Not a local nutter but nutters none the less
Ok im on a coach on the way home, its been a very long (8 hour) trip and its coming up to the final few stops so theres only about 6 passengers on said coach. All of a sudden im aware that the bloke sat behind me has gone to sleep, then im aware that this bloke talks in his sleep and is having an agument with custard. yep thats right he's sat there alseep shouting 'FUCK OFF CUSTARD, CUSTARD FUCK OFF'
but thats not the end of it. I then notice another bloke sitting behind me on the opposite side calmly taking a newspaper ripping it up into thin strips and then placing them in a tesco carrier bag (if anyone has seen the langoliers by steven king you'll know why this is extra weird).
anyway i couldnt get off that bus quick enough when my stop came round.
(Absynth&Cheese Have you tasted my Jesus, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 19:37, Reply)

Brompton man + Kingston Rasta
1. Brompton man - I work in a bike shop, we have a frequent customer known as 'brompton man', so called because he rides a brompton...it's a kind of bike, anyway..he smells really bad and talks very loudly and repeats everything at least 5 times, it's always very difficult to get him to leave the shop at the end of the day. My boss once told him 'fuck off we're closed', to which he replied 'that's not a very nice thing to say' and continued blabbing on about whatever he was talking about. RETAILERS, BEWARE BROMPTON MAN.

2. Kingston Rasta - The resident local nutter, mr. kingston rasta is a very smelly big fat rastafarian man who drools alot, normally wears some kind of fancy dress such as top hat and tails or cycling shorts, and wanders the streets of kingston loudly voicing his private thoughts about anybody he happens to pass by. For instance, he once approached me exclaiming 'EHHH MON, YOU'RE QUITE GOOD LOOKING AREN'T YOU! BUT YOU DON'T LOOK VERY RICH, THAT GIRL'S PRETTY ISN'T SHE! BUT DYA KNOW WHY SHE'S WITH THAT BALD MAN AND NOT YOU, IT'S COS HE'S RICH AND YOU'VE GOT NO MONEY!
:-( *sniffle*
(Peet, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 18:35, Reply)

No apologies for length coz I'm a whore like that.
In Cheshunt, Herts, a tres boring town...

I live in the middle of two nutjob houses. And the special bus comes every day and takes them away, and delivers them back again. Odd sounds coming from both sides. One one side, there is:

-1 x hugely obese 28 year old who still thinks she's 5. This woman is close to 30 stone I believe, and by God she's scary. She constantly dresses in short silk/lace nightgown thingies, and will frequently run out of the house at the best speed she can for something that resembles fourteen white elephants, and promptly lays down in the playground of the local primary school.
-1 x 17 year old girl, skinny as fuck, who likes to hang out with 5 year old girls and teach them all she can about lesbianism.
-1 x 40 year old slapper who dresses in leaopard skin and spends all her time over the pub. Normal, yes, but still deranged.
-1 x stuffed corpse in a wheelchair. Her 'beloved' father.

To make it worse, this group always leave their doors wiiiiiiiide open for all and sundry to see.

On the other side, there's an oddly thin woman who spends all day and night in her van outside as far as I can tell. Not doing anything, just staring at the sky and occasionally grinning widely. She lives with her husband (who I'm pretty sure beats her) who keeps a wide variety of birds and bees and tries to force them to breed together.

And I live smack bang between them both. There's always an ambulance/police/fire/special vehicle outside, and it serves for great amusement.

At my stables, there's a loud, scary scottish bloke with hair shaved off and ripped out in tufts and patches, coke-bottle glasses and a habit of spitting verywhere and blinking too much. He wanders around aimlessly, talking to himself and will occasionaly get very irate (with himself, obviously) and I've had to rescue himself from the other 'self' which was a pitchfork wielding maniac as he tried to batter himself round the head or stab his own abdomen with it on more than one occasion! Nic eneough guy though.

Have been told that there's a batty old lady down a friend's street whom, like Micheal above, argues with herself and subtly tries to spy on the neighbours. About as subtly as a whale humping a Jack Russel.

