I've been in a car with Baldmonkey..

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 21:20, 4 replies)

This man?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 21:20, 44 replies)

I've never met anyone on the internet.

(Elephant Balderdash attempting to bottle the absurd, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 21:11, 2 replies)

I was silly on the internet.
So someone gave my boss a RING and tried to get me FYRED.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 21:00, 17 replies)

You're no-one, zero, zilch, a non-entity on the Internet
until you have a hate page devoted to you. I do.
(rogerzilla, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 20:10, 4 replies)

I moderate a music website.
Some people don't like the fact that I do. I've had threats against my wife, her private work details splattered all over sites, I've been signed up for gay dating sites without my knowledge, and subsequently propositioned, I have been accused of raping my own daughter. Lots of folk have done it. One chap stopped the moment the police knocked on his door. That tells you all you need to know about the nature of these people. And Morrissey fans.
(barst Rdli Hakkis 4eva in r hartz, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 19:50, 3 replies)

I'm sitting on Scousepet's doorstep.
And I'm not wearing any underwear.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 19:45, 2 replies)

My studies of chatroullette have led me to conclude
that the average man on the street, given that his anonymity was protected, would be either flashing his cock in your face or idly masturbating when meeting you for the first time, given his choice
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 19:08, 2 replies)

Rory, take a bow

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:59, 55 replies)

DinivanX
edits his/her posts. The big mental.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:55, 2 replies)

/talk
It's mental there
( DinivanX Has stinging piss after drinking Pact Coffee, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:48, 8 replies)

Odd picture
I got into a silly row with a silly man on a silly internet forum.

In order to settle this arguement, the silly man worked out my name (not hard as it turns out, I'd posted pictures using a photobucket account that is basically my name), worked out whereabouts I lived (again, not hard, I'd commented on crime stories that had happened near where I lived) and then worked out exactly where I lived, presumeably using 192.com or the like.

So what he then did, was came round to my house, in the middle of the day, took a picture of himself stood on my doorstep and posted it on said silly forum.

Which was just weird.
(ScousersPet, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:32, 8 replies)

Everyone is a bit mad...
But if you want some quality insanity have a wander over to forums.carm.org - it a Christian website but the ID/Evolution board has some prize religious nut jobs. My favourites are:

Supersport - a guy that is just so unpleasant and stupid that he is proud of having cheated in order to get his high school diploma. He also posted on an online memorial for a guy that died a couple of years ago that said guy was a baby murderer and other foulness. The board was set up by the dead guy's family and this bloke refuses to see how it was wrong or why he should apologise.

Nouveau - Someone that claims to have been the CEO of a fortune 500 company, to have five advanced science degrees, to be a surgeon, to be a published economist, organised the Pan American Games, and to have raced yachts at a speed of 35knots/hour. Oh and he thinks that anyone that accepts evolution is a Nazi.

dad - a guy that believes that science can't say anything about the universe outside of our solar system because once you go outside the solar system it's all different and just looks like the universe is consistent.

I love reading the works of religious nut jobs. It reminds me why I am so happy to have gotten over my religion.
(TeabagSalad Never teabag a troll, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 16:08, 3 replies)

I went on a date with someone I met online once.
Turned out, while she'd described herself using the right words, she'd rearranged them slightly.

She actually had short white hair and long black curly teeth
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:56, 2 replies)

Surely.....
This is just the same as the endless reports on the BBC about .....the BBC.

The appointment of a new Director General of the British Broadcorping Castration shouldn't be the lead story on BBC world news above a reort about a ceasefire in Gaza.
(Barnetboy, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:36, 2 replies)

I could just copy'n'paste my Gazbox
It overflows with impotent and largely unread fury.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:25, 14 replies)

A mental saffa phoned my work to talk about the passionate love hate relationship we were apparently embarked upon.
It seems that if you call somebody unfailingly dreary on the internet this means you're in lurv.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:23, 1 reply)

Funniest thing ever, courtesy of mmps
b3ta.com/questions/notme/post1356853
original linked at bottom
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 15:06, 7 replies)

I got a flurry of weird messages a few days ago...
...from David Markuze, a.k.a. David Mabus, a.k.a. that bloke who was arrested again this week in Canada for threatening people online.

