Your mum.
You are aware that your mum's got a penis aren't you?
(minimalist ..., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:38, Reply)

pissed
on my girlfriends books.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:37, Reply)

Bored of waiting for a new QOTW?
Go here www.b3ta.com/questions/pythonshame/post386403 and express you approval with clicks

*apologies for click-touting*
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:24, 1 reply)

Its taken me a week
but I've finally mastered blowing air out my japs eye and shaping the tip of my cock so it works like a set of mini lips.

Yes, my cock can now talk! Woo!

And if you're all very quiet you can hear what it's got to say.

Shhhh!

Go on, oh cock of mine... What do you want to say to the nice people???

"....can we have a new question, please?...."

Oh, well done cock! Very nicely said!

EDIT: This doesn't actually answer this weeks question... I am incredibly proud of my talking cock.
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:15, Reply)

Thank god that's ov...
...shit.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 19 Mar 2009, 14:12, 2 replies)

My boyfriend
was so drunk once he faked his orgasm.

That made me feel pretty ashamed. Usually men just have to look at me with no cloths on and they seem to come.
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 12:56, 14 replies)

Fluffeh One-upmanship
I love him.. but he always has to win....


( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 12:38, 1 reply)

it's my 30th birthday today...
... so I'd say there's a fair to middling chance that my dad did the thing he was most ashamed of with his winkle about 30 years and 9 months ago.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 12:06, 8 replies)

Last?
Cobblers.


See what I did there?
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:58, Reply)

Having watched the beautiful...
bedtime story very late last night that is Saw V, has made me think...

Now my penis, when erect is strong and meaningful - it stands proud and to attention, with a bloated chest, if it had arms and hands it would beat it's little chest and shout arrrugaaa...

So my question, is, what would happen if it was in the vice like grip of a lesbian treating it as a gear stick - and pulled, neigh yanked full force to the ground - where would it split?
(feedingtimeatthezoo day 1 of his bikini diet started, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:42, 5 replies)

When I was a pubescent teen
around the time the little fella started standing to attention on its own accord for no apparent reason; I had just finished in the shower.

Thinking that I was in my bedroom alone and the little fella doing his best to let me know he was there, I done something that I had seen in a film. I hung the towel on him and posed in front of the mirror, this provided a few moments of amusement until I noticed in the reflection in the mirror, my sister, peering through the door like a Cheshire cat, BITCH! She instantly burst into fits of laughter and ran off before I could kick her head in for just existing.

She found great joy in completely embarrassing me by informing everyone we came across of this incident.

If I hadn't been caught and she hadn't told everyone, I wouldn't of been ashamed... Why didn't I lock the door? :'(
( Firkinfedup last shat on your wife's tits at, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:30, 5 replies)

Last night
I was about to get down to some baby making with Ms Hanky. (Its great - she has it written in her diary when we HAVE to fuck).

I'm starkers, sporting a lovely boner, I go to the bathroom to brush my teeth and notice I'm looking older now. A wee bit more haggered. I remind myself of someone.

I go back to the bedroom, my erection swaying ahead of me, and say to the Mrs.

"God, I look just like my dad."

She gives my erect nakedness the once over.

"Please, Spanky. Please tell me you've never seen your dad looking like that..."
( SpankyHanky, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 11:16, 3 replies)

The City in the 1980s
Loads of testosterone, long booze-fuelled lunches, larger-than-life characters, etc, etc.

My boss (a Lloyd's insurance broker) attended a meeting where he had to try to mediate a dispute between underwriter and client - there was a lot of money at stake, and neither party looked like budging.

At one point (and this was post-lunch) the underwriter stood up, walked round the table and stood by the side of the client (who was sat down).

The client looks up, and asks whether there is a problem.

"Not really", says the underwriter. "I'm just debating whether to whip my cock out, stick it in your ear, and try and fuck some sense into you".

Negotiations were concluded pretty swiftly after that.

Length? Sadly the underwriter never carried out his threat, so we'll never know.
(Capo, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 10:55, 1 reply)

Cracker
Have you ever heard of cracker before?

A group of guys stand around a cracker and masturbate. The last one to "finish up" has to eat the cracker.

Last? om nom nom
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 10:48, 7 replies)

This QOTW has been pretty poor
Can we have a better one this week, please?

Pretty please?
(Errin C, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 10:00, 5 replies)

Losing my virginity
I was seventeen. He was older and popular. It was at a party. He laid me on the bed in my friends bedroom and put it in me. He grunted and sweated for five seconds and then rolled off.

"Is that it?" I asked.

He looked really pissed.

But he wasn't half as pissed as me.
(Save Us All !!!, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 9:58, 4 replies)

Vroom!
My housemate confessed during a drunken evening in Freshers' Week that she enjoyed treating penises as a gearstick: changing gear whilst making "Vroom, Vroom!" noises. She wasn't ashamed: she said it's the most fun you can have with a penis.

