Condoms.......the devils friend
I was seeing this girl back in the day who was a virgin, when she finally decided we could have sex she only had one rule....wear a condom, now back then I was not up for wear one and tried the 'your first time should be magical' crap but it fell on deaf ears. After the deed had been done I went to take it off and thats when I noticed....the top of the condom was missing !!!! not wanting to alarm the young lady and ruin any future sex we had I decided not to tell her. 2 days later I get a call from her Mum, the girl had went to the toilet and had her period (first after having sex) but on this occasion a rather large section of rubber looking goop came out, in a blind panic the girl runs down stairs in tears to tell her Mum at which point she rushes her to the hospital (they take the goop to show the doctor) at which point they are informed it's the top on a used condom. I never hear from here after this.........
(suntoucher, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 13:21, Reply)

LOST, stolen more like
I once lost a fine and hard collection of rag mags, which turned up in my dad's chest of drawers. Being 15 years old i couldn't exactly demand them back, and more to the point i was shocked with my dad choking the old gopher over my already sticky pages. Ugh.
(crimpalength, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 12:29, Reply)

Lost pink dildo
I was walking mthrough town one day and i found a dildo in the gentlemans bathroom problem was it was pink i thought why would men have dildos well pink dildos for that matter
(masuvu, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 11:47, Reply)

keys and teeth
My gran was pretty forgetful, and was forever losing her keys (amongst other things) - car keys, house keys, any keys. Being a kind and loving family, we bought her one of those 'whistle and I'll beep' keyfinders.
I think the poor machine must have beeped more often than beckham's mobile in the few weeks it was put to use.
Sadly, its beeping days were cut short when one day my gran was looking for her keys, tried to whistle, and realised she couldn't - because she'd also lost her teeth. Sigh.
(coderboi, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 10:54, Reply)

lost meself
...blinded by welders flash with patches on my eyes, i wandered out of the hospital and into the middle of a busy street. don't know where my friends were. an old lady pulled me aside and i spent the next two days listining to isaac asimov's foundation trilogy in that horrible steven hawking computer voice, drunk. quite bizzare but fun nonetheless.
(goorf, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 10:45, Reply)

i know a little boy who lost some money
Last year, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute
Xmas Shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very
fondly of the Christmas season. It was dark, cold, and wet in
the multi story Car park, i noticed that i was missing the
parking receipt which i would need To get out of the car park
without paying, so mumbling under my breath, i Retraced my steps
to the shopping centre entrance.

As i was searching the wet pavement, i heard a quiet sobbing.
The crying was Coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 10
years old. He was short and Thin. He had no coat. He was just
wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect Him from the cold
evenings chill.He was holding two fifty pound notes in his
hand.Thinking that he had got Lost from his parents, i asked
him what was wrong and he told me his sad Story.

He came from a large family. His father had died when he was seven
years Old. His mother worked two full time jobs to make ends meet.
Nevertheless, She had managed to scrimp and save two hundred pounds
to buy her children Christmas presents.

The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her
second Job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his
brothers and Sisters and save just enough to take the bus home. He

Had not even entered The shopping centre, when an older boy grabbed
Two of his fifty pound notes And disappeared into the night.
"why didn't you scream for help?" i asked.

The boy said, "i did."
"and Nobody came to help you?" the boy stared at the ground and
sadly shook his Head. "how loud did you scream?" i enquired. The
soft-spoken boy looked up And meekly whispered, "help me!"

