gran was nuts...
towards the end of her 90 years she was bed ridden. We moved the T.V. through to her room. This was fine but the old dear would insist it was covered with a thick dark towel when she was changing so 'the little people in the box' couldn't see her, even if it was off.
(zimmer, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Old man football fan
During the '98 world cup, I was sitting in a busy pub watching one of the matches. An old guy with a stick walked in, people shuffled around, found a chair and let him sit at the frount. Five minutes into the game he got slightly upset and would shout evertime a black player got the ball. Before too long he was on his feet, waving the stick at the TV while makeing Nazi salutes. The Landlord asked him to leave.
(mrdirtylegs, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:59, Reply)

My great gran (RIP)
was always old and mad as a hatter as long as I can remember. When I was young we were over visiting and I found a room upstairs full of toys. I was having a great time playing and stuff when she came bursting in saying she was going to call the sheriff (kinda strange i live in Northern Ireland) and have me executed because I was a nazi. She died about 5 years ago and she had scared me so much that her funeral was the first time I had saw her since. Stupid old bat
( the art of xen Missing John Martyn RIP, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:58, Reply)

Old People and Jokes
When old people try and tell a joke, it always goes wrong - with unpredicatable and hilarious results.

Here is a genuine joke, that was told to me by a lovely old lady in a charity shop:-

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Men in Black
Men in Black who?
Lady in Red.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I just too foolish to understand?
(Market Man, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:56, Reply)

My grandad
used to tell the same stories to us again and again and again and again and again. And again.

This might have been interesting, had they been enthralling stories about how he had killed seventeen soldiers armed with a toothpick or how he had sailed across the Atlantic in seven minutes. Sadly, most of the time they were mindnumbingly boring stories about the time he had been to Table Mountain in South Africa during the war ("It's not actually flat on top of Table Mountain - it's quite rocky, in fact...") and how he had seen Lulu riding along in a float in Coventry, singing her head off ("She couldn't sing a note, I can tell you that...")

After a while me and my family learned to switch off whenever he started rambling. However, there was one time when I couldn't avoid it.

In his sitting-room, he always used to sit in a chair facing the centre of the room. The chair I sat in was opposite where he sat - and above this chair, there was a hook where the calendar hung.

I always used to go round to his house on Sundays for lunch. One such Sunday, he looked at the calendar, and said "That dog looks evil, it does." I craned my neck to see the dog, and indeed, it did look slightly evil - it had a menacing "Touch me and I'll bite" look upon its face. We then had a conversation about it for a few minutes, as you do.

This was all well and good, but the next Sunday, he looked at the calendar and said "Hey, Chris, that dog looks evil, doesn't it?" Again, I craned my neck, and the dog was no more or less evil than it had been the last week.

"You told me that last week," I told him.

No use. He said exactly the same things about it as he did the last week.

This happened for the next three Sundays. Every week, he would look at the calendar, and say "That dog looks menacing" or words to that effect, and would then attempt to innitiate a conversation that I wanted no part of, but was forced into simply because of where I sat.

Sadly, he died a few years ago. However, I will always remember one thing he said a few months before he died that I shall cherish for a long time:

"Anne Robinson - she's a bitch."

I couldn't agree more.
( Chrico is a bounder and a cad, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:55, Reply)

My Gran Smells
Why is it thaT WHEN YOU GO ROUND TO SEE OLD PEOPLE TO MOCK THEM ABOUT HOW THEY ARE OLD AND WILL DIE V SOON THAT YOU ARE ATTACKED BY THE SMELL OF DEAD CAT AND OLD CRUSTY GRANNY CRUST. I FIND THAT IS YOU BURN THEM THAT YOU CAN REPLACE THE SMELL WITH O BACON SMELL WHICH IS V NICE I ALSO ENJOY TO PENITRATE OLD PEOPLE THAT ARE UNABLE TO WALK SO THEY CAN'T ESCAPE MY MONSTER VILLY IT HAS IT'S OWN SPECIAL SMELL THAT REMINDES ME OF MUM THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME !
(Notarf, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:36, Reply)

Not very exciting...
My grandmum calls tofu tufo. She tried to pronounce it correctly by drawing it out, which only resulted in a drawn out "Tuuuufooooo." I'm not sure if she's got it right yet.
(Luna loves you., Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:34, Reply)

My Grandad was in the Navy during the war
He once reckoned that they caught a Shark one time, hauled it onto the deck of the ship, where it lashed out and bit off one of his crew members legs.
( Kris Fucking Kristofferson, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:32, Reply)

Me mum
She's not old or anything, but whenever she refers to the internet when talking to me, she calls it "Your internet".

