Totally off Topic.
Right.
Recently you all seemed to have a laugh at poor little me, bunged up to the eyeball with peanuts.

Recently I've been cooped up with "Vinterkräkssjukan" Literally translated to "winter vomit illness". Yes, That's right: Besides having Saunas, Volvos and Suicide as national passtimes, Swedes also have a traditional winter illness that causes you to hoy your guts up. It's tradition: one must comply.

So. Sat at home with a sore throat I've got an empty fridge. No more milk, the bread is out, the butter went two days ago, and to cap it off I'm out of coffee beans. Last night I rounded up my spare change and togged up to brave the vile weather.

You know how it is: you're ill, you're feeling sorry for yourself and you drift around the supermarket in your own fuzzy world. I treated myself. I found Dates and Figs, and the coconuts were on offer - 2 for 16Kr - very resonable. upon reaching the checkout I noticed I'd forgotten to get bread, but who fucking cared, I had dates.

Half an hour later, giggling like a happy mong and sipping whisky I raised the hammer and whalloped the freshly drained coconut. YAY!!! I rekon there's stilla small bit under the sofa somewhere... no bother. I like dried coconut too.

A couple of determined knife-wielding Tongue-out-of-the-corner-of-mouth minutes later I had a bowl of BIG coconut chunks. More joy than I'd had for days as, with a bowl of dates, Figs and coconut I sat with a Fondu fork infront of the TV and chilled. If you've neglected to eat coconut since you were kid, go do it. Its excellent.

A good while later, and a few minutes into the umpteenth episode of South-Park, Ms Humpty rang to ask if I was feeling better. "Yep, I've got me some Coconut" I said, my grin most likely audible over the phone as - fiening sophistication - I skewered the last bit and chomped loudly on it to prove my point.
"Be careful with coconut baby, It's a laxative"

*Humpty mentally replays the last hours of dietry idiocy*

Fuck.

Double Fuck.

I surveyed the bowl. No dates. No figs... the only testament to my sugar-laden dried-fruit feast was a pile of date stones and the bit you bite off the figs. Not cool. Dried Fruit... Life flashes before you at these moments, and I then recalled my grandmother eating 3 prunes at breakfast time to ensure she crapped....

You know the bit in films when - sporting a face of pure horror - people back slowly away from the evil creature? ... Good. Ever seen anyone try to back away from their own ass? That was me: about 24 hours ago. Evidently I failed to get away.

I now have an ass that is the anotomical equivalent of Sarajevo, My bathroom is a warzone, and I've run out of toilet paper: When the day started I had 2 rolls left. I think it's over now, but by God it was a rough ride.

Things to eat in moderation
Figs
Dates
Coconut
Peanuts.

As you start your festive season, I suggest you follow my advice. The result of failing to do so will end with liquid going though your anus in one direction or the other.

It's hard to measure the length of liquid: especially when it's going that fast.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 5 Dec 2007, 13:54, 8 replies)

Off topic maybe - but funny anyway
Have a sympathy click
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 5 Dec 2007, 14:00, closed)

2007
Humpty's anus horribulus.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 14:00, closed)

utterly disgusting
vile, horrid and beastly in every way.

but clicked it anyway for "giggling like a happy mong". genius.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 15:25, closed)

Humpty, I can sympathise
with that fuzzy, going to the supermarket when you're ill feeling. Last time I had a stinking cold and tummy upset, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed to the local iceland (nearest shop, needed loo roll, for both nose and arse application) feeling rather like someone was sticking knives into my head and punching me in the stomach. I was also a fetching shade of grey. A bloke reeled up to me, covered in sores, stinking of piss and swigging from a can of Kestrel Super Strength (at 9am) and looked at me in horror "Jesus love," he croaked, "you look AWFUL.". There is nothing worse than being told by the local festering tramp that you look like shit. I cried.

Anyway, muchos sympathy to you and your rancid ring.

*clicks to show support*
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 15:33, closed)

Apricots
Add to that, dried apricots. Upon discovering that a tiny bag of about 6 of them costs the same as half a kilo, I thought "why would any idiot buy that small bag". I discovered that only having a tiny bag is a good substitute for the self control that I don't have.

Frequent, Explosive, Painful, and Orange.
(Rastus P Watermelon, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 17:40, closed)

was that story a lie humpty?
you bullshitter you!
(Papa Chocolat, Wed 5 Dec 2007, 23:05, closed)

Choc-Daddy
I don't lie sunshine, I just have a special inability to eat sensibly. Stay another year and you'll most likely witness more of my fights with dietry nighmares.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 6 Dec 2007, 7:13, closed)

Dried apricots
A mate and I were driving down to play a gig in Hertford one day last year (which is a 450 mile journey) and we munched a large bag of dried apricots while driving down the M6.

I became rapidly thankful for two things that day:

1 - The existence of Keele services, and
2 - The 3 litre V6 turbodiesel engine in his car which got us to the aforesaid service station before an embarrassing incident occurred.

I think an enema would have given more advance warning!
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 6 Dec 2007, 9:28, closed)