Getting things wrong when I am correcting someone
A few months ago, Private Eye ran a cartoon showing Batman and Spiderman attending the same party.

In the next issue, the following letter appeared:

'I would like to draw your attention to the error in your cartoon. While I am glad to see comics getting some attention in your esteemed organ, I should point out the glaring error in as much as Spiderman is published by Marvel Comics and Batman is published by DC Comics. As such the characcters exist in entirely separate universes and would never appear in the same cartoon.

Yours sincerely
Oliver French'


Well, I thought, how wrong can you be? And two weeks later, my letter appeared thus:

'Sirs,

While it was nice of Oliver French to show an interest in comic books, despite the accuracy of his statement that Batman and Spiderman appear in separate universes, he is entirely wrong to state that they would never appear together. In fact they have been able to do so in many of the DC/Marvel crossovers that have been published down the years, as any true fan of comic book lore would be able to tell you. It is a good job I buy Private Eye to hide the comics I read on the train every morning in or this sort of nonsense would go entirely unchallenged.

yours

Scarpe'.

And I was proud. A letter. In Private Eye...Me!

Until, two weeks later:

'Sirs,

While Scarpe, correcting Oliver French, was indeed accurate that while Batman (published by DC comics) has appeared with his arachnid-based fellow superhero (published by Marvel Comics) over the years, I feel obliged to point out that the characters name is Spider-Man, not Spiderman. To refer to him as the latter would be like referring to Robert Killroy-Silk as thatbloodyidiot.

Lee Barnett'.


I hate Lee Barnett.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 11:37, 6 replies)

Costly mistake
A few years ago I got very drunk and had unprotected anal sex with a particularly rancid slag I picked up on my way home. This resulted in me contracting a rather nasty STI that caused me to develop an unsightly skin condition around my ears, a condition which has yet to disappear and is fast becoming the bane of my life. Because of one stupid mistake I may now have to live with this for the rest of my life. As you can imagine I now have an ear-rash anal hatred.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 14:41, 9 replies)

Dragons Den
Dragons live in lairs for fuck sake
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:56, 2 replies)

Those big 'back door' style keys, with a metal bit at the end with bits cut out. My upper front teeth could slide into one of those gaps and get snapped off.
Every time I see such a key I cringe and wrap my tongue around my teeth in case the key attacks them. I've even been known to place a hand over my mouth until the key is safely out of sight. Just a photo of one can set me off.

Why? I dunno. I'm sitting here now anxiously checking my front teeth with my tongue and occasionally patting my lips to make sure no rogue back door keys can sneak in there. Urrgh.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 13:02, 9 replies)

Shower curtains
That dont leave you alone when you're showering. Makes me want to kill the bathroom.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 12:06, 6 replies)

Click 'I Like This'
if you think I should adopt the identity of Captain Correction, a real-life superhero who goes around painting over unnecessary quotation marks and misplaced or unnecessary apostrophes from shop signs.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 15:12, 12 replies)

Pedestrians
I don't know how irrational this really is given that some of these things are genuinely annoying, but my level of annoyance is probably irrational given the right of everyone to use the pavement and in complete contrast to my usual easy-going attitude. So here goes...

When walking through a busy city at rush hour why do people give no thought whatsoever to how they walk and where they stand?! For these hectic couple of hours the pavements essentially become highways for tired and stressed people to get home to their families and/or a cold beer. So follow these simple rules:

1: If the pavement is 2-people wide, don't walk in the sodding middle of it. Leave a gap on one side for people to overtake or to walk past you in the opposite direction.

2: Walk *along* the pavement, don't walk on some random diagonal which slowly moves you from one side of the pavement to the other. This particularly pisses me off as it means that I think I can overtake you on one side and then suddenly there's not enough space to get by.

3: Don't suddenly stop to get your phone out/look in a shop/tie your shoelace without checking that no-one behind you is going to walk into you.

4: Don't walk 4 abreast towards me in the expectation that I will step into the gutter/traffic just so that you can carry on with your inane conversation with your friends.

5: If you have the choice, walk on the left. That way, the person who may have to step into the traffic is facing the oncoming traffic and can see whether it is safe to do so.

6: If you are standing waiting for a bus/friend/epiphany/whatever take a second to think about where people seem to want to walk and then stand somewhere else. Particularly if you are a member of a group of bum-fluff-moustached French school kids, consider that you (as a group) are blocking the entire fucking pavement!

