I have a phobia...
...of the QOTW closing before i get a chance to answer it.
(Zigmund can't think of anything good., Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:27, Reply)

Chicken Plops
When I was a kid, as most kids do, I contracted the affliction known to the lower classes as chicken pox. In an amusing case of juvenile mispronunciation I called it "chicken plops".

One day, whilst perusing that emporium of delight known at the time as "Woolco", now Woolworths, I hapened to see a teenage punk. This was around 1982, I was 6.

The acne of the aforementioned punk was delightful to my infant eye. I was no longer alone. "Look, Mum," I cried "He's got chicken plops too!"

And as the adolescent punk tried to scurry away hoping the earth would swallow him up, my cries of "Are your chicken plops itchy?" no doubt rang in his ears.
(drunkenfud, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:27, Reply)

Potty training and 'That's not my robot!'
My son is potty training at the mo, trouble is, he has to be completely naked before he'll sit on the potty.
He also won't do anything on it, he just likes to read 'That's not my robot!' while sat on it. A taste of later life i think.

Kids seem to pick the the one word in a sentence that you don't want them to, hence Peguin jr has been known to sit there going 'twat, tttwat, twat' to himself in the back of the car after someone cuts up his dad. He also likes to say 'fuckin' hell' at every available opportunity. It's very hard not to laugh while telling him off.
I thought i was quite careful with my language but perhaps not as much as i should have been :(

Edit : there were little scrotes throwing rocks at the buses the other day. Why? What possible attraction could it have? If i ever find out Junior has done that he won't sit down for a month!
(The Ginger Penguin la la la la la la, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:27, 2 replies)

Is it still half term?
I reckon a kid thought up this QOTW.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:27, 5 replies)

Kids of today...
Only last week I went for a walk and noted that a mini-charver had sprayed the words "NOB EDD" in foot high gold letters on the underpass wall just round the corner from my home.

I felt so angry and apalled, how could this little scrote do this? Don't parents care?

I have the urge to hunt down the graffiti "artist" and teach him the error of his ways.

By the time I'm finished with him it'll be:

NOB EDD

Knob Head
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:24, 5 replies)

Dear Take a Break...
The funny things kids say, eh?

"Look mummy!" said our sweet little daughter, running into the living room where we were entertaining the elderly church-going couple from two doors along, "I found a Barbie leg in your room!"

It was not the leg from a Barbie doll.

Granted, it was ten inches long and made of pink latex, but Barbie doesn't run on four AA batteries and have a thrusting mechinism for those extra thrills.

Do I win £10?
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:22, 7 replies)

My 7 year old nephew.....
You'll be hearing a lot about him this week...


When he gets changed for bed he's started putting his willy between his legs and pretending he's a girl to make us laugh.

Only me and his mum mind. Not the whole street or strangers or anything.
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:20, 7 replies)

Choose which of your kids freinds can come over for a sleep over very carefully.
I just had 24 hours of a spoilt brat running through my house thinking she can help herself to any thing she wants. Including my primary business computer and fridge.

I like to think she went home having learnt some valuable life lessons.

Next time I will be asking "can I smack your child if he/she is being a little shit!?"
( Sir Pigeon Nipples Did you sit in some sugar?, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:19, 1 reply)

The other night
I was on the phone to my friend. She had her first kid last summer. She put me on speaker phone so she could make the child's bottle while talking to me.

"The baby was up all night," she said, "She's teething. She nearly crawled today. She was sick over me last night. She's grown out of all her clothes."

She paused. "Are you listening to me?" she asked.

"Yeah, mostly," I muttered.

"It's because you don't have kids," she said.

"No, it's because it's fucking boring," I replied. And hung up.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:19, 15 replies)

I love kids
but couldnt eat a whole one

You know it's going to be the ice cream van of this topic.
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:16, 2 replies)

I used to live on an estate in Manchester...
I had very short hair and the kids used to call me strap-on.

How the fuck do they know about strap-ons fer christ's sake.
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:15, 4 replies)

if we write anything remotely porny this week
are we going to get driven out of our homes by vigilantes?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:15, 11 replies)

Anyone else...
...think that was something of an anti-climax?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:15, 1 reply)

I kill children
I love to see them die
I kill children
And make their mamas cry
Crush em under my car
I wanna hear them scream
Feed em poison candy
To spoil their halloween

So yourre in the kids ward
Youre in there cos youre ill
How about some pavulon
So I can see you chill

Time to hit the scool bus
I think Ill shoot the tires
Offer them a helping hand
Of open telephone wires

Ever wanted to die?
Of course you have
But I wont till I get my revenge
I dont wanna see people any more

Things I never ever saw before
Make me see them for the shit they are
Take as many as I can away with me
Anyone can be king for a day

So I kill children
I love to see them die
I kill children
And make their mamas cry
I bang their heads in doors
I kill children
Can hardly wait for yours.
( M o D, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:15, 4 replies)

My Guilty Pleasure
Is answering QOTW posts 5 weeks late!

Arf arf arf

*hangs self with belt on door whilst inserting tangerine into own anus*
(Bazongaloid, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:14, 4 replies)

Woo - first page
Two year old + black marker = bad things

My eldest got hold of a black marker I'd "liberated" from work.

She got the calendar off the wall and proceeded to add beards and glasses to all the cute doggies. Indulgent smirk on discovery.

Then I noticed she'd drawn little smiley faces at *her* head height along the kitchen wall. She'd drawn a smiley face on the washbasket. On the washing machine door (which was glass and easy to clean), the fridge (took a while, but lemon juice worked) and finally, the tumble drier door (the mark is still there to this day).
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, 5 replies)

Kids are great
I should know - I went to school with loads of 'em
( snee held his breath since, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, Reply)

*rants about kids*
just how mean can we be?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, 2 replies)

No thanks....
Don't want them.....
( girlinthehole, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, Reply)

woo!
top twenty!
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, Reply)

...
I'm scared of being late.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:13, Reply)

Scheisse!

( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:12, Reply)

5th
Well, it's my best yet.

*has to leave house, and will think of appropriate story*

Here we go

Now I am not generally entirely fond of children, so this question shall be rife with rants from me.

There are some kids that I don't hate though. Relatives for examples, such as my cousin.

Say, one of my cousins who is now 10, and I have known since she was a baby.

Say, a 10 year old cousin who turns to me one day while at dinner at Grandparents house and asks "So who are you?"


Glad to see I make such a good impression on people.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:12, Reply)

cuntflaps!
oh well, third ain't bad.

Well, upon recently sexing a goat I was rudely interrupted by a high pitched bleating noise and a sharp pain in my calves.

Kids eh!

yes I know it's crap
(Bazongaloid, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:12, Reply)

Second
Hah!
(Vikingheadache, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:12, Reply)

First!
Fuck Yes!

Bow down and worship me!
( Cawl, Thu 17 Apr 2008, 15:11, 7 replies)