She's now a lesbian.
(Holloway_Girl To err is to be human, to be a fool is to believe, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 9:25, 2 replies)

Sex: Scene 1, Take 1. aaaaaaaand Action!
Many, many years ago, back when I was in high school, I had the chance to do sex. My girl at the time had finally caved to my incredible power of persuasion, and allowed me access.
On that fateful night, I nicked some red wine from my mum, and we migrated to my bedroom. We had the house to ourselves, so I knew I was in like flint.
No I had been exposed (heh) to a lot of porn in my days, and I had watched carefully for techniques to ensure the moaning woman of my dreams would be engulfed in ecstasy, rather than moaning from feeling sick. One thing I noticed was that the men in the porn never really had to guide his flesh hammer in. It was always like the TIE fighter being caught in the tractor beam – it just sort of gravitated to the right spot and she would be instantly delighted.
When the moment came, we were both sweaty and undressed, I informed her of my intentions, and feeling The Force, I skilfully piloted my X-Wang into the tunnel and (shamefully quickly) dropped my baby batter bomb into her ventilation shaft.
She stopped moving and kissing and said “did you do that on purpose?”
I looked down, and discovered, much to my dismay; I was nowhere near the trench. I had only made it between her now sticky thighs.
I hung my head in shame. That was pretty embarrassing.
Not as embarrassing as the next day at school, and discovered she had told several (read: all) of her friends of my faulty homing sensors and defective GPS unit.
They called me ‘carpet bomber’ after that.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 8:41, 6 replies)

Mmmmm homebrew....
A good few years back, in my heydays I was a dedicated member of the university freshers rugby team. Now the playing was good fun, but the social scene, that's what it was all about! Anyway, on this one particular night out we were doing what was obviously acceptable back then by putting peanuts, crisps, bogeys, pubes or anything we could find in unattended pints, and naturally the victim was made to consume his pint when he returned. You obviously know what's coming now; Yes, after the vinegar or some other condiment was poured into Barrie's pint of bitter and we realised we had nothing to stir it in with, I stepped up to the plate offering my appendage.

Roll forward a few weeks and its reading week, I find myself in a bit of pain whenever I take a pee or get a hard-on and I also notice there's some sort of secretion. Having completely forgotten about my deed I'm thinking which if any female friends I may not have been careful with.... So off to the Doctor I go, "why?" asks mum, "erm, private matter mum". Anyway, teaspoon down the japs-eye, all the necessary tests and a dose of antibiotics. The most embarrassing part was when I had to explain to the Doctor how I might have got the Yeast Infection - "Yes doc, a pint of bitter!!"
(robbyefe, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 8:13, Reply)

my friend tells me
that he was the *only* boy who was circumcised in his high school in rural Appalachia. The other boys had never heard of the concept, and everyone thought he'd been in an accident - which naturally grew into a rumour that his whole penis had been cut off in an accident. So he was completely humiliated in the first couple of years, but in the final years as people started to become sexually active he had a certain rarity/curiosity value. He actually wrote a song about his experiences, which became pretty famous: 'The Rare Old Mountain Jew.'
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 2:40, 3 replies)

I havent done anything that bad
But Ive witnessed my mate do a couple of terrible things.

Bar crawl ending up at one of the dirtiest clubs Ive been to, the sort that sells paintstripper vodka for £1 for doubles + mixers.
So we are all pretty intoxicated and standing at the back of the bar area with our drinks on a shelf thingy. Mate walks up asks "Who's drinks are these" pointing at a couple of drinks that arnt ours. we tell him we dont know so he whips out his knob and knobs the drinks, with a cheeky grin on his face then walks away.
About 5 mins later he returns and asks again "Who's drinks are those", again we tell him we dont know, so he picks them up and drinks them....
The idiot.

2nd thing was he placed his knob on the head of one of our smashed mates head while he was sozzled in a club.
( epiphany coming live from sweden, Thu 19 Mar 2009, 1:03, Reply)

I awoke to find my laptop off.
This was unusual, I used to leave it downloading crap overnight. Strange thought I, must have turned it off when I got back from the pub. I saunter over it to check website while I had my usual breakfast consisting of coffee and a rollie. I pushed the power button; nothing. Strange, the little LED in the back of the power cable was on. I pushed the button again, nothing. Then I prodded the keys, they were all damp. I looked up at the ceiling and by the window, no evidence of leaks.

