Center Parcs, about 4 years ago...
...me and my friend had rented mountain bikes to cycle around the complex instead of walking. We'd had a few jars in the random pub there and were heading back to the chalet at about 11pm. We decided to go on an adventure - the quickest route was untracked woodland but, quite nicely, it was all downhill. We were both big lads - 6' by that point. We raced down the hill and, whilst both chatting after reaching a nice cruising speed, we heard a rustle in the bushes ahead. The bush was going absolutely fucking mental, and we were absolutely bricking it.

At that point, what must have been about 5 rabbits and a fucking BADGER raced out of the hedge at roughly 70,000mph. We didn't have time to react, we both screamed, and we both went separate directions around the bush. I went left, launched off a tree root, flew through the air and landed absolutely PERFECTLY on the track ahead. I cheered and raised my arms, before plowing over the other side and into a stream. Probably my shortest lived moment of triumph, and no fucker was there to see it.

I heard Jon still screaming, so I picked myself up. What had happened? I thought he'd done a Sonny and whacked a tree. I stumbled up the hill to see that he'd been violated by his bike seat. It took a swift kick of justice to the left arse cheek to remove him. He walked like John Wayne for the rest of the holiday.

The screaming was the most chilling thing I've ever heard, especially in the dimly lit forest. Then again, what would you do if you'd lost your anal virginity to a 4-year-old mountain bike caused by rabbits and a badger?
( TGP on the rock 'n' roll, Mon 26 Feb 2007, 17:28, Reply)