a motorhead button
an omnipresent button that when pressed, would cause motorhead's the ace of spades to be played at excruciatingly pleasant volumes instantly.
(rnuk http://flickr.com/rnuk, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 17:05, Reply)

Mirrored contact lenses
I always wanted some, is all.
( dr_fonz, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:59, Reply)

How about shoe horns
Not the type that help you get your feet in, but the type that HONK when bleedin students/old people or foreigners stop for toooo long when it says 'seek assistance' at the tube barrier, they could shout 'don't try to put it in again, seek bloody assistance you idiot'... I guess you have to live in London... sorry
(Bob Catshit, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:50, Reply)

in a similar vein - The Python-a-mometer
Be the envy of your friends and a friend to the earth. Finally, a python that you can shove up your bum to discern your core temperature. Watch out, here comes the science:

"Every good christian knows that pythons are cold blooded, and also that people like pushing snakes up their bums. These two facts have not been considered in tandem, UNTIL NOW."

Simply apply the snake anally - leave for as little as two days, and soon after that you'll have an accurate reading of your core body temperature.

Remember: The friskier the Python, the hotter you are.
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:24, Reply)

The HedgeHogWatch
A device so simple - it'll make you weep blood, a hedgehog strapped to your wrist - you can now tell the time. If its winter, it's asleep.

Two alarm settings, winter and not-winter. Never be unsure what season you are in again.
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:13, Reply)

Miniature pets
Not like gerbils and other such tomfoolery, but miniaturised elephants, giraffes, hippos etc.
All easily attainable through selective breeding rather than have to go through all that genetic engineering malarky, safer too.
Also has the added bonus of preserving the genetic information of the species in case of extinction in the wild.
Longevity. No more upset kids when fluffy goes to the petshop in the sky, with your mini-jumbo it lasts as long as they do (barring accidents for either party).
Come on you heartless swines, lobby for miniature megafauna today, you know you want a mini elephant as much as I do.
(Speedwolf, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:10, Reply)

an online pregnancy tester
- get young girls and confused boys to wee on their parents' computors in an effort to ascertain pregnancy, some sort of red circle on the screen. It wouldn't work of course but I'd do a sideline in PissBeGone monitor wipes, who wants in?
(callipygous everytime I kill a hitchhiker, God masturbates, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 16:10, Reply)

Head Rests in Gents Toilets
They've already been invented! In the art college's student union, belfast. well they're just chair seats stuck to the wall, but they work!
(finchy, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:59, Reply)

Honestly
Princess Anne spoke to me once.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Inventions inventions
I'd love to invent a shower that works by burning candles, as I had a power cut the other day and had to go to my dad's for a shower, also a self washing car, because I find car washing the most tedious thing in the world, and the auto skip button on a CD player (also known as the 'skip the song the drummer wrote) a button that allows Beatles fans to avoid the Ringo numbers, Led Zep fans can avoid the drum solo's,an invention the digital age needs!!!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:36, Reply)

Head rests for Gents toilets
It's reaching the latter part of the evening, you're fast approaching that state of drunkeness where standing up is getting to be a bit of a bind, the old bladder needs emptying so off you head to the gents. That quite, peaceful moment of relief is a time of rest..... of quiet reflection. As you start to take stock of the evening's progress and enjoy the slow release of pressure from down below, you allow your head to rest against the wall.

The cold, hard, dirty wall.

It's clear to see..... What every pub / bar needs is a padded headrest above each urinal. Simple. You return to your friends feeling relieved and rested.
(smerv, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:26, Reply)

I Want
A self patting device which would fit on the back of my mates dog so that the fuckin hateful thing stops jumping up at me everytime i go through the fuckin door. I hate pets!
(Mapper, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:17, Reply)

For the Old
Second World War World!

A dedicated area of Coventry (which already has that look and feel of WW2, having never been rebuilt since its horrendous bombing betwixt 1939 and 1945) can be set aside by the government for all those people who lived through the war and insist that life was better then. Thus, they can retire happy to a world as it was in their hey-day, just like that hilarious Nicholas Lyndhurst comedy. Just think:

all those lovely sing-songs round the old joanna

real communities, where everyone knows your name (and also your private business, and you get ostracised from the community if you don't conform to their way of living and outlook on life)

lose weight - there's very little to eat. relive those famous tender family moments you used to share, that are long-gone in these days of the collapse of family and other traditional social structures, such as: 'right kids, i'm afraid that we've got nothing to eat again, so we're gonna have to cook Lucky the hamster'

random bombs fall on the theme park at any given moment

loads of mangled bodies, death and disease

no NHS

your wife gets to do an American GI

norman wisdom AND george formby...jeez, war is a terrible thing really, isn't it?
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:11, Reply)

fudge
but not your average bar of fudge, oh no this special fudge has a memory.
memofudge
like a solor powered dictophone but filled with all that fudgey goodness your memos yern for.
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
with all the (chocolate) buttons youd need, play, pause, record, stop, implode, hide, expand wings, spout legs and run for it.
(Jallagher, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 15:02, Reply)

A replacement for cars!
How about an animal instead of a car? Maybe with four legs so it can travel faster. It'd have to be big enough to carry a person or two. You could make a little seat that goes on its back, so you can sitt easily! There would be no need for smelly petrol fuel... just some tasty morsels, like hay or something and some water. Less noxious emissions!

