Why...
is it that I get calls (on my mobile) from every other cellphone company on a daily basis trying to sell me their packages? For crying out loud!
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:16, Reply)

Get hold of your mate's phone and alter their partners contact details for your own number
Hilarity ensues
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:13, 4 replies)

"Comedy" Bluetooth addys don't go down too well.
When a client is sending you stuff.
Mine was Cunt Cheesenose.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:07, 4 replies)

A few months back Mrs Gooch and I were having relationship difficulties
We decided to have a break from each other from a while to work out what would be best for the future.
The upshot was that I moved back in with my parents, it was hideous.
I am 32, lived alone for the last 12 years and am more than used to my own independence.
As soon as I unpacked my bag my Mum went into "Mothering Overdrive", explaining how the Washing machine worked, telling me how to adjust the temperature in the shower, at one point I even thought she was going to clean my cheek with dreaded Licky tissue.

I had been there for about a week and was feeling really penned in and depressed about life in general, My Mum and Dad decided I needed perking up by feeding me Large Gin and tonics for the evening and going over all old family stories etc. By the time they turned in for the night I was plastered. As I sat alone downstairs contemplating life I could hear ominous creaking noises coming from their bedroom.

I decided to text my brother the good news, it went something like this:- "Mate, having a shit time here, Mum being way too much, to make it worse I can hear Dad drilling her upstairs. I am in hell"

I sent the message and then heard a text alert go off upstairs, I drunkenly checked my sent item and realised to my horror I had managed to spaz the recently used list and sent the message to MY FUCKING MUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Breakfast was fun the next morning :-(

in all fairness my parents are absolutely quality people, always there for me and I don't mean any malign at all in this post

( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:07, 2 replies)

BOOOM!!! (note the three exclamation marks!!!)
When deep on the Northern tube line departing Borough on 21 July 2005, ie. a fortnight after 07/07, I received a message on my mobile phone. On hearing the beep I think, what's this? Not because I have no friends and so am surprised to receive a text message, but because there's no reception once you're on the tube. I picked up the phone only to see a bluetoothed business card reading one world only: "BOOOMM!!!" That was actually the sender address, there was no business card details attached. Hmmm...obviously it was sent from someone close by, due to having been bluetoothed (my phone was set to send and receive business cards from phones in the vicinity with the same setting). I scanned the carriage and there was only one other person I could see - belonging to the bluerinse brigade. So the business card sender was either somewhere on the train, maybe the next carriage, or on the station I just left. I decided, not surprisingly getting teh Fear, to get off at the next stop, Elephant & Castle. On exiting I showed the nearest tube attendant/security man/village idiot in a uniform the business card. He said "Oh that must just be one of your friends playing a trick by sms'ing you a joke", to which I pointed out it was a business card that could only be sent within bluetooth range. At this point his radio crackled and he then informed everyone within earshot that the station was now shutting down and to leave the station. We later found out this was the day when the second round of bombings had failed... I wonder to this day whether this was another, unreported, failed bombing or mere fuckery on some chavs' part. oh well then.
( Tiffany Aching 's bowl of oatmeal tried to stare her down and won, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:06, Reply)

Worringly similar to my answer for the Boss QOTW...
...and quite tenuously linked to this question to boot.

I went into one of my many local mobile phone outlets to buy a new, overpriced piece of tat to ring my handful of mates and girlfriend on. I chose this particular one as one of said mates had just started working there and he assured me he could "do a deal" for me.

The place was heaving and being far too kind for my own good I opted to allow my pal and his colleagues to run around after the wankers who were banging their fists on the desk demanding to know whether "that there phone has a reet good camera on, leek!?"

I planted my backside down on one of the seats situated at the desks towards the back of the store where names are taken, contracts are signed and phones are handed over by the workers to the customers. Being a bit of a cocky twat I opted to sit on the staff side of the desk, behind the screen, to see how long it would take me to be told off by my mate or asked nicely to shift by another member of staff.

