i got into trouble for posting this a few years ago, when my friend found it, and the mods had to delete it. so i'll try again, but this time with the names changed properly.
After we had all graduated university, two of my friends lily and rose decided to do a round the world trip. To make money for the trip, lily got a temporary job. On her very first day there, she met philip, and fell instantly in love. Philip was dark and handsome and he totally knew it. he was also newly graduated and working there for 6 months until his "real" job started in London. lily was gagging for it and every time she saw him, she looked like a tramp spying special brew through the Iceland window. Finally her chance came: a staff night out.

Having been plied with beer, philip succumbed to lily's charms (well, two of them) and they ended up snogging outside the restaurant. Drunkenly forgetting the fact that she had come on earlier than expected that evening, and her pants looked like a columbine classroom, she invited herself back to his place. He was a bit uncomfortable about taking her home, as he was still living with his parents, but was finally persuaded.

They crept into the house and only after they were almost going at it did she remember and tell him about the timing. Too far gone to care, he carried on. all was well, until her brain suddenly remembered a story about another friend of ours who'd had sex whilst wearing a tampon, and subsequently had to go to hospital to remove it, as she couldn't find the string. This unpleasant thought wormed its way into her brain until finally she had to tell him to stop. This didn't go down too well.

But it went down better than her next request. After a few minutes of grappling uselessly and drunkenly inside herself, she returned from the bathroom and said hopelessly, "I can't find it. You look for it." to give him credit, he did not run a mile from the glistening bloody cavern of death. He fished around politely, and finally located it. but instead of just loosening the string, he pulled out the whole thing and handed it to her. Nice.

After that, it didn't look to be happening. so lily decided she would perk things up a bit. Bending over and looking saucily over her shoulder, she offered him his first ever chance to become a poo pipe pirate. This had the desired effect, and he was rampant. But after a couple of thrusts, she was in agony, and yet again told the poor sod to stop. His frantically romantic offers of "a bit of Vaseline" did nothing for her, and eventually he stropped off to sleep on the floor.

Imagine waking up and remembering all that had happened, not with a boyfriend with whom you were very comfortable and familiar, but on your first time with a hot colleague. Then imagine the only thing that could make it worse… a tongue lapping enthusiastically at your scarlet crusted inner thighs. This was lily's alarm clock the morning afterwards. Perhaps philip hadn't been utterly repelled after all. except that his chin wasn't quite that hairy, and his tongue wasn't quite that wet…. It was the family's Yorkshire terrier, which had burrowed under the blankets.

The icing on the cake was looking up to see his mother framed in the doorway, looking in utter horror at the vampire strumpet in her precious son's bed, receiving a near rugmunch from the family dog.

When she told us all what had happened, we were too horrified to laugh. She asked plaintively if we thought there was any chance left with him. After a moment, my friend's boyfriend said what nobody else wanted to, "well i wouldn't be rushing back there."

He was absolutely right.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 9:52, 25 replies)

I know those girls
Nice story Hyacinth.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Tue 18 Mar 2014, 10:36, closed)

Names changed
From Rachelswipe to Lily...
( jagwap, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 10:56, closed)

I didn't know you were friends with a mod.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:28, closed)

secret powers, baby

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:32, closed)

It's b3th, isn't it?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:55, closed)

no
i think she can only do OT

anyway, SECRET.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:58, closed)

Smell her fingers.
Winalot and poo, right there.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 18:27, closed)

that's just your breath

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 18:49, closed)

Fucking hell, shitter comebacks than Dozer.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 22:04, closed)

whoa too fucking far badger boy
that's really fucking unfair and offensive
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 23:08, closed)

The dog was the real vampire in that story.

( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:33, closed)

yorkshire terriers can be nasty little shits

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 11:58, closed)

There really is no need for sex to be that difficult.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 12:23, closed)

This could all have got done without a problem
if only she had remembered to tie a tennis ball to her tampon.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 13:42, closed)

Soooo much grimness there
click, of course.
(SpangoTheWonderBadger is brewing beer, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 15:49, closed)

oh god

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 18:48, closed)

Jesus...

( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 18 Mar 2014, 19:06, closed)

So, a lucky escape from a horrific prude, then?
(cs1ca, Tue 18 Mar 2014, 20:57, closed)

Yeah, the fucking prude. Fucking willingly retrieving a fucking painter's rag from the cunt of a woman in the midst of her hemorrhagic hell, and then fucking diving into her boite du fucking merde as an alternative to using the front fucking door.

Fucking prude.
(SlantedScience, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 0:53, closed)

^upset prude

(showman, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 3:38, closed)

^underneath upset prude

(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 9:43, closed)

Where was he when the dog joined in?
(cs1ca, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 10:43, closed)

at the back end of the dog

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:13, closed)

Was he a mod?
(cs1ca, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 17:48, closed)

I like this.
Chortling at "vampire strumpet".
( .Yeti. El amor en los tiempos del cólera, Wed 19 Mar 2014, 9:00, closed)