Children in Pubs

Since the smoking ban my local, The Junction, Tufnell Park, has become little more than a playground for little kids.

When I'm sitting in a beer garden, sucking on the end of Benson & Hedges with as much skill and determination as a hooker on steroids, drinking beer and talking bollocks, the last thing I want is to have some little brat trip over my feet. Or worse still, have some parent tell me off for using colourful language. Its a PUB!!! FUCK OFF!!!

Along with the kids comes the food. Trying to enjoy a long and heartfelt conversation about feltching is pretty damn hard if you've gotta raise your voice above the clatter and din of cutlery hitting plates.

The other day I got my own back in the most insignificant way imaginable, but it made me feel sooooooo much better.

A little kid, think he was named Thaddeus. (Thaddeus, for fucks sake!) Was twatting about round the table my friends and I were drinking at. Sweet, darling little Thaddeus was doing the aeroplane noise thing three year old boys love to do. He stopped the aeroplane noise occasionally to 'shoot' the people on my table with a couple of Heinze sauce bottles he aquired from the condiments trolly (fucking condiments trolly - its a fucking PUB!).

Thaddeus was really getting on my tits.

His parents were WAY OVER THE OTHER SIDE of the beer garden, enjoying a nice QUIET meal, completely oblivious to the fact that their little shit of a son was destroying my calm.

Thaddeus stopped and grinned at me. I grinned back. I was thinking about offering him a fag, but thought better of it.

Instead I said: "Can I have a look at those?" Pointing at his tomato sauce bottle 'cannons'.

He offered me the bottles, I quickly loosened the tops and said: "Why don't you go and dive bomb mummy and daddy?" And gave him a little push. And off he scampered, giggling like a retard.

Five....
Four....
Three...
Two...
One...

"AAAAAiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEiiiiiEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!"

Said Thaddeus' mother and father, as their son proceeded to shower the contents of two bottles of tomato sauce over their hair, clothes, table, and general vicinity with accompanying machine gun sound effects.

It was like something out of Scarface.

I was very proud.

Scary thing is, Ms Hanky and I are trying for a kid at the moment...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 12:28, 14 replies)

Have a well deserved click...
....that was genius.

Don't worry about your own kids though, I hate children...a lot, but I love my little girl, she's okay in my book. All the others are bloody awful though!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 12:33, closed)

Nice!
This is fucking amazing!
*clicks hard*
( Cawl, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 12:44, closed)

Nice one
You should try the Boston instead. You don't get kids in there - just odd Irish characters.

No beer garden for smoking on the other hand...
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 12:45, closed)

The Boston does cheap pints too...
Can't go in there with my girlfriend tho - she's Welsh and LOUD. Last year when England were playing Wales at the rugby it got a bit, erm, messy...
( SpankyHanky, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 12:49, closed)

I used to work in the boston for a couple of years
truefact.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 14:08, closed)

BAN KIDS IN PUBS
The smoking ban is rubbish primarily because it's brought all sorts of po-faced whining killjoys and breeders into pubs: people who have no business being there in the first place. If people are desperate to take their wailing brats to pubs there are any number of Hungry Horse Family Fun Family Pubs they can go to - but there has to be a place in society where adults can be adults and not have to worry about kids.

My direct action protest is to swear my head off in the hope people will get the message they're in a pub, not a nursery, and that it's not a place for 4-year-olds.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 13:23, closed)

clicky
I'm getting me one o'them kiddies soon, a few weeks. I will dedicate impending fatherhood to teaching my kid tricks like this, only not to do them to me. I'll brush it off with a "tsk! kids eh?" if it happens. Cant wait. I'm also going to teach him to look at people quizzically when they talk, wait a beat and then say "You talk funny" like the speccy kid in Jerry maguire.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Fri 6 Feb 2009, 13:35, closed)

*clicky*
*click* *click* !
(Errin C, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 11:39, closed)

You might be better off down in Kentish.
The yuppie Quotient is a bit sickening but I've always been quite fond of the assembly house. Or bull and gate. I don't think I've once seen a kid in either.
(Captain Bastard, Sun 8 Feb 2009, 16:48, closed)

The Assembly House
is pretty nice. But the yuppies get on my nerves more than the kids... I tend to get into heated arguments with fuckwits round there.

Maybe I should be on prozac???
( SpankyHanky, Mon 9 Feb 2009, 12:51, closed)

superb! compliments on your cleverly connived condiments attack sir
(yes that is how you spell condiments)

just saying
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 7:25, closed)

Cheers fella...
Edit duly made for shitty spelling...

Can barely spell my name, to be honest.
( SpankyHanky, Tue 10 Feb 2009, 7:59, closed)

Shameless advertising...

Is it the Boston music rooms?

Anyone interested, please come along on April 16th for an unsigned showcase competition, and vote for Underdog!

*cheers*
( Turquoise Hexagon Sun has just dropped acid on, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 21:12, closed)

Thats about a minute down the road
from my flat, mate. Decent venue. Good acoustics n all that bollocks!
( SpankyHanky, Wed 11 Feb 2009, 21:29, closed)