There's a lot of posting re: London Underground...
So let’s get things straight, once and for all. I present to you, the Devil In Tights Guide to London Underground Etiquette (if anyone from TFL is reading, the consultation fee is £300,000, non sequential £10 notes. Leave it in locker 4B at St. Pancras. Come alone.)

1) Have your ticket ready before you get to the barriers. Watching you fumble around trying to find it isn’t fun. Be prepared!
2) Move right along the platform, find a less busy bit. You don’t get cool points for being in the front carriage.
3) When a train pulls in to the station, stand to one side of the doors so people on the train can get off it, thus making space for you. Standing in a giant, impenetrable throng isn’t helping anyone, you know.
4) Let other people get off the train first. This is not a nightclub. It’s not ‘one out, one in’.
5) If you can’t get a seat, try to use the space in the aisles. That way, you can still read your Metro without using my head as some kind of rudimentary lectern.
6) While we’re about it, if we’re packed in like Sardines, don’t try and read the FT. It doesn’t make you look important; it makes you look like a tosser.
7) There will be a train in the next 5 minutes. Leaping on board between the closing doors does not the new Indiana Jones make, so don’t do it. If you’re late for work, start leaving earlier.
8) The playing of shitty music through tinny mobile ‘phone speakers is to be banned forthwith. It’s no-one else’s fault you have deplorable taste in music, and there is no reason for forced sharing.
9) Wheelie bags now require a driving licence. If it is light enough to be carried, then it shall be carried. No wonder we’re all getting fat.
10) Transport Police officers are now allowed, without prejudice, to shoot on sight people who stand still on the left when on an escalator. Alright, they can’t – but don’t make us resort to it, OK?
11) The rubbing (sexual or otherwise) of other passengers is expressly prohibited, unless a service is being paid for.
12) Smile. If we all smiled a bit more perhaps we’d all enjoy the experience a little more.

Further suggestions:

1) Three classes of carriage: a) Crackheads and strange people, b) Smelly people, perverts and Ken Livingstone, c) Normals. A test/urine sample will be required.
2) People aged 65 and over to be banned from the tube between 0700-0900 and 1600-1900.
3) For the Love of Mike – Air conditioning!
4) No mobile ‘phone conversations. Ever.
5) Free Cake for all passengers.

Now then. Can we all just get along?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 29 May 2008, 16:33, 8 replies)

No. 6
The trains must be made of cake.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 29 May 2008, 16:35, closed)

*clicky*
for the free cake.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 29 May 2008, 16:41, closed)

One further suggestion
In summer, please consider your hygiene.

I know, it's hot, people sweat. But if you have a tendency to smell like the testicles of a particularly sweaty bull, consider how you may reduce this before getting on the tube: take a spare t-shirt to change into; use the shower after going to the gym; drive.
( Moey, Thu 29 May 2008, 16:45, closed)

@HLT - of course, how remiss of me! :)

@Ancrenne - awe! *blush*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 29 May 2008, 16:53, closed)

I *hate*
people who just stand in front of the opening doors, and there's a special place in hell reserved for those who try to get on before everyone's got off.

I normally boom "EXCUSE ME" in my loudest possible voice while blocking the doorway then dipping my shoulders and barging past them as hard as possible.

Grrrrr. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it.

oh and have a click!
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Thu 29 May 2008, 17:03, closed)

Re rule 10
Shooting is far too quick and painless. Pull them to one side and use a flamethrower on them.
(lolwhites, Thu 29 May 2008, 17:45, closed)

And another two
1) Sometimes you're forced to stand by the door. There's nothing wrong with that. Some of my best friends stand by the door. But if you can see that you're obviously blocking someone in please, for the love of god, step out just one pace from the door ad let them past.

2) Sometimes people are nice. Hard to believe, but true nonetheless. If someone looks like they've just taken a single step out of the carriage to let that heavily pregnant woman out, don't push them out of the way, barge on in, block them from getting back in and (most deplorably) pushing aforementioned heavily pregnant woman back into the carriage forcing her to go up to the next stop and back again. It doesn't get you there any quicker. It doesn't make you look like a 'proper' commuter, it just makes you look like a wanker.

That is all.
(Benjimawoo, Thu 29 May 2008, 21:00, closed)