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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Alright, what happened there?
Friday night bollocks thread.

I'm starting with this, which may well be hugely glasscock.

Where's my homies? Where's my bitches? Where's my cuppa?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:06, Reply)
no one replied so there was a vanity delete

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:07, Reply)
have you got my cuppa?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:11, Reply)
like fuck have i

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:19, Reply)
Alright b3th?

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:19, Reply)
Hello Gonz, old boy.
What job have you decided to have then?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:25, Reply)
I've made the following desisions so far.
- No more travel time than 1h15m give or take a few. Prefably Camden, Islington or somewhere on the thames.
- No single-sites, I don't mind a family of sites, but no working on just one site for the forceable future. Unless they're big enough to want a social and mobile platforms. This also knocks me out the line for most start-ups and eCom sites.
- I want to work with big brands, if they don't have one brand on their client lists that most people have heard of... something Ma' would see somewhere and I can say "I made that". Or hot chicks at a bar. For differnet reasons.
- I want £xx, which is a bit more than what I wanted at the start of the week.
- Nothing in the financal or telecoms, unless the telecoms is working with consumer products (such as mobile phones). I don't care that the money offer is a good 75-100% over my last job.
- I want to be able to have Flexitime, and possibly 25% work-from-home time, but I'm happy to take a massive drop in wage for this... as it'll still be a huge increase on last year.
- Young and hip companies, no suites, all chilled out ex warehouses with glass vistas and atriums and stuff.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY: I want to have creative input.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:36, Reply)
On the other hand though, look what I manage to invent for a wordpress blog (screenshot from facebook)...

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:38, Reply)
I am completely guessing here.
But you sound like a proper whiz-kid Gonz, I'm proud of ya baby.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:38, Reply)
Pretty gosh darn proud ! Cheers man.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:40, Reply)
+ dole

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:41, Reply)
- the o and e, + YOU ARE and, + u and l.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:53, Reply)

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)
What have you got against FS/Telecoms?

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:38, Reply)
Dull, too data heavy. If I fuck up, it can cost millions. The only interesting thing is infographics and thats more for a designer's job.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:39, Reply)
Fair enough
I feel the same about analytical chemistry. I'll stick with R&D
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:40, Reply)
If I had kids'n'stuff, it'll be different, but as I'm the only one who relies on me making any dosh and I got no bird or kid to spend it on then I'm alright with getting a new bit if silicon every 3 months instead of every other week.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:48, Reply)
Its good to be free
I have a missus, but she works and we do the long distance thing
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:56, Reply)
I'd be honest, I'd rather not quite be so free if I could help it.
but I'm not letting it get me down at all. I've given up on the idea a long time ago, and if I'm wrong, then great.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:54, Reply)
It's pretty good that you know what you want, though.
All I know is that I want to do something creative, where I can use my initiative (or, as you say, have creative input), be in a fairly relaxed atmosphere (where I could at least listen to music if not dick about on the internet) and not have hours of travelling time every day.

Trouble is, I've been self-employed for so long, I keep losing jobs to people who have more experience.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:46, Reply)
My 'gaps' have been filled with 'freelancing' with a little....
"They're defunct and no longer online... the internet moves so fast that anything 4 years old is irelivent today anyway, at least in the same form. I'm always up to date with the latest technologies, as it is a passion of mine." followed by some buzzwords.

Such as when they ask me if I 'know javascript', I just say "I can read it and write it, but I don't see the point in writing it raw when I know jQuery so well... it's like using a rock to hammer in a series nails of different sizes into different woods, instead of using a specific hammer. I can read and write it though for legacy systems".

Helps if its true though.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:52, Reply)
I should teach myself some code
I really regret not paying more attention to basic as a kid
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:53, Reply)
It's easy, I'm a moron and I can do it. You just need to learn a handful of principles which are the same whatever language you use.
Something that means something else, so you could do $a = "Carrot", then you just say $A instead of Carrot, and could change it to Cellory. Or it could be a number. Or it could be objects, I'll explain that later.
A single veriable made up of loads of other veriables. They have Keys and Values which allow for you to grab the speciic bit in it, so you could do. If you don't bother writing a key though, it'll just number them starting from 0

$vegtables = array('carrots', 'celory', 'lettus');

And then you could do $vegtables[0] to grab carrots.

