I had a vasectomy
a couple of months ago. They gave me something called a "modesty blanket", as there was obviously the doctor but also a couple of nurses in the room. The modesty blanket covered me from my feet up to my neck, other than a hole cut out, through which protuded my penis and testicles.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 14:07, 32 replies)

Morning!
When you move into a new, unfurnished flat, curtains are not always the first thing you sort out. Particularly when it's a first floor flat, with no buildings opposite. Thus it was that our hero wanders into the lounge on his first morning, safe in the knowledge that, curtains or no curtains, there is no need to get dressed.

Of course, a man with sharper observation skills should have noticed the bus-stop immediately outside the building - a location which became immediately apparent when a double-decker bus full of startled commuters pulled up directly outside the window...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 9:07, 4 replies)

Its not fun to pee at the.....
Many moons ago I had the opportunity to stay at the Lincoln YMCA for a few weeks before I reclaimed my marbles and got my act together.

One incident that has scarred me for life was the following....

We were all sitting in the foyer where there was a pool table and assorted chairs for the less fortunate to relax between giros.... what happened next will stay with me for ever... one of the local alcoholics was a lady who must have been in her 70s, perhaps even her 80s, she approached the glass foyer doors and proceeded to turn around, lift her skirt and place her arse up against the glass and piss like a race horse... now while this might seem quite ordinary and even fapworthy to many of you, because of her age/proof level she was extremely skinny but had huge piss flaps which proceeded to attach themselves to the glass like a limpet which then splayed like a yawning hippo. (Imagine, as some of you might have done, sticking your mouth on a window and blowing to make your mouth huge)...... this was over 20 years ago, and worryingly is one of my only memories of that time
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 21:49, 6 replies)

Some things are best left unseen.
Years ago I dated a woman whose tastes tended to run toward the fetish world far more than mine did. We had some nice sessions of hot stuff, but she was a bit more extreme than I was so we stopped dating. However, we still enjoyed each other's company so we hung out now and then.

One day she called me to beg a favor. The local fetish club was having an open-to-the-public event that she wanted to attend, but was afraid to go by herself and wanted me to escort her. I somewhat reluctantly agreed.

Once there it was quite a bit tamer than I had expected, so I let her drift off toward things that interested her while I basically sat to one side and had beer and watched. There was little enough there to interest me (why are fetish women mostly mingers?), but the people watching was great.

I had noted one woman in particular walking around in a PVC bustier/miniskirt thing with torn fishnet stockings who was especially eye cabbage (that is, you can't help but look away). She was at least half again my weight and none of it was solid- she was a walking mound of jelly with strange rolls and bulges galore, and where the stockings were torn her flesh pressed through like rising bread dough. I saw her walk up to a guy who was wearing a shirt that said "Show me your tits" across the back, firmly tap him on the shoulder and yank down the top of her outfit. He turned around in time to see an avalanche of pasty white flab pour out to her waist and wobble there.

He recovered nicely and was polite and friendly and laughed with her, but the momentary terror and revulsion that crossed his face has stayed with me to this day.
(Shimrod, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 20:28, 5 replies)

A friend of mine
is a Doctor. Another friend of mine is a weirdo and a bit of an exhibitionist.

Seeing friend 2 drop his pants and bend over to ask Friend 1 what he thought of his haemorrhoids in the beer garden of a crowded pub will live long in my memory. Especially because it looked like he had an extra finger growing out of his arsehole.

We were barred. I didn't argue...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 10:45, 10 replies)

I remember
being in London and seeing one of those naked bike rides for charity or AIDS or dolphins or whatever. Thing is, I think if you're looking at a large collective of naked people it seems less of a deal.

However, I can only assume one guy either broke down, lost his way or was trying to catch up but we saw him, alone, pedalling frantically a good 3 or 4 minutes after the main group had passed.

Being naked and alone on a bike in central London is a totally different story.
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 19:52, Reply)

Nudists

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 16:13, 4 replies)

Ah mate
So my mate was at this bus stop, right, and he saw this fit bird across the
street, right, he got a little bit flustered while looking at her, right, so much
so he got an erection, right, he thought it's a bit cold down below, right,
and he looked down to see he was fully torqued, right, he hadn't realised
his fly was open, right, and the old lady in the bus stop next to him tutted
and hit it with a spoon, right, she always has a spoon, right.

Copyright 1999. All internet forums. Originally published in Christian Observer 1872.
( $$ ✅, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 14:52, 2 replies)

Nottingham market square used to have two very large fountains.
One of the common japes played by night time revelers in the city, was for a bottle of washing up liquid or two to be deposited in the fountain. The next morning when they were turned on, the whole thing would become a giant foamy soapy mess.