IE : "Could you look up &thing on your internet?"

"Mum, if it was my internet, it would look very different indeed."
( bowdie, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:28, Reply)

my gran was quite the catholic...
When in the nursing home and couldn't move anymore (gawd bless 'er sou') she asked to have a priest brought to her occassionally because she wanted to confess or whatever. Trouble was this guy was black! "A black priest!" I hear you cry, well maybe not we're open minded these days who gives a fig's steaming legacy? What's slightly ironic is after sending missonaries "over there" they're now coming back to convert us with our own faith.

Anyway after having a little talk with what was undoubtably a foreign man she commented "It's amazing what they can be taught these days isn't it".
(nonproffessional, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:25, Reply)

my nan was classic
she used to call me clifford (my name's ben), she swore black's blue that she'd met Miss Marple in the flesh (when I said that she was a fictional character, she shouted at me with "How can she be fictional if I've shook her f**king hand!!"). She also thought Angela Lansbury was Agatha Christie.
The best one was when we went out for a drive through the west end and there was a plane flying above us.
"see that red light flashing at the bottom of the plane?" she said.
"yes Nan"
"That's the Russians taking pictures!" brilliant!
(beneneuman, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:18, Reply)

Working in a mad people's home once
one of the inmates patients reached 100. Quite an achievement (particularly as she'd been clinically batty for a good 80 of them). So all day people are saying "oo 100 years old" and eventually this must have clicked in one of her few remaining faculties. So for the next several days she would stop anybody who came near her and say "I'm 100 you know". Until it became really quite tedious and people started going "uhuh ... really". Not to be put off, she started upping the stakes "I'm 101 you know", "I'm 106 you know". Finally, some of her children or grandchildren came to visit, to be greeted with "I'm a thousand years old you know". The "don't laugh at the mad people" rule was broken by all staff within earshot.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:15, Reply)

me old nan
Bless her, she was Irish... Ronan Keating was 'Rowan Keegan' and duvet was pronounced with the 't'. lol.
(kimothy, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:13, Reply)

when I was 14...
my grandma told me she had to go home because if she didn't the big bad wolf would come and blow my house down.
(not-colette Is that a real poncho or is that a sears poncho?, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:07, Reply)

Is my Mum old? She's 56.
She refers to anything more than one light left on in her house as 'Blackpool'.
( Your Mum, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:07, Reply)

Bit of a long one.
My Grandad was at Dunkirk. He told all eight of his grandchildren of that day and he would raise his left hand, show the stump of his little finger and say "I lost that in machinery, trying to help an injured colleague onto the boat". We all sat in awe, looking at the sacrifice our gallant grandfather had made.

The first Xmas after his death, my Grandma understandably got a bit maudlin on the sherry. We started talking about the old guy, and I mentioned his "war injury". My father and grandmother looked puzzled and asked what I was talking about. It turned out, he had a genetic condition that causes the little finger to curl in, reducing your hand to a claw. To prevent this happening, he had his finger lopped off in 1972. The lying git.

Even better, I'm getting the same thing with my finger now. Can't wait to regale the kids with the story of how I lost it pulling Saddam out of a hole.
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:01, Reply)

My Grandma loudly & proudly sang...
... a full rendition of 'Ching Chong Chinaman' in a Thai restaurant once.

What made it more jaw-droppingly horrifying is she timed her performance to reach a shrill crescendo as our food was served.
(microsaulxp, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 14:00, Reply)

My last birthday card from my gran
came with two second class stamps on the front.

She'd given it to my dad to pass on to me.
(viridian, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:59, Reply)

Mad old people
We had this mad old lesbian, brain warped from years of sapphic desires, down our road when we were kids who hated children playing in the street outside her house.

