Professor Namechanged.
Lovely chap. Bit of an academic whiz in his field. I got drunk with him one night at a colloquium in Düsseldorf. We talked about his Belgian love of waffles and beer, how much sex he has with his wife, and how the continual wars in the middle east are a global conspiracy to prevent archeologists from recovering Noah's ark from Syria. This chap got a PhD in his teens and genuinely believed that the Noachian deluge was a historical story.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 19:54, 7 replies)

He's probably a b3tan...
This guy on the Guardian is convinced there's a huge conspiracy because a washed-out photo of Bradley/Chelsea Manning appeared in the article. He contradicts himself, he argues with himself and he even offers a tutorial for Photo Plus. Worth reading the whole thread to see just how nuts he gets.
(hnnrs, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 18:38, 8 replies)

The Cunt
Sitting next to me on the train home who thinks that his body plus arms are as slim as they were 25 years ago.

No, you are a fat cunt, and don't whine if I try and push your pen holding, crossword doing fat arm off me.

Ps - 1 down 'chuckle' is giggle you fat (reading over my shoulder) cunt.

Now fuck off and get wet in the rain as you are obviously a single twat.
(Suck it and Sea, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 18:11, 7 replies)

My mother.
Nuff said.
(sleepybunny About time cunting was added to OED, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 18:02, 1 reply)

Not testing the theory
I work for a big electronics and radio test lab, where we've got a fuck-tonne of gizmos and whatnots for assessing the spectrum, precisely measuring the environmental conditions, and generally detecting any kind of invisible physical phenomenomenoma.

One of the highly experienced engineers at this lab strongly believes in ghosts. He swears he's witnessed "events" right there in the lab.
I asked him if he'd ever tried using any of the kit we've got to detect any anomalies - you know, maybe setting up chart recorders over the weekend, or something.

He just looked profound and spiritual at me. I must say I felt humbled.

No, wait...
( Invisible Wizard - 9th Level Pissant, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 18:00, 1 reply)

...
People who use Penis Beakers (Should you want one for any reason: www.penisbeaker.co.uk)
(Kip, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 15:25, 10 replies)

blah blah blah something about electronic bacon and lacking a urinal stick...
e-rasher null pee pole
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 15:04, 6 replies)

People who go out of their way to look like complete twats.
Now, I'm no bastard love-child of Jean-Paul Gaultier and Vivienne Westwood, but what in the name of fuck possesses people to wear things like knitted hats with ear flaps? How much if a cunt do people look like with lensless glasses as a fashion accessory? "Ironic" haircuts? What's that about? It's not me getting old and miserable, people seem to take pride in looking like total bell ends.
I saw a teenager wearing a bow tie the other day - almost spat coffee all over my orange PVC kilt...
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 14:51, 8 replies)

Regulating nonsense
For once, I'm not going to pour my pity out towards the various spine wizards, amnesiac water fondlers, human pincushion analysts and footrub apologists that make up the SCAM (supplementary, complementary and alternative "medicine") industry.

But think on this. How about trying to regulate that mess, but without at any time undermining the many mutually contradictory belief systems that make it up? What kind of regulation regime could possibly cope?

The diversity of it is so incredible that as long as you have done your training in advanced spiritual handwaving or percussive cranial lignoplasty (work it out) you can apply for accreditation and be certified.

Just imagine the minefield of a complaints procedure that must ensue. Who would possibly want to be involved in that?

Look up "CNHC" and be amazed.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 14:45, 7 replies)

People spend 48 weeks of the year saving up to spend 2 weeks somewhere nice.
That's 96% of your time, to have a nice 4%, that makes the other 96% look awful.