....And there goes my posting virginity.
(mercary, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 16:23, Reply)

Nutters
I live in a small town outside Glasgow which should be twinned with Royston Vasey. Our local nutter is Jackie Brady who gets washed once a year, (when the local priest gives him food and a bath!), so smells like shite on toast! Legend goes that his wife drowned when in the bath so he swore an oath to Jebus to resist soap forever, (i think the priest is a loophole). He is rumoured to be a millionaire despite the fact his income is generated by knocking on people's doors and collecting empty glass bottles to redeem the 20p for his efforts!
(campvamp, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 15:32, Reply)

Rentro:
Shoebury's full of people who are completely hatstand, a few more wouldn't look out of place.
(underachiever, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 14:17, Reply)

The Wigston Watcher....
Where i live is a very strange man who scares the be-jesus out of me. He doesnt seem to have a home as he spends most of his time hanging out in the local shops, carrying a plastic bag full of cans of Iron-bru....

He follows you home and asks you the time every 2 or 3 minutes and then when they see your Dad he mysteriously know your name and always aske who you are. Its like having my own personal stalker.

My mate once saw him running down the road clutching an empty can of iron-bru using it as a walky talkie shouting that:
'They were going to get him'
and that the police were following him because of an alien abduction that had recently happened.
( squiddylyd Once you pop you can't stop!, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 12:31, Reply)

Ho hum
There used to be a guy that walked along the road outside our house carrying fox gloves and muttering to himself.

I always thought he was just into horticulture. I was warned 'not to go out on my bike when he was around'. Presumably for fear of him aggrivating my hayfever or curing my heart problem.

I know they are poisonous if you get an overdose of the toxins, but it would have been a nice image, him chasing me down the road waving a bunchful at me.
( just a man sitting on a chair eating a biscuit, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 12:28, Reply)

local nutters
We have a small army of local nutters...I think the area attracts them to the seaside town of Blackpool they all seem to end up here..My favorite is RUNNING BACKWARDS MAN who can be seen doing just that in the town centre. People stop just to watch him running up and down the town centre running in and out of shops backwards. The scary thing is its not even a backwards jog it is a full speed running backward sprint between shop windows. Aged between 40 - 60 dressed in a full length coat and flat cap neatly attired and clean shaven. You can go 3 or four months without seeing him then bang there he is again,first saw him round about 1990 and once twice a year since then saw him again last year..I wonder if he is on holiday and that that expains the gaps or is he on day release on his better days? best time to see him is the run up to christmas never seen him fall or bump into anyone I have seen him bring the town centre to a standstill as people stand agog.
( floored_genius a product of the jesus christ superstore., Sun 19 Sep 2004, 11:29, Reply)

The Holy PreacherMan

When I was a kid, there was one nutter who spent his days angrily yelling out passages from a bible as he walked the streets of downtown. Most of the time, he seemed completely oblivious of his surroundings, and unaware even if anyone was listening to his biblical rantings.

But from time to time some poor soul would attract his holy wrath, and he would stride up to them with forefinger outstretched, shouting at the top of his lungs:

"DOWN ON YOUR KNEES, SINNER!!! REPENT!!! PRAY TO THE LORD, THAT HE MAY HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!!!"

He would go on like this for some time -- he was actually quite good at it -- usually until his victim ran away in sheer terror.

He scared the living shit out of me.
(arvana, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 7:42, Reply)

More creepy than a nutter
This was a guy, Butmin, that lived in my college house. He was 45 to our 18, 19, 20 and was very strange. He was still in college-he'd study a subject until he was ABD and then abandon it to start over and keep his grant.

He was convinced we harlots were trying to tempt him--we'd walk past buttoned up to the neck in dowdy flannel and he'd jump up to point and screech we were flaunting our "young ripe breasts" in front of him.

The creepiest part was later when the police showed up at the house to question Butmin about letters he'd written to the neighbor girls sunbathing on their roofs, something about how he knew they wanted him and he would come to them by night. Later he was arrested for writing much of the same to the 11 year old daughter of some friends, telling her he would wait for her and they were destined to marry.....