I realised that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry
for Help.So i grabbed his other two fifty pound notes and fucked off.
( Munky Boy today I am back., Fri 10 Dec 2004, 10:40, Reply)

My mind
'cos I was on the piss untl 4 this morning and still came in to work.
(Joons, Fri 10 Dec 2004, 9:32, Reply)

amazongirl
Woo AND yay to you. Good work!
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 23:58, Reply)

A wheely bin too!
This is to betty swollocks - while living in the chaviest parts of cheltenham, me and my housemates had our bin stolen on 3 seperate occasions and on each occasion it was full up too - on drunken escapades home we would steal other people's bin after we had fallen victim to the bin stealer - but after the third occasion we thought some one must really dislike us - so we stopped caring and stealing and decent sanitary etiquette
(multipac, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 23:07, Reply)

When I were a nipper
...I had a full set of MANTA ships. These were huge plastic spaceships with a plethora of colour-coded troops arranged inside. As I said, I had the full set, virtually gave every troop a name, and the love and pride I felt to these men in uniform was quite frankly suspect.
Then one day my brother lost one of the figures, an important one, a Lieutenant or something. All was ruined. They weren't the same any more. Sure they were physically there, but I knew it was all a fraud: there was one missing. Furious, I stopped playing with them overnight and moved on to whatever young boys do next.
I learned a lesson about materialism that night, specifically, the folly of giving your love to material objects. Everything breaks or is lost eventually. So why bother?
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 21:08, Reply)

Over a stone in weight this year
YAY!
More will be oming off after christmas
*fetches the chainsaw*
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 20:01, Reply)

Rampant stupidity
I went to see Sly and the Family Stone when I was about 16. There was a cloakroom at the club, so I took off my new black leather coat and put it on a hanger. Surprise - when I came back to the cloakroom hours later, it was gone! Imagine that! I left the club a slightly smarter guy, and shivered all the way home.

Thirty-five years later, a guy came into my athletic club, took off his 3/4 length leather coat and put it on a hanger in the coat rack. He changed and went for a workout. I found out later that when he returned, his coat was gone. Whoever stole it fished his car keys out of a pocket, strode into the parking lot and pressed a button. The guy's Jaguar said "I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, DUDE!" So the thief jumped in and drove away.
(Just a stub, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 18:56, Reply)

I've lost the remote to the TV
what annoys me about that is that people are more than happy to spend ages looking for it but cant be bothered to just get up and change the channel normally.
(Genghis_kahn, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:49, Reply)

I lost
a pair of D&G grunts to a hen party while drunk at The Three Sisters in Edinburgh one summer. Luckily they were clean on.
(Mr. Partyhat, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:32, Reply)

i lost....
my friends :( they decided the'd met someone better than me
i didn't need them anyway! shallow bastards
(honourarybiscuit, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:28, Reply)

Just This Morning
I settled down for a nice long dump, but when I looked in the pan afterwards, it was nowhere to be seen

I told the police I'd been turd burgled but they just put down the phone. . .
(le renard, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:24, Reply)

my heart
to a starship trooper
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:14, Reply)

Numerous sets of keys
On quite a few occasions I've lost keys, only for them to turn up in the door. One day, i found one set in the lock and another in the knob, and I was carrying a third set.

Needless to say my keys have a belt loop hook now.
(dr3wrocks, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 16:13, Reply)

my virginity
but i didnt really need it
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 15:36, Reply)

not me, but a mate...
lost one and a half toes of his right foot in an motorbike accident.

during his time in st. thomas he was all drugged up on morphium and when the dude who brought breakfast came around and asked in his west indies accent "wan' some toas'?" he would answer "yes, one and a half please!"
( bierbelly, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 15:00, Reply)

Socks
Everytime I wash said garments I end up with at least 1 missing from its pair. I have a drawer full of odd socks in the vain hope their mates magically turn up 6 months down the line.
(KidMoe, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 14:48, Reply)