One bloke, on a stag night, climbed into the fountain and started to undress, throwing each item of clothing into a pile next to the fountain. A few seconds after his boxer shorts joined the pile, a stranger ran over, grabbed the entire pile and ran off down one of the side streets. Everyone, including a police officer watching the proceedings, was too busy laughing to help the poor fucker. His mates did the right thing and left him there, the copper stood watching until the wind started to pick up, removing the bubbles like some freaky public burlesque routine.
( Muns, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 14:51, 1 reply)

Those women were in the nip!

( Pig Bodine., Wed 23 Jul 2014, 15:03, 6 replies)

Outdoor sex failure
A good few years ago, me and a friend had somehow managed to pull a couple of girls who were friends with each other in a dingy nightclub. I put it down to poor lighting, alcohol and suggestive music. Anyway, while my mate - ever the romantic - took his newly-found sweetheart off to the outdoor skate park to fuck her from behind, I led my partner down into a recessed gateway just around the corner from the club.

Anyway, as much as alcohol had been my friend when it came to the conquest, it very much became my enemy when trying to maintain a usable erection. And so when the occupants of a passing car caught sight of our outdoor fumblings and slowed down to get a good look, they would have been faced with a girl with her saggy tits dangling free while a drunken man with eyeliner on tried desperately but unsuccessfully to wank some life into his rubbery, limp cock.

To be fair, the people in the car were very supportive, shouting 'wa-hey' and 'go on my son' and 'get in there' as my penis shrank to even smaller dimensions.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:48, 3 replies)

East Kilbride
I was once passing through East Kilbride. In my popular Japanese car and there standing naked in the middle of a busy roundabout was your Mum playing with her massive hard-on.

The vision of her anomalous appendage turned a streak of my hair white and knocked all notions of heterosexuality right out of me. I think it was the girth that was scary.

And like sir cliff is to operation yewtree im now on the run from the CSA and an angry wife.

tldr; yer mums got a massive nob
(Moag_R_Brainbow kicks the mods dog to death out of pity, Tue 22 Jul 2014, 9:22, 18 replies)

My folks took me on holiday to the South of France when I was about 9.
Cap D'Agde. Staying in one of those in a big static caravan parks. Facilities included swimming pool,tennis courts, boule gravel pit. People went and came and came and went to their homes. We had the usual Enforced Family Board Game Jollities (We're a FAMILY and we're HAVING A GOOD TIME! rant obligatory). But then we went down to the swimming pool.

Topless women. Topless FIT young women. Sexy topless FIT young women rubbing suntan lotion into their frontage. Pretty young things.

I'm 9. I am interested in what is going on through some kind of genetic predisposition to be interested in lovely semi-nude ladies with beautiful glistening oily boobies.

WHAM! Smack round the back of the head from my mum.

"Don't look at the ladies without clothes on" she whispered fiercely in my ear. Dad got off scot-free for the same crime, apparently.

So, mother, you bring me here to tempt me and punish me for falling for your trick. That's unfair.

Still, memories can't be erased.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Mon 21 Jul 2014, 21:56, 21 replies)

Private Beach Invasion
Once, many wavy lines ago:

On holiday with my mum as a 12 year old (I was 12, not her) on the Greek Island of Skiathos. One day, a little bored of the rather narrow beach near our hotel, I decided to follow the coast and see if I could find any adventures. After navigating a couple of rocky headlands I came across (steady) a seemingly deserted beach. It was only after I'd taken a couple of bold steps onto the sand that I saw an orange, leathery late middle-aged man, totally stark-bollocked, rising from his deck chair about 150 yards ahead of me, high up the rather wide beach, next to some stairs which led up to a big old house. I therefore assumed I had just invaded a private beach. At the same moment, I saw his gaze move from me to something out at sea; I turned in that direction to see a similar birthday suited young blonde trophy woman, laid out on a rock at the end of an outcropping, who was sitting up from her repose to inspect the pubescent interloper, who was in turn doing some brief inspecting of his own as her fine, bronzed Bristols rose into distant view.

I broke into a jog and carried on in the direction I was going with my eyes fixed on the horizon, hoping that if I don't see them, they don't see me. Old-man money/ball-bags may have yelled something but I don't remember. The worst part was that i eventually ran into an impassable cliff and didn't fancy trying to find my way back overland so had to make an even more embarrassing return run back across the beach, acting as if I was training, hadn't even seen them & did that sort of thing all the time.

tl;dr - It wasn't long at all, looked like a winking acorn. Ahem - Kid runs across a private beach, runs back again. Nude couple are affronted.
(RebelWithoutApplause My underestimation will almost be the death of me, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 16:15, 8 replies)

Chilly bellend
I'd popped to Sainsbury commando style, headed to the freezer section, leant to get my chips and felt cold steel on my bell end.
If you do intend to go commando double check the post piss zip.
( spingers, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 18:49, Reply)

Errrrmmm...
One night I went out on a date with a woman in the downtown of our city, and we had dinner and drinks at a nice little restaurant. We sat and chatted for a while after dinner, but we both agreed that while we were both pleasant people, neither of us was what the other was looking for, so I got into my car and started for home.