Ick.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Sun 19 Sep 2004, 1:32, Reply)

Headbanger Trev
When i was eight we had a kid in our class called Trevor, who it turned out, had "special needs". When he wasn't calling the teacher all kinds of unpleasant things that most of us other eight year olds hadn't even heard of, or making weird noises, he would neatly fold his arms on his desk and then proceed to bang his head on them for hours at a time. At the end of that school year, our teacher decided to give up teaching and went off to have a nervous breakdown somewhere. Trevor started the next school year with a series of pen-knife-point muggings for other kids dinner money (including my little brothers), and was swiftly relocated to the special school up the road. I wonder which high-security prison he's in now?
(underachiever, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 21:53, Reply)

may not count but who givesashit?
just for the fuck of it,lets call him Andrew(for thats his name).He IS a cunt and crazy.he went to school with me for a year and then my bro the year after.heres a list of why he was a cunt;
-He repetitively asked to see our pubes-
-he called me a try hard when i had a mohawk on a dare-
-every time he came to my house(thank you bro)he asked if we could watch south park the movie when it was my room and my dvd and when i refused and put on a good movie he yawned and kicked me-
-he still rings us because my bro found a "Fully sick subwoofer" in a trash pickup-
-he thinks he's better than me at all the games i have because his sister has an xbox with halo and a snowboarding game-
-if you don't agree with something he says and
-my brother has just informed me that he is in a wanking club with three other guys-
-he also says its bad not to wank(?!)-
-he wants to kill turtles-
-while on a field trip to sydney for 2 days the first thing he did when he got there was wank-
-he talks to people who aren't there-
thing is he's only 13 years old
we have just formulated a plan to yell "cereal boax!!" whenever he calls.
sorry if that doesn't count but i really nreeded to get that out of my system
(That guy with a hat., Sat 18 Sep 2004, 20:24, Reply)

Theres this one guy
Runs around town all day screaming about wanking and kittens with no hands, says he has a website Pfft! that fucker probably doesn't even own a computer

here's the maniac now
(Human, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:43, Reply)

Nutters in my town
Well there is the woman who pissed on the seats down my local. She did it three times in one evening, and the when told to leave stole the cutlery and condiments from the food service area, and called the barman a slag. She came back the next day and had to be escorted off the premises (though this i didn't see)

Then there is the bloke who sniffs and licks the CD's and DVD's in MVC. I am honestly not making that up.

Then there is Busman. A drunk old man who smells of piss and is constantly out of head due to excess alcohol consumption. He spends his days chattering incessantly about bollocks to those who have the misfortune of sitting next to him on the fine puiblic transport. He also flirts with young ladies who always look scared by him. I don't blame them. He fucking terrifies me.
(spookyfish, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:12, Reply)

Just this morning
I am at a school function volunteering when this man who works there stares straight at me, as if he is annoyed that I'm not doing something he expects me to do. After a few seconds of general staring, he says, "Hey, hey, are you busy?"
me: "No, not at all, in fact; I'm looking for someone who needs help."
him: "Oh, in that case, don't bother. Oh, nevermind: I need you to get me my coat."
me, flummoxed: "err..."
Him: "Oh, wait, you're breaking up. Hold on." He then proceeds to take a mobile phone out of his pocket. This whole time he's been looking at me, talking on his mobile with an ear bud.
Luckily I don't believe anyone noticed I had said anything. And he kept up such a convincing act.

fucker.
(Corn Dog, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:10, Reply)

mad malik
sorry he hangs out in Small heath , birmingham...
(Punkrockbilly, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:03, Reply)

Mad Malik
we have a local nutter called mad malik who dances on various street corners with a walkman which apparently has no batteries in he also been known to throw various objects at passing vehicles hes great, he even has his own website.

www.findingmalik.com
(Punkrockbilly, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:01, Reply)

Various town nutters
They may have already been mentioned.