==-=-=-=- flows -=-=-=-=-
These'll do stuff, and there are a handle for of them, such as
for($i = 0; $i <= 10; $i++) {
echo $i;
that makes $i = 0, then it'll do the loop through {} while $i is less than or equal to 10, and then it'll add 1 to $i. You could use this to make it run forever.
There are loads of things, can't explain it here, but its basicly doing stuff with stuff.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:02, Reply)
Different languages sometimes call them different things, but its all the same.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:03, Reply)

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:04, Reply)
I have signed up to codeacademy
If I get any anecdotes from it I may just put them on coll3ctive
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:04, Reply)
Oh sweet !
We're getting pretty good traffic on it, for what it is. A good minimum of 50 uniques a day.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:08, Reply)
Apart from assembly, where your operations are limited to:
Move, jump, compare, call BIOS interrupts, add, subtract and perform bitwise logic.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:26, Reply)
I'm teaching myself illustrator, to complement my photoshop skills
but apart from some basic html, I have no idea when it comes to coding. That's firmly DJ's department.

There's been some good looking entry level SQL jobs going in Weston recently though.

The thing is, I'm bloody intelligent, and I learn quickly. If I needed a certain skill for a job, I could pick it up quickly enough. I just don't know how to put that in a CV so it doesn't sound like I'm a total chancer.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:58, Reply)
SQL is pretty easy, you'll pick it up really easy.
One of my favorite enterance tests for it is the following, how would you do it? You don't have to write any code, just tell me what the table(s) you would use and how you would connect them...

You have Mummy Sheep and Daddy Sheep, they can be male or female. They have to be Black or White. Every sheep has one Mummy and one Daddy, but not all sheep have a baby. They all have one name too.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:07, Reply)
I have no idea what you just asked.
I wouldn't even know where to start.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:10, Reply)
No worries, I can explain this which will teach you a few things.
Do you know the idea behind Primary Keys and Secondary Keys?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:12, Reply)
Um.... no?

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:13, Reply)
How about a spreadsheet?

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:15, Reply)
That one I do know.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:15, Reply)
Cool, OK.
A database is a series of spreadsheets called 'tables'. For the sake of simplicity, you give each column a name and type (such as if you're expecting a number or some words or lots of words). Then each row is one line of data.

In order to know you're looking at the right row, you have something called a Primary Key. This is normally a number that goes from 1 to a zillion, but sometimes its a bunch of random characters known as a 'hash', or if you _know_ you can put some words in that'll be unique for that line, you can use that. The best way is to use numbers that autoamticly go up by 1, because you can judge how it works better.

Then sometimes you might want what they call a Secondary Key, this is one of the other (or same)'s primary keys, so you can make a 'join' between the two rows.

There are differnt types of joins, but I'll start at the front. "One to many" where one row can have many rows using it's secondary key.

So say you have a table of CUSTOMERS with the columns "UserID" (the Pimary Key), "Name" and "address". "One customer can have (to) Many orders". You could have a second table with ORDERS on it. So that could have "OrderID", "CustomerID" and "Product Name".... the Customer ID (secondary key) would be = to someone's UserID (primary key) on the other table.

....... does this make sense?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:27, Reply)
Customer Table
|1 | B3th | Bristol
|2 | Gonz | London
|3 | Barry | HMPS Holloway.

Order Table
|OrderID| CustomerID | Product|
| 1 | 1 | Shirts |
| 2 | 1 | Shorts |
| 3 | 2 | Condoms |
| 4 | 3 | Sunglasses |
|5 | 1 | train ticket to london.

So with this, we can see that b3th (userID: 1) bought Shirts, Shorts and a train ticket. That I bought condoms and barry bought some sunglasses.

