A Proppa Cuppa
The giving of gifts should make us feel warm and generous. It's not truly selfless; it leaves us feeling happy that we've provided a little slither of joy for someone and that should always be the reward we receive in return.

And so it was when, as I strolled around Sainsbury's last just-before-Christmas, that I spied a pint glass / tankard style mug among the "cheap gifts to disappoint your work colleagues who insist on doing secret-fucking-santa" section.

"My flatmate likes tea and he likes pints of things; he'll fucking love this!" said my brain to itself and I agreed that it would indeed be so. So I bought it without a second thought.

And I was right... he loved it. A smile crept onto his little face and I got all those feelings of generosity and warmth that I'd imagined. How nice I felt to make my friend happy with so simple a gift, and cheap too; every one's a winner, or so you may think.

Immediately the kettle was warmed and tea was made: his in his shiny new mega mug; mine in my favourite, trusty, old, slightly stained, small, stupid, normal-sized, rubbish mug. I seethed with secret envy at the giganta-mug that my flatmate gleefully supped his tea from, while I was forced to endure the humiliation of normal sized tea drinking.

My next supermarket trip saw me search feverously for my own pint mug, but with Christmas now just a heavy memory hanging around my slightly distended belly, the cheap tat section had been packed away for another year and in its place lay shelves of rubbish stuff to buy under the pretense of making a new start for the new year.

No mega mugs remained and I knew I'd have a year of watching my flatmate enjoy huge vats of tea while I sipped at thimbles of sour, second rate rubbish. Every time I made him a cuppa the water would chuckle mockingly at me as I poured gallons of it into this bottomless holy grail. I searched shop shelves whenever I saw mugs displayed, but none could match up to the marvel of what had now become the greatest gift I never got given.

And then I moped around Sainsbury's yesterday in search of another effortless secret santa for another soon-to-be-disappointed colleague and stumbled upon the same section of shite gifts. I couldn't believe it, I literally stood and rubbed my eyes with utter disbelief, for there, among the Make Your Own Yo-Yo kits and Bore Your Own Family To Death books was the object of my tea drinking desires, a pile of them, all shiny and new and waiting for me to drink pint after pint of warm tea from their copious bellies.

One of them sits by me now, brimming with steaming tea and making me feel once again content with all in my tea based world. You may not appreciate reading this much about naught but a mug, but clearly you don't have one of your own, for if you did you would surely understand*.



*or, you know, you'd probably still think this is far too long a piece about a fucking mug and you're probably right, but it's raining out and I'm bored silly, so tough titties!
( Moey, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 15:56, 17 replies)

I don't know if I dare...
My local tattoo and body piercing studio is selling vouchers. It was the sign outside which caught my eye - "Give the Gift of Pain this Christmas".....
(fuchsiaperfect, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 12:35, 5 replies)

A good sexing
Seriously. Mr Panda and I split up a little while ago so I'm in dire need of some loving & squeezing :(
(panda_sam, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 9:25, 14 replies)

I know what I want..
..your mum.
( Piper Alpha is being a grumpy northerm bastard on:, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 7:28, 4 replies)

I'm hoping to get all my family and friends...
...a decent Question of the Week.

Maybe not though.
(emadex thinks the world will end on, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 6:51, Reply)

My best present, EVER
Last year I got light sabres. Two. An Obe Wan Kenobe one and a Darth Vader one. I switch them on in the dark, bash them together and they make this cool kkrrrrchchkrrrrr noise.

I'm 40.
(yes, it is me and has been me since, Sun 29 Nov 2009, 0:19, 8 replies)

People often try to go for something nice or special occasionny
i.e. bracelet, perfumes, ties, etc. I, however, am to follow a different path of prezzies!
My girlfriend exists in a tiny flat with vinyl or some kind of plastic flooring, the room she lives in at her parent's house when there has a similar flooring. For this reason I shall buy her rugs! No more waking up in the morning to a cold floor on bare feet, no more getting out the shower with only a manky old towel to stop puddles!

A machine-washable shagpile style rug for her flat and something a little more luxurious (sheepskin or pretty patterned, etc.) for her parent's home; I am a genius!

Oh, and maybe something a little cute like a bracelet or some perfume or something.
(Frozen_Banana Shaved against the grain; thoroughly unrewarding., Sat 28 Nov 2009, 23:57, Reply)

Well, this Christmas...
As I'm now officially a poor student all my family will be getting are those 10p Haribo Cola Bottles.

1 each.

Maybe a card. Maybe...
(ColinS needs to eat, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 22:05, 3 replies)

I got a play Station one year.
It was well good.
(The_Crund, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 22:04, 1 reply)

This year
I'm going to give my nephews and nieces radioactive sweets. I can't wait to see their glowing little faeces.....
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 21:31, 4 replies)

I went Christmas shopping with
My Mum earlier.

