A naked American man stole my balloons.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 28 Oct 2016, 22:32, 1 reply)

Years ago...
My mate and I were on our way to a fancy dress party, both of us dressed as coppers. We decided it would be a laugh to see if we could actually pull someone over, and when some random cretin screamed past us at 140mph then pulled up at the lights about 100 yards down the road, well, we had our man.

Thing was, when we got to the car, there was a nervous and slightly teary 10 yr old girl in the passenger seat. The driver must have been in a slightly panicked state, because he immediately blurted out that this wasn't his daughter, and he was "babysitting".

Starting to feel like we may have accidentally stumbled upon something quite sinister and our 'joke' may well be about to turn extremely sour, we tentatively asked about the nature of their relationship, and before you can say "entirely fictional", the guy's lost it. The red mist descended and he tore out of the car and pummeled straight into me. I ended up with a black eye, a split lip, a bloody nose and, if I'm honest, a bit of a semi.

Then he reached into his pocket and retrieved his phone, which was apparently recording. No idea why. He switched it off, got back in his car and drove away.

Still don't fully understand what happened, but the incident haunts me to this day.
(Joy Division Oven Gloves Death to false metal
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Tue 25 Oct 2016, 20:31, 6 replies)

Here's a criminal story. B3ta and QOTW. Are shit and criminally milking to death a shit idea

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Tue 25 Oct 2016, 0:04, 5 replies)

When I lived in Notting Hill I was invited to the "Paddington Railway Workers Club" by a mate who was a member
It was just a normal pub inside, and seemed to be mostly off-work taxi drivers. About once every hour or so some chancer would appear in the vestibule between the inner and outer doors. The manager wouldn't let them come inside. And they'd have on them some stuff they'd just nicked. If you wanted you go out there and haggle with them. It was all pretty random loot. 20 blue onepieces from baby Gap. Pots and pans. A used circular saw. It was a side of London you don't normally see
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 24 Oct 2016, 23:30, 1 reply)

Bastard copper...
So, I'm out in the car. My cousin, who was about 10 at the time, was sat in the passenger seat as I was "babysitting" (for want of a better expression) that day.

Needless to say, as 10-year-olds tend to to, she's egging me on to drive faster and faster. We got to about 140mph along a stretch of dual carriageway before I had to ease off as traffic was building up ahead. Anyway, with the speed down to about 80mph, the blue flashing lights appeared in my mirror and I get pulled over.

The usual script gets read out, about how "dangerous" it is etc etc... "and how would you feel if your daughter there got hurt?" (To be fair, she does look like she could be.)

Automatically I said "she's not my daughter". Before I could finish my sentence with "she's my cousin", this little twat of a copper said "oh right, your girlfriend, you look like a paedo to me".

Needless to say, this did not sit well with me, and the red mist descended. By the time his colleage had got out of the car and held me back, Plod was on the floor, me having repeatedly lamped him in the head. He had a black eye, a split lip and a bloody nose.

Backup arrived, and I retrieved my phone from my pocket, stopped it recording and played the recording back to the uniforms who had arrived. They let me go as soon as they heard it.

Needless to say, Plod whined to the CPS and I got a summons for a. speeding, and b. assaulting a police officer. It gets to court. The recording gets played - at which point the CPS withdraw their case.

I get awarded costs, the copper gets sacked.
(RabidRodent I'm the person your mother warned you about, Mon 30 Sep 2013, 17:46, Ignore, closed)
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 24 Oct 2016, 13:00, 18 replies)

This Really Happened
Myself and two mates were pulled over in car by local five O... nothing on us but we were a bit pissed off cos it was the third time in two weeks...

Mate1: (to copper) Is it true that if I was to swear at you, say, call you a cunt you could arrest me?
Cop: (very stern)Yes
Mate1: But if was to think that a copper's a cunt there's nothing they could do is there?
Cop: That's right
Mate1: (pauses, mutters "right, right" to himself then walks a bit closer to the copper and talks right into his face)In that case I think you're a cunt.

