reply)
i tried to make a sauce vert, but it went wrong
boy, was THAT a waste of thyme!
(, Sun 23 Sep 2018, 15:59, Reply)
The teacher asks the class what historic landmark would represent them
Sally puts her hand up first and says, "I'd be St Pauls Cathedral. It stayed standing proud in the Blitz when times were darkest, and symbolised hope to all Londoners"
"An excellent choice, Sally", says the teacher
Sundeep put's his hand up next, "I'd be stonehenge, Miss. It showed great resilience by lasting thousands of years, and contains ancient wisdom"
Finally, the teacher asks Billy what he'd be.
"I'd be Big Ben in the afternoon", he replies.
"And why's that, Billy?"
"Because I've just had three bongs"
(, Tue 18 Sep 2018, 12:07, Reply)
my little sister
used to tell bizarre kangaroo-based jokes as a kid. i think the weirdest one was: "why did the kangaroo cross the road? because he wanted to go to the shop and buy a pot noodle and cook it in his brains to make his brains go wiggly"
then she laughed for a solid ten minutes , whilst we looked on, bewildered.
(, Mon 17 Sep 2018, 15:21, Reply)
I like satire because I have a Juvenal sense of humour.

(, Fri 7 Sep 2018, 17:57, Reply)
They say the secret of comedy is timing...
Which probably explains why my audiences keep looking at their watches.
(, Thu 6 Sep 2018, 21:01, Reply)
Please help!
I'm trying to find an online tutorial for advanced makeup techniques, but all I can find are foundation courses...
(, Mon 3 Sep 2018, 22:24, Reply)
Have you tried the Dickensian Orphanage Chef workout regime?
Let me tell you: it's gruelling.
(, Mon 27 Aug 2018, 9:33, Reply)
it's not my joke, goes almost like this:
I once had a job digging holes for water. it was well boring.
(, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 15:59, Reply)
I was so hungry last night I ate the magazine that was sitting on my bedside table.
Now I've got Readers Indigestion.
(, Fri 24 Aug 2018, 14:27, Reply)
I find it impossible to look at cream cakes
The doctor says it's a problem with my profiterole vision.
(, Sun 19 Aug 2018, 21:27, Reply)
*ahem*
If a travel agent is surrounded by a ring of small islands, are they atoll-protected?
(, Mon 4 Jun 2018, 0:49, Reply)
Why doesn't the Labour party use Norton Antivirus?
It's cos they're bit anti Symantec.
(, Mon 14 May 2018, 20:50, Reply)
Which type of bread has a sense of humour?
Rye
(, Sat 12 May 2018, 0:50, Reply)
A skeleton walks into a bar and says
I'll have a pint of lager and a mop please
(, Fri 11 May 2018, 18:22, Reply)
I used to get through a lot of Cheese Thins crackers.
Then they brought out 'NEW IMPROVED!' Cheese Thins.

I guess Thins can only get better.
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 18:40, Reply)
What did the verbose goose do when he sat on top of the head of a famous American saxophonist in an autonomous territory (and former British colony) in south-east China?
Honk on G ["Hong Kong"]
(, Thu 10 May 2018, 17:09, 3 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Understand doesn't my wife me

(, Thu 10 May 2018, 0:32, Reply)
Members of ISIS have formed a tribute band in honour of David Byrne's post-punk new wave combo outfit.
They're calling themselves "Taking Heads."
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 20:57, Reply)
What do you say to a non-gender specific person engaged to fit carpets who needs to get a move on but has told you in passing that s/he has a degree in Spanish language
Underlay underlay
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Why were there so many Crusades?
Because they're so Moorish.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 9:54, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
I wrote a musical about STDs.
All the songs are really catchy.
(, Wed 9 May 2018, 0:15, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
Waiter waiter!
I'll have a crocodile sandwich and hurry the fuck up!
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 21:15, Reply)
Do Limericks count?
I don't know
Maybe they do
Maybe they don't
This one doesn't rhyme
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 18:41, 2 replies, latest was 6 months ago)
Sean Connery...
...is worried his distinctive voice is stopping him getting decent roles. He asks an Ear Nose and Throat specialist for an opinion. The Doc tells him he thinks the problem is with his sinus

Sean goes nuts...

"Shyness? I haven't got a shy bone in my bloody body!"
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 15:07, Reply)
Herb Garden For Sale
No Thyme Wasters
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 13:04, Reply)
A real woman
is equal to her complex conjugate.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 12:10, Reply)
Somebody called me a pepper pot today.
I just took it as a condiment.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:36, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
A load of dogs have just escaped from the police station.
Luckily the police are currently out there chasing many leads.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:33, 1 reply, 6 months ago)
My wife reads a lot of early twentieth century literature examining class and hipocracy.
- Forster?

- no need, she loves them.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 10:17, Reply)
Which video game member of the eulipotyphlan family Erinaceidae had a number one in 1998 with It Feels So Good?
Sonique The Hedgehog.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:57, Reply)
What do you call an arachnid wearing white gloves and shouting, "r u on 1 matey?"
A house spider.
(, Tue 8 May 2018, 9:35, Reply)

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