In a rational world, you'd spend your two weeks off somewhere really crappy in order to make the rest look good


***EDIT*** Note that as someone with an engineering degree, I approximate a year to 50 weeks in order to make the maths easier. That's just how we roll.
( prince-igor si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 14:30, 17 replies)

I like Pi.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 14:08, 6 replies)

My cousin Barry is the square root of -1.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 13:11, 6 replies)

Spiders
I'm fascinated by them, but can't go near them. If there's a big one in the room (oo-er) I have to get a glass and remove it, there's no way I'd touch it or anything. If one appeared on my desk now I'd be across the room like a bullet from a gun...
Tarantulas though, I have held many times, with no problem at all. Absolutely no fear whatsoever. My stepdaughter has a Chilean Rose and it's fab, I'll happily take it out of the tank, let it wander over my hands, up my arm, not a problem.

Doesn't really make much sense, does it?
( skullfunkerry In case of implosion do not look into implosion, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 12:49, 12 replies)

Let's roast this motherfucking pea!
Unbeliever!!!

I used to know a guy called Phillip.
Phillip was a fairly normal guy, we went to school with each other and kept in touch after school as we went about our lives doing the "growing up" stuff.
He was raised mostly happily by both his parents and got on fairly well with his older sister. He didn't really go in for drinking, philandering or any real law-breaking type activities (that I knew of). The only real blip on the "Slightly Different" radar was that his parents were members of a church that held some beliefs that were not always run-of-the-mill. Phil was a member of this church too and truth be told was probably far more adherent to it's strictures than his parents.
One of these strongly held beliefs was that modern medicine was a sham, a device controlled by the devil to thwart God's will. The church believed (very strongly) that the only way to cure a serious illness was thru the power of prayer and that if that failed then it was simply God's Will.

Anyhoo...
Phillip met a nice girl, Janene at uni, they married and after Phil had been quite strict about pre-marital sex Janene managed to pop their son Digby out about 10 months after the wedding. Digby seemed like a fairly normal bub. Of course he was born at home safely with the aid of a church sanctioned mid-wife and received no immunisations whatsoever. Janene didn't share Phil's beliefs as strongly (she had to convert to get married) but she was prepared to toe the line because she loved her hubby.
That was until Janene noticed one day that Digby had a fairly bad sniffle. He felt hot and was clearly in a lot of discomfort. Now before she met Phil, Janene had been a 3rd Year Vet. student, so she knew enough that this was serious. Weighing up her husbands beliefs against the health of their child she made a choice and took him to the local emergency room. Where her hubby called her, found out where she was, turned up and in the midst of castigating her and accusing her and the hospital staff of being agents for the Devil took his son away and left the hospital. Despite them trying desperately to convince him that his infant son probably had meningococcal meningitis (they hadn't yet had a chance to test) and that with treatment he could easily survive and flourish. All of which fell on deaf ears.

Apparently Digby died in Phil's arms a couple of days later. Due to God's Will.
Janene never really forgave Phil and a few months later told him exactly where he could stick his fucking beliefs as she packed her bags. Even Phil's parents expressed their disgust at the fact that he had allowed their grandson to die a slow, agonising death simply because someone had preached to Phil long ago that medicine was evil.
Phil stood steadfastly by his church and their beliefs, sometimes one of the congregation would feel sad for him and try to console him with the thought that his son rather than being raised by a pair of loving parents was now thoroughly ensconced in the bosom of the very being that had brought about his horrible death in the first place.

Last year Phil was diagnosed with Stage 3 Pancreatic Cancer. Which of course is a test of his faith in God by Satan. He was diagnosed after he was involved in a car accident (God's Will) where he sustained some head injuries (a test of faith) and spent sometime in hospital ncm. As soon as he was awake and upright he was out of there - being nurtured & given strength by The Lord Our Father.

I'm going to toast Phil at his grave. Toast him and his pointless beliefs that brought him more suffering than any demon of Hell could possibly dole out.