As I was passing by the 24 hour pharmacy I realized that I needed to pick up toothpaste and shampoo, so I swung into an empty space and got out of my car. Three spaces away another car pulled in, a snazzy little Mercedes convertible, and a couple in their fifties popped out. They were both obviously the worse for drink, and the man slurred that he was going in for cigarettes.

The woman rolled down her blue striped stockings, revealing a large and elaborate tattoo on her right thigh, and hunkered down on the pavement with her leather miniskirt hiked up and her growler about two inches from the ground and released a flood.

She looked up and saw me staring in shock at her, and gave me an inviting leer.

I chose to do some leisurely shopping while I was in there, until I was certain that they had gone.
(Shimrod, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 20:52, 34 replies)

I once saw Alexei Sayle in the northbound car park of Keele Services on the M6.
He was stark naked except for a heavy overcoat, a scarf, suit trousers and shoes. He could have been wearing more clothes underneath, I don't know.
( brb homonecrobatrachophile, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 1:51, 2 replies)

Free Pizza
Used to own a ground floor flat with a huge bay window. The window looked onto a few parking spaces and then a hedge which blocked people on the road from seeing in. As most of the other folks living in the flats were home and parked of an evening Mrs arsefez and I thought nothing of wandering past our window in various states of undress.

Of a Thursday we generally ordered a pizza from our local Dominos (other pizza chains also available). As we ordered regularly we assumed that faster delivery and free sides etc were merely a 'thank you for eating so much pizza fatso' gift....

Turned out when a mate of mine got a job there, that whenever a certain address ordered pizza of a Thursday there was a race to deliver because the woman that lived there was always wondering around topless.

Told the wife... brief embarrassment followed... then she smiled and said 'free pizza bargain!'

That was 10 years ago...

Looking at her now, should've put a stop to it. The only thing she or I get free now are weight watchers leaflets!!!
( arsefez is back, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 15:31, 1 reply)

During a dull Wednesday afternoon in a dull office block on the 8th floor, while looking out the window
Two naked couples appeared on a lower rooftop opposite, and started going at it.

We held up score cards.

They waved in appreciation.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 9:55, 3 replies)

we used to have a holiday home in spain
it was a little cliff top terrace of 8 villas, all of them occupied by spanish families apart from ours. until mike and lynda bought the one next door and moved over from southampton. now, bear in mind that mike and lynda were two of the ugliest people you have ever seen. he was tall and unbelievably thin. she was short and unbelievably fat. and they were both absolute rampant raving alcoholics.

after they had been there a while, it became clear that they were not only keen drinkers, but also keen nudists. not great, but the nearest nudist beach wasn't visible from the house, so let them get on with it. but a little whilst after that, it became evident that they were swingers. and rather keen on my parents. my mum and dad used to wonder which of them would have gotten the worse end of that transaction. (for the record, i think it was my mum. my little cousin summed mike up when she announced in her little yorkshire accent, "'e stinks dun't 'e?")

one day in the summer holidays, when my parents were there for a few weeks, lynda waddled round to ask if my parents fancied going away together for the weekend. taking evasive and pre-emptive action, my mother told her they were off to granada for a few days. it turned out that mike and lynda were off to a nudist camp and had wanted my parents to accompany them. my mother decided to book train tickets to granada as quickly as possible. in fact, she'd have bought new trainers to run there.

a couple of days later, mike and lynda were packing for their trip. my parents were truly intrigued as to what on earth you pack to go to a nudist camp, so they were nosily watching the car being loaded up. it turns out the predictable answer is booze. lots and lots of booze. and off they went. the very next day, they were back. they hadn't liked the nudist camp. there was no air conditioning and.... their room was "too far away from the bar".

if there is one thing i learned from mike and lynda, and the gaggle of germans who were the only other people who ever went nude on the nudist beach, it is that physical attractiveness and the desire to be publicly nude are usually not related. not even distantly.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 21 Jul 2014, 18:35, 19 replies)

Bad timing
I was working in Glasgow, and "living" in the Marriott hotel. It was a Friday, so I'd arisen early so I could get to work by 7am, work my allotted hours, then catch a plane home to the Midlands so I see my kids before they went to bed.

I was all nicely washed and packed to leave so I opened my door at 630am to depart ... just at the exact same time that a small, elderly chap opened the door to his room - which was directly opposite mine and about three feet away - so he could get the morning newspaper that had been left for him. It being early he had decided that no other living soul would be around, so he hadn't bothered putting any clothes on.