Everything she bought was from Primark. And was mainly socks and pants. Oh and some lacy thing that come with knickers with two bows on the back that I am trying to repress the memory of her buying (also from Primark).

I'm slightly disappointed to be honest. Especially considering the socks she picked out for me are a) knee length b) argyle. My look of disgust just spurred her on.
(Melody was not PMSing on, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 19:39, 3 replies)

Work just gave me a prezzie.....
...I got half of December off yey me :D

Stupid work holiday system, the problem with working with 200 other worker ants is that it's piss awkward to get a day off for a heart transplant, let alone a "lesiurely break".
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 19:01, Reply)

Spanish Christmas....
Well, my folks live in Spain so I'll be leaving Manchester to where the people smell of garlic and like to stab donkeys.

This usually happens, but this year, it's different and mum's parents are going over too, so that'll involve the usual xmas row (as happens after nan hits the 'El Buen Chirrosis' wine) and party food. Lots of it, and then some.

However, a few months ago my nan was given an ASBO for 'abusive language and disturbing other residents'. Naturally, this provided much amusement and shame for Mr. Cunt, Father Cunt and Mummy Cunt. Fling a heavy amount of shame to the equation and hang on... what's that? Yep, you got it, Christmas ideas for newly dubbed 'Chav Nan'. The list is as following:

-Twenty Benson and Hedges Gold (none of this Marlboro Light lark, 'coz dey're posh, innit?'.

- Lonsdale Hoodie and Nike Shocks.

- One bottle of White Lightening.

- White Joggers from Primark.

- Latest N-Dubz Album.

- Elizabeth Duke's Finest Big Fuck Off Sea Faring Hoop Earrings. Real big bastards!

As for the rest of the family and me, I'm treating myself to a new Strat, dad's getting some Wine Related stuff and mum's getting some stuff for the kitchen. And a token cookbook.

Length? Had too much to drink last night, so not much.
(Mr. Cunt put the indy in kindy., Sat 28 Nov 2009, 16:49, 1 reply)

I am buying my mum a washing machine
It feels so wrong and cliche but it's what she actually wants so...
( --=| Daz |=-- has been masturbating over a picture of you since, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 16:30, 3 replies)

I shall be spending Christmas in Texas.
My mum is taking me and my brothers, and we're staying at her friend's cousin's farm. Presents will be thin on the ground (we concentrate on birthdays rather than Xmas anyway in our house), but who cares? I'm well excited! I've only been to the States once before (4 days in NYC) and I'm looking forward to going again.
( Bob Todd whee, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 16:14, Reply)

Honeybees and seedlings
The husband's family (with the exception of his parents) are the kind of people who send out strict and detailed gift lists every year, complete with item number/catalog page/the like; there's no surprising them and there's little joy watching them all unwrap the expected gifts on Christmas morning, inspect the item and then tuck the always-present gift receipt into a pocket just in case. Of course, the giving side of things in our direction isn't so generous, but at least their awkward gifts come with gift receipts. Thankfully, we rarely see them.

This year, we decided that a little something different was in order and instead of buying them their tenth LL Bean sweater, we donated honeybees and tree seedlings in their honour through Heifer International. We figure that unlike another set of matching place mats, the world could use some more bees and plants and people in need could stand to benefit from them. The relatives will be getting a selection of my most popular biscuits and cakes as well, and if that isn't good enough for them, so be it -- I have no desire to cater to adults who are far pickier and demanding than my five-year-old niece.
(louveciennes , Volvospotter, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 15:55, 3 replies)

Clearly, the best present anyone can receive is breasts
i like breasts
( broadsword w⚓, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 14:39, 9 replies)

I got a tortoise last year
He is called Lancelot and I love him :)
(i should have joined myspace, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 14:27, 6 replies)

Best pressie
was a ride in one of they helicopters that have just a plastic bubble and no doors.
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 11:43, 1 reply)

This year?
A new hot water system.



yay.
(kitescreech still here, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 9:19, 1 reply)

Best present
MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Agent Dale Pooper k in the p, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 0:36, 7 replies)

presents
Ill tell you what im getting, as my fiancee is buying me a joint xmas and bday present as my bday is in november, shes getting me an xbox360, so i wasnt allowed it until xmas. my bday comes round and i have a box to open, woohoo im getting my present early i think. turns out shes wrapped up my controller and games and xbox but no wires etc with a note saying wait till xmas!!! her mum has the wires i aint getting them!!
(funksoul, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 0:15, 6 replies)

Proper Crimbo
The first year me and Himself were together I went abit mad - I bought him a Macbook. I saved for months and months to buy it but the look on his face when he opened it and realised what it was was priceless. It's even more fun for me when he's opening his pressies because he absolutely does not know what it is till the very last second even when the wrapping is off and the box is opened, because he's totally blind. I love the long drawn out surprise, I love seeing his face as he's giving the item a good fondle (fnar). I love his expression when he figures out what it is. I can't see shit either (though significantly more than he can) so I have to sit close to see his face - which can lead to breaks for sexytiem in the present opening procedure that can make the whole thing last all afternoon. ;)

This year he's got his own back on me in the saving up stakes - I just found out he has been saving up all year with the view to buying us the most luxury food we can find for Christmas dinner and the holiday period.