Before they got the chance a whale of a woman, complete with screaming child in toe waddled into the store with a face like thunder. All the staff were busy but rather than wait in line she stormed over to me, slammed he handbag down along with a box for some mid-range Nokia. I assumed she was just composing herself so I kept texting without even casting a cursory glance in her direction.

"Err! EXCUSE ME!"

Fucking hell! I raised my eyes. There she was towering above me, looking like she was about to lamp someone.

"I'VE HAD IT WITH THIS COMPANY!! YOU'VE MESSED ME AROUND FOR TOO LONG!! MY MONEY BACK!!"

Turns out this 'poor' lady had mistaken me for a member of staff. Before I could correct her she was off, telling me how she didn't want the phone any longer (despite signing a contract and being waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay after the cooling off period as it turned out) and she wanted to be refunded not only for the phone but for the length of the contract she'd used. She started going on about fines and court being the reason she could no longer afford to keep the phone. Apparently if she didn't get what she wanted right that second she was going to sue 'us'.

As you can imagine by this point I couldn't contain my laughter and started giggling like a little girl while doing my level best to try and explain the concept of a legally binding contract while also attempting to drop in "by the way, I don't work here".

I didn't get the chance to get that far. The minute contracts were mentioned she flew into an even bigger rage and asked to see the manager. I said no, hoping to end that sentence with "I don't work here man, you daft bint!" but I didn't get the chance. She looked for the most senior looking bloke in store (the one in a tie) and effectively asked for my head. The manager told her no, as I didn't work here and was waiting to be served myself. She stormed off.

I'd like to say this was where I got a round of applause and carried out of the store on the shoulders of the workers but I got called a stupid bastard by said manager for sitting behind the desk and pouring fuel on the fire (apparently she was a mental who had been coming in quite regularly and even tried to grab a member of staff once) and my mate was told to "serve him and get that cunt out of the shop."

Length? I think her contract had been running for around 5 month.
(Peter Sutcliffe's Right Bollock, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:03, Reply)

Never leave your phone at work
Years ago I worked in an open plan office & I sat near a girl who was soon to be married. It seemed the relationship was somewhat rocky given the amount of shouting matches we all overheard her having on the phone with the husband-to-be.

I was working late one evening when I heard her mobile ringing on her desk after she had left for the day. So I answered it & it was the fiancé. Fiance: “hello is [insert name] there please?” Me: “No sorry she’s in the shower at the moment, can I take a message?”. Click. Buuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 13:01, 3 replies)

Dont ever leave it in a cab.
Found a mobile on the back seat of a cab once still switched on.

On checking the picture files we found saucy pictures of the mobile owners said boyfriend in states of undress and obvious arousal.

So like the good guy i am i decided to share the pictures with every mobile number in the address book via MMS.

Oww how we laughed at the replys...especaly from Mum & Dads numbers...

What a twunt i am..........
(mabazaritchie ...Its not rape if she cums first..., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:58, 3 replies)

Conversation with my mobile phone provider
Helpine Drone: "Hello, welcome to O3 technical support. How can I help you?"

Carrot: "Yes, hello. My phone has stopped working. It turns on and turns itself off straight away."

HD "OK sir, I have the phone number 0791234567 here. Umm...you don't seem to be registered with us."

C "I know, this is my friend's phone."

HD "Oh. Um. OK. Can you call back using your own mobile?"

C "No, because it doesn't work."

HD "But we need you to be on your phone so we can run some checks on it."

C"Yeesss...but my phone doesn't work."

HD "So who's phone are you on?"

C (sigh)"As I said, my friend's phone."

HD "Can't you phone back using an O3 phone?"

C (urge to kill rising...riiiising). "No...I for some unknown reason, seem to be the only one of my friends who is twuntish enough to use your network, which believe me, will be something I will remedy VERY soon."

HD "Can I take your phone number then?"

C "Yes, it's 07987654321"

HD "That number doesn't seem to be registered with us either."

C "Yes. It. Is"

HD "Are you sure you are on the O3 network sir?"

