POLITICS, PLAYS AND PORKPIES
When I was seven I landed the part of the clown in Lyncrest Lower School, Northampton's, ground breaking epic - The Nativity.

It was a cast of literally thousands, well, hundereds, well, about thirty.

My job as clown was simple. I had to help the donkey (played by my erstwhile mates Terry and Dave), on and off the stage. The donkey was blind. The eye slits were so fucking small Terry couldn't see where he was going.

So, on stage comes Mary and Joseph, followed by me, the clown leading the donkey.

It was awe inspiring.

It was the round the time that those big clunky video cameras first came out. We bathed under the bright hot glow of literally ten-or-eleven hand held cameras, the spotlight on us.

I'd done my bit, leading the donkey on stage, so I went and stood in my place, fished into my big clown pocket, and pulled out a porkpie my mum had given me for lunch. Now, this wasn't scripted, but Dave in the arse-end of the donkey scoped my pie and wanted a bit.

So as Joseph and Mary are getting a bit of hassle from some cunt of an innkeeper, in the background a clown and a donkey's arse are slapping each other about over a fine bit of reconstituted pig, some gelatine, and some flaky pastry.

The videos seemed to focus on us and completely leave the main actors to their own innkeeping woes.

"Spanky!" I heard a loud hiss, it was my mum, sitting in the second or third row. "Spanky! Stoppit!!!"

I pulled myself away from tugging at Dave's ears and noticed my mum. She looked well pissed off. Oh, shit. I'm gonna be in trouble after this. But I knew something that would win back her affections, a dead-fucking-cert. I'd heard my mum talk about this nice old man who'd been locked away and shouldn't be. She told me he was a great man of peace.

I munched on my porkpie,contemplating, Dave having wrestled part of the pastry off me - he seemed happy with that.

I tried to remember what my mum said, over and over and over again. The man's name was hard to remember.

But just as Mary and Joseph secure a lovely little place in a stable and are being led off to bed down for the night, a clown pushes past them, takes centre stage, raises his chubby little seven year old fist and squeaks:



"FREE NELSON MANDELLA!!!"



Strange thing was, that actually got me into even more trouble once the gig had finished...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 10:41, 7 replies)

Genius
I've just sprayed a buffet sized melton mowbray over the screen. Absolutley superb!
( edz314 smelled the glove on, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 10:48, closed)

HeHeHe
that tickles me!
(Errin C, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 10:59, closed)

Really?
Because if this is true for the love of God, find someone who had one of those "big clunky video cameras" and get the footage. This, and please believe me when I say I know what I'm talking about here, is worth a shitload of money to you.
I've been in the media world for nearly 25 years and worked as a TV producer for a while and had a lot to do with a funniest home videos show. The majority are shit, dogs running into someone's bollocks, fat women falling into ponds, drunks dancing into the cake at a wedding etc. And of those, the HUGE majority are old American clips (hence the date stamp is blurred out).
Out of all this dross a winner has to be picked to get the prize each week (in most cases about $3k) and the major prize (up to $50k) at the end of the season.
If you get a clip of this moment, you are ABSOLUTELY guaranteed of a win in whatever the similar local comp is. plus residuals from around the globe. Don;t think about it, do it. NOW. I'm talking lots of money.
( difficultchild, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 11:52, closed)

Bloody hell???
Really??? My parents have probably got loads of little gems of me acting the twat when I was a kid.

Can thank the fact that my mum didn't want to put me on ritalin.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 13:22, closed)

TeeHeeHee!
Great!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 12:17, closed)

I don't think I've laughed that hard in a while!
Oh man, I so wish I'd seen that!
(Fredz A graveyard of hopes, a dump of ambition, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 13:33, closed)

I'm pretty sure this QOTW would be completely fucked without your replies.
(lei, Fri 27 Mar 2009, 21:48, closed)