My exam results...
state that have an A* at GSCE level IT, when infact i failed it because i couldnt be arsed with the coursework (basicly writing word documents about how to write word documents). The thing is though i now work as a windows UNIX and Linux sys admin for a large company with 200 odd computers under my managemet. If only they knew i was useless with word 97.....
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:56, Reply)

A Cautionary Tale
A friend of mine who even four years later, has to remain nameless, applied for and got a job as an IT project manager for a less well known telecomms company in the Netherlands. Suffice to say, he blustered and bullshitted on his CV, and alleged all kinds of technical expertise and successes on his CV. Six months into the job, he was exposed as a somewhat silver tongued cavalier who had managed to mis appropriate somewhere in the region of Eur75 million. Cue lots of belated background checks on said friend and his somewhat lesser abilities came to light. A large team of lawyers hove into view over the horizon and there was much discussion and finger pointing going on. At one stage, he was threatened with a prison sentence, but somewhere along the way, the CEO of the company decided that the media exposure may be more damaging than seeing justice done.

Said friend was sent packing with a severe bollocking and invited never to request a reference or work in the field of IT ever again.

Fours years and one nervous breakdown later, he now live's in Canada. He's still not worked, but I believe he's looking for a pump attendant's position somewhere in Alberta.

No doubt he's learn't his lesson.

As for me, I've lost seven jobs from my CV in the last fifteen years, moved dates around, changed the names of smaller companies and alleged liquidation in two instances so no referees could be contacted. Barring that, I never overstate my ability to do my chosen line of work.

You have been warned!!
(frightfullybored, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:55, Reply)

Not really a lie
But still.. i lost my boring insurancejob about 8 months ago. The first couple of months i just left it at that, but after some 4 months people at job-interviews start asking why you have been unemployed for "so long" as i am talented enough and my cv looks pretty good.
I then thought of the following trick;
in my free time i work as a bartender at a local heavymetal bar/music venue. I do that 1 or 2 nights a week or so. Being unemployed, i sometimes popped in during the day for a chat and a cup of tea. I then listed in my cv that, from around when i lost my job, i was a fulltimer at the Youth Community Centre, and all of a sudden the work i did there changed from basically just sitting behind the bar drinking free lager to "organising all kinds of activities to keep the local youth of the streets, doing something usefull".
Needless to say that the local youth are my 25-and-older friends who, like me, participate in the joyous activity of drinking lager and listening to heavy metal music.
(Bokbiertrol, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:53, Reply)

Going to the gym...
I once interviewed a girl who listed one of her hobbies as going to the gym.

This in itself may not have been a lie, but it did imply that she actually actually did something when she went to the gym - apart from simply eating and watching!

Imagine my horror when the 22 stone beast nearly broke the chair in the interview room when she sat down opposite me.

She got the job! She was my replacement and I wanted my boss to have somebody hot (and no doubt constantly sweaty) to look at during his working day!
(philmc, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:51, Reply)

Legless, that application about breeding prizewinning clams...
I have seen it on somebody’s Friends Reunited page. An Irish guy I knew at uni called Collum, I thought he was being wacky & creative but he obviously just nicked it off a viral doing the rounds.


Anyhoo, sticking to zee question;

I know a man in his 70's who put the letters "FSC" after his name whenever he applied for a job; it was the qualification he was awarded at the end of grammar school in the late 1940's. Always seemed to impress apparently.

"Guess what it stands for,” he says to me,
"Financial Services Charter?" Nope.
"Fellow of Science?” Nope.
"I give up, what does it stand for?"

FAILED SCHOOL CERTIFICATE
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:41, Reply)

My CV...
States that my ego is exceeded only by my abilities.
(beatpig understands subliminalesbianmessagaying., Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:32, Reply)

Honestly Lying
As I've had several of my email to the BBC's website posted on the BBC's website (particularly the Magazine Monitor) my CV proudly proclaims that I have written for the BBC. It's a great conversation starter for interviews.

I also list my editorial and staff writing roles for a couple of gaming-related websites, although those aren't technically "paying jobs".
(Squirminator2k is funny 'cos he's ginger, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:20, Reply)

Badminton, reading and socialising with friends.
The hobbies and interests section of my CV still reads "badminton, reading and socialising with friends", since I copied it from an example in my 5th year "getting a job" lesson. 20 years on I've still never played badminton, but somehow "scratching myself and sleeping" doesn't quite cut it.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:15, Reply)

Good Company

A firm I worked for a while back had a great recruiting policy. If you got invited to a 2nd interview it was always early evening, around 6pm. After the 2nd interview they'd then *insist* that you came to the local pub where the candidates were plied with lots and lots of alcohol. After 5 or six pints, their CVs were pulled out and the *real* 2nd interview started.

