Twas primary school
I was in class and we had a cover teacher instead of the nice normal teacher I usually got. Turns out she was the merciless evil one who had something against me.
Now, im not good at concentration, and even today i find lessons boring. Merciless evil bitch keeps forcing me to work even though I dont understand the work. Eventually I crack, and in that exact moment everything goes silent as I scream at her:
"STOP PUTTING PRESSURE ON ME!" And burst into tears.
Had to be ushered out of class by assistant head, was calmed, and he sent me back in to apologise to that fat cow at the end of the day! She never apologised to me! The most embarressing situation in my life, and I feel as though I've got more to come

Hope she dies soon, damn her.
(A Jimmy, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 18:23, Reply)

Out of my depth?!
Oh yes... doing a PhD. Three years after deciding how much fun it would be to stay a student for an extra 3 years, I've now got to produce a 60,000+ word thesis and defend it. D'oh!!! Added to this I'm now paying for it myself as the money has run out.....
(emma_fisi, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 18:14, Reply)

Also in Australia
I was scuba diving on the barrier reef in australia -my first time, and i was crapping it as I'm not a strong swimmer but I didn't want to admit this to my Australian girlfriend. She just naturally assumed I could swim quite strongly (however us brits don't have the strongest focus on swimming in schools and growing up in Rhyl my aversion to swimming in the sea is quite apparent!). Anyway after going through equipment check and checking every thing and doing them test things in the water with the instructor the time came to 'dive' to the sea bed. I found this difficult I just could not sink...no matter how much my legs flailed and kicked i would not sink - not a problem...extra weightage applied on tank - sinking achieved!!

Everything was going 'swimmingly' (sry)apart from me not being able to then keep myself afloat from the coral - all the extra weightage! Luckily the instructor did not see this or I would have been hauled out of the water.
Anyway things were going fine untill I spotted a reef shark!! They're not huge but still it's a fucking shark!
I was shitting myself at this point and clamped my jaw so hard that I bit through my regulater mouth piece. I knew this because I swallowed the piece of rubber than was keeping the thing in my mouth.The regulator shot out of my mouth and I then really started to panic but still did not want to lose face in front of my girlfriend, managing to retrieve the stray regulator I carried on for another twenty minutes trying to swim with one arm whilst holding the regulator to my mouth in the other.



Never did it occur to me to use the spare regulator!!!
( dazzyboy, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 16:41, Reply)

Learning to paraglide in australia
You do stuff in the classroom, some stuff on a shallow slope with very little danger.

Then you do a tandem flight to see if you really do want to fly.

Then you get to do solo flights and you need about 25-30 of them with lots more classroom before you get the license.

well - I start the solo flights where basically a bloke with a radio on the top of the mountain says left, right, etc and halfway thru a bloke on the ground does the same.

1200 foot up in the air, first solo flight, hanging underneath bits of string and a piece of cloth, radio stops working....

now thats out of your depth..
( pregnantfridge, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 15:41, Reply)

Monged out
Was about 15 and thought getting myself into the school play would be a good way out of double science (physics specifically). Lines learnt and the rehearsals go fine and I'd thought I'd mastered acting...

1 day before the play opens we get to perform the play to about 200 tards from the 'speshul' school down the road.

Theres something about 200 people looking at you drooling and crapping themselves that completely wipes your mind of everything. I forgot all my lines, and ended up having them mouthed to me by a very disappointed teacher. Still manged to get em wrong. The next day, when it actually opened they actually wrote my lines down and made me take them on stage!

Have been terrified of tards since.

Woo - My first post!
(wossname, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 15:06, Reply)

17, in another country
and full of myself. I went to a party, got exceedingly drunk and started talking about computers with a bloke. Four years of mucking about with BASIC I thought I could program anything. "Yeah, I can program in C", I slurred.

Monday morning, friend reminds me I have a new job. Automating factory production lines.

I spent the first morning reading a "How to program in C" book and the rest of the week winging it. After the first week we had a little chat and he moved me to the slightly less mission-critical job of making the menus look pretty.

Strangely, nearly 20 years later, I still make things look pretty for a living.
( chthonic, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 14:07, Reply)

Oh good lord....
I've been known to do the odd bit of dancing and singing and at school I would be in every show going if at all possible. Anyway one such particular show myself and 6 others ended up doing the song and dance to Sclub7's 'Dont Stop' (yes i know...i hate them too but this was all in the name of art and I was young and stupid!). Well we performed at the school concert, huge applause, teachers all impressed etc etc all good.