7: You may love your wheelybag, to everyone else it is a device specifically designed to trip them over and/or whack them in the shins. So get it out of the way. What's that? I've kicked your bag... why don't I look where I'm going? I was you twat! Where I'm going is 50 yards over there not 1ft in front of me at knee height.

8: Don't stop at the top of an escalator to get your bearings or adjust your grip on your wheelybag or I will walk into/over you to avoid getting trampled by the people behind me.

9: If you don't know where you're going, take a moment before stepping out of the door to find out or step to the side of the pavement to look at your map. Sightseeing's lovely, but 5:30pm on a Tuesday at the busiest intersection in the city is probably not the best time and place to do it.

10: (The Golden Rule) There is always someone who wants to walk faster than you, consider how you might be holding them up.

Apologies for length/bindunness etc.
(flimflam_machine, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:11, 9 replies)

It's bad for you.
To get to my first ever office job I used to catch a train.
On the whole I didn't mind this. The services were frequent and mostly punctual, and it gave me an hour or so a day to sit quietly and read. Unfortunately though, my peace of mind was punctured daily by the presence of other commuters. Like me, they were quiet and slightly rushed people, probably on their way to work. I never spoke a word to any of them. Never knew their names or what they did. Their only crime was to be seen by me every day.

Each morning, filled with renewed loathing for my fellow passengers, I'd scowl at their faces over the top of my book, inventing ludicrous back stories and tortured futures for these hapless bastards. There was Larry Big Arse, whose hyper-extended buttocks in their overly tight black slacks always made me think of a homosexual Matt Damon. "Get a fucking stairmaster, Larry, go jogging for FUCKS sake" I'd silently growl as he waddled along the carriage, past Sally Erection with her ubiquitous umbrella and perfect tits. "It's not raining, you handsome fuck," I'd sob to myself between gritted teeth. "Why, just once, can't you leave the fucking thing at home? Just once?" I had visions of confronting her. "It's JULY you dross bint! It hasn't rained in weeks! FUCK OFF!"

Then there was my arch nemesis, Corned Beef Graham. Earphones and a ginger goatee hanging from his stupid long fucking face. I don't know what music he listened to, but I'll bet I fucking hated it. His posture seemed designed purely to enrage me, a perfectly straight back with his oblong head flopping forward to absorb whatever wankish magazine was sat on his fucking lap. "I bet he goes home every night and eats corned beef fucking sandwiches," I fumed. "Fucking corned beef, corned beef, corned beef in fucking everything. Daft fucking corned beef eating cunt."
I would have paid handsomely to see Corned Beef Graham fall over in public, just so I could ignore his pathetic requests for assistance. He didn't know how intently I watched him, just waiting for him to fuck up.

Then I'd get to work – a tedious chore in a huge open plan anonymous office at the heart of a big city. Hundreds of co-workers, none of whom I knew. But the hateful shits all got names too. Shitpants, the One with the Face, Mo the Cunt …

I got a car eventually, and a better job. Funnily enough, people stopped being so hateful after that.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 16:01, 10 replies)

People making tea "the wrong way around"
It really irks me when I see someone making tea by pouring milk into the cup first, dropping in the tea bag, then adding the water - even more so when they have boiled the water, let it stand for a minute, then poured it in.

The tea bag goes in the (preferably warmed up) cup, add boiling water, allow to brew, then add the milk...

It shouldn't bug me, but it does.
( theoriginalsteve <this space intentionally left blank>, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:57, 23 replies)

It's NOT IRRATIONAL!
*blows dust off post*
Ancient Pearoast ahead....


*Gets on soapbox again*
Poor grammar and spelling
This is not an irrational hatred; this is entirely valid.

I'm afraid I do not ascribe to the view "I had a poor education/I've got dyslexia/a spot on my bum" - Why? Because education is not the entire responsibility of a school.

The law states that parents have the legal responsibility to ensure their children are educated, they in turn often (but not always) hand their children over to the local state run schools to do the job.

However, children are only in school for part of their time each day, likewise most people have finished in education by the time they are eighteen or twenty-one. Learning goes on throughout your life, so if you didn't pick up the basics of communicating efficiently with your fellow humans at school, learn now!