C "OF COURSE I'M CUNTING WELL SURE. I HAVE BEEN WITH YOU SINCE YOU WERE CALLED FUCKING CELLNET."

HD "We were never called Cellnet. That was Vodafone I think you'll find sir."

C "NO IT WASN'T YOU WASTE OF SPERM! IT IS O2. I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL COME THERE AND SKULLFUCK YOU PERSONALLY"

HD "Oh whoops, yes... I've found you now."

C (calming down slightly). "Oh. Wonderful."

HD "OK sir, what I need you to do is go into the settings menu."

C "I can't. As I said, it doesn't turn on."

HD "No need to get angry sir. So are you saying that you can't turn it on at all?"

C "No...it does turn on, but it turns off straight away afterwards."

HD "Ah. I've never heard of that fault before. Is the battery charged?"

C "Yes, fully charged."

HD "Well I suggest you take it to your nearest O3 shop who will be able to look at it for you. Oh by the way, I notice you are eligible for an upgrade. We can steal your soul for another 18 months of abysmal service if you just hack of a limb sir?"

C "I would rather give oral pleasure to Norman Bates' mother."

You can, therefore, imagine my surprise when 5 days later a new phone turned up along with another 18 month contract. They must have a strange idea of what constitutes approval in Bangalore....

/length
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:54, Reply)

Shut your fucking face, Unclefucker
is not the ringtone to have when you leave your phone on your desk and go out for lunch.

I came back to find my phone in three pieces as my boss had to take the battery out because she couldn't figure out how to turn it off... bless.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:53, 1 reply)

Pea(nis) Roast
I was sending...um...pictures...of...um...it...in...it's glory...to an ex. (she wasn't an ex at the time, I hasten to add. I'm don't stalk my exes. Well, not all of them, there aren't enough hours in the day to follow around all the women I've fucked up relationships with).

But to take the picture to send, I had gone to my offices toilets and taken a look at some pictures that she had previously sent me. Until I was, you know, 'ready'.

Then I snapped away, got a couple of shots that showed me, shall we say, in a flattering light and sent one.

My phone was fairly slow to send pictures, so I went back to my desk and put it down next to me, waiting until I heard the tell tale buzz that my penis was flying in 1’s and 0’s through the ether for my waiting beloveds depraved pleasure.

Then I promptly forgot it and went to get coffee.

I came back to my desk and my boss was hovering waiting to talk to me, so we are chatting away and then I noticed his eyes start to drift down to my desktop.

I followed his gaze and as clear as day, there is my phone. There is my erect penis and, worst of all, so there was no getting away from where the picture had been taken, there was, in the background, the distinctive red and white tiles that adorned the cubicles in the staff toilets.

The pause was excruciating, the conversation swiftly wrapped up and my boss and I never had a non awkward conversation again.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:51, 1 reply)

Golfers aren't s'posed to use mobiles on the course but of course they do,
and I suspect they have them on 'silent' to avoid giving offence to more traditional players.

So when their phone flies out of their pocket when they're flailing away in the rough it's no use getting a mate to ring it because nobody can hear it. Genius.

Mr Quar, a keen golfer, has picked up no end of phones on the fairways and kindly rung Mum or Dad on them to get them picked up.

Golfers, keep your phones in your golf bags! You know it makes sense.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:49, Reply)

Teryy was a great guy to work with
one of those cockney wide boy mid level managers who actually cared about his staff and would defend them to the ends of the earth if anyone ever said a bad thing about any of them.

Being a down to earth lad working in media he also liked a drink or seven at the end of the day like the rest of us. Therefore it came to transpire one Thursday evening he'd taken his staff out for a few drinks in a local bar and I'd tagged along, it was one of those days when nothing has gone right and everyone just wants to have a few drinks and unwind.

As the rest of us sat around telling jokes and generally unwinding Tel kept getting calls from the office about one crisis after another and generally fielding them quite well considering his advanced state of inebriation. That was up until the sixth call anyway when he looked at the caller ID, shouted at his phone "Oh fuck off and leave me alone!" and dropped it straight into his fresh pint of Guinness.