Anyone who didn't drink were out as were anyone who couldn't handle their drink. The company found it was much easier to get a handle on what a candidate could and couldn't do after a few beers.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:12, Reply)

'sa job ting, you gets me?
Not me but someone I know had to conduct some interviewing for an NHS Community Liasion post.

In one of the CV's received, a young woman had stated one of her skills as being fluent in Jamaican.

Bless.
( prem1um is full of life, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:05, Reply)

I gave him the job...
I have had the pleasure of giving a job to one of the most inventive guys I've ever met...

The interview went really well, we got on like a house on fire... and he had good abilities and knowledge... amongst his many interesting jobs, one was simply noted as "Marine Coating and Heating Technician". With mental pictures of clever boat power-systems and oil rig designs, I asked for more details...

He smiled and said "Summer job at the local Chippy"

Pure Genius.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Jul 2006, 12:04, Reply)

Spot on Waynster...
I had a really good session from some consultants when nearly made redundant the other year. One excellent tip: if you've got something you HAVE to put on the cv but don't want anyone to read, put it at the top of page 2 on the left. They'll read p1 quickly and possibly flip over to p2 looking at whatever is in the middle of the page.

My motto is "The truth and nothing but the truth...but NO WAY the whole truth". Thus I have a 2i BA (hons) from Leeds uni, but don't mention it was Art/Design Technology. I put down 3 'A' Levels and the subjects but not the grades. I put the dates on the left so that they don't spot the fact that 'A' Levels were 1981 and degree was 1996. I put 'Work history over past 10 years' which excludes all the temp jobs, bumming around picking grapes stuff that came between school and mature studentage.

One last tip for you youngsters - Get a job which sounds interesting or exciting for the summer e.g. deck hand on a sailing ship, clearing up elephant shit at the zoo, stage hand in a strip club (what was the pay? £5.00 an hour, it was all I could afford). This will give you something to talk about for the rest of your life and won't harm your cv. Four weeks at Tesco ain't great, four weeks at Google or the Hilton Singapore sounds interesting.

Biggest lie on my cv: able to work effectively both on my own and as part of a team. I hate friggin' teams.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:59, Reply)

I call it bending the truth
I was fired a few years ago for apparently stealing £13k's worth of computer equipment from a computer store. Obviously this isn't something you can put onto a CV, so it was replaced with "made part-time". I got barwork about a fortnight later with a 50% payrise, which was great :D

A few weeks later, I was offered an interview in a local rival's computer company, and my original old bosses found out. They actually rung them up attempting to saboutage my chances by stating that I was fired for theft etc, to which they replied "Yeah, he told us thanks" and hung up. I started work for them a week later :D

Incidentally, the accusing company found out 4 years later that it was one of the partners that had swindled them out of approximately £52,000 worth of stock, which was about 4 times the amount I was accused of. They subsequently went bankrupt straight after. Fucking A1.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:56, Reply)

Sometimes you can be too honest...
Ive never really lied on a CV although I did just guess what my predicted grade was, for jobs I applied for during my year off from uni. As far as I know no one I ever worked for ever checked up on that.
Howevers some classics some people I know said in interviews for the same companies that I had interviews at:

When asked why do you see as your worst quality one guy actually listed things he was bad at. Getting up in the morning, finding it difficult to learn things.
Another one actually asked if he could start at 10am because it would be easier for his sleep pattern.

I swear I got more job offers because I was just the best of a bad bunch.

Saying that Ive been unemployed for over a month now :(
(reesy22, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:51, Reply)

and I thought I was so funny and clever...
I had just finished studying and had moved to the Smoke to get a job. I saw an ad for assistant at a literary agency in the Guardian job pages. After the usual requirements, it said at the bottom: ‘applicant must hate smoking and love dogs.’

At the time I was a 30 a day man and have nursed a healthy phobia of dogs since being attacked on a beach at the age of three (note to dog owners: it may well be ‘being friendly’ but me being me and not you, that bark and the slavering lips still appear to be the bearings of a killer).

Being desperate for the job all the same, in the CV I wrote ‘as for hating smoking and loving dogs, I have persistent nightmares about Cruella deVille.’

It worked and I got an interview. She was the wife of a very famous politician. I opened the door of her townhouse in Victoria to be greeted by the sight of two slavering pitbulls. They were barking. They were bearing their teeth. She appeared behind them, beaming, ‘say hello to my baaaaabies!’

I didn’t get the job.

Beware: behind every little white lie lurks a ravenous, slavering hell-hound.
(sadler, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Not many lies, to be honest
Other than conveniently not listing the first year of University where I failed an electrical engineering course and moved into IT..