The same applies to dyslexia - as a child you may not have the intellectual resources to get around your particular form of dyslexia, but do not, ever, use it as an excuse for bad English - as an adult you have the ability to find out where to get help and often with a dyslexic brain you are also able to think far more creatively than non-dyslexics…Leonardo Da Vinci, Albert Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison, John Lennon, Pablo Picasso. Don't tell me they couldn't articulate themselves or communicate sufficiently because of their dyslexia.

So, onto the pearoast:-



Firstly if you have problems with spelling - no need to feel any shame or fear, it's a common problem and also one easily dealt with. Use Firefox. Set up the English Dictionary Automatic Spell Checker. Each word you misspell will appear with a dotted red line underneath. You need only click on the word and you will be given the opportunity to choose the correct spelling. Alternatively write your QOTW offering in Word or similar and run a spell check.


Secondly if you are unable to use proper English Grammar either purchase or borrow (from a library - if there are any left around you) a copy of the excellent 'Eats Shoots and Leaves' by Lynne Truss. This deals with most common problems and will put you on the path to righteousness. For the more pedantic out there purchase a copy of Strunk and White's 'Elements of Style'.

As a small note….


Its - this is the possessive version - e.g. The monkey grimaced; its turds were massive.

It's - this is a contraction - a shortening of two words - It and Is - e.g. It's nearly the end of the week; time for a new Question.

Their, There and They're

Their - Possessive - Their house - the house belonging to them.

There - Positional - Over there - Their house is over there.

They're - Contraction - They are - They're over there in their house.

Also beware of homophones - these are not phones from nokia (ha!) but words which sound the same but are spelt differently.

Your (possessive - belonging to - Your fart was smelly.
You 're (contraction)You are smelly.

There is also the abomination that is commonly known as the Greengrocers' apostrophe - as in Tomatoe's, Potatoe's
's means it belongs to someone! It's tomatoes, potatoes, vegetables.

Plurals are shown by a simple s or es

Please, please for the love of all that's good and ginger be aware of these few small rules - use a spell checker, read your post before you click Post and most importantly ensure you know how to use (what is for the majority of you) your FIRST language!

And now I can return to my dusty cupboard.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:15, 14 replies)

I'm from Northern Ireland.
I win.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 15:26, Reply)

Those little fish symbols that severely disabled people are required by law to put on the back of their cars to warn people that they can barely drive.
It's degrading for them.
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 19:23, 8 replies)

Peaches Geldof
Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, inane shite, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like, Like
(penrose your dog's got tits, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:39, 5 replies)

I've overlooked the massive one...
I'm pretty sure i'm not the only one who has noticed that people no longer have the ability to think for themselves. And i'm convinced that this is caused by a combination of ridiculously stupid OH&S rules, bloody obvious warning signs and ambulance-chasing no-win no-fee lawyers.

For example, on a packet of peanuts "May contain nuts". Or a "Do not stick body parts in sharp whirly things" sign on a sharp whirly thing. It's common sense. Or those fucking annoying "Been injured at work? Sue your boss!" adverts that have created the sort of people who the moment something happens to them that they don't like, they wonder who they can sue about it. Like that woman in the US who sued a store for tripping over a child. Her child. And won!

As cavemen we learnt that fire burnt and hurt us, and it got hard coded in our DNA. So we don't set fire to ourselves (unless we're mentalists or really pissed off about something).

Now they're talking about banning people from listening to iPods while crossing the road. For fucks sake, if you can't pay attention to what is happening around you as you listen to Kanye Fucking West then you deserve to be collected by that large mass of moving metal that you haven't given way to.

I could go on. I could go on for a long time, especially without my wife here to gently squeeze my arm to nudge me out of my rantiness...
(squirrelysquirrel, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:10, 9 replies)

Notes and change
Please, please, please will you hand me the change before the note rather than dumping the coins on the paper in my hand. If you don't do this for me, one day I will go postal.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 20:20, 14 replies)

Of
Every time I see 'should of', 'could of', 'would of' I feel like tearing pieces of flesh from my own face. I know it's pedantry, but I really hate it
(outofbubblegum, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 17:13, 3 replies)

Grown adults who won't eat crusts on sandwiches
Fucking babies.
(mersault, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 12:35, 3 replies)

Actually I've thought about this too much...
Very simple, and borne entirely of working in retail:

People who don't put things back properly.