A few months later a friend was producing a show in a theatre on the otherside of town. A concert. Guess what he asked us to do? No problem, we thought. It went so well last time it should be a doddle. How wrong we were.

During the rehearsal period everyone steadily dropped out until there was only 2 of us left. Then the producer introduced us to a small 10 year old girl that was going to dance in the background. Again - no problem.

Myself and my friend set up for a rehearsal and in came the said-girl...armed with pom-poms. She put on the music and started doing to most godawful dance I have ever witnessed. Remember when you were a kid and you'd fling yourself madly around in the mistaken belief that you are the next Darcy Bussel? Well thats what it was. I immediatley begged the producer to pull her out, which he agreed would be the best idea but cue lots of tears from the girl and shouted abuse from the mother that we wouldnt let her 'play'. (this was NOT a game!).

Producer promised every rehearsal that he was working on getting her out. Every rehersal she was there, pom-poms madly flying. Right up to the night. We were the very first act on and on the night we stepped out on stage and the little girl followed us on...

We performed our best, but we could see the unimpressed, bored faces of the audience and when we finished there was....silence....absolute silence. Nothing. We walked off. The girl cried. Havent been able to listen to it since.



Yes its long, and its girth is mighty, but you love it!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 12:53, Reply)

Cocktails ... Mmmmmm
About 10 years ago I was working in the bar of a very posh 200 bedroom 5-Star hotel, where they did table service.

One evening, the hotel owner, his wife, their 2 kids and the MD all came in and sat down. They were all going to go out, so were dressed up in suits and dresses. Very smart. I went over and took their order, which was something like 2 banana dacquiris, 1 beer, 1 coke & 1 bloody mary. I went to the bar, got the order, and balanced all the drinks around the metal tray.

Now - anyone who's done this before will tell you that when removing the drinks from the tray while balancing it on your other hand - ALWAYS get the weight distribution EVEN (ie - first one side, then the other etc..).

Aaaanyway, I was new at this kind of thing. I removed the beer .. then the coke (which were next door to each other), and the tray did a kind of a flip out of my hand. All the remaining drinks fell, and hit the (rather low) table.

If we're talking nuclear fallout zones, you could say that everyone round the table was in 'Zone 1'. You've never seen anything like it. Everyone was coated in yellow dacquiri slime, and there was glass everywhere. The owner's wife burst into tears (understandable, as her dress was completely fucked), and the 2 kids started laughing. The others just looked blank. The whole bar had gone quiet. I looked around for help, just in time to see the bar manager duck and hide behind the bar.

I was alone. So very alone, and somewhat out of my depth.

Oh - and also, there's the time when I was a novice waiter, and I dropped a large flat of buttered new potatoes into the bride's lap. That didn't go down too well either.
(8-Ball, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 12:49, Reply)

Baby
Try the feeling when, after 5 days, you bring your firstborn back from hospital.

There's a superbly frightening moment when you put the little mite down in the living room in his carry-out car seat, realise that the helpful nurses are miles and miles away, and think: "What the **** do we do now?"

Two years later, he seems fine, so we must be doing *something* right. I'd never have been in such a hurry to grow up if I knew the whole thing would have to be ad-libbed.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 12:45, Reply)

Just because your out of your depth don't mean you have to let them know
Bit of a long one, Football has always been a bit of a bugbear no matter how much i practice i still end being crap at it. One day on the way back into school after a crafty reefer break was called over by my form group because they were one kid down for some inter form football thing rather than concede they tell me to stand there and kick the ball to touch if it comes near me! So I stand there like a stoned cold teenager for 80min till my first touch the ball flies @ me I kick it in one direction it flies off my foot in a random direction and then straight into the goal (so random the keeper didn't see it coming!) might have been well out of my depth but still came out looking like David Beckham. Was a hero for weeks but SSHH don't tell any one what really happened!
(j3fus, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 12:42, Reply)

Another French exam....
.... basically had to ask a question to the examiner as the 'pies de resistance' of the exam. Couldn't speak a word, so a 'mate' gave me a question to ask on my way into the exam.