I also tend to think that 'involved in supporting and promoting the UK bi community' can probably be left off my CV until /after/ I've got the job, for certain companies..

There might be a few items on my CV that are a little rusty, or that I'd rather not touch again (i.e. OS/2) but that's just part of the game.

Or claiming to know C++, when in fact, I really knew C with a couple of C++ bits.. (and definitely didn't know any of the STL at the time).

Now, if you want to ask about my time in HR departments and suchlike that's a different story..
(syllopsium, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:27, Reply)

He wasn't lying...
...Just a bit niaeve...

Every now and then I interview new lads/lasses for jobs. Although I work in Sweden, The CV's (for our company) need to be in English...

The CV in question had passed through many hands, All Swedish, and all had approved him.

My Turn.

Two of us, one native english speaker and one very tallented in the language sat with the guy and looked through his CV. He was sat nervously as we read in silence (this is a Standard Technique)... we got to "My activities outside of work" and we both pissed ourselves laughing... loudly... looked at each other and re-doubled the laughter... gained composure, looked over at the gangly geeky looking engineer, Mentally pictured him in a latex maid's uniform... and pissed ourselves again. It was one of those moments that would have been fine, if it weren't for my like-minded friend sat next to me, laughing his guts out.

Once we'd managed to calm down, we had to explain that the phrase "I take role-playing seriously - dressing up and acting out my inner-most fantasies" might need further explanation when placed on a CV ...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:25, Reply)

Nypur
That gag I heard *years* before The Office was even thought of. I think it might originally be Jack Handy. Doesn't alter the fact that I've advocated this approach to various bosses over the years.

But as this QOTW is about lies on CV's I better scribble something down. This particular one is one that is, alledgedly, somebodies CV/application letter to get into college. And no, it's not mine but I think it's worth reading.

Cheers - Legless

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the areas of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I treated water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and god like trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am as expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a ghow and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:24, Reply)

Not quite but almost
I was six and had heard the word 'prosititute' asked my mom, who was one of life's good guys, what it meant. Her explanation of it as being 'someone who loves people who have no one to love them' - made me think they were like nurses or something and this was therefore a calling or vocation.
Hence my resonse when we were asked in class group discussion what our parents did and what we wanted to do when we grew up....
Young Siouxfan, "My dad is an engineer, my mom is a teacher and I want to be a prostitute"

My poor mom had some majot explaining to do to my intenseley Catholic school head teacher...
(Siouxfan I'm not staring at you, I am just short sighted, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:22, Reply)

I am a linguistic genious....
My CV: "I spent a period of 14 months (August 2003 – September 2004) living and working overseas. I predominantly lived & stayed in Australia but also spent extended periods in South Africa and Hong Kong. I feel I used this time very productively through travel, work and lifestyle. As shown above I completed some significant work contracts for large companies which continued my professional development as well as opening my eyes to international work. I balanced this with a radical change in lifestyle from living in a foreign country. I found I quickly adapted to new environments and enjoyed the new sights and experiences this afforded me."
Translation: I went backpacking for 14 months, then everynight got pissed/stoned on an astounding variety of unfamiliar toxins and somehow managed to cope when I discovered myself living or waking in a new place I didn't recognise. I paid for it with several shit jobs for faceless companies. :-)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 11:11, Reply)

always the perfect man for the job
Ive always had a large element of fiction in my CV- whatever is needed for the job. A few times it's led to some awkward moments, but most jobs arent that difficult unless youre launching space shuttles. I remember a lot of people saying "so you're the Vulcan guru" in one minesite job, which was disconcerting as I'd never even seen the software. For a bloke who has changed careers three times, ive done pretty well. I go by the theory that once they hire you its a lot more difficult to get rid of you. My biggest load of bullshit was one I missed out on, but came close enough that they flew the last three candidates out for a nice weekend. An island in Micronesia was losing its beach and they wanted someone to put a stop to it. It was a lazy high paid job on a tropical island, tax free and worth going for. I instantly became a coastal engineer with 10 years experience in beach conservation. I had two mates give scripted references as fictitious ex-bosses when phoned. Close, but no cigar.
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:57, Reply)

We had a woman
applying for a job at one of my places of employment. We had a call from the HR department to say could we let her use a computer for a while to allow her to type her CV. Six hours later we rang the HR department and said "she's still here" and they told us to print out whatever she'd written and send her on her way.