To begin with this seems like a churlish annoyance of someone who hates their job, which is partly true. To me though it exhibits the kind of thoughtlessness and sociopathy which makes me genuinely think that we are doomed as a species (not to destruction, necessarily, but certainly to unhappiness).

It's very simple - you are in a book shop, a clothes shop, a record shop, whatever. You pick something up, you should put it back where you found it, to the best of your abilities (which, frankly, should include having mastered the fucking alphabet by now). You are not a child. We do not expect children to put stuff away because they are children, and are idiots. You though should be capable of the following simple thought: 'The reason they are in order is to help people find things'.

That's why there are systems of order. To help people. So if you are too lazy, or stupid, or thoughtless to put something down at the other fucking side of the shop, or to put it in sideways so that it gets damaged or falls down the back, you are causing a degree of hassle for someone else. This could range from the employee finding it, tutting to themselves, and putting the item back in the right place, or it could result in someone not getting what they wanted, to the knock on effect of that person not going back to that shop, to that shop going out of business. In smaller shops that's not that unlikely.

If you think this is petty, then let me extrapolate a bit. If people are this thoughtless on a general basis in shops then they're not likely to be any more thoughtful and considerate outside. It's not like people are any better behaved elsewhere, and will usually come up with some bullshit bravado about how people should expect a bit of this sort of thing. It's basically how Frankie Boyle justifies being a cunt to people, how FIFA manages to get away with being hideously corrupt, corpulent and ridden with scary old men whose banknotes are probably as ridden with smegma as they are cocaine, it's how that complete cunt down the road manages not to realise he's a complete cunt - a complete lack of basic empathy.

Leaving something in the wrong place is basically saying that it's somebody else's problem. You're busy, you've got bigger fish to fry.

We all know that isn't true. You're just becoming a cunt, increment by increment.
(thePontificator, Tue 5 Apr 2011, 23:36, 9 replies)

Sperm
why can't I have some pleasurable private moments without making such such a mess, what the fuck is it for?
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Tue 5 Apr 2011, 18:36, 14 replies)

God, I am VENTING this week
I was watching tele a little while ago, and had Relocation, Relocation on. Nothing wrong with that, that Kirsty bird is quite fit in a teacher way and it was an old one where she was a bit younger and hadn't put on a bit. All going well with an attractive woman who was looking for a new house in Kent or somewhere.

And then it happened.

My man Phil pulls his phone out his pocket, and rings the woman looking for a house. AND THERE'S A FUCKING CAMERA WHERE SHE IS. What a bloody coincidence! No? What, you mean the camera has always been there, and she probably knew she was going to get the call, and had been briefed before on what was going to happen? Say it ain't so! Kirsty and Phil wouldn't do that to me! But wait, is that shoddy acting? I think it is.

WHY OH WHY DO TV SHOWS FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS? Just have them on speaker, or at least have a shot of them obviously waiting for a call. Why does it all have to look impromptu and surprising?

It's the same when a presenter knocks on someone's front door, it gets answered, BUT THERE'S ALREADY A BASTARD CAMERA IN THE HOUSE. Why do that? There's no bloody need for it. These people aren't actors, they shouldn't even try.

It's bloody annoying, because it's so unnecessary! Why don't they just make it how it would have been naturally? It's little things like that that actually ruin TV for me, because it happens on shows I actually want to watch. If it was on Big Brother or some other shite like that then I wouldn't care, it wouldn't affect me, because I'd never have to see it. But on Relocation? And Grand Designs? Come on, these are meant to be shows for adults (not that I claim to be that). Why do these childish shots?

SORT IT OUT.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 21:22, 7 replies)

"I have kids, therefore your argument is invalid."
Apologies if already bindun here, but if there's one thing guaranteed to make me want to murder someone, it's the good ol' "If you had kids, you'd understand!" defence, which all-too-often gets used to justify Every Little Thing, Ever.

"I'm tired today, I only got three hours' sleep---"
"NO YOU'RE NOT, IF YOU HAD KIDS, THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND!"

"My boiler broke down again, and the washing machine has packed up---"
"OH, THAT'S NOTHING, IF YOU HAD KIDS THEN YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND."

"My rectum has become inverted, I lost broke legs in a freak toaster accident and my wife has left me for a nipple-clamping expert who lives in Outer Mongolia---"
"REALLY? THAT'S NICE, BUT LITTLE TARQUIN LOST HIS FIRST TOOTH TODAY, SO YOU REALLY WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND."

