Photo taken whilst driving to work a few months ago.
enough, I feel, said.


( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 10:03, 6 replies)

Hitting my GF in the face
with toys I should add.

First one was messing in the sitting room after Christmas and i had one of those flying monkeys with elastic for arms you can shoot across the room.

She was bent over and i drew back aiming for her ass.

Just as I was about to fire it she turned around and stood up, I can't explain how or why but my aim followed her movement and in perfect timing as she looked at me the monkey flew.

At this stage neither of us knew the full workings of said monkey and only now discovered its SCREEEEEEEEECH as it flies through the air.

The look of panic/confusion on her face as it clocked her perfect was priceless. i doubled over laughing so hard as she remained standing mouth open speechless.

Then there was the time i found an airzooka in a toy shop.

heh i've always wanted a go with one of these I thought and looked around. Seeing my girlfriend nearby I call to her and she looks my way

THUNK

the blast hit her quite a lot harder than i was expecting it to, knocking her back in shock while blowing her hair magnificently behind her.

Cue hysterics from me and a look that would curdle milk from her.

Worth it

Length? about 5 foot away each time
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 8:06, 7 replies)

Physics joke
I overheard the physics class burst into laughter, so I asked what had happened. The professor had been lecturing about a common kind of concave diffraction mounting attributed to Dr. Paschen, when he turned to the students and admonished them to be sure to practice their Paschen mounting over the weekend.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Tue 11 Dec 2012, 1:25, 5 replies)

"The most stupid thing you've ever done"
Me: (Dull story)

Colleague: "I stuck a rubber duck to my forehead with tile sealant. Then when it fell off a week later, I melted the rubber with a lighter and welded it to the other side of my forehead. It's how I got my name - Duck".

Me: ...

Him: "Then when I worked at McDonalds I had a proper bastard of a manager who wouldn't let me put "Duck" on my name tag. So I legally changed my name to Duck".

Me: ...

Him: "While I was doing that, I discovered you can change your middle names as well for no extra charge".

Me: ...

Him: "So my full name is 'Duck Andy-Bill Megatron McThumbs'N'Stuff Lamond"

Me: "Bwahahahahahaha"




I've seen his ID and it's really true.
( MatJ LOOK, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 21:08, 5 replies)

Little old man funny little old man
Last week I went on a pub-crawl of Bedminster (in Bristol) sampling the delights of such hostelries as the White Hart and the Little Grosvenor. I crossed the river and found myself in the Velindra which had recently undergone a renovation and smelt of fresh paint; but it was OK, not too ghoosked up, with nice tasteful decor all aquamarine and gold.

I was on my own (waah waah fuck off, I love my own company... fortunately) but the pub was packed so I found myself squashed in at the end of a table next to this funny little old man.

He looked a bit like that bald guy at the beginning of Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, but instead of dusty rags he wore quite a sharp pinstripe suit, white shirt and red regimental-looking tie. He was very short - about 4 foot nowt - and I'm over 6 foot - and he looked fearfully up at me as I sat next to him, but soon relaxed as I smiled down at him and patted him on his bald bonce.

He then took quite a shine to me and kept on giggling like a little girl and grabbing my arm. His mates - I presume they were - took little notice of him but I caught a few of them smiling and nudging each other and glancing in my direction.

I tried to strike up conversation with the little old bald pinstripe-suited man but I could make head nor tail of him; he spoke in a gabbling high-pitched patter like Crazy Frog only more croaky and maroon sounding.

So I began to tell him about me and the job I'm doing at the moment, the projects I am working on, my cat, and where I was planning to spend Christmas. He listened intently to all this, interjecting with hoots and gibberings and grabbing my arm. I began to warm to the little feller, I rarely encountered such an attentive and appreciative audience.

Before long though the six pints I'd quaffed meant a visit to the bogs and so I excused myself. As I wazzed I looked round the interior of the gents bogs appreciatively, they'd done a good job - pale blue walls, nice new sinks with taps, toilets with seats, mirrors etc. As I died my hands I noticed that on one they had put a rectangular mosaic design of tiny blue and green tiles. The moment I saw this I stopped in my tracks. I knew I'd seen this somewhere before - but where?