UPDATE: Phil died. I kinda felt sad for him. I don't think many other people did tho. Except for some of his fellow congregation members. They were probably a bit disappointed that God wasn't listening to their prayers. Oh well, better luck next time....
(s0ckpuppet logging out to reply to you if you're not careful, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 12:47, 18 replies)

People who spend ages on a particular site complaining that the site is no longer worth spending ages on.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 12:42, 5 replies)

I had an otherwise relatively bright colleague who insisted that fewer people would be shot to death if guns were more freely available.
I didn't argue. Cunt had an Uzi.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 12:37, 4 replies)

I was recently reminded of a former acquaintance
Dave was one of those 'friends of a friend' that no-one would admit to being a friend of. The story that was brought to mind recently concerns his discovery that most women's toilets were far cleaner and more pleasant than the corresponding men's facilities. This became quite a bone of contention with him, and many was the rant we had to listen to about how sexist this was and how this was all the proof he needed that womankind had won the War of the Sexes and had now completely subjugated all men.
So, he took action. Did he inveigle other men not to piss on the floor? Did he reproach them for throwing used paper towels anywhere but the bin? Did he criticise them for not flushing the toilet properly? Of course not. Instead, he would use the women's toilets and pride himself on making them completely unusable for others until they had been thoroughly decontaminated. His favourite trick was to bend over, clutch his ankles and spray shit over as much of the cubicle as he possibly could.
He thought of himself as a hero, someone boldly taking the fight to the front lines in the war against the oppression of men. Coincidentally, he also didn't like any 'people of colour' as they were all uncivilised, filthy beasts, not worthy of being called human.
( wakeupandsmellthebacon, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 11:17, 21 replies)

Here's a fun game

1) Tell a woman that she's irrational.

2) Allow her to get angry at this accusation for a while.

3) Point out that by getting annoyed she is implicitly agreeing that rationality - the linear, analytical way men are supposed to think - is inherently better than irrationality - the holistic, empathic way that women are always claiming we should use instead.


Disclaimer: this is not a great strategy to employ if you plan to attempt to have sex with this woman any time in the next, say, interglacial period.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 11:08, 5 replies)

Our family knew a man who was a research chemist and he was horrified with modern medicine
and so became a naturopath and a purveyor of all manner of snake oils and sugar pills. He truly believed.

How sad then that first his daughter died of MS. Then he died of liver cancer and the funeral of his wife takes place on Monday having died of a very nasty throat cancer. Did they do all the chemo and radiotherapy, yes they did. Did the daughter use all that modern science had to offer, of course.

Did they also live the organic food life to battle their ills, of course. Did they self medicate, of course. They threw everything at their ills.

The muttered conclusions of the well meaning. Well, modern medicine just does not work. That chemo, pure poison. etc., etc., etc., etc.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 9:50, 21 replies)

The ex ladyfriend of a colleague.
Very good-looking, well-dressed in a 'naughty secretary' kind of way, well-spoken and blisteringly intelligent. She's well travelled, erudite and witty and worked as a forensic computer analyst for various government agencies.
I've had many an interesting after-dinner conversation with her and my mate, until the night she mentioned homeopathy. I was expecting her to come out with all of the counter-arguments (chemically impossible, Avogadro's number, it's bollocks to gull and fleece the credulous) but no.
She regularly visited a Homeopathist, took his sugar pills, paid through the nose for shaken water and actually believed it worked.
Irrational? No!
Fucking mental.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 9:16, 11 replies)

Assuming there is no god
Existence as a whole is meaningless, morality is entirely futile, and thus aspiration of any kind is irrational.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 9:03, 38 replies)

Phils1969

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 11 Oct 2013, 8:51, 6 replies)

The idea that there exist rational people who do rational things is laughable. I find this whole world and everybody in it completely and utterly absurd.

( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 23:44, 4 replies)

Anyone who posts a story boasting about fucking underagers..
...and then trying to claim, years later, that they were 'trolling'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 23:16, 19 replies)

B3ta user Rick Fathelme.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 21:02, 6 replies)

Mumsnet.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 19:35, 1 reply)

One man two pairs of shoes.

(ringofyre, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 18:50, 1 reply)

The penis beaker.

( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 18:02, 11 replies)

I have heard tell of some folk who are yet to let Lord Jesus into their lives and they still go
around talking about this evolution gibberish. Natural sciences, natural liars MORE LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 10 Oct 2013, 16:13, 2 replies)