Switch Card
Losing it once would be fine, acceptable even. I may get these out of order, but I think it went something like this. At a festival, jumping around, bumbag (nerdy but oh so practical when your only non-jeans and nice and cool on a hot summers day trousers come with tiny rubbish pockets) is slightly open. Kiss £75 oroton wallet goodbye - farewell gift from mates in Oz. Luckily, I'm paranoid so cash was in separate pouch of bumbag. Get new switch. Go to club. In new trousers with silly vertical zippy pockets. Wallet falls out in cab rank on way home when go for fags. Get new switch. Go clubbing again, sensible trousers, decide wallets are bad. So stick switch card into cellophane wrapper of fag packet. Smoke like chimney, bin empty packet (despite REMEMBER SWITCH CARD'S IN FAGS written on the back of both hands). Get new switch. Quit smoking. Go to Prague. Get mugged. Get new switch. Forget pin when using 'I'll eat your card' cashpoint. Get new switch. All in the space of about 4 months. I think I've forgotten a couple. I'm was up to issue 7. This one was in danger of actually running out, but now they sent me chip'n'pin one. Damn their eyes.
(I am the infinite monkey!, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 14:39, Reply)

Oi, Bono!
Have you tried looking under t'Edge's hat? He's definitely hiding something under there...
(fogbat, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 13:09, Reply)

30 quid
Went to a cash machine, entered PIN, pressed the right buttons. Went on to autopilot mode and walked off with my card, but left the money dangling out of the machine.

I think a bunch of chavs stood nearby made off with it.
( Reckless_Rik, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 12:14, Reply)

Hello, Bono here
I lost something, and I still haven't found it. Even singing doesn't help. I am a twat.
(richard pye, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 11:01, Reply)

my friends
but i suppose i deserved it...
(HalfwayHebrew, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 1:59, Reply)

lost key too...
surfing at lennox head in NSW a year ago, tied the gf's carkey to the little string in the boardies pocket. 2 hours later no key. volvo impossible to break into, even the NRMA guy couldn't do it. had to hitch back to byron (3 mal's on the roof of a ford laser...), then hire a car to get us back to brisbane. then the gf's mum had to post a key up from melbs, then gf had to drive back down to byron, then hitch to lennox to get car (which no-one else had been able to break into either), and drive back up to brissie. that's a shiteload of driving. then i lost the gf a while later (unrelated incident, i think).
(toronaga, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 1:50, Reply)

My uncle..
Seriously, just a couple of days ago. He went to the hospital for surgery, then apparently he was drugged and wandered off. The hospital lost him, so it wasn't really me, but I found that amusing.

He should turn up soon.
(Fodqou, Thu 9 Dec 2004, 1:01, Reply)

Leeds Festyval
Managed to lose my phone, and my wallet with about £70 in on the first night. Something to do with having to get through 2 litres of vodka in three nights. Me looking forward to three days with no money, but remember doing a sumersault, so I went and looked where I'd done that, but to no avail. Stripped tent down like three times, lost property every few hours. No luck all friday, and thus no food. Only vodka.

Day after that I'm sitting there in a daze watching some band & I see's a pink cap that stirs something in my brain. Ask lady under tha cap how I recognise her, if she lives near me or anything? Despite being slightly offended, she reveals that I'd left my phone and wallet in her tent 2 nights previously. She was buff; didn't dare ask, but potentially I've forgotten one hell of a night.

But I had £70 I thought I'd lost forever, which is kinda like being given £70 pounds, so I didn't mind spending the whole lot on booze :)
(Daveh, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 23:03, Reply)

Lost a snake
My second pet snake was a very attractive Mexican Black Kingsnake who was very friendly to all and let everybody handle him...

Then, about 3 weeks after moving to my new house, I got him a new vivarium - meaning that I could use the old one as a cleaning tank. Now anybody who's kept snakes knows that the little fuckers are excellent escape artists. Cue me coming back into the room an hour later to find the snake gone, never to be seen again.

Now the worst bit: note I'd mentioned moving into a new house above. This house was a semi-detached house, and as we all know there are potentially lots of holes in the seperating wall, which an inch diameter snake can sneak through, so it was only prudent to warn the neighbours.

Cue a worried me ringing the doorbell of the two attractive women next door and trying to explain how my not exactly normal pet may enter their abode...

The moved out soon afterwards, never could understand why!
(resident deity, Wed 8 Dec 2004, 21:41, Reply)