I walked up to it. I reached out and touched the tiles - and the shock went right through my body, from the soles of my feet up to my balls and then THWACK! to the top of my head - an orgasmic shockwave. Tears filled my eyes so I closed them and touched the mosaic again... and in my mind... I saw... there was something I couldn't quite see... and then I realised I was muttering one word, over and over again: 'Kastria... Kastria... Kastria...'

I stepped back from the mosaic and staggered over to the sink. I fumbled with the taps and splashed water over my face. Recovering myself, I went back into the bar only to find that my little bald old friend had gone.

Oh well. I drank up and then tried to get into the Ostrich but it was packed with fucking cunts, so I went up to the Golden Guinea.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 21:06, 2 replies)

Edgy Christmas Carol finale
Our performance of the Alan Menken musical "A Christmas Carol" was strong until the very last instant. After Scrooge is deScroogified Tiny Tim is supposed to cap off the heartwarming show by proclaiming, "And God bless us, everyone!" Instead, he said, "And God help us, everyone!" The lights went out and the cast scurried giggling into the wings.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 20:02, 3 replies)

(gordonjcp, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 18:40, 5 replies)

I was in the pub with my mate Dave
We'd been there an hour or two and had polished off a fair few pints. These two women came in and they came over and sat with us. Several more pints later and we were having an uproariously good time.

Then Dave told this joke about an Irishman and a midget. I can't remember the details now but it was dead funny.
(Eukanuba, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 18:33, Reply)

This arrogant Roman clown I know.
He's supercilious.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 18:21, Reply)

I really shouldn't have laughed
I once saw a blind man with a white stick (before you get angry, I wasn't laughing at him), walk towards a busy bus stop. His cane had a ball on the end and he was very proficient at making his way around, his stick not really hitting anything, I'd seen him before so he obviously knew the area.
Anyway, there was a young lady standing with her back to him texting as these youngsters do, and when he walked past me his cane managed to go between this poor girls legs and not hit even one of her shoes so he kept walking, to the point where the angle of his cane to the ground ran-out and his hand ended up firmly in her bottom! I couldn't help but laugh as they tried to come untangled and I had to turn away only to find a lot of disapproving faces looking at me. It was the very loud "WoooooOOOooOoooo" noise she made that did it!
( SauronWibble I'll hold it, you lick it..., Mon 10 Dec 2012, 15:09, 10 replies)

should have made me chuck up, made me chuckle
It was a drizzly rubbish day, I was walking back down the road to school and on the opposite footpath was a woman hurriedly pushing a pram... I saw her skid slightly and turned to see if she was about to fall, unluckily (for me) she stayed upright but she did a very (she's in a hurry remember) quick check of the bottom of her shoe to see if there was anything on it.

The drizzle had made the dog egg a lot less viscous than usual... it flicked from her foot into her face.

I laughed so hard it made my throat hurt, as did the 5 minutes of absolute full tilt sprinting to get to school to tell people about it.

I told my mate this story a few years ago when he was really drunk, he cried for a long time. Mime helps; just imagine stompy stompy stomp, slide, flick (in a 'ooh, hello sailor!' style) and then retching face/noise.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 14:05, Reply)

My lovely wife
My wife has never seen Star Wars. I'm trying to indoctrinate her in the things in life that really matter.

Last weekend we were at a local shopping center. There were some people dressed in Star Wars outfits, trying to sell toys. Trying to put her new knowledge to use, she points to the tall, dark, cloaked figure in the middle and says :

"So, thats Gareth Vader".
(chutneyweasel, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 13:57, 4 replies)

repeated LOL
Those of you with kids will know. One of the delights of having the little perishers is their fondness for repetition. For most people watching the same DVD every week for 6 months would be pretty tedious.

Not so the under 7's they love it. My little duckling really likes Finding Nemo so for months whenever we have some TV time finding Nemo comes out. But even though I must have seen it 100's of times there are little bits of it that still make me laugh.

Dory talking whale particularly ...it's making me grin just typing about it.

That means I have the metal age of seven or Finding Nemo is a comic masterpiece...
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 13:19, 31 replies)

Jade Goody's haircut
She wasn't even that fit in the first place, whatever possessed her to do that?
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 13:08, 17 replies)

Was given a book to review at work
The author was Richard N. Bolles. The blurb said "Richard ('Dick') N. Bolles is the author of the best-selling book What Color Is Your Umbrella?", yada yada yada.