In the past I have also debated creationists who are convinced that basic mathematics is wrong. This particular argument was that the total capacity of Noah's Ark only needed to be the number of animals times their median size, not their mean size. Median size of 2 mice + 1 elephant = size of a mouse. Therefore for 2 mice + 1 elephant you only need an ark big enough for 3 mice.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 14:58, 12 replies)

The Chills
I've mentioned this before, but...

At the end of a perfectly reasonable email, my correspondent - who had found me via my website - ended with the chilling words

"Oh, and by the way, I see you on the train sometimes."

I took the bus home, that night...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 14:54, 3 replies)

Timecube man. I tried to link to the site but there's some wanky ad in the fucking way.
Wavy lines.

Nuff said. Darth Vader.

Cheers.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 14:10, 4 replies)

more dating stuff
Girl I met had been on a couple of dates with a bloke she met on the webs before me. Drinks first, then a couple of nice dinners. She thought he was a bit of alright, he worked in a good job and for the fourth date, he asked her over to his massive city centre apartment for a romantic meal.
Turned up, and was wowed by the apartment, the food, the expensive chablis etc.
After dessert, he excused himself from the table and popped into the bathroom. Apparently, he was gone a while, but being a pragmatic sort of bird, she assumed he was having a nervous poo and washing himself off a bit before getting a little frisky.
What she hadn't expected was for him to come out agin, 15 minutes later, wearing a skintight black latex gimpsuit with full face mask and ballgag.
Not a hint of it prior to the event, just sort of strolled casually out and expected her to respond favourably.
She didn't

shortly after that, she drunkenly let slip that the reason she moved to leeds was because too many people back home knew her as the woman who tried to kill her boyfriend by stoving his face in with a shovel.
I didn't hang around her long either (I looked it up, and sure enough she made the national news)
(kaptinkurtz, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 13:54, Reply)

Internet Dating
nuff said
I went on a few dates with one girl who my mates referred to as boxa. She bought me a pack of pipecleaners for Valentines. On my birthday, i got a charity shop tie with tiny little plastic farmyard animals sewn all over it. It was short lived, she was completely bonkers.

On the other hand, I met my wife the same way, and she's practically normal
(kaptinkurtz, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 13:48, Reply)

This is just going to be
a week of bullying, isn't it?

the thing with communities like B3ta is that they generally root out the weirdoes because most users are at least vaguely sane, and will generally point out to someone if they're talking bollocks. Where you get real weirdness is when everyone's either nuts or pretending to be.

www.davidicke.com/forum/
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 13:32, 1 reply)

POF
I am using plenty of fish at the moment..
One conversation goes like this.
Female: Alright? You look nice. Wanna meet?
Me: what's your name? Where are you from?
Female: That don't matter. Do you like my photos?
Me: they're alright. Nice bra.
Female: yea I got more. If you wanna see more of me, I am also on www.shaggme.com.
You can see everything there. Take me out this weekend. You wont be disappointed.
Me: hmm. Maybe not.
Female: fuck you queer.
Me: Righto!

The question I need to ask is.. Does this make me gay? Hahaha!
(bangthedrum, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 12:35, 5 replies)

Spookily, from /OT earlier today
a top nutter .

b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1789838
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 12:32, 2 replies)

Comment weirdness
I sometimes write a column for Huffington Post Comedy, and sometimes people even leave comments. Most of these are lovely, but every now and then I get one that's so left-field, I just have to cut-out-and-keep on the off chance I can recycle it as a call-out quote to go on the back of that bestseller I've got planned.

So, when I wrote a tongue-in-cheek thing about Britain's worst town (It's Basildon, by the way. Or probably Aldershot), I get this:

Scathing snobbery and classism bubbling under the surface of a barely veiled hatred for the working class. A classic of post-election Cameronian journalism.

They know me SO well.

I get others from people with that sense of superiority that has appeared since they stopped doing the written exam for internet access:

On my calling out homeopathy for the quackery that it is: "You are merely a comedian, while I have three degrees"

On using my tongue purdier than a ten-dime whore: "A turd-in-progress sucked up into your own prolixity."

On not being funny: "Thats not funny. This website isnt funny. Your all fucktards."

Three sentences, three grammatical errors. Yes, I am a classist snob.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 22 Nov 2012, 12:13, 10 replies)

First
This is one of my favourite nutters I was reminiscing about just the other day. I develop a slight man crush on Enzyme each time I re-read it.
( Pig Bodine., Thu 22 Nov 2012, 11:59, 24 replies)