That whole naked-neighbours-falling-off-the-roof story
So, we bought a house and the roof leaked. A relative lent me his longest, springiest ladder, and I ascended to see the damage. Whimpering, I reached the top, and found the flashing coming away from the chimney, resulting in a swimming pool in one of the bedrooms.

Feeling particularly bullet-proof on this glorious summer’s day, I stood up to admire the view across the rooftops and gardens of my new street. And that’s when I saw Laura for the first time. My heart skipped a beat at this vision of womanhood. Gods, she was ugly. And naked.

“Hello,” she said, looking up from her book. It was only when the ladder stopped wobbling that I realised that the big mass of black fluff in her lap wasn't actually a dog.

“Bwaargh!” I replied, clinging on to the TV aerial for dear life.

“You just moved in then?” she said, scratching the stretch-marks just above her Black Forest nadger.

“Bwaargh! Yes, last week. Help!”

It was at this point that her husband Roger joined her in the garden. Naked as the day he was born, except for a rather ill-fitting hair-piece, and hung like a donkey. My God, I remember thinking to myself in my heavenly perch, if that thing had brains, it'd rule the universe.

“Roger,” said Laura, pointing skywards, “This is our new neighbour, Scary.”

"'Ow do," he said, both he and his pecker looking upwards, "We're naturists, you know."

Really? Except it came out “Bwaargh!”

In fact: "Bwaaaaaaaaaaaargh!" as I fell off the ladder from a good twenty feet up, my fall broken by Laura's bush. There's nothing like a woman who goes au naturelle who shows a keen interest in gardening.

When I finally reached safety, my charming wife was quick to ask me about my first encounter with Wiggy and Laura. I told her. She was not impressed.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 13:57, 6 replies)

You can
have a click for this line.

"I realised that the big mass of black fluff in her lap wasn't actually a dog."

:-)
(uk_viper stopped lurking on, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:04, closed)

Linda?
Who she?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:33, closed)

Jebus
I've really got to stop using people's real names in these stories. Wiggy might just track me down and club me to death with his wanger.

Also: For fans of US politics - "Laura's Bush"
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:50, closed)

A click for
if that thing had brains, it'd rule the universe.
(Obi wanker nobi Its not a bug, its an unexpected feature, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 14:54, closed)

mass of black fluff
Please God no ~~ rips out mind's eye ~~
(Biff..., Mon 5 Oct 2009, 15:32, closed)

"My heart skipped a beat at this vision of womanhood. Gods, she was ugly."
That'll be a click for you then.
( Doctor Fruitbat wishes fruitbats could really be doctors, Mon 5 Oct 2009, 20:49, closed)