A few days later I received another computer off someone who had one going spare. I figured one of the first things to do was to salvage all the documents off the laptop. I slowly started opening it, I was then hit with the smell of ammonia. Ammonia and piss. Fucksocks.
( Slippery Mick ‏, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 22:18, 2 replies)

Henprix
I once tried to impress my grandmother by strumming mine vigorously and making guitar noises. That was a while ago now.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 20:43, 1 reply)

Raise your glasses!
I think I'm possibly ashamed of liberally applying my bollock batter to a friend's face to assist her with content for her hugely successful Bukkake web-site.

Many happy evenings spent (so to speak) assisting her hubby degrade the poor girl. (All except she wasn't degraded by it, she fucking loved it, and she became far from poor thanks to the membership fees). One of the memorable ones was when her mouth was kept open with a Jennings dental gag, and she wore one of those plastic collars you put on dogs to stop them licking/biting themselves. Add several blokes, some fluffers to help get the froth flowing and you end up with some truly, erm, "niche" material.

Another time she scraped it off with a spoon and fed it to the other young lady who was also wallowing in it. It was like an explosion at the Solvite factory.

Oh, and the time they discovered a new word........Gokkun.
All I could think of was the joke with the punchline "I tried to stop but I couldn't bite it off".

It turned my stomach, really. Once I've delivered the goods, my interest in it is completely gone. Dear God, watching women playing about with it......noooooo thank you.

It didn't stop me going round every week and getting blowjobs and some truly magnificent handjobs from from her glamorous assistants though.

But I am ashamed of it. Honest.
(Rsoles, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 20:27, 19 replies)

Down on the farm
One fine summer Mr Tompkins, the farmer I was working for, asked me to go in the barn and carry out a task.

Strange task, I thought. But I followed his instructions to the letter.

He was incredibly pissed off minutes later when he discovered me sat on a haystack, wanking off furiously.

"No you idiot!" shouted Mr Tompkins. He indicated the fowl running round the place and shook his head: "Choke the chickens! I said choke the chickens!"
( SpankyHanky, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 20:09, 2 replies)

I've seen lots of willies
and sometimes I think they look so ridiculous I just can't help but laugh out loud. I just can't help it! So, if I've laughed at yours, please know its nothing personal. They just have that effect on me!
(Grrrrr Tigers, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 20:05, 2 replies)

Piss wizards
I used to live in a square of houses with my bedroom window facing out in to the square, all well and good- i had a nice view of the tree in the middle.

Having woken up with the kind of hangover that a birthday drinks session will normally give I was faced with my then girlfriend looking at me with the now famous 'face of thunder'. Apparently at around 8 that morning (prime neighbours going to work time) i had moved to a kneeling position on my bed, which was positioned next to my window. I then opened the window and let go a big,built-up,lots of beer's worth of piss out of the window and all over her car parked in the driveway 3 stories below us. Magnificent.
(LongTomBadTom Does Makes Says Thinks, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 19:46, 1 reply)

Auto-fellatio
Just a few hours more and I would've been kicking myself for not adding this one. I had a lively conversation earlier about this topic and it kind of jogged my memory. (Un)fortunately this is not a story about my own unit, and fortunately I have had no physical contact with it. My only claim to fame involves being in the same room, which amounted to more than I thought.

It's a few years back, must've been 2003--the good old days for me. I'm still living in Canada, working as a security guard because hey a BA in sociology isn't worth much.

My sister was dating one of the bigger trainwrecks of her adult life, a friendly, charismatic IT-employed guy named Dustin. Dustin worked for a porn company, setting firewalls so only American web surfers could visit the site (so local stars don't get spotted by fans I guess). It was a good business and his office had a jacuzzi. Also, he could put his own penis in his mouth.

Now, there are two ways of doing this:
1) be really well hung, eg) Ron Jeremy
2) have a really flexible spine, eg) Dustin
Of course it was a big curiosity with all our friends. All the questions were asked--and yes, in general, if you could, you most certainly would. He said he preferred it to regular masturbation, because there's no cleanup after. I'll wait for you to digest that before we go on.

Okay, back? And he wasn't shy about his talent either. Once at our local dive bar he followed two female friends into the washroom, pushed one of them into the stall, jumped in after her and locked the door, and began demonstrating. The other girl hearing her screams thought she was being raped and tried kicking down the door.

I was never around due to the security guard job. Every week, Friday and Saturday, 6pm to 3am. One night, there was a party that I knew would go late, so on the way home I made the impulsive choice to stop by. Just for the hell of it I kept my security guard uniform on. Maybe not the best choice considering this house was filled with the scummiest, most untrustworthy crust and gutter punks you could imagine, but they liked me.

I found Dustin down in this small basement room with a bunch of other people, including Jebus, one of my best friends at the time. Suddenly someone broke out the cocaine and everyone snorted up except me and Jebus. We got to talking about Dustin's talent, and everyone wanted a demonstration. He had stage fright (coupled with the effects of the drug), and refused to perform in front of all of us.