In Bradford, there is this old guy who dresses in a monks habit and even the old guys in this pub I used to work in claim that he has looked the way he does for 40 odd years.

In Peterborough there is the famous charlie, who lives in a bus shelter and wanders around town. Stories behind him are that he invented the modem, but let his son burn to death so could not stand to be inside four walls ever again.

There also used to be mad tracey, who was a former junkie, but now was tapped and told everyone she is a counsellor for gay people. If asked to leave a pub, she would claim that she was going to get the place closed down. She also used to flash at builders before stealing their pints. She was totally barred from Peterborough city centre, but remained going there.

There used to be this guy called Joss in Stoney stratford, (part of Milton keynes sort of) he was mad, but I cannot really remember what he did. If someone remembers please tell me.
(Finn_coyote, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 19:00, Reply)

many many many in my locality
There is a concentration of them in Hinckley in Leicestershire, to name but a few there is irish jeff who legend has it he was a bare nuckle boxer and now a alcholic who spends his days in the library full of cheap cider growling at people.

There is 'love shine a light' man, who seems to march around the town centre singing songs at the top of his voice it just happends the first time i saw he was 'singing' love shine a light by catrina and the waves!

There is also Dr Robotnic, who is supprisingly the spitting image of Dr Robotnic and whizzes around on his motorised scooter with complete disregard for perdestrians and road users alike
( kenyan dave, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 18:56, Reply)

Nutters.....weeeellllllll.....
I don't know why no-one's mentioned it, but we're
on a board full of the feckers!!!

Soz!
( loonybean giving as good as he gets since, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 17:14, Reply)

Nutter is As Nutter Does
As I live in three of the most nutball-infested parts of the globe (USA, California, and San Francisco), it is hard to pick a favorite, but...

Upon arriving here many years ago there was a thin, filthy little man who would walk up to things and yell, "I HATE YOU!!". His usual attire was low-slung dungarees (emphasis on the dung) and a (formerly) pink bra. Every morning I would eat breakfast at a local cafe he was outside, going up to each tree in succession and berating it loudly, letting it and all around know in no uncertain terms just how much he hated each one. Makes you appreciate your crap job and shoebox apartment a bit more, you know?

Close runner up was the big homeless guy who would sing out in his loud, polished operatic baritone about how some bastard was hitting on his lady and so he had to kill the motherfucker. Never did find out what the tune was, though. I think it might have been Copeland.

And when I was growing up, we had this local boy who "made good"; later we found out he was a paranoid racist jew-baiting wife-beating homophobe who was considered mad as a dancing warthog by most of his closest advisors. He ended up committing several heinous crimes against the country and was forced to resign from the Presidency. What a Dick.
(meatybrain, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 17:06, Reply)

"3 for 2"
There is a couple that come into the Morrisons where I work. They wear mathching purple shell suits and have really greasy hair. They go round asking every worker about every possible thing. It took me 10 minutes to explain the concept of "3 for 2". Apparantly the female is now pregnant, so when she gives birth, hopefully she will understand what 3 for 2 means!
(wonderbrawl was pronounced dead on, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 17:01, Reply)

RE: Cheltenham, Bath Road area
Derek is indeed a comical firgure in Cheltenham. My mother used to work in Lloyds Bank on Bath Road and he was a regular for walking past, smelling of wee and laughing at the customers as the damp patch on his trousers grew bigger. Absolutely minted mind. As all nutters are.
(daverule Poobumwobblebottynobnobsex, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 16:51, Reply)

oh oh, just remembered one!
If there are any Crewe-ites here that lived up/around Nantwich Road or Kings Grove High School at any point between about 1998 and 2003 (dont know if shes still around) then youll know the ridiculously old flabby pierced hot pant and bikini in any weather wearing old bag. Shes got it all pierced and it shows. It hangs, it sags and it "clinks". Not so weird, self expression an not ashamed of your skanky body etc but she really did look humiliated if you looked her in the eye, kindof "Im really really sorry" vibe.
(carpediem, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 16:39, Reply)

Whats Cooking?
Theres a guy in bury who wanders round the place looking generally disturbed, mumbling to himself, and if you say to him "What's cooking?" he actually attacks you.