Alright, so maybe I DON'T understand, but perhaps I don't really WANT to, either...
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 18:49, 5 replies)

That woman who goes 'ISA ISA baby'

( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:44, 13 replies)

Kids in band t-shirts.
Of bands they've never seen. Bands who probably broke up before they were out of short pants. Bands whose lead singers died before they were even born. Punk bands. As if anything in your soppy little life has ever been punk.

Yes. I'm talking to you. With your coconut-scented hairstyle and your designer skinny jeans and your fey little mummy's boy face and a Ramones t-shirt a fucking Ramones tshirt you whining bourgeouis fop-haired wannabe CUNT

And relax.

Wuv oo.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 16:23, 6 replies)

Middle Lane Morons
People who blindly trundle along the middle lane of the motorway because they're too lazy (or dumb) to drive properly.

It causes veins to pop out on my forehead whenever I see one and I am tempted to ram the twats off the road.

My mate 'orbits' them by overtaking, moving to the inside lane and slowing down while they pass, then overtaking again. His personal best is 8 loops before the dozy cow took the hint.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 14:51, 19 replies)

Jo Wiley
Eight hundred years old, marginally less withered than Mumm-Ra's mother in law, and still on Radio 1, doing her very best to be 'down wiv da kids'. I especailly hated the 'rocks and sucks' feature - in which, very unimaginative people would phone in two completely unrelated items, one of which they liked, the other, they disliked. And this banale, worthless crap would then be broadcast to the nation.

I hate her for that. I hate her for being the catalyst - along with some creepy Irish fellow who was continually making distasteful single-entendres towards his ugly Scottish co-host, including one memorable occasion in which he intimated he'd like to sniff her contraceptive cap - of my abandoning Radio 1 in favour of Radio 2, thus cementing my decline into middle age. And I hate her even more for finally being booted from Radio 1, and subsequently sloping off to infect Radio 2 with her bland, queasily sycophantic shit.

What's the frequency for Radio 4?
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 2:03, 14 replies)

Me Vs. Them
A bit of explanation is required first.

I ride a bicycle. A lot. It is one of my genuinely favourite things to do – I don’t drive, so it gives me some freedom to get around and it also keeps me relatively in shape. I enjoy very few things more than going out by myself for a good couple of hours and cover myself in mud and sweat. Yes – on occasion I wear lycra trousers. In the winter, these are pretty much a necessity. I also wear gloves, cycling shorts (with under-shorts) when the weather permits, specific shoes and the rest of the general getup. I abide by the rules of the road and am very aware of my surroundings – if I get hit by a car it doesn’t really matter who’s fault it was, it’s still going to be my problem. Likewise, I look out for pedestrians when I’m on a cycle path as I know who any onlookers are going to side with if there’s a problem.

I also use an iPad. It’s not that I’m the bastard love-child of Steve Jobs and a MacBookPro – I have a few other Apple appliances because they’re easy to use, functionally and aesthetically tasteful(ish). I use an iPad because it does what I need – I’m often on the move and it gives me easy access to my e-mails, books, films and music whilst also being able to keep me entertained and informed through the ease of 3G. I know that I could use a smart-phone for this, but they just don’t suit me personally.

Finally, I like vodka. Neat. Maybe with a couple of lumps of ice, but it has to be good. Yes – I will turn my nose up if I ask for a neat vodka and somebody offers me that distilled formaldehyde that passes for Smirnoff. Yes, I will be a snob and ask for brands that few people have heard of, and yes – I will happily pay what many people think is an extortionate amount for a large measure of transparent liquid that they think tastes like burning. The simple reason is that I enjoy a good vodka – nothing more, nothing less.

So here’s the irrational hatred – I hate the fact that other people look at me and judge me for what I’m doing/using/drinking. They make an assumption on what I happen to have with me rather than actually knowing me. I hate the fact that people think I’m a self-serving, smug, egotistical prick for using things that I actually like. They’re not a fucking lifestyle choice and they don’t tell somebody who I am, so why the fuck should they make a judgement about me?