//edit// My mistake, I placed myself in bristol, that I've now changed to london.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:44, Reply)
Haha this is excellent

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:47, Reply)
I have learnt so much from these few posts

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:50, Reply)
So using this, how would you two do the sheep thing I started this on?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:55, Reply)
Really slowly.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:01, Reply)
OK I would use a sheep ID as the primary key.
using generation as the secondary key

as in

*lists sheepID of ofspring
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:05, Reply)

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:06, Reply)
Is that correct?
Its probably too convoluted
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:07, Reply)
I'm not trying to work it out.
I'm drinking and listening to music.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:11, Reply)
woah me too
must be friday
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:22, Reply)
Almost, really close. You got the trick question in there... doing it all in one table.
But the one you would use

SheepID| Name* | *Colour | MotherID | FatherID |

Every sheep has a mother and father, but not all have children. You wouldn't use the offspring one because although you can have blank, not all of them would have kids. The FatherID and MotherID are the Secondary Keys and SheepID is the pimary key.

* not really relivent for this example, but its just to show that there are tables that _aren't_ keys.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:12, Reply)
I assumed that I would need to keep track of the generations
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:13, Reply)
You can do that with this, see down there a bit =)

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:33, Reply)

Gonz, can you see the matrix?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:16, Reply)
Haha, right click on most web pages and go 'view source'.
I can read all that like english, and pretty much like 99% of the stuff that its linked too.... and pretty much the level behind that which generates what you see. And the level behind that which is the database itself. That's where I'm fluent. The level behind that, which is the server stuff, I can semi-read (for lack of a better expression) but not enough to say its part of my job. The next layer behind that, the operating system, I can read, and the final layer which is the hardware, I don't have a clue.

It's more Inception than Matrix =)
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:35, Reply)

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:43, Reply)
I think that would probably make sense
if my brain hadn't given up for the weekend.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:22, Reply)
Hah, no worries, if you want any help or advice, I can give it.
I found a wicked programing learning tool last week which is what I'd be learning if I was starting out and not already good at what I do.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:36, Reply)
ooh. hit me up.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:42, Reply)

+side the head.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:42, Reply)
Check this.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:05, Reply)
I would learn HTML5 and CSS3 first though.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:06, Reply)
Also, big tip, I know it looks easy but don't ever use tables for layout.
It is a key sign of someone who doesn't keep up to date.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:11, Reply)
Yeah, I know tables make a complete arse out of pages of html

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:14, Reply)
You can use them pretty well to make things look how you want, but they don't scale very well, google hates the code, and it acts differently in differnet browsers.
"Tables for tabulur content" is the rule of thumb, so many people up to recently still used that though. It's CSS all the way these days.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:18, Reply)

Gonz, does your dyslexia ever get in the way of your coding, or are writing and coding completely different for you?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:26, Reply)
Good question
I too have wondered this.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:29, Reply)

I'm a nosey cunt me, and a teacher so I love learning about SEN.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:30, Reply)
It's the oppersite. I have a few spelling mistakes but they're mostly consistant so that means it always matches up.
Like one that really bugged people was that I made something that I called "Percistant Sidebar", I always spell percistant that way so it always works. I try my best not to do that though as other people need to know what it means and where to find it.

My head jumps around, like I read your "nosey cunt" post before tangle's one. That is great for programing, I can see flows about how things move about. Where as latin languages are left to right, top to bottom, which means my brain jumps and sometimes I end up reading the same line or paragraph over.

so I see the following as

for ($i = 0; $i < 10; $i++) {
   if ($i == 5) { echo "Hello"; } else { echo "Good Bye" }

I would read that as "if $i is the same as 5 then we'll put the words hello on the screen, otherwise, we'll do the words good bye. We'll do that 10 times and incriment the number each time starting from 0."
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:45, Reply)

I think there is a very real chance that you are an android.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:48, Reply)
Haha, I did once want to get a magnetic implant in my little finger so I can 'feel' magnettic currents.
The idea sounds amazing but I couldn't have an MRI with it in.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:17, Reply)
Are you a dyslexic too gonz?

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:46, Reply)
Yup, totally.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:04, Reply)
Me too
I have serious mindwrongs.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:14, Reply)
It's alright, never stopped me before, and I comunicate more through the written word that voice.
It's no longer synominous with being thick.

