I was a slow learner. It should have been just the once.
For all I knew all women were that big and sloppy.
I didn't know for sure if I was in, I just had to take her grunts as affirmation.
I didn't know you weren't supposed to have to finish yourself off after she went to sleep.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 4:48, 2 replies)

LOOK AT ALL THESE CANDLES

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 14 Mar 2014, 0:15, 8 replies)

Years ago...
...I had to travel to the North East for work. I was due to be there for a couple of days, so my company had booked me into a reasonably priced hotel, however the client I was visiting was based a little way out of Newcastle city centre. And so it was that I found myself, on a wet Tuesday night, alone in the delightful surrounds of North Shields.

The hotel was a real Travel Tavern sort of place, and on this particular night was almost completely deserted. Bored out of my mind, I had little option but to trudge disconsolately up the A193 in search of a semi-decent pub. I wandered into the first one I found, and luckily it wasn't the kind of boozer where you get stabbed for looking at the pool table. In fact it was quite nice - they had a fire going and a range of local guest ales. I picked one at random and settled down in a quiet corner. Unfortunately I'd failed to check the strength of my chosen beverage (about 7.6% ABV, I later learned), so after about six pints, instead of being nicely fuzzy I was really quite hammered.

Long story short, I accidentally got pissed on my own in Tynemouth.
(Joy Division Oven Gloves Death to false metal, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 23:43, 6 replies)

One Night in Hong Kong
A couple of years ago I went on holiday to Hong Kong. One night I ended up in a bar and pulled a Filipino bird. We got a taxi back to my hotel. By that time of the night I was pretty drunk and knackered. Not wanting to disappoint her, during the taxi ride back to my hotel I popped a little blue pill I'd picked up from a "traditional" Chinese pharmacy just in case of this situation occurring.

We got back to the hotel and got down to business. She was young, lithe and would've easily got my soldier standing to attention without the medicinal aid I'd used regardless of how drunk I was. Eventually she left, she was a domestic helper and had to return to her employers ready to start back at work the next day.

Being rather sweaty now after the fun we'd just had, I decided to clean myself up. I went into the bathroom, ran the taps and jumped in the tub. Unfortunately by this point the drunkenness combined with the relaxing-ness of the hot bath meant I quickly found myself needing the toilet. Adding to that I was still sporting an erection that would put a horse to shame well... long story short, I pissed in my own mouth.
(danishbacon is haram yes?, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 22:53, 13 replies)

Has your mum been done?
I assume numerous times by different people is the answer.
( Muns, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 20:55, 13 replies)

I have some simple pieces of advice:
1. If a fellow queer says they "just happened to have some nappies left by a relative", they're lying. Whatever floats your boat mate, but the idea of buggery with a baby is not my cup of tea.

2. Never go anywhere without cab fare home, lest you end up lost and stranded in one of the stranger parts of Gateshead still drunk and due at work an hour later.

3. Be suspicious of good blow jobs; keep a lookout for a glass by the bedside with false teeth in it.
( jonbob loves you, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 20:29, 8 replies)

Manage to pull at a house party, proceeded to get up to all sorts despite being pissed up. Feeling pretty smug I was, until I went for a piss, turned the bathroom light on and caught a glimpse of coco the carnivorous sex clown in the mirror. Ah, that's why she tasted of aluminium down there.
(Amberleaf, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 20:02, 9 replies)

Fancy dress party, I was dressed as a very drunk guy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses, she was dressed as a fairy (I think, couldn't really see much through the sunglasses).
We walked to her house which was nearby, I discovered she was on her period, made my excuses saying I had to go to work (this was in the early hours of sunday morning and I was a student) and then went back to the party where I shoved my bloody hand in my mate's face and he vomited.

I think she might have been fat :(
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 19:54, 6 replies)

When I was sixteen I fell in love with a girl as sweet as can be.
But I remembered just in time what my daddy said to me.

"Up the bum
no harm done
it worked with mum
or 'Steve', as he likes to be known now."
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 19:45, Reply)

not me, but the guy i wasted almost my entire 3 years of university dating (let's call him oswald. because his real name was even dumber)
our halls were comprised of flats. about halfway through the first term, my flatmate decided we needed to invite the other flats in the block to the pub, so we did. i'd seen Oswald around, but never really spoken to him. that night we got on very well, and eventually ended up in his room having a late night beer and chat (nothing happened for a few more weeks. perhaps because of what happened next).

I asked him idly why there were no sheets on his bed. he pointed to where they were crumpled in the corner of the room. I was expecting him to say that he hadn't got up in time for the laundry van or something, but no. no, he said:

"you know that little mate of Emily's with the bright red hair, nicky*? well, I shagged her and she came on all over them halfway through."

this would be gross enough now (not so much the coming on, can't really be helped I guess, but KEEPING THEM IN THE CORNER OF YOUR ROOM? URRRGH, THERE WAS A LAUNDRETTE NEXT DOOR), but I was 18 and innocent. I nearly died of shock.

* her name was nicky burrow, and I promptly renamed her "sticky furrow" which stuck for the rest of the 3 years.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 19:06, 1 reply)

i dun a vicar up the whoopsie

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 18:47, 3 replies)

I met a sexy lady and we got together and did it. I did a real sex wee in her furry garden and everything too.

(danishbacon is haram yes?, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 17:55, 1 reply)

Last?
Surely this QOTW must end?
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 17:52, Reply)

It wasn't even a night.
We met, we chatted, we went back to hers and had sex, she got off and then told me to leave.

Had I any feelings, they would have been of being used.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:59, 5 replies)

There was an older guy when I was a younger queer guy. One of my first one night stands after
entering the heady world of the "gay scene". He gave me the best blow job of my life, it has never been bettered. One night stand disaster, blow jobs ruined for what appears to be forever. Still, keep on trying - one or two have come close to that encounter.
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:55, 7 replies)

It was more of a drunken knee-trembler in the basement of a building in Xaverian college in 1986. We were next to where the bikes were locked up and there was an RE class going on about 20 feet away. She also had a broken leg in a plaster at the time. We both became known as slags thereafter and it wasn't long before I left. Shit shag as well.
(chovnik, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:49, 1 reply)

your mum

(Eukanuba, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:40, Reply)

A guy I knew at uni drunkenly attempted the college bike.
He claims he sobered up about 5 minutes (and a few inches) in, stopped, declared "fuck this!", pulled up his trousers and left without any further ado.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:37, 2 replies)

Alright guys
Let's have a good QOTW this time round - minimal bad puns and general ass-hattery (not even the good kind).
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:34, 8 replies)

I got first night nerves
on me one night stand...
( Vambo, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:27, Reply)

It's been a while since I last waited for the last bus.

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:26, 3 replies)

I got caught in a salmon trap once when I was a kid.
The river near the holiday site was swollen due to rain and the current pulled me under. I had to wait until the water pushed me out the other side.
It was a bit scary being trapped under there.

IT'S A TARP!!
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:25, 1 reply)

By the second gig I'd given up and gone back to holding the microphone myself.

(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:22, Reply)

There's one night stand on the right hand side of my bed
and another on the left
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:20, Reply)

This'll go well.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:19, 1 reply)

Now this is just silly.
Assuming people on here have ever had sex?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:18, 1 reply)

oh man, just missed the trapped qotw
had a really good story about being trapped too :(
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:17, 1 reply)

... and there was a cup of tea on the bedside table.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:16, Reply)

first yeah but does not seem to matter anymore

(chovnik, Thu 13 Mar 2014, 16:13, Reply)