This led to a two minute tennis-like discussion between the examiner and I of 'Quest qu ce', (which apparently means 'what is it?') where she just repeated the phrase with a puzzled look

Cnut
(dogger collymore, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 12:09, Reply)

Blaggy Blagson
a couple years ago i blagged my up from data inputter to sales co-ordinator because i needed the cash. back then no one minded how long i spent on the web as long as the monthly accounts showed i was better than the last guy. anyway people always asked me about msn and icq and the things i was on. i always boasted about the girls from all over the world i knew. anyway to cut a long story sideways i used web translation to pretend to speak every known language. everyone in my office believed i was mr language. so one day someone has to go to nice then barcelona to do this deal. who do they send - me! with my pride not letting me speak the truth i went and totally fucked everything up for a few days. luckily you can meet some nice people who will come along as your translator aslong as you pay for them to get drunk each night which was a touch as it was not my money. things ended up all right although i do take spanish and german lessons now. i did find out from my translator that they thought i was gay and a bit 'special'....
( MagicallyInept Bored Sig., Mon 18 Oct 2004, 10:51, Reply)

French - Its absoloute Bollocks
During my last 2 years of GCSE's I stupidly took French as my preferred second language.
Well after 2 years of basically falling asleep, pissing around and being a general arse in the lessons, it was time for the final exam. We arrived in the exam room sat down, I was handed a paper which had to be kept face down until the "buzzer" went off.

Off goes said buzzer, I turn the paper over, where it said "Nom" (for name) I wrote 'Le' in front of my name then drew a big sad face on each page of the exam paper, got up and left.

Grade - U (Unmarked) 0.02%

Out of my depth? - FUCKING DROWNING
(hoogie Original Cunt Horse Author, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 10:39, Reply)

My career as a dictator
I went to a primary school with a very small student population and at one point was the only person in my year to be in "white" house for sports day. Being the oldest by about a year, this made me house captain by default. I should point out, this is like putting the Tellytubbies in charge of the Treasury. I neither play, nor enjoy, any field sport whatsoever.

However, being an arrogant little shit, I hand-picked a junior football team anyway and proceeded to hold a pre-match pep talk. I didn't know what any of their questions even meant, especially when they began with references to a Premiership of whose existence I had only the vaguest awareness.

Needless to say, I was rumbled within a day and deposed, by general consensus, in favour of a gang of three girls from the year below me. The shame.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 10:11, Reply)

so when i was, some may say, too young perhaps.
it was a long while back, dont remember all the details, but a girl asked me via AOL "so, you wana cyber?"

not knowing what that meant i naturally agreed. next thing you know i'm trying my best at this whole cyber sex thing and finding it rather boring.

then she stops talking, i wonder why. then i realise that i somehow made a typo of using L instead of S when trying to say somthing like "i kiss you madly"

so it would seem that shortly after losing my cyber virginity i accedently cyber raped the girl to death. very embarasing, had to clean the blood off of the chat window for an hour and then delete the corpse...
(HalfwayHebrew, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 10:04, Reply)

still hurts
so you know how in movies when the guy likes the girl for years and finally gets the nerve to ask her out, then some funny business happens and they get together and live happily ever after?

well, i tried that. she said no. fu¢k.
(HalfwayHebrew, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 9:49, Reply)

That class i failed.
so last semester i failed a class... i needed the units so i asked the prof if i could get in, even though i was a grade too low and not a psychology major. so the final rolls around, or as i like to call it my chance to save my slowly failing grade, and i realise as i'm trying to cram the night before that i have no idea what i'm doing and that i can't cram for an in class power point presentation on a project that i was supposed to have been doing all year long. so i just e-mailed the teacher and told him i would just take the failing grade since i more than earned it, and finally got some sleep (damn 8:00am classes).
(HalfwayHebrew, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 9:44, Reply)

Bob the builder
Many moons ago, on finishing a sort of education I got myself a job as a trainee Surveryor with t'local council.
Now this job sent me to college every Wednesday to study the enthralling 'Building Studies'. What this entailed I don't know as Wednesdays became a good opportunity to do ANYTHING other than go to college.And to my surprise I got away with this for about five months. Then came a test. And obviously I knew nothing. And wrote as much on the exam paper.

Decided that such was my 'up to my neck in it' that it might be best to leave the job before they got the results....
(MrJelly, Mon 18 Oct 2004, 8:18, Reply)

When I was about 9 or 10, in my first year of middle school
I had a crush on a girl in my class. Naturally, I asked her out. And not quite grasping that no means no, I kept on asking, several times over the next few days.