We sort of looked at each other in a "nothing in my life so far has prepared me for this moment" way, before he ducked down to pick up his paper, retreated a step back into the room and closed the door.

He was very hairy.
(jrd, Sat 19 Jul 2014, 21:21, 3 replies)

When I was 17 years old my freind had an 18th birthday party at centre parks
his mum was fairly well off so had booked a load of us into the nicer appartments there, after many drinking games I found myself naked running down a corridor generally being a teenage twat, where I ran into his mother. I then went back into the appartment and discovered one of our mates had larryed out and gone to bed at about 9pm. At the time, being drunk , and with altered perception, I thought it would be funny to jump upon him naked to wake him up. I ran into the room and launched myself towards him. In a death defying leap I managed to clear the bed and hammer my head through the pint glass on the bedside table, smashing it and lodging the base of it into my forehead. I am told after that I pulled out the glass, wrapped my head up and carried on being a complete drunken dick, but I have no memory past lodging the thing into my cranium.
I awoke in the morning to the sound of the chambermaid knocking the door. I looked down to my left where I saw a towel on the floor literally dripping with blood, and the worst headache ever.
( Glovington, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 16:11, 6 replies)

The nice young lady in Brixton, who had a few brown teeth left, and grabbed her skirt, pulled it up to reveal she was wearing no knickers, and screamed
"WANT SOME OF THIS, DO YER?!" at me as I walked past.

I didn't.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 12:34, 13 replies)

Aureoles
I saw a performance of "Hair" where I knew most of the actors and actresses. The naked scene was a revelation. One of the women had spectacularly large aureoles. I had no idea! Now, whenever I see her, not making Freudian slips is the hardest.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 18 Jul 2014, 6:39, 8 replies)

The first time
I saw a grown up lady's dangly bits in real life was at the age of 11 at Catford Station one morning, when a drunk old lady on the opposite platform hoisted up her skirt and did a poo
(Tiny Blindfolded Horse Kitten sound car horns would end road rage, Thu 17 Jul 2014, 15:12, 7 replies)

dr skagra is the worst forum member

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 24 Jul 2014, 8:39, 26 replies)

Mate of mine was in a pub gar
den and they had a pets' corner and in this corner was a gnu which would lick your hand if proffered one day this gnu went a bit radgee and esxcaped from its pen and ran about the garden where my mate was and it barged into him knocking him to the ground, so -

Yes!

YES!

OH, YES, SWEETIES!

Pub lick gnu'd hit he!

XXXXXXXXX
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 19:14, 4 replies)

It all started with pints of Leffe (pea)
So there we were in leafy Greenwich, my girlfriend meeting my friend's soon-to-be wife for the first time. They had recently bought a very small one bed house and made some minor re-jigging by moving the downstairs bathroom into an en-suite in their modestly sized bedroom.

The rationale for the re-jigging had been that they would have a little bit more storage space and that the downstairs bathroom was impractical
as my friend's ample 6ft 4 frame meant that he couldn't actually shut the door while sat on the loo... a little embarrassing if they had guests.

Wine in hand the girls got chatting about shopping and while Ben and I talked rugby (he's not really a football fan) and drank beer, or something like that. Ben then mentioned that he had a load of Leffe, but decreed that we couldn't be girly and drink small glasses of the stuff, no we had to have pints of the stuff.

After a couple of pints we decide that we'd go to the local pub. They served Leffe there too (yay!), so we continued to pour the bottles into pint glasses and drink in a manly fashion.

At closing time we slightly wobbled back to their bijou abode. Time for one last pint of Leffe before bed? Oh yes.

That made it about 8-9 pints of Leffe.

After Ben and Emily went up to their bed, I impressed my girlfriend with a full on naked Five Star Frog Splash onto the sofa bed. Miraculously I didn't injure myself, girlfriend or bed. No, it was later that evening that my public performance happened.

At about 3am I woke up, full on room spinning and I was resigned to the inevitable run for the loo. But wait... I cant streak through my hosts' bedroom and wake them up with the sound of me redecorating the en suite. No, the shortest route was to the door. And there I was Yahtzeeing my guts up into the gutter.

I returned to bed to the sound of an unsympathetic tut, but this shuttle sick run routine continued until it was daylight.

All I can do is apologize to the poor people churchgoers that had to witness me nude dry heaving in the street. Still, at least I remembered to give them a wave.
( @><|= w0nu!) or cunt to my friends, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 11:59, 24 replies)

Not proud, but.....
Had sex behind a local firing range whilst they were using it.

It's the closest i'll ever get to my fantasy of fucking on D-day

:(

* i was completely naked while doing it.
(Pennisons Revenge All this trouble over squealing meat, Wed 23 Jul 2014, 10:32, 5 replies)