I back-tracked. He's called Dick N Bolles? Is this a joke??

Apparently not. Here's his Amazon page.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 12:49, 5 replies)

Out on the tiles.
One morning after a particularly drunken night out, I was awoken by mother and with a big ‘wink wink, nudge nudge’ smirk on her face she said,
“Did you bring someone home last night?”
“…No”
“Oh-- Only the toilet seat was down and there was a lot of noise when you got in…”
“Well, I definitely didn’t bring anyone home. I think I would remember something like that..”

Once the initial shock of entering the waking world had settled I began to recall some of the events of my homecoming. Firstly, the toilet seat being down was my own doing, my reasoning being, 1) I felt I was slightly too bungalowed to stay stood up long enough to keep little Stooey’s aim consistent, and 2) to quieten down and muffle what was to inevitably be the most powerful post-pub pee-stream it is biologically safe to pass without bionic enhancement. Neptune himself would have been proud to witness this mere mortal produce such a tsunami.

Everything was going swimmingly-- especially my vision and after 5 minutes or an hour (who truly know?) when I’d finally finished, my legs must have gone numb because when I stood up, I promptly fell over and landed straight in the bath. I was doing all this in total darkness I must add, it must have taken me several attempts to get out, hence the noise.

Although What kind of noises I was making in my porcelain resting place to have someone believe I was in the throes of passion I don’t know, and frankly I don’t wish to remember. Still, made me laugh. Mother is still disappointed at the lack of any female presence. She's starting to suspect.
(stooey Not an actor but I play one on TV, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 12:16, 2 replies)

It was my birthday at the weekend, so a few of us went to the pub and drank quite a lot.
Following a conversation about the nature of schadenfreude and citing some examples, I decided to visit the toilet, stood up, failed to account for balance or gravity, and fell over backwards via several chairs and smacked my head on the foot of a table.

I understand this entertained quite lot of people in the pub, including all of my friends, who enjoyed pointing at me and laughing uproariously.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 11:29, 10 replies)

Nerd Label
I picked up 2 of my sons (15 & 17) from a public speaking competition they were in and on the way home we had the following conversation:

Son #1 to son #2 "Every time I at looked at you there was a group of girls round you"
Me: "So your brother's a babe magnet?"
Son #1: "yeah dad, Public Speaking does that to you"
Me: "Really?"
Son #1: "Er, no dad, you might as well have a Nerd Label stapled to your face!"
( Blackdogmanguitar is out with Fat Larry's Jazz Band on, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 10:44, Reply)

Seen At Glastonbury

A toddler wearing only a nappy and a t-shirt with "Ca-Ca Happens" emblazoned on it.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 9:54, 10 replies)

Bumper sticker recently seen
If you don't pray in my school I won't think in your church.
(Shimrod, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 7:24, 2 replies)

My wife fucking hates Battlefield 3

and as my headphone and mic broke the other week, my mate suggested I wear a baseball cap or something to hold the whole thing together so we could chat.

I don't have a baseball cap, in fact the only hat like object I could find was a WW2 helmet I bought in Eastern Europe a few years ago. So I stuck that on and it managed to keep the headset in place.

My wife walked in took one look at me and basically said "Oh, for fuck's sake" and slammed the door behind her.
( waz4444 Escorts, bescorts - Come in if you're saucy., Mon 10 Dec 2012, 3:35, 4 replies)

No matter what you do, success or failure, everyone of us will die, it's just a matter of time
Still, you've got to laugh don't you
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 10 Dec 2012, 1:55, 5 replies)

My Gerbil, Cinnamon
Everytime he runs up the ladder in his Gerbilarium, He stops and stares at me and doesn't blink once. So whenever he does it now I imagine the Hypnotoad noise in my head and say "All hail the Hypnogerbil, All glory to the Hypnogerbil" out loud. Rinse and repeat for his brother Sherbet. If I have the time I'll post a video of him doing it.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 21:16, 2 replies)

I have a (very stupid) pet snake
After 6 months in her current tank she still hasn't grasped the idea of glass walls.