If I had to hand-write the internet that would be a different story though.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:18, Reply)
I am in the bottom 8% of the population for verbal communication
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:24, Reply)
How would one work that out? I've no idea how to get that figure on myself, let alone a population.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:28, Reply)
Im back
I was going to the pub, but it was full of teh football. So like the good nerd I am I thought I'd get some beers in and socialise online
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:31, Reply)
I'm here my negro amigos.
How beautiful is this song? It's actually unbelievable:
I'm going out for the first time in bare time, looking forward to it. Plus only seven days til I'm done for the year and back in L-town. Happy Friday folks.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 20:34, Reply)
Oh CQ :(
I would've posted in your thread.
Come back, you big lummock.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:06, Reply)
Also, good evening everyone else.
Your homies and bitches are gone b3th.
You have to get your own cuppa, I'm afraid.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:10, Reply)
Well, that's not good enough.
I'm going to write a letter of complaint.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:12, Reply)
The postbox is further than the kettle.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:14, Reply)
I never said I would post it.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 21:16, Reply)
Totes listening to Stevie Nicks for a bit after that Fleetwood Mac programme.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:04, Reply)
Alright bobby?
I'm listening to obscure jazz reissues, having not watched any documentaries on coked up 70s musicians, while Gonz is explaining programming to a baffled audience.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:17, Reply)

I know, I just saw, mad skills from Gonz. I am listening to Fleetwood Mac and it feels like I'm a little kid in my dad's car again. Plus I'm stoned so all good.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:18, Reply)
Once again
I am jealous of your stoned status.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:21, Reply)

Yeah but I just broke my lightsaber and am a little gutted.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:23, Reply)
My son has plenty of lightsabers here, but I have no weed.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:28, Reply)

The wires have all come out! fuck sake. Do you not have "a guy" for that?
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:30, Reply)
I do
But I also have a baby in the house and the two don't really mix.
Plus I promised the mrs that I'd give up.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:34, Reply)

That's fair enough, I'm going to pack it in when I start the third year. I've coasted so far through this degree and it's time to put some serious effort in. After all Monty will owe me his flat.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:36, Reply)
You can, but you would do that outside of the database level and into the program side of things. There are better sollutions to what I come up with, but this would be easier to follow.

Like how b3ta works, every post has a parent, even the first post in a thread which would be something like '0' as the secondry 'parent' key.

// Selecting what columns we would like to use. The bit before a dot is the table name... bare with me on that 'till you finish reading. the bit after the 'as' is what we're tempoary naming the columns
SELECT child.UserID AS Name, child.colour AS Colour, AS MotherName, mother.colour AS MotherColour, AS FatherName , father.colour as FatherColour
// We're picking the table we want it from, which is 'sheep' and calling it child.
FROM sheep as child
//now we are 'joining' another table, the sheep one, and calling it mother. We are joining it on the child one's motherid being = to the mother's one sheepid
INNER JOIN sheep AS mother ON child.MotherID = mother.SheepID
//Exactly the same thing with the father
INNER JOIN sheep AS father ON child.FatherID = father.SheepID

With this, it'll give me the current one's id, name and colour. And then the name and colour of both parents. We can use looping of this to get an entire family tree that's easily useable. Stuff in capitals in that are 'things' for lack of an easier word, that make up the language of SQL.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:32, Reply)
I will be doing some codez later this weekend
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:49, Reply)
I don't really know much about a language called Ruby, aside that if I was starting to code from the begining of my career, its what I would be doing, but this is really cool:
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 23:04, Reply)
3rd bet in 2 days has just come off
From three £5, I've made £235!

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:39, Reply)
HOly shit =D Nice work dude.

(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:40, Reply)

don't spend it all on hotpots and whippets ok.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:41, Reply)
I've also been learning a bit of Tamil from the local corner shop, every few days I ask for a new word. Only been doing it a week, but I know
Won-a-come = welcome... that's easy.
Nadalah = Thank you... it sounds like a greek word that I've herad but donno what it means, but I remember it that way.
SandyPop = See you later... sounds like a lollypop made of sand.
(, Fri 4 May 2012, 22:40, Reply)

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