He was something of an urban legend around my town as a kid, no-one really believed in him, but Me and my mate Nick met him once. He was in boots and Nick bent down and pretended to tie his shoelaces (so he wouldnt see him) and shouted "Whats cooking?", and he totally fuckin flipped out and went for him. A security guard intervened, and "Whats cooking?" ran out of the shop.

There are various stories as to why he doesnt like people saying it. One is that he used to work in a cafe called "Whats Cooking" that used to be near the leisure centre in Bury and that he was fired for having sex with a bacon sandwich. The other that I remember was that he actually burnt his house down with his family inside it (or his house burnt down with his family inside it...). Either way, the guy is not mentally balanced.

My conclusion: Complete fucking nutter.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sat 18 Sep 2004, 16:17, Reply)

Corn Man
Theres a guy in Lancaster who, at seemingly random times of the week, goes around putting little piles of corn in corners. To this day I dont know why. I thought at first maybe he works for the council or something, and the corn contained pigeon pellets, but then it dawned on me that Ive seen him doing it at about 3am before now, not what you would consider normal working hours... and he doesnt have any sort of uniform either. He just seems to wander round in scruffy clothing with a big fuckin rucksack on his back, filled with corn. The other thing I noticed was that he doesnt put corn in places you would expect to find a lot of pigeons. For example, I once saw him making a neat little pile of corn in the corner of someones garage doorway down a little sidestreet. If you were after pigeons, surely it would be more logical to put piles of corn in the town centre? but I havent seen one there yet...

My conclusion: Complete fucking nutter.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sat 18 Sep 2004, 16:08, Reply)

My dear friend John.
A local loon not far from here has earned himself the name "Gizafag John"(John, my dear, could I trouble you for a cancer stick, old boy? is the rough translation)

I dont even know if his name is John to begin with, but as it happens, he gets ever so slightly fucked off if you run up to him shout "GIZAFAG, JOHN!" and run away again. He chases you for bloody miles the nasty old codger.


Another one is Don the Tramp. Don lives in some abandoned playing field changing rooms called "The Pavillion" If you go within 300 feet of his accomidation he throws broken pieces of toilet at you. Trouble is, I have to walk less than 30 feet from his humble abode to get to college. I saw a knife fly past once, I swear to god.


Apologies for length, girth and circumference.
(Captain Togo: the problem with heroin is its just so moreish, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 16:00, Reply)

well this qualifies.
I happen to live next door to a pair of rabbits. The walls of our houses are very thin, so their shreiks of pleasure somehow echo all around my house. It's quite disturbing sometimes. They could a couple that practise the 'art' of figging. o_O

Though I do admit me and Mr. Katteh have some sort of 'competition' with them now.
(Katteh, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 15:41, Reply)

weirdo..
I was on a date last summer, and we went and parked in his car next to the seafront and were about to get out when some weirdo walks past. He is pushing a trolley full of bags etc and carrying a portable cd player over his arm, with some dance music and is nodding his head. He was obviously drunk and I didn't think that much of it...

Until I looked down and realised his trousers were round his knees and everyone could see his cock and his filthy arse. He didn't seem to notice. Ugh..
(Borderline Schizo, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 15:24, Reply)

Two more and that's yor lot
The Mad Midget who hung about the pharmacy counter in Boots in Cardiff shouting at ladies and...
Me and a mate in smoking section in a caf. Perfectly normal looking woman sat down right next to me when there were loads of empty seats. Me and mate start discussing the death of a fictitious relative but she didn't take the hint. When her food arrived I sparked up a fag which she asked me to put out. When I refused and pointed out the non-smoking bit was upstairs she went ape. " You don't know who you're dealing with" she screamed. "We know people who will kill you!" In the end she had her food taken off her and was kicked to the kerb. (shudders)
( Geoff the Clownfish You know Myra, some people might think you're cute, Sat 18 Sep 2004, 15:08, Reply)