So we printed it out and sent it up to HR who rang us and said "Did you read this?" so we went and had a look. the first page started "I was concieved in a small house on the outskirts of..." The rest of the first page consisted of a thorough astrological analysis of her parents and concluded with her date and time of birth. The next five pages were a vague discussion of her childhood, and by the time she'd been shown the door she'd only managed to cover her first job sometime in the 1970's
(ceebs, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:57, Reply)

It's not lying, it's omitting
So far, only one of my previous employers know that I used to work for Anglian Home Improvements, trying to get people to have free quote on fascias, soffits and guttering, conservatories, windows, doors, cleanaroof, etc etc etc. And it's the company I'm with at the moment, the only one to not only promote me, but to keep giving me bonuses for working really hard or going above and beyond. Sweet.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award
my cv states that i got a d of e award. this is a lie.

as those of you who have done d of e may know, you have to complete 4 sections: a 2 day trek, physical, skills and community service.

so my friend and i chose care for animals. we worked in a petshop at weekends. one day, the owner left us alone for 5 mins. my friend, whom we shall identify correctly as sam, decided she could cope with cleaning out the canaries.

she could not and one made a desperate bid for freedom.

there followed about 10 mins of benny hill-esque panic as sam chased the terrified feathery little twat around the shop with a net. eventually i told her to leave the poor thing alone. at which point it perched obligingly on the top of the display board in the window. sam could not resist. she pounced once more with the net...

... and shoved it, beak first, into the window, where its poor little neck snapped. there it was, for all the world to see, stuck between the glass and the display board, a dead bird with a broken neck. that only works for a butcher, not a pet shop.

needless to say, we were both booted off the course. but having done the stupid walks, in derbyshire blizzards, with a tent pitched on a 45 degree slope, with a mad cow mooing in pain all night right by my head; having sat through tedious hours of skills to learn criminology; having gone to months of aerobics, i am damned if i am not getting any credit because of sam and a net!

apologies for length, it lasted longer than the canary.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:51, Reply)

Not exactly lying but pretty fucking stupid
I was looking at the CV of guy called Mandi (it's an abbreviation of an Asian name). He'd used an automatic spellchecker on his CV and hadn't even looked at what it had done.

It had changed his name to 'Madness'.
(Pachey, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 10:24, Reply)

Reading a CV
I interviewed a guy once - he had spent 2 years as a "house husband". If he wasn't smart enough to cover that one with a lie he wasnt going to be on my team! i just didn't have any respect for the man.
Oh and I also had to interview an approx. 7 month pregnant woman secretary.
(fuzzynavelnose, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 9:45, Reply)

I wanna stay!!
My CV omits about 18 months worth of illegal work I did here in the UK, as I am now sponsored and if I was found to have been working by those inept fuckers at the Home Office they could deport me....

Instead of working, I was on a career break travelling....
(essbeenz there done that, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 9:41, Reply)

I may get in trouble for this:
A friend of mine has been struggling to get a job for the last few months, he told me he had applied 66 jobs and had only 2 responses.

I asked him to send me his CV, allow me to copy and paste a few exerts:

"P Technology, Kingtown - November 2003 - May 2004
As an employee of Pars tech it was my job to build, from components, up to 12 tower pcs per day. Due to the tables in the work room not conforming to health and safety standards I sustained nerve damage in the lower back and right leg. After taking 2 weeks off on doctors orders Pars terminated my employment stating that I hadn't completed my 6 month robationary period to a high enough standard to extend my contract. Since my leaving Pars tech had the benches raised."

And another gem:

"Blockbuster, Leighton Buzzard - October 1999 -November 1999
Serving the general public via computerized till work, re-alphabetizing sections for something to do during quiet periods"

And finally:

"Homebase, Milton Keynes - October 2001 - December 2001
More till work, not a very challenging job and as a result I left to seek more stimulating employment."

I think in my friends case, lying would be the better option!
(Minty Hit, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 9:32, Reply)

My friend Ed...
...mentions on his CV that he spent 18 months after leaving school working at 'Life Sciences' but curiously omits to prefix the name of his then-employer with its real initial word, which is, of course, 'Huntingdon'.
( drdavej, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 9:31, Reply)

Hmmm
A couple of points from my CV..

I have passed my A Levels, GNVQs and all my GCSEs.

The 2 years I spent getting fired from every job I had are now listed as the period in which I was a full time carer, assisting in my father's recovery from a 'stroke'.

The rest of my CV is made up of 'temp' contracts via agencies (the reality is that I have had 32 full-time permanent jobs since leaving school and have been fired from 27 of those).

I list my interests as web design (I once made a geocities page with some pirated software linked to it), skiing (although I only went once), going to the gym (I believe I spend about 6 months going regularly…in 1996), socialising (getting wankered with my mates on Jack n' coke).

My referees are my 2 best mates who have been primed and forewarned.

Ahh it's all good! :)

Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!
(small-non-bearded-gentleman-of-indistinguishable-origin, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 9:01, Reply)