Fan-fucking-tastic. Cue barrels of laughter from us and a very red-faced copper who's just realised that he actually gave his express permission to have the piss taken
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sat 22 Oct 2016, 13:12, 11 replies)

( broadsword w⚓, Sat 22 Oct 2016, 11:29, Reply)

This question was posted one month ago today
Renaming this board /qotm now
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 21 Oct 2016, 7:12, 5 replies)

My Mum Lived on a Quiet Little Close Where Not Much Happened and the Neighbours Were Generally OK
Then a woman across the way who my mum babysat for got her throat slashed in the local and promptly died.

Oh, and the next door neighbour's stepson, the "quiet one" of their troublesome brood, got done for rape and attempted murder years after offences were committed when the authorities finally got around to doing forensics on the spunk he shot over the poor victim while she lay bleeding and battered.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Fri 14 Oct 2016, 0:16, Reply)

Dull Anecdote Time...
My late Nan's neighbour's son was a criminal mastermind. One afternoon many years ago he was spotted ripping the lead flashing off her roof and duly scarpa'd. We were on good terms with his mum. Within 10 minutes he was back apologising and trying to make out it wasn't him at the same time.
(GonkHerder, Wed 12 Oct 2016, 13:20, 2 replies)

Bloke round here got 12 month for scrumping apples
Well, technically he nicked a load of iPhones, but it's much the same.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 12 Oct 2016, 12:49, 3 replies)

i live in Liverpool

( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 11 Oct 2016, 17:23, 10 replies)

I was recently in court.

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 10 Oct 2016, 23:04, 2 replies)

I once rented a flat right next to Newark castle and Michael Sams' workshop where he held Julie Dart (murdered with hammer) and Stephanie Slater (released after multiple rapings). My girlfriend at that time had massive tits.

( Jabberwoc misses D.R. and Quinch, Mon 10 Oct 2016, 22:58, 3 replies)

He was a really nice bloke
www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cumbria-14345550

used to come round frequently and offered an easy route to scholarship at the school where he worked - what could be kinder than that? Furthermore I got to spend a whole weekend with him showing me all the kinds of things that you could do at 'posh school'. Ah well. No harm done apparently.
(gearanach #wankwankwank, Sat 8 Oct 2016, 13:38, Reply)

Miss "J" sometimes gets stabby
2 doors down from me lives a quiet lady who spends most of her waking time either shopping with her dad or in the house with her headphones on.

About 15 years ago she was living a normal life until her partner decided to fuck her best friend. Catching them literally in the act of "Hide the Porky" resulted in her grabbing a knife and stabbing him to death there and then. Obviously this was a bit of a no-no; J was sectioned and was found to have massive anger swings so a swift prescription of pills and regular monitoring etc come into play. A few years past of good behavior and taking into account she now has no reason to get all "Chucky" she's been given a house in public and allowed to mingle again.

In fairness I get on great with her, you know, when she's not stabbing. And also when her old friend wasn't visiting.

She had a "lover" for a bit called Ernie. I'll call him this as he's dead now (poor bugger died of cancer about 5 years ago) but at least he went out with a bang. He used to regularly turn up at her house shouting for her from outside and occasionally going in for dodgy sex. Sometimes they didn't even bother going in the house; they'd just fuck in the front garden ("Morning! Lovely weather we're having here! Ah, I see you've gone for the doggy classic, excellent choice sir, by the way, green bags this week.")

She still lives there and keeps to herself, although the last thing I heard was she was in a relationship with some prison guy in America by mail. Stabby.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 7 Oct 2016, 18:14, 3 replies)

My Dad used to nick Biscuits from the corner shop when they were closed by putting his arm through the letter box.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 7 Oct 2016, 3:00, 11 replies)

Worked with Ian Huntleys brother for a number of years
.
( M o D, Thu 6 Oct 2016, 20:19, 1 reply)

my mum's boss's brother pulled over on the motorway coming back from a dinner party and strangled his wife to death
to be fair she was a bit of a nag. Did 10 years inside. See him occasionaly at parties. He has a new woman
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 4 Oct 2016, 23:02, 1 reply)

I went to school with Peter Tobin's son
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_Tobin
( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Tue 4 Oct 2016, 16:08, 10 replies)