Cat's Ass
We had a white cat with a few spots, including a black one under her tail. One day my sis and I caught gran trying to wipe it off with a cloth.
( scartoonist, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 22:08, Reply)

"I'm going home now", that's what they said
I laughed. Maniacally, in fact
( dotmund .co.uk, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 22:04, Reply)

Old People Talk Bollocks
Its a bit late but.
I once had an old woman phone me up and accuse me of stealing her telephone number.(wtf??)
(Captain Cretin, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 21:59, Reply)

Grandads and landlords... featuring old biddies (bonus track)
Ah! My first post! Creepin out of the shadows... anyway, my grandad, God rest his soul (though I say that, I am agnostic, but anyway), used to dismiss everything, in a thick cockney accent, as "thassa loada rubbish!". My current landlord is in his fifties and to boot, he's Iranian, so his English isn't 100%. Being old, he talks in a very long winded style, but here's the gist of a couple of jokes he told me recently...

"A girl goes to the market and buys red knickers. She wears them and shows them to her boyfriend but he doesn't like them, he says she should wear green. So the girl says 'There's green outside, do you want it inside as well?'"

"A man is at his office when his wife rings and says there's a fire at his home. So he goes home and he can't see a fire. He looks in the living room, no fire, looks in the kitchen, no fire, looks in the bathroom, no fire. So he goes into the bedroom, sees his wife there, naked, spread-eagled on the bed, and he says 'Where's the fire?' and she points to her pussy and says 'Here...'.

Then the landlord added his masterstroke, "'..... need water!'"

Also, when I was shown my new house by the landlord, he told me that he wanted the deposit up front, as you'd expect. But he didn't say it like that. He said (and this is the short version) "It's like, when you go to a shop and ask for milk, you want the milk, but the shopkeeper asks for the money first!". And then, bizarrely, he also said "When you go to a club, and you meet a girl, you MUST have the condom, because *you do NOT want the disease*!".

I'm still trying to understand the connection between deposits for houses and HIV. Earlier on today I asked about renting the whole house from him and he talked about twelve year olds and petrol stations that have gone bankrupt... your guess is as good as mine.

Oh! I just remembered. I work part time at a petrol station, and last week a doddery old dear came in to pay for £19 worth of petrol and a bag of Mint Imperials, at a cost of £1.60. She paid for them on her card, at a total cost of £20.60. A few minutes later, Mint Imperials in hand, she came back in to say that the display on the pump read £19, but her card receipt said £20.60. Why the extra £1.60? I swiftly went and pointed out the fact that she'd also paid for the Mint Imperials that were *in her hand* and she finally clicked. Which provided me and the people in the queue with a good chuckle. Ah, the onset of senility. Bless.
(GroovyGranule, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 21:33, Reply)

My grandad always used to say
that when the ice cream van was playing his music, it'd run out of ice cream.

ducks to avoid barrage of related answers
( GazChap, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 20:36, Reply)

my nan RIP bless her
she had so many gems...her favorite was when we were visiting on a sunday and she was cooking, we would ask her what it was and she would always say "shit with egg in"...also the time "five and twenty to"...whats that all about?
(hense, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 20:35, Reply)

Olf people talk bollocks
My mother, who is 83 on monday, has come out with some gems. When the OAPS were in London protesting about the Community Charge she said "I see the pensioners are holding their exhibition today", "That Charlie Dimmock, how can she know anything about gardening, she doesn't even wear a bra". She calls my daughter, whos name is Tallulah, Diane, my Partner whos name is Sue, Fiona and me (Robert) Jimmy!! She also said "Your car has got bigger since the last time I saw it"!.
(BOBNESS, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 20:21, Reply)

Off the top of my head
The funniest thing I've heard recently was from my dad (he's only 49 though), when my mum informed him it was Shrove Tuesday:
"I didn't know it was mushroom day".

