Changing
Forgetting I had not put the blinds up, and then the number 24 double decker bus pulling up outside my house. There must have been 30 people on the top of that bus and i'm fairly certain nobody saw my pre-pubecent cock...Lucky them
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

I once bought a copy of The Daily Mail
But thankfully, no-one saw me.

I hid it in the pages of "Bunnyrabbit Analrape and Chinchilla Frottage Monthly", so I think I got away with my dignity intact.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

I begged for votes like a dog
but it was too late!
(TheDream In need of signature to impress clunge owners, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

*something about being last but no one noticing*

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Back Pain
I had a herniated disc in my back a few years ago, and as I'm sure anyone else who had one knows it is incredibly painful and led to somewhat embarrassing situations (such as having to be helped off of the toilet etc).

It doesn't bother me so much any more, but occasionally I feel a twinge in my upper back. Luckily my other half is often there to alleviate the pressure with a swift bearhug, which is probably not very good for my spine in the long term. But I digress.

I used to work in a convenience store with a small outside warehouse which had a little concrete ramp leading back into the store. By the side of the ramp was a railing, about three feet high or so. You can probably see what's coming. During an afternoon I was loading stock onto a trolley when I felt the familiar twinge between the shoulder-blades. I spied the railing and realised that if I braced my hips and bent over it backwards, I could probably snap my back and alleviate the pressure.

So I approached the bar, got into a squat and leaned back. Nothing happened so I leant a bit further. A bit more. Then a bit more, until I was tottering on tiptoe. I was fine until I stupidly flung my head back to get my neck to align with my spine, wherein I arced gracefully over the slippery bar like a pole-vaulter, and with a cry I fell backwards into a heap on top of some wet cardboard boxes.

Miraculously, I had only slipped backwards into the mulch rather than cracking my skull open and the main victim was my backside. I lay there for a few minutes, feeling a bit sorry for my stupid self, before getting up and continuing with my work.

Thankfully nobody saw, but if they had it'd have served me right.
(theneet began to cut her hair and long for balls, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I am a lifelong Herman's Hermits fan.
I just love their sunny, feel-good pop sounds. I always go to see them on the ‘oldies circuit’ whenever they’re in town – I’m their biggest fan and have always wanted them to know how much I’m ‘into’ their ‘something good’ (DO YOU GET IT?). To this end I stayed up half the night before their last show, making a handmade placard that read ‘Peter – do me up the shit-pipe’, which I frantically waved from the front row of the gig.

I’m glad Noone saw me.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 10:35, 1 reply)

I'm glad nobody saw me.
and fortunately that Lee Harvey Oswald got all the blame.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 9:06, Reply)

When I was a wee nipper...
I used to go shopping with my mum every week. She would send me off on countless errands to fetch things in aisles we had long since passed. I'd make a point of passing by the chocolate aisle each time and snagging myself a yummy kit kat (or whatever took my fancy) and eating it along the way. Afterwards I'd discard the wrapper and head back to home base and nobody would be any the wiser.

I must have racked up quite a large list of shoplifting demeanours by age 10, but eventually my conscience caught up with me and I left my criminal days behind me.
(The Archduke of South London I'm in your Girlfriend eating her organs, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 8:55, Reply)

When I was about 8
I was wandering around some DIY store with my parents. They were looking at the paints, so I wandered up the aisle and down the next one looking at hardware and the like. That's when I saw the rack with the adhesive numbers and letters on. The smaller ones were only about 12p and I thought I could get one and stick it on my bedroom door and pretend I had an address.
I ran and told my parents who said something along the lines of "What for? You don't want to be wasting your pocket money on that." Or words to that effect.
I sloped off a bit disheartened and went and looked at the numbers and letters again. I reached up to push one to the side just to see if they were all the same behind it when the front one pinged off my finger tip and skittered off across the floor. I looked about but nobody had seen. So I sidled over and put my foot over it. Looking around to see if anybody was about I then began to lurch along the aisle dragging it along under my foot before bending down, picking it up and sticking it in my pocket.

Nobody had seen me.

I then wandered over to my parents again, probably with a massively guilty expression on my face. About 10 mins later, we left with a couple of those sample paint tins.

For the next 24 hours I was petrified in case the police turned up to arrest me for theft. I looked at my number, a 7, and it laid there in my hand. The haul from my shoplifting. I could just stick it on my door and if my parents asked, I could just say I went and bought one anyway. But then when the police arrived they would see the evidence on display in plain view and I would be in borstal by the end of the day.

The next day, my parents went back to the DIY store to buy the paint they wanted and I went along with them. I had the number 7 in my pocket and when it seemed safe, I wandered back to the display to return it. But there was somebody there! I then had an idea. I went near the tills and secretly dropped it out of my pocket on to the floor, picked it up in the most hammed up fashion possible and marched over to the lady behind the till.
"Miss, I found this on the floor." I said, and handed her it. She patted me on the head and said thank you and so I ran back to my parents, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 3 Feb 2011, 0:00, 2 replies)

Surprise Penis!
I work at an animal rescue shelter. A lot of the dogs we get are abused, and a lot of them have never been socialized with people, and so don't know how to act. I get bitten. A lot.
However, there are also dogs that are perfectly fine, like the poor Labrador someone sadistic had named Shazam. Shazam was a sweetie. He was housebroken and loved to have somebody scratch him behind the ears.

When it was time for his afternoon potty break, I opened his kennel door. Shazam was very happy to see me. He jumped on me and tried to lick my face. I obligingly scratched behind his ears for a few minutes. Then I looked down.

...Oh. I realized Shazam was really happy to see me. Really, really happy.
He had the largest doggy boner I had ever seen. He was hung like a Shetland pony. And it was bright magenta. Really, really noticeable.
But he still had to go out.

I harnessed him and got him outside as fast as possible. I don't think anybody saw me. Thank god it wasn't the weekend, because that's when we get the most visitors.
I don't want to think about what would happen if I walked a dog with a giant magenta erection past a group of innocent girl guides.
(TheWonderfulWombat It came to me in a dream., Wed 2 Feb 2011, 20:43, 2 replies)