Next thing I know I get called to the head of the year's office and she informs me that said girl's parents have written to her claiming I am sexually harrassing the girl. As if that wasn't bad enough, I was then frogmarched back to my class where I had to stand in front of everyone and apologise for sexually harrassing her.

Needless to say it was a few years before I asked a girl out again.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 22:07, Reply)

speech day...
In my last year of sixth form, i was persuaded (ie. forced) to play the trumpet in the school prizegiving. Even though I'd been playing for 9 years, i was not used to playing solos in front of 800+ people.

To make matters worse, the head,arranged the programme so that I played right after the 11 year old child prodigy pianist who'd just played in the young musician of the year final. After the little kid's standing ovation, my name was announced, 300 students laughed very loudly, and i'm sure the parents were silently pissing themselves too.

I got up, thought "fuck it" and said to the amassed crowd "how do you follow that?" which got more laughs. I started, fucked up after about 2 minutes through a mixture of nerves, sheer heat of being underneath intense lights in full school uniform (top button done up and everything!), and the considerable amount of dutch courage that my mates had plied me with down the local two hours beforehand. I stopped, turned to the guy accompanying me and said "shall we try that again?" before continuing, dying on my arse and just wanting to get off the stage. Once i finished though, i got the most sympathetically huge round of applause and standing ovation, that it made it seem not so bad (even though it was bloody awful).

For the rest of the year, the nicknames "trumpet boy" and "trumpers" followed me round the school...
( The Running Man, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 17:58, Reply)

In the pub
only a few weeks ago, i was reaquainting myself with my Belgian student mate who was back over for the start of the new uni term. Out with us were his other flatmates; who were a collection of assorted continental Europeans.

So after several pints and the lecturing of how to swear and actually offend a Glaswegian (no mean feat) the topic swung round to why hardly anyone in britain can speak another language. Sticking up for Blighty in a beer fuelled moment of ill advised patriotism i decalred i spoke German, and i studied it for 4 years at school. Sdly my knowledge of German extentd to botschafter might mean ambassador. Cue skeptical question in german missing a response. Fucksocks.
(Rushy, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 15:37, Reply)

Recorders - spawn of Satan
Eh up,
I tried to learn the recorder at junior school. I really did. Well, for about three weeks before realising that it was a total waste of time. However, I was far to embarrased to admit this. I just pretended to play in music lessons. Then came the concert for the parents.

My cunning plan was becoming ever so slightly less cunning.

I was on the stage with my class attempting to play the recorder in front of a few hundred people, including my parents. I just stood there (fortunately at the back) and moved my fingers, utterly out of time to everyone else.

Then came the tears.

I _hate_ recorders.
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 14:15, Reply)

mushyrooms. .....
.... first time i discovered the wonder of certain psychoactive substi i made the mistake of deciding to hang out with some rather straight types.... at some point it was decided to go to the pub.... who seeded this evil thought ill never truly know but off we went ..... the walk to the local involved taking a shortcut across the local park.... it was pretty park. it had a small collection of trees in the middle and a path running diagonally across and past the trees..... as we got to the park i realised to my delight that i could no longer believe all that I saw ..... there where arms growing all over the park, each one with a perfect hand reaching up to the cloudless starry sky..... the small bunch of trees was now not only in the middle of the park but also in bonsai form at intervals all down the edge of the path..... i ran through the field of arms like a gambling lamb, laughing and shouting at the normal people telling them of my fabulous new found world ..... suddenly i realised that no one was answering me, so i turned to look at my companions standing up to there knees in arms ..... the look of shock and in part disgust, on their faces to this day still haunts me ...... for it was then i realised, they where seriously out of there depth ....... suckers!
(charley, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 14:05, Reply)

Went to work in Paris
As I approached the person on the front desk I realised for the first time that I'd not spoken french in about 3 years.

Got a job as a Black and White photo printer. I could do the printing bit, but apparently I was supposed to understand (and mend) the inner workings of an Ilford print processor (which i used for just a short while at college) I spent my first day hiding in a darkroom reading the manual.