She'd come out the front whenever we were there, waving a broom, an umbrella, or on one memorable occasion, something that resembled a 14 inch Monster Kong vibrator, threatening us will all kinds of trouble if we didn't clear off pretty sharpish.

"I'll have you all sent to the orphanage"

"I'll have your dog poisoned"

"A spell in the Hitler Youth will do you good"

"I've got a gun and I'm not afraid to use it"

"I've got a friend who's a judge and he'll have your parents sent to prison, you mark my words"

The fruitcake.

Revenge. We put a dog turd in a paper bag, set fire to it and left it on her doorstep, and watched in fits of laughter as she stamped out the flames.

She told our parents, who congratulated us on our efforts.

_________________________

Choaderboy's effort reminds me of my late great aunt. She invited herself to stay, and while we were watching Top of the Pops one Thursday evening, you could see she was fit to explode.

After watching an entire programme of punx, metallists and weirdoes, her only comment was one of disgust at OMD: "He's got his shirt tails hanging out!"

We thought she'd finished, but as the end credits rolled, she trumped this with the immortal "There's far too many darkies on television these days."

She's dead and my brother got her car.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:59, Reply)

My dear old Gran
didn't get a colour TV until the mid 80's. She believed the technology hadn't been perfected and the colour could be *dangerous*.
(BeAst - did it wrong on:, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:55, Reply)

Whilst driving through
Nottingham in January, with ground all covered in snow, on of my colleagues spotted an Ice cream salesman. He remarked, "How odd, you wouldn't think it worth their while in this weather". Alec, a bloke in his late 60's due to retire, pipes up, "Actually kid this is their busiest time of year". What a cock

He also told me, after me reading an article about the steering on Mondeo's going to the left due to a fault, that Ford has engineered this in case you fell asleep at the wheel, it would gradually take you off the road on the left.

Stupid old fucker.
( DrPoppers Touched by his noodly appendage, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:54, Reply)

My gran asked me yesterday
"What is your wife's name?"

Ok, so she's getting (very) old, but 1) we've been going out for 11 years, and 2) we've never got married.
( chthonic, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:53, Reply)

When I was off to work in France
I visited my gran to say goodbye. As I left she warned me to 'watch out for the wogs'.
(Choaderboy, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:53, Reply)

My Yorkshire thru-and-thru Grandad would ban the following from pubs:
"Television, except for sport" (Good point).

"Very loud music, it's good to talk." (Fair.)

"Jukeboxes" (Not sure.)

"Pool tables" (Eh?)

"Cooked food." (No Sunday roasts???)

"Women." (!!!!!)

I asked "But Grandad, why even go to the pub?"

Having gone too far, but refusing to back-track, he simply looked to the horizon of his mind and said...

"I don't know lad, I don't know."
(microsaulxp, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:52, Reply)

OPATBTT

"Do you know there are places in space further away that Australia?"

/friend's mum. That is all.
(Smudger, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:52, Reply)

Whenever my grandma
learned that someone had died -- a celebrity she liked, a neighbour, a relative, etc -- she would always say,
"He sure made good doughnuts."
(norumbegan, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:51, Reply)

My Gran (RIP)...
was always sad that she couldn't have any great grandchildren. Brother's girlfriend is Chinese, mine is Indian...
"Poor boys can't have any kids because they'd look too funny..."
( pattwat, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:50, Reply)

my dad's gone a bit funny upstairs.
he has longhand names for everything, the tv guide is called 'that thing that tells you what programs are on at which time' and the remote control is called 'the thing which you use to change the program on the tv'
conversations can be a little bit lengthly
( summat to do with kittens, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:48, Reply)

When i was
younger, I did odd jobs, grass cutting etc in an old womans house. Anyway, after a while, she stopped paying for these things, but made me the odd cup of tea, before eventually telling me she was leaving me £50 on her will. At 13, this sounded fucking brill, except I'm now 20, and she's still kicking around, fine health, no doubt duping some other kid into cutting her grass ad changing lightbulbs for her.
( Steak the weegie: I though I had gone?!?!?!?!?!, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:48, Reply)

My dear sweet nan
keeps telling people she has been to Toyland (instead of Thailand, see? SEE?)
( Shoosh up your lips Not state-funded, Thu 11 Mar 2004, 13:46, Reply)