Trombone
Sorry about the length…

When i was younger i had dreams of playing the coolest of instruments... the guitar (electric of course), Drums, Piano (keyboard with synth) and as I matured - the sax. I made these views perfectly clear to my mum, who from a young age noticed my musical talent.

So much so that she enrolled me in a music course at the age of 4. Playing the fekkin ORGAN! (She was/is quite the religious kind) But my story isn’t about the organ; a few years had to pass first.

I attended about 4 Organ classes, before my lack of enthusiasm finally showed. So we fast forward several years. I went school, where my mum was told i have an ear for music, and should be enrolled in learning a musical instrument. As my cousin had already learnt to play it and had a spare in her garage, to save money my mum thought it would be a good idea to play the TROMBONE. Which isn’t so bad, but when the case is old, the shape size and weight of a small coffin, and you are about 4ft tall, it becomes a problem. My mother never saw the problem.

So after passing through 3 music grades in a matter of months, my mum thought I was a musical genius, when in fact I was incredibly good at remembering a tune, rather than actually reading music. “Take him to the Saturday music school” one music teacher suggested. And so begun my musical downfall at the age of 9yrs old.

I remember the morning quite well; I had argument upon argument with my parents about going to the Saturday music school. I knew I was a fraud. I didn’t know a single note in the written form. Not just that but there were several positions of the trombone I was still unable to reach because my arms weren’t long enough.

We arrived at the school I was trying to hold the tears of embarrassment back… I walked the corridors with my mum almost dragging me with my trombone coffin hanging from lack luster arms. Everyone was older than me, everyone seemed familiar to one another, bar me, I felt them gaze through me – they knew I was a charlatan. We arrived outside the class, my mum threw open the door, pushed me in I could hear the room fall silent behind me. I turned to my mum just as she closed the door behind me, her final words were ‘ill be in the car’.

I turned to face the class, the door was at the front of the class, I was infront of everyone. I noticed the class was averaged at age of about 14-15, I was 9. I sat down on the only spare chair, the room was still silent. I was a stranger – and boy did they make me feel it…

The teacher allowed me a few minutes to setup my trombone and gave me a sheet of music. It was just as I dreaded, the sheet was full of notes and twirls, and characters I should have known, but I didn’t. The Teacher ushered every one to raise the instruments to start. With a nod of his head I pushed the mouthpiece to my mouth. But I couldn’t even muster a note.

I could feel the silence from my seat like I had dropped an SBD. The teacher walked over to check I had the right music. I did, but I just couldn’t play it. They played quickly, so quickly that one or two notes that I did understand simply passed before I had enough time to enhale.

Then I took evasive action. I prepared to run. But I couldn’t just run out… I had the trombone which needed to be packed away. I looked at my coffin, I could do it, its there, my escape… it’ll only take a few seconds to dismantle and run. And so I did mid song. The tune fell apart as I stepped off the chair. Distracting the band with every second. I was out the door in a flash, tears running down my cheeks, I was so scared, and humiliated.

I ran down the halls, people staring and laughing, I was a mess. But I had done it, my mum couldn’t make me go back.

I got to the car, my mum was sitting with the windows down reading the newspaper. She saw my face, helped me into the car. We had a Mcdonalds on the way home.

I didn’t play again.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:03, 18 replies)

Organ
You played the organ as a child?

Is your real surname Glitter?
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:13, closed)

haw haw
:P
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:15, closed)

Sorry
I know it was an obvious one but it's a slow day :)
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:15, closed)

That's terrible
You could have been a jazz maestro by now, had your mum not humiliated you.

New Orleans would be a-beckoning.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:27, closed)

Apparently...
Flavor Flav is a classically-trained trombonist. Who knows where you'd have ended up?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:29, closed)

i can see what my mum was trying to do
but at the time i thought she was pure evil.