It’s THEIR irrational hatred, and I fucking hate them for it.
( Hunter Stockton was murdered by a bicycle wielding axolotl,.,.,.,., Mon 4 Apr 2011, 17:09, 23 replies)

Text speak.
That thing Gordon Brown does when he inhales. People who repeat themselves. Parents who call their children ridiculous names. The indecisive. Reduced salt/sugar baked beans*. People who don't have their money ready when buying stuff. People who rush to be the first to make a bad or recycled joke about a recent tragedy. "Keep apart two chevrons." Rebellious teenagers. Aquarians. People that relay their night out/holiday/life on facebook. Single function devices that don't work. Asterisks with no explanation. Definately. Not being allowed to hit kids. Jeremy Kyle. People who look at their phone while you're talking to them. Ppl who answer their phone mid-conversation. Stupid people on quiz shows. It being frowned upon to ridicule fat people. Religious tolerance. The intolerant religious. You-Tube comments. Noticing, like, someone repeatedly, like, uses a word making you wait for them to, like, use it again rather than actually, like, listen to them. People listing rational hatreds. People who repeat themselves. Opening a door for someone who doesn't say 'thank you.' The decisive. My daughter Taloolah-boo's annoying laugh. Astrology. Having to end lists with something poignant or resounding.
( mike woz ere 7442200 & 7696970 getter, Mon 4 Apr 2011, 15:17, 4 replies)

Oooh! A chance to post a link to my ...
(almost never updated) blog about things I hate.

I've also just added an entry so I can post something here.

Blue LEDs on Everything

Let me explain this one: an LED is a light-emitting diode, and is familiar to most people in the form of the tiny blinkenlights festooning nearly every gadget ever made. As it happens, blue LEDs were a serious technological challenge and not available until fairly recently. The moment they became available it sparked a technological revolution as suddenly white light was available from these tiny, extremely economical bulbs, and technologies like Blu-ray could exist. This is a truly great thing, and I therefore love blue LEDs.

The problem is that every gadget manufacturer simultaneously suddenly saw the popular appeal of the intense blue they produced, and now one almost cannot buy a gadget without the things on the front of the device. Why is this a problem? Why has it elicited my hatred? Because they are too fucking bright for their actual purpose and do not inherently communicate anything.

This is very simple. Green means "on", orange means "standby", "charging" or "processing" and red means "off". It's a scheme that has worked for ages and is still employed by responsible manufacturers because everyone who lives near a road with a traffic light understands it.

But now nearly every device has a bloody blue-violet eyeball-tanner instead of a proper status LED. This is particularly galling on audio/video components, where, when watching a movie late at night, it is difficult to see low-level detail on your TV screen because you are blinded by the power lights on your gear rack. I have a USB wall charger that I bought specifically to charge things overnight without the sound of a computer intruding on my precious sleep, and the stupid blue LED on the thing is so damn bright that it's actually possible to read in bed with it on.

Are we all over this new colour yet? I am.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 2:04, 10 replies)

praying
i have nothing against people praying for themselves, but if i have a problem and badly need help, having someone say "i'll pray for you" really pisses me off. if you want to help me, do something useful and help me, for fuck's sake! don't beg some mythical sky genie for help, just so you can go home all smug in the belief that you've done something constructive! not only is it annoying, but i find it insulting, too.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 18:20, 8 replies)

A pea! A pea! My seamhorse for a pea!
Dear parents everywhere,

Your kids are interesting to no one except you and your parents. Not even your brothers and sisters are that bothered by them.

Your kids are not special (unless they're special), they're not gifted, unique, or all those glorious things you hope they'll shine at. They might well have a reading age of 11 at the age of 6. It's really not that much of an achievement.

Every step they take is, like for the rest of us, just one more closer to the final curtain.

The legal age for kids to be in pubs is 14. Yes I know a lot of places say kids welcome. I know a lot of places where you're welcome to take crack, but I don't. Please don't bring them in. They are loud and hideously annoying to everyone else who is there - including other parents - and yes you will get hostile glances and comments, so don't be surprised.

Also - if when you've ignored the above and your miracle runs into my knee as I enter the garden, causing me to spill the three pints I'm carrying all over it, and annoy me even further, then please don't act surprised when I refuse to care that your spawn is wet, and yes that I insist you replace the beer spilt. You and your spawn are very, very annoying, and your spawn shouldn't even be here in the first place. Face up to it and your responsibility - your life is on hold now, mine is not.

Sincerely,

A V
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 15:42, 3 replies)