But when she nuts herself against one at high speed, she does make a wonderful squeaking sound as she slooooooooowly slides back down it.

EDIT: Yes kids, the little snake is fine. She also does it to her hide hut, so I'm thinking perhaps it's not the idea of walls so much as the concept of stopping before impact that confuses her.
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 18:46, 5 replies)

Sitting in our local this very afternoon
There's a sign on the door that says "Dogs Welcome." There's a non-dining area at the back where people take their dogs and it's a great Sunday place after a long walk.

I don't pretend we own the place but over the years we've probably spent the GDP of a small African country there, as have the other dog owning regulars who relax in the back room on a Sunday afternoon.

It's a dog friendly pub. There are 3 distinct areas of the pub, and one of them has dogs in it which is not, then, the best place to sit if you don't like dogs and for the elderly couple in question clearly a mistake.

When we got there there was a palpably awkward atmosphere. On the positive side I suspect that the two old knackers had probably said more to each other than at any time in the last ten years - along the muttered but deliberately audible lines of "smelly dogs...".."shouldn't be allowed...".."ruining our Sunday..."etc.. There was - I should add - plenty of room in the rest of the pub and, prior to our arrival, a Labrador and a Spaniel, both well behaved and under control in the dog room.

Our boys are well used to being in the pub - in fact they love it because they get fussed over - and settled down immediately but the seething from the corner became even more visceral and incandescent.

Dogs are innocent of shame and propriety and have no concept of social niceties. Ours are fed on a well balanced non-supermarket diet but - well the bottom line is that they do, on occasion, emit fumes with eye-stinging, paint-peeling, Geneva Convention breaking acridity.

And just we needed it most one of them guffed. Copiously. The sour faced old biddy's blue rinse collapsed and her dismal husband turned a spectacular shade of puce - and off they scuttled, clutching their halves of lager, muttering incantations about awful awful dogs and what a disgrace and writing to whoever we didn't vote for.

And by hell we laughed until the fart-induced tears were mingled with laughter-induced ones.
( The Disappointed Caravanner of the year, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 18:08, 7 replies)

I came across a little store with a big sign:
N.Larry Harushka Enterprises Ltd. Specializing in General Merchandise
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 16:07, 6 replies)

I teach at a university.
Last week I had my students doing a class debate with a twist- they were in two teams, and each team was a different theoretician; they had to argue from that person's point of view. The two theorists are opposed, so it turned into a "defend your turf" war.

One group had a guy in it who rattled off his group's whole presentation in under a minute, and then couldn't resist showing off his knowledge by going into a rant about how much he, personally, disagreed with it, and how the theory was bollocks, etc. This to the horror of his group, who now had a traitor in their midst, and the delight of the other group, who were cheering their spy on. Loudly.

One of my co-workers was talking to me afterwards and asking how the hell I managed to make a class full of 20-somethings laugh so loudly they could be heard two classrooms down. I explained that, for the good of the truce, we had imposed a speaking ban on the traitor so he wasn't allowed to chip in until I let him speak. So by the end of the class several people were almost in tears at the fact that this poor lad was visibly shaking with the desire to join the fray....
(Sivvus trolley collision in the fruit aisle led to a jam, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 14:32, 2 replies)

Saw this a while ago...

(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 14:32, 3 replies)

Last night I went to a comedy show.
The first comedian on stage was a black guy.
I heard someone on the next table say "oh no, I hope we can understand him" to which I rolled my eyes at this pointlessly racist remark, what a twat.
The comedian, it turns out, was from Kenya and almost totally incomprehensible due to the unfortunate combination of a very heavy accent and the crappy echoey acoustics.
I laughed heartily throughout his act at the audience politely clapping with a delay of several seconds after what was presumably each punchline.
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 14:20, 2 replies)

Office lols..
Naive Australian admin girl in a very quiet office asks loudly: Dave.. Whats a bellend?
Me and entire office: aaaahahagafafafadgdafuckinell that's a funny question..
Naive oz girl: whats so funny?
Me google it.
Naive oz girl in an office full of laughter: How do you spell bellend?
Hilarity ensued.
I guess you had to be there...
(bangthedrum, Sun 9 Dec 2012, 12:04, 2 replies)