I now run my own business - not out of my depth yet, but I am slightly anxious about the bit when i have to employ people.
( Citizen Cavy Admires your passion for conformity, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 11:49, Reply)

Not myself, but the class numpty in R.E.
Back in school, many moonies ago, we had a guy in our R.E. class, who for argument's sake was called Brian Barnard (fuck the anon stuff). A typical R.E. based question was asked, which was rather surprising as all of us knew the answer. Well all of us, bar 1;

"Can you tell me why we celebrate christmas?"
Big show of hands - up, even from the bullies on this £100 starter question from Who wants to be a Millionaire.

"Brian, can you tell me?"...we glance over as he didn't raise his hand.

"Erm...errr...we have presents n that.."

"Yes...and?"

"Erm....er...decorations n the tree n that."

"Ok...what else?"

Brian, digging from the barrel now "Family have dinner together..."

"Think more to do with God and that Brian."

"Dunno miss."

"Birth of Jesus? How about that you thick cunt." Ok, well she didn't say that, but the look she gave screamed it through a megaphone at all of us. Thick backward twat.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 11:44, Reply)

Out of my depth
Being a bit _of ^a wizz at the old HTML as you can see i agreeded to make my friends dad a website for his buisness.
still not started 0.o
its been 3 years now and counting
( willenium Fist bump for verification, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 11:24, Reply)

Mwaahaahaahaaa
I grew up in a small, rough housing estate called Bonhill (near Loch Lomond, Scotland) which was teeming with chavs and junkies. One day a skinhead chav threatened asked me if I wanted 'plugged' with his shotgun (told you it was rough) I plainly replied "er...not really"
Little did he realise that my brother-in-law is one of the meanest and hardest man-bears in the area. Cue my big-bro knocking his door and yanking both him and his friend up with a firm had round each of their necks and explained that I was a nice guy who IS NOT to be harrassed. (I only discovered this after skinhead apologised profusely to me upon our next meeting)

Out of my depth? He wishes!!!

Skinhead-chav-junkie-scummy-bum-nugget!

Tis all
( diablo290582 Professional.....something., Sun 17 Oct 2004, 9:15, Reply)

Fourth grade band...
Once in class, the teacher found me playing the theme to Star Wars on a xylophone. Assuming I was some sort of expert he thrust a booklet of sheet music in my hand, entitled "The Score from Star Wars" and told me to play it at the concert THE NEXT DAY...SOLO (no pun intended).

The problem is, I'd simply memorized ONE LINE of the Star Wars theme, and couldn't actually read music.

Friday night I'm all dressed up on stage. Hundreds of parents and students staring at me. He waved the baton.

DING DING DOK.

I played three notes of a vaguely Chinese-sounding song, then sat down.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 8:54, Reply)

College magazine
The other day... friday as it happened to be i discovered that two of my friends had become editors of a alternative music magazine at my college. However i realize this as they turn up outside my Comm. studies class demanding because i am a 'goth type' i must therefore write a article about 'that kind of music'

Pfft punks are priceless aint they.
(Pimms'N'Lemonade thinks you are a twat, prove me wrong., Sun 17 Oct 2004, 1:55, Reply)

Walks and utter public humiliation
I once agreed to do a 40 mile cross country walk in 12 hours. The most walking I ususally do is to the kebab shop down the end of our road, but for some reason I thought it'd be a piece of piss. Well, here's a heads up guys, 40 miles is a twatting long way. Wore my dad's hiking boots, which i think date pre-war, and got blisters within a couple of miles. My arse started chafing within 5. Old duffers in lycra would jog past me, waving and saying things like "only 35 miles to go lad". I retired at 28 miles (which only took me 9 hours, hurruh!), demoralised, embarrassed, barely able to stand and generally feeling like a bit of a tit.

Also, last christmas got approached by a friend in a pub asking if I wanted to be in the "smoker". The smoker is a medical school thing involving dancing girls, purile medical school humour, comedy giant phalluses etc etc. I asked what I had to do, she says that I just have to sit on stage and be lap-danced to. I have absolutely no problem with being lap danced, as long as it's done tastefully and is vital to the plot, so I say ok. I turned up to rehersals and said friend hands me a tiny leopard print thong. I say what's this, she says that's your costume. In the end I had to stand on stage in a lab coat, a thong and a bow tie, being slowly stripped of the coat by attractive young freshers, while 500+ pissed up medics laugh at my puny muscles. Luckily I was very, very drunk.
(donksta, Sun 17 Oct 2004, 1:20, Reply)