Sometimes, kids need a little kick up their arses (not literally) to get them to try things.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:32, closed)

Cheers Mum.
It was my Mum's 'encouragement' that got me into music early on.

That's me: sat in an office, doing a very regular 9-5, which has nothing to do with music.

She must be so proud.
( Moey, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:51, closed)

I don't agree with her approach.
Kids should be encouraged to try things like music. My son wanted to learn guitar, so I got him a cheap but playable one to tinker with. I knew he'd never get far with it, but on the other hand, who knows?

Me, I can play guitar fairly well, and can usually stumble along on other instruments- yet I can't read music. Should I have been humiliated in front of a class like that to prove a point? No. That would have taken the joy out of it altogether, and been mean.

I don't like what she did.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Wed 28 May 2008, 14:53, closed)

Organ
I was an organist for a bit, which is rather unusual in young ladies...gave it up to concentrate on singing though, and I'm rather regretting that now (organists can earn a hell of a lot of money for not much work).
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:53, closed)

@Bob
May I be the first to make some lewd joke about you playing my organ at any hour of the day?

Thank you.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 28 May 2008, 14:57, closed)

I agree with the Loon
both of my girls are quite musical, and we encouraged them by buying cheap "toy" versions so they could have some fun.

Kids learn better when they're having fun. Eldest is still really into music, having been offered an instrument (oo err) and given a choice which one in primary school.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Wed 28 May 2008, 15:02, closed)

Dammit
The more i see the word organ the more it makes me laugh, not a good look in the office!
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 28 May 2008, 15:03, closed)

Being forced to take music lessons
I would love to have learnt the guitar or piano as a young 'un - had I done so, I would clearly be in a world-famous band by now.

But, no, my parents decided to buy me a clarinet and pay for lessons I didn't want, purely and simply because it was the "obvious" choice since I played the recorder at primary school. WTF? Everybody had to play the sodding recorder at one point...
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 28 May 2008, 15:10, closed)

cockbrush
i sympathise.

I discoverd the recorder was meerly a over comlicated whistle.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 28 May 2008, 15:12, closed)

Guitar
HGaving never really learnt any instruments through school I bought an acoustic guitar (images of Jack Johnson and MAtt Costa in my mind)

I also bought Guitar for dummies and have learned about 3 chords

I'm now trying to get a proper teacher to give me a grounding in the instrument then I'll go to the books...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 28 May 2008, 15:36, closed)

@Enzyme
Yes. Yes you may. With pleasure.


Length? Hopefully a 32 foot pipe.


Fnarr.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 28 May 2008, 15:54, closed)

Oh Dear
Yes, yes to all of this. Why do they not listen when you tell them you can't read music?

I had to play the clarinet (really wanted to play the sax) and could never read music, I just played everything by ear. I kept trying to tell the teacher I couldn't read the music, but even when I mysteriously couldn't play a piece and was then perfect after he'd hummed it once in frustration, he just thought I was being peverse.

It took until a grade three exam for him to realise I couldn't read music. So he gave up on me. Wonderful. I stuck to singing instead.
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Wed 28 May 2008, 19:54, closed)

@la fossil
Ho yus, organists can earn. But only at the cost of selling our souls.

The most lucrative post is playing in a crematorium... a more spine-crushingly banal musical fate I can barely imagine, apart from possibly 2nd desk in the 2nd violins for Boyzone's string section. The other earners are weddings - but there are 300 great hymns in the book and everyone still wants Morning Has Broken or Give Me Joy In My Heart or some crap by Graham Kendrick. Plus it means you never get to go away on a summer weekend because there's a wedding every Saturday.

I love being an organist........ but mainly for the bits I don't get paid for, e.g. cranking it up to 11 and bashing out some ear-bending Tournemire to frighten the old ladies.

Yours with a 32-foot contra-bombarde (oh, sorry, bindun)
(ChaRleyTroniC is invincible with his chips and cheese, Wed 28 May 2008, 20:19, closed)