SOUND & VISION
I told my mate this one in the pub last night and she looked at me like I'd just clambered onto the table, hitched down my jeans, and let loose a big steamy turd in her pint. Apparently doing this sort of thing means you are a big fucking cunt of the highest order of cuntyness.

So anyway, here goes -

This was about three years ago when I was going through a going-to-Fabric-and-getting-wasted-phase.

I was already supercharged on the ultimate drug, the best drug in the known fucking Universe; I'd necked a bottle of Malibu in the queue outside. Not only was I a supercharged example of masculinity, my breath also tasted like coconut. I was, quite simply, an unstoppable shagging maching.

So, after a shitload of queueing we get into Fabric. Being full of Malibu and cum and being a super-fucking-human, I immediately go and find a dark quiet spot and have a bit of a sleep.

After my sleep and a helpful kick up the arse by one of my mates, I'm out on the dancefloor. By now I've had Redbull - shitloads of it. I am buzzing my tits off. Fuck pills; I'll stick to my shampoo-flavoured rum and energy drinks.

After a bit of twatting about on the dancefloor as if I'm on fire I notice there's a rather attractive and very short, munchkin short, girl dancing away just in front of me. Now, its a busy place Fabric - a bit like Kings Cross tube station at rush hour, only with slightly less molestation and sweat.

Suddenly I feel this girl cup my balls and give them a squeeze. I stop dead. Hello! This is, quite possibly, a fucking good sign. I move a bit closer to her. She's actually got her back to me and I'm trying to figure out how she *ahem* pulled off such an amazing testicle grab.

Then it happens again! Woo! And again! Double-woo! And it goes on like this for a few minutes.

I move a bit closer to her. The back of her head looks fucking lovely, long straight dark hair, but I've been in this situation before only to discover a) a man, b) a woman who looks like the elephant man, c) my sister (lets not go into that one).

Cautiously I start to edge even closer to her...

She glances over her shoulder at me.

FUCK!!! SHE IS NOT A MOOSE!!! REPEAT!!! SHE IS NOT A MOOSE!!! HOORAY!!!

Infact she was fucking lovely. A bit like Catherine Zeta Jones, only shorter.

Fuck it, I think, and I move alongside her and slip my hands round her waist and move in for a bit of a snog.

And she thumps me in the face and calls me a dirty bastard.

Confused, I assess the situation and realise she hadn't actually been groping my ballbag at all. She had on a black dress and slung over her shoulder was a black handbag. I had, in point of fact, been dry humping this handbag for the last five minutes or so. Bugger...

Now, remember that I am well and truly off my tits on Malibu and Redbull. I have to think quickly on my feet. I have to come up with a good enough excuse so that this girl and her large collection of mates don't decide to twat me. Ah-ha! Fucking perfect!

I lower my head to her level and shout in her ear: "I'm sorry! I'm blind!"

And she looks at me. And, oddly, I look back at her. But then she smiles a big beaming smile. She must've been incredibly drunk or pilled up.

"Should you be out on the dancefloor?" she asks.

And I make up some bullshit about loving to feel the beat of the music because I couldn't see anything, and that I was drawn to her because I could feel her movement next to me. My senses were heightened, on account of the blindness, apparently.

She only fucking bought it...

It was very peculiar, moments later, stood in a quiet corner snogging the arse off this girl with my hands up her top. I didn't know how to pretend to be blind so I just sort of squinted a bit more than usual.

Eventually one of my mates, Danny, found us and gently smacked me on the arse and said: "Wa-Hay!"

I turned and looked at him, pissed off at this untimely inturruption. I was getting well into this mini Catherine Zeta Jones, I was moments away from touching pubes, here.

I looked Danny up and down. My mates and I had been ribbing him all night about his choice of attire; he looked like a fucking matador. I gave Danny the once over. "You still look like a cunt in that shirt," I said. And went back to kiss the girly.

But she was suddenly incredibly fucking annoied.

Bah! Curse the gift of sight!

But apparently pretending to be disabled to get off with members of the opposite sex is a bit of a no-no...
( SpankyHanky, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 10:51, 9 replies)

It may be frowned on
but it fucking works!

I'm going to pretend I've got downs next time I go out!

*Belms at the ladies in QOTW*
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:20, closed)

Dyslexia.
Pretending* to have it has got me a few laughs/diffused a tricky situation or two.

Being shouted out by some sort of security (not in a nightclub) man for using the disabled toilets. "But I am dyslexic!" "not the right type of disability, son" "No, I don't mean that gives me the right to use it; I simply misread the sign."

*There is an outside chance I actually have it.
(ste_mc_efc, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 11:58, closed)

I once pretended to be an airline pilot,
a la "Catch Me If You Can", to cop off with a classy bird.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 12:12, closed)

I
once told a girl I was a pilot (when I was in the University Air Squadron) but all my mates had said they were post men so guess who she believed...

So I went off and tried to chat up a couple of girls who turned out to be lesbians as we were in a gay bar (which we didn't know till the next day)
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 12:15, closed)

Surely the handlebar 'taches,
leather caps and bad fitting lezza jeans gave you a hint?
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 13:58, closed)

It should have
but we'd been on the ale since 5 and it was the only place open
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:01, closed)

Hmmmmmm...
Hmmmmmm...
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:22, closed)

Honest!
Really! Honest!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:32, closed)

You
are fast becoming my new hero! *click*
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Wed 15 Apr 2009, 14:10, closed)