It was like time stood still, all conversation round the table stopped and half the bar looked round to see what the kerfuffle was about so everyone saw his face suddenly change from the slightly drunken cheeky grin over what he'd just done to a sudden dawning realisation and hear him shout, "Oh fuck, my contacts!"

Rescuing the phone we extracted and dried off the SIM leaving him with instructions to dry out the phone and wait till tomorrow before he tried turning it on. All of which was fine advice and the phone did work again eventually, unfortunately not before the couple of drinks turned into a few more and his wife was calling everyone she knew worried when he still hadn't come home at 4AM.

He later told me he got home about 5 to a bollocking from his fiery tempered Italian wife then we all heard his boss shouting at him the next morning too, apparently the combination made for the worst hangover he'd ever had.
(bill, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:47, Reply)

i've never dropped my phone down the toilet
but i hate the fact that this occurance is well overdue and will eventually happen at some point.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:42, Reply)

Criiiinge
Typical. Accidentally sent very dirty text to most conservative friend instead of boyfriend, as their names were next to each other on my contacts list. So I got a new phone that had a "cancel sending" button.

The worst part was the reply. "I understand that you feel this way, Penguin, but I'm sorry it's not reciprocated. I understood most, but what does bj stand for?"
(sparkly_penguin, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:41, 6 replies)

There'll be two main categories for this.
* Dropping in drink/loo/something.

* Texting the wrong person, and insulting/propositioning them.

Mark my words.

Edit. ^ Above 2 posts ^
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:38, Reply)

Seemingly...
...the question is "have I got Going Underground as my ringtone?"

No.
(dchurch bah, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:38, 2 replies)

Charger
First phone I ever had was one of those Ericsson flip-open ones. I moved to Germany in 2001, taking over from another Brit who was coming back home. I inherited everything including his mobile.

He told me "Bring a new one, this handset's shit."

So I did. I quite liked that Ericsson. I only noticed I'd forgotten the charger after trashing the existing handset. And I didn't know enough German to buy a replacement.

Oh well, never mind. I'll grab it when I'm at home next?

I forgot. Twice. Moved out in July, and I finally got the charger in March.

All the while paying the contract on this fucking phone so I'd be able to use it when I finally got it power.

I'm a forgetful barsteward sometimes.
(DigitalRaven will have to make do with gin, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:37, Reply)

Bro in law
leant over a well at Scarborough castle,his phone then got a nice view fron the inside of it!!
( Mstandot I suppose I should post more often., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:36, Reply)

Brand new (2 days old) Nokia 6600
went for a piss and dropped it in the loo.

Balls!

(sure I won't be the only one this week)


(Bet Spanky's lost one up a clunge at some point too?)
(Kip, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:34, 2 replies)

Not a disaster exactly.
I had an early cell phone, an NEC P3, the size shape and weight of a brick.
I must have looked an absolute twat, wandering around with this baby breeze block, shouting into it. Analogue of course, so the signal was crap. And very few people had cells, so why I bothered, I really don't know.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:33, Reply)

my mobile got nicked
along with my handbag, in knight's caverns in rhyl.
not much else to say on that one, really
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:30, Reply)

My mate Nick
leaned over while standing up, and his mobile fell out of his pocket, straight into his cup of tea which was sitting on the table.

Quick as a flash, another mate Davie piped up, "I didn't know you were with T-Mobile, Nick!"
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:27, 2 replies)

6th.
I have no story.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:23, Reply)

i stuck my phone up my arse
And it vibrated.

12th? That story is a lie.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:21, Reply)

I dropped mine in my poo

true story
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:19, 1 reply)

I got one
it was
( fudboy high ideals and crazy dreams, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:18, Reply)

2nd
yes get in!!

mobile phone companies? wankers the lot of them!
(especially T-not-so-mobile)
(betty swollocks, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:16, Reply)

Is there a question in there somewhere?

( Captain V, Thu 30 Jul 2009, 12:15, 1 reply)