Somehow the word "pancake" became "mushroom" on the long journey between his brain and his mouth. I think he's just been watching too much badger badger badger badger.
( useful_idiot, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 19:52, Reply)

racist in denial....
My Nan's classic: "Well you know me, I'm not at all racist, but I wouldn't want darkies living next door".
(Whippet, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 19:51, Reply)

Beat this then:
A very nice elderly lady I know once rang me in a bit of a state to report that she'd lost her telephone - the very telephone she was ringing me on - and was somewhat embarassed when I pointed out that she was using what she was trying to report missing...
(Snitter the Rat, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 19:06, Reply)

Millennium Bug?
My grandmother's gift to me a couple of years ago on my eighteenth birthday was a big shiny new dictionary, a lovely gift. On the inside she had lovingly written me a message. 'Happy birthday, to my darling granddaughter on your birthday - 29/09/1902. In her reluctance to move into the twenty first century she has apparently opted to go back a hundred years and start all over again. My sis and I laughed til my next birthday about that one.
(Neo Nervosa, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 18:57, Reply)

paranoid grandad
my grandad (rip) once described to me at great length about how Beechams (maker of cold remedy "Beechams powders") were responsible for people getting colds every year. He reasoned that once you have a cold should then be immune, but Beechams "made" new bugs each year so people would get another cold and buy more medicine. Blessox!
(gaybudgies, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 18:11, Reply)

My granda's a fantastic bloke
but I'll never forget the time we were out camping and he pointed to the sky, with a look of admiration in his face, as if he were about to make some poignant comment about existence (he trained as a priest), and all he said was, "That cloud looks like a penis. Look, it's a big cock in the sky *sigh*".
( Pretender, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:46, Reply)

Crazy OAP's
I am one luck enough to have a fookin hilarious great uncle, who was brought up in the kind of environment where everyone said thing that are racist as fuck, whith no malicious intention at all.

Many a time in the supermarket we'd have the sheer pleasure of watching the look of shock cross peoples faces when he'd say something like

"you must think I came over on the last banana boat" to the black checkout girl.

One of my fondest memories of him is in a takeaway after the match when he said to the asian lad behind the counter;

"are you enjoying our country then?"

To which the lad said; "i'm english mate"

Old Unc then replied "Thats the spirit!"

Fuckin' pure comedy.
(mondo_generator420, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:44, Reply)

grannies
my nan never asks if its raining, she always says "do it rain"
Also my grandad was wearing some nice trousers & when asked what make they were my nan said "they 're gucky" She meant gucci
(jonesy, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:34, Reply)

Grans and illness
Poor old dear... keeps wanting a computer, but there is no way I am going to try and teach her how to use it - I have enough trouble with people at work...

Her latest big change is the fact that whenever you ask her how she is, you recieve a breakdown on how few years, nay days she has left on this world and how bad her corns are. Opposite to that is the fact that my Grandfather has NEVER complained, and yet has been ill, we have only found out about bad hips / diabetes when we get calls from A&E.

My gran however has now told us that she has been passing blood for three weeks and do we think she should see a doctor? FFS!
( Geej, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:25, Reply)

Old people smell like dried wee
and catfood
(lifelikeandposeable, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:23, Reply)

Not my mum, but a friend's mum...
...who likes her Coke and Rums. Friend came home one evening, having left her mum looking after her flat, to find the television up full blast, and her mum in a panic in front of it, surrounded by every remote control in the house screaming "Why won't this bloody work?" It was because the thing she was frantically pointing and jabbing at the TV was - a mobile phone. She also asked when they came to collect the pound coins from said phones; she honestly thought that pay-as-you-go mobiles had coin slots. Among her other delightful foibles were barking random statements like "Do you like tights?!" and "Actually, I'm a very sexual person!"

However, she topped all this one evening when lying pissed on her daughter's sofa, peering myopically (and drunkenly) at Whitney Houston warbling away on VH-1. Turning to her offspring she opined "That Celine Dion's getting helluva negroid-looking!"
(littlenicola, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:16, Reply)

my grandfather (also RIP)
not to mention my grandad, who looked up when i entered the room and said:

by 'eck, that lad looks like our rachel.

i wouldn't mind, but i'm a 36dd!

i did grow my hair after that though...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:04, Reply)

...shoulders....
I've just remembered another thing about my grandmother - she used to get very irritated about all the sexy scenes on TV in films etc. and she'd always complain saying "there are far too many shoulders on television" or "did you see that film last night - all shoulders - disgusting!" Naked shoulders!! How shocking!?
(Hazy, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:03, Reply)

My step-grandfather,
when he was in the hospitol for a little while, thought that his feet were rabbits, and he kept trying to catch them.
( droogii why stay still when you can roll, Fri 12 Mar 2004, 17:01, Reply)