I however have been utterly, utterly broke this year and feel utterly shitty that I won't be able to contribute to the festivities. He's banned me from buying him the thing he really wants because he knows I can't afford it and it would weigh my credit card down, so I am stumped as to what to get him. All the gadgets and games and gizmos that you could buy for a sighted person are mostly useless for him.

However, not wishing to make you reach for your sick buckets, I know that whatever is wrapped up under the tree this year won't matter, because the best Christmas present I could want since I've been with him has been waking up to a cuddle on Christmas morning and listening to some radio 7 or radio 4 comedy Christmas special whilst eating breakfast with our two stupid lovely dogs on the bed. We don't have children and don't want them, so the dogs are the family that we spoil at Christmas. And like children often are, they will be more interested in playing with the wrapping of their presents than the presents themselves.

Happy days. I hope ya'll are as happy as we are this Christmas.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Sat 28 Nov 2009, 0:10, 13 replies)

I'm a nightmare to buy prezzies for
I dont like girly things, ie/ shoes, bags, make up, bath smellies, gold, diamonds, etc.
I make jewellery, but cant stand wearing it, so no point in giving me that.
And dont even think of buying lacy sexy underwear, unless you are prepared to wear it yourself.
I hate useless ornaments that just gather dust.
Cant stand cuddly toys.
Buy me a designer bit of clothing and i'll have ripped it or burnt a hole in it within seconds of putting it on.
Posh meal in a swanky restaurant? forget it, fish and chips on the beach with a bottle of rum is perfect.
I like to think i'm low maintenance, but I feel others think I'm an awkward PITA.
Perhaps the perfect present for me would be an injection of the 'girly' gene.
Until then, candles, I can never have enough candles, burn them all day and all night.
What do i give people?
Unless something specific has been hinted at they will get usually home made stuff.
Fruit liquours with an explosive alcohol content, home made chocolates, jewellery, something hand sewn or painted or carved.
I love the personal touch.

The best present I was ever given was a week in the woods with Ray Mears, and one of his fabulous hand made woodlore knives.
If my flat was burning, that knife would be the first thing I grabbed.
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 21:54, 5 replies)

supposedly my best gift ever
or so my mum says. it's not exactly your average gift, but she still talks about it.

one year, when i was about 11 years old, mum came home from the shops in tears. she'd just been out to buy the christmas food, but somebody else had obviously been looking for a bargain and had mugged her and stolen her purse. she reported it to the police, who were, of course, no help whatsoever.
seeing my poor mum so distraught, i had a bit of a brainwave: i'd go carol singing! the few posher streets in our area were always good for a few quid, so i donned my parka and set off, towing mum's shopping trolley with me. fortunately, she didn't notice me taking it.
through the freezing wind and slushy snow i trudged, peddling my dodgy vocal talents from house to house. after 2 hours, i decided i'd had enough and called it a day. when i counted up my takings, the total was a little over £50. i was delighted! scurrying as quickly as i could, i made my way to the local supermarket, where i filled the trolley with festive treats, including a fairly decent sized turkey. every last penny went on shopping, from bread and milk to toilet rolls, everything i thought we'd need. feeling very pleased with myself, i towed the trolley home in the growing dusk.
i arrived home to see mum still red-eyed, worrying about how she'd cope without the food money. i showed her the trolley full of goodies and explained what i'd done.
i didn't expect the waterworks that followed! mum absolutely sobbed her eyes out. in my tiny kiddy brain, i thought i'd done something wrong.
she gave me the biggest hug imaginable and kept right on crying.
we had a great christmas that year.
that was 25 years ago, but she still talks about it.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 27 Nov 2009, 21:33, 94 replies)

My present from dad last year...
Well, it LOOKED exciting, a lovely big box that made an enticing *thump* with a bit of a rattling sound when I shook it. Even better, it was wrapped really well, gorgeous paper, exquisitely packaged with a ribbon, the whole works.

Imagine my horror when I opened it up to find a dead cat, a fucking GEIGER COUNTER and a flask of some weird liquid... Worst. Present. Ever.

Signed,
Ruth Schrödinger
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Fri 27 Nov 2009, 20:51, 5 replies)