It was agreed upon he would take three volunteers into another room to demonstrate, and it was okay that one had a video camera. I opted to go along, still not really expecting him to do it.

He was just unable to get an erection, but by stretching it with his fingers he could get the tip into his mouth. I looked over just in time to see what looked like a strip of raw bacon stretching from his fly up to his mouth, as he was bent over like some kind of hunchback.

"Holy fuck!" I believe I exclaimed, before smashing my head through the nearest available drywall in an attempt to induce amnesia.

For the next few months, random acquaintances would come up to me and say "Hey Race, I saw that video from the party. It was hilarious when you smashed your head through the wall?"

"Well, what about Dustin auto-fellating himself?" I'd ask.

"Aw, that's typical Dustin," came the inevitable reply. "But you put your head through a wall!"

I never understood that reaction. I wonder if the video is still around somewhere, in some junkie's closet or a giant repo warehouse.

Anyway, he didn't last long with my sister. Probably something to do with the drug-induced impotence. Or it could be when his mind started to go, and tried to become a Buddhist monk, and was later telling people he was a time-travelling Nazi visiting from 1930s Germany.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 16:22, 2 replies)

a penis is nothing to be envious of
A couple of years ago I was seeing a guy a lot younger than me. He was still living with his parents and I was a little concerned that they might be somewhat disapproving of our tentative relationship as it mostly consisted of their son having a great deal of sex with some auld Mrs Robinson type like me. In fact, they couldn't have been more welcoming and I had free rein of their son's bedroom. This may have had something to do with his mum finding his porn stash when cleaning. Shemale porn, and lots of it. The criteria for me being a decent girl for their son was based entirely on their relief that I didn't have a cock.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 16:13, 9 replies)

Dirty dirty...
Back at some point in 2006, I visited a gay club. I'm not gay - but my friend of many, many years had recently come out and was constantly demanding my presence on a 'boys' night out.

He insisted and insisted that I joined him, citing as precedent the countless times he'd been 'bored to death' in straight clubs watching my futile attempts to pull.

He kind of had a point. Even after he came out, my mate still accompanied me to bars / clubs etc and acted as a great wing man. So I figured I owed him and agreed.

So on Saturday night we arrived at the appropriately named 'Hoist' located somewhere in deepest Vauxhall. This wasn't some fluffy camp Kylie love-in - more a dark and festishy affair under a railway arch, set to relentless nosebleed techno.

I didn't like it.

But I drank on through and soon I was shirtless and throwing my arms into the air, eliciting grins from leather clad, hairy-biker types and overly pumped body builders.

Soon I need a wazz. My mate kindly agreed to escort me and we fought our way to the bog. The toilets were your standard layout of 4-5 cubicles and a massive 15ft long, old-skool iron urinal. But this pissoir had an added feature that I'd never seen before in London's clubland.

When I say this urinal was long, it was deep too and came out about 3ft from the wall. I squeezed my way to a spot near the middle and was just about to unzip when I noticed the 'added feature'.

There was someone lying IN the fucking urinal.

In it.

Lying splayed out, wearing nothing but some sort of lycra bodysuit, covered in piss, fag butts and god-knows what else, was a human being, a person, a real live man. And he was lying in the piss in the fucking urinal.

In it.

'Oh how funny' said my mate, 'there's a Piss Boy here tonight, this you've gotta see...'

I stood down from my pissing position and looked on aghast as my mate and everyone else in the line peed freely over the bloke squirming in front of them. The regulars seemed non-plussed but I fought my way out of there.

My friend followed and tried to explain away what I'd just witnessed. 'It's a fetish,' he said, 'quite a common one too and this IS a fetish club.'

This was too much. So I adopted my earlier defence mechanism and tried to drink through it. I had three pints of strong lager in quick succession. I danced a bit. I smoked a lot. And then the inevitable happened. I needed to go. I really needed to go.

So back to toilets I stumbled, desperately trying each of the cubicles before I had to face that urinal. They were all full of ketamine snorting, fisting oddballs. So I turned regretfully to the pisser. It was quieter now and there was only the one bloke - who'd already started to pack his meat away and leave.

So I took my chance. I walked over. I looked down. I looked down into the eyes of the piss-drenched maniac and I started to pee.

I pissed in his mouth. I pissed on his hair. I looked him straight in the eyes and then I pissed directly at them. I pissed in his ears. And I pissed up his nose.

He blubbered and gurgled appreciatively, his eyes never leaving mine as I continued, for what seemed like hours, to empty my full, foul-smelling bladder all over the freak.

And that, is the the most ashamed I've ever been (penis involved or not).

C'est tout.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 18 Mar 2009, 16:07, 21 replies)