For carrying heavy items, you could have, like, a wheeled trailer that connects to a harness. You could even sit on one of these instead of the animal. Being an animal, there would be less accidents because they can think for themselves... less collisions!! LIVING CARS! It's the way forward, I tell you!

edit: shit.. I thought of something else... you could drink and drive with these 'cos they know the way home!!!! RESULT!
( emergency_pants Today I smell of... tea tree, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:59, Reply)

More Entertaining Zoo
For those who want their animals to be more interesting.

We don't care that snakes are nocturnal. We don't want to "appreciate them in their natural condition".

We want those damn pythons high on crack, with guns in holsters strapped to their sides, with the triggers somehow linked to their tongues. In my zoo, there'd be a wild west scene in the background, replete with western saloon bar-brawl pianner music interspersed with lisped "yee-haa"s. Obviously bullet-proof glass would be needed, as only the snakes should get shot to pieces as random bullets fly round the cage. Dress them snakes up funny too, in cowboy hats, and watch everyone laugh.

Then show your kids the crocodiles-on-ecstasy pool, with some hardcore music in the background. See them cray-zee crocs thrashing about. Wave the glowsticks on sale nearby to the latest dumb I-beefer summer tune, and let the love flow between man and croc flow.

Heroin-addict petting zoo? Come on, it's a winner!

And of course, the crowd's favourite... monkey tennis!
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:55, Reply)

bath salts
that double as a hair remover. Perfect for the lady (and the man who likes it smooth) no shaving legs or front bottoms.

I mentioned it to ms.bowdie, and she said she'd buy it.
( bowdie, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:55, Reply)

my first acme-cuss-o-matic
insult generator in a humourous voice - possibly german
press the comically overlarge red button to spew out random obcenities to friend and foe alike

death threats not included
nor are the batteries
(Jallagher, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:50, Reply)

Electric Chicken Scrambler
half blender, half chicken and plugs into the mains, or usb for those pesky cyber hens.

(Jallagher, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:47, Reply)

~sigh~ Sorry. Couldn't resist...
I manged to invent a special van with an ice box in the back, to keep things nice and cold.

But then, when the ice box is empty, the van plays a nice tune, just to let everyone know.

~re-lurk~
(Benjimawoo, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)

Kiddie-mute
Speaks for itself. Or doesn't anymore. Thank fuck.
(And I don't agree with that in the workplace, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:44, Reply)

The greatest idea ever... if you're an rum-addled pirate of a small provincial scottish town
Often I have been wondering around with me hearties late at night, our bottles of Barbadian Rum clenched tightly in our 'ands. But something was lacking...musical functionality!

The new MountGay iRum will be capable of holding 300 cl of spiced or unspiced rum, in addition to 40 gigs of music, due to a complex fibre optic disk embedded in the glass. A free gig of sea shanties to start off with, as well as a free pirate hat would come as standard.

It would be the ultimate level of rumtertainment. At least until nanotech comes along, and we have rum bottles that refill themselves by making rum out of the nitrogen, carbon dioxide and water vapour just sitting there, idle in the atmosphere, just like us workshy, rum-addled students. Anything else?

Oh yes...ARRRRRRRRR!
( PopePollo defloculating the soup of the surreal, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:38, Reply)

screen your customers
How about a customer reference agency? Like a credit reference, but instead of telling you if they can pay, it'd tell you whether or not new customers were going to spend hardly any money and be a complete pain in the arse and phone/write to you all the time with idiotic questions, costing your business a fortune.
( ChairmanMiaow Stop! Look! Kitten!, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:32, Reply)

The Tension Sheet:
the stuff they used to use as packing paper, cut into squares and painted red... with "Tension Sheet" written on it.

If only "Thickie" Holden hadn't stolen the idea...
( Pretender, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:28, Reply)

A portable electro magnetic pulse machine
Folks,

Lets face it we've all had some twat in a BMW next to us throwing out 'CHOONS' at testicle vibrating volume and then as you chance to glance at the said twat they assume you want a race. Annoyed? Contemplating the benefits of eugenics? Wish them and their entire gene pool dead in a tragic house fire? Fret no more! merely goad them into further revving then as the lights chage to amber, hit the EMP machine and leave them at the lights shouting and swearing at the wheel of their hitlerian crack dealer mobile as you coast off at a sedate 20mph, casually flicking "V's" as you motor away into the distance. Also a horn that sounds like a police siren would be good for driving through Brixton after lights out.
(dannyboy72, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:24, Reply)

I thought, wouldn't it be great if you could make something that would be like an extra brain. I was taking a social studies test, and I couldn't get the answer. So....I decided that it would be cool if I could Have a spare sortof brain that would be disguised as a pencil shrpener and I could Just sharpen my pencil whenever I didn't know the answer and my pencil would wright for itself while i just held it!
( Killerkitti Like my coffee black, just like my metal, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:22, Reply)

Postal Service
When I was at university I and a couple of mates had a great idea for a multi-purpose video recorder that would act as video machine, toaster, and post box, all in one. Although of course, if you used it to post a letter while it was in toaster mode it would have incinerated your post.
(flying_pasty, Thu 8 Apr 2004, 14:22, Reply)