try 2 wheels
motorbikes and pushbikes are two of my main forms of transport. i hav had near misses an many - oh too many - not near enough misses to think about
been 4 a curry
pished
will write something more descriptive in the morning
arp
(kaptinkurtz, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 23:14, Reply)

I mean, really
I was cut up by a woman who was driving erratically. When I passed her she was drinking tea, doing her make up and eating an apple.

I mean, just how is a woman supposed to drive and do her makeup I ask you??

Actually - I really did see a woman with a cuppa and doing her makeup last week. I mean it. I hung wayyyyyyyy back from that disaster waiting to happen....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 23:10, Reply)

A Special Message For Cyclists
Traffic lights apply to traffic.

You are traffic.

Therefore, when they are red, you sodding well STOP, just like everybody else. Get it?

Remember, they might say 'What a tragedy, he was such a bright boy, just about to graduate, he had his whole life in front of him' but what they actually mean is 'He was a selfish tit who was too far up himself to understand that the Cultural Revolution doesn't apply outside the campus gates'.

If I had a quid for every time I've seen a cyclist ignore a red light I could employ Bill Gates full-time to wipe my bottom, whether it needed wiping or not.
(><(((">, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 23:07, Reply)

Rage
My biggest regret is DAMN YOU - CAN'T YOU USE YOUR INDICATORS!!!!!
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 23:05, Reply)

I like....
blowing kisses to the drivers who flip out at me.
(NuclearMosquito, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:53, Reply)

Is it me, or does anybody else

ever get that feeling when you take a wrong turn that you end up driving round and round in circles? It's my own fault though, I really shouldn't have bought that house next to the Indy ring.

EDIT: Danny Rosh, is that the Magic Roundabout?
(Lt Columbo, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:53, Reply)

Swindon drivers...
How does a town so full of roundabouts produce so many drivers that completely fail to understand how to use them? Couple of weeks ago on my way home, 3 lane roundabout, me in the middle and some twunt on my left. the twunt decides he wants to turn right, with no thought that he might just force me to slam into his side. Luckily I brake and very narrowly avoid slamming into his door. Of course after managing to stop in time, there was a fair amount of beeping and visual swearing coming entirely from me. I thought about following him, perhaps asking him why he was so inclined to risk injury to people in my car and his then beating the shit into him. Luckily I remebered I'm a complete weed so gave up on that line of thought quickly.
Those of you thinking that the twunt might have just been worried about missing the turning, you could quite easily see the next roundabout just 30 meteres or so down the road.

Nah wasn't the magic roundabout, it's the duel carriageway by the Kembry trading estate heading to the A419
(Danny_Rosh, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:51, Reply)

dad rage!
my dad was the king of the road rage.
I remember getting a lift home with my five years ago, getting a lift home with dad.
a mini cut him up at the traffic lights... dad started fuming and leapt out at the next set of lights to admonish the driver.
like a sitcom, four huuuge rugby player types unfolded themselves from the mini and proceeded to knock dad to the floor.
I could only look on helplessly and scream like a girl (which I am).
eventually the rugger types gave up, and drove off. dad picked himself up and limped back to the car. he turned to me, smiled and said "that taught them".

my dad was splendid
( biscuitbiscuit is in ur garden, watering ur plantz, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:48, Reply)

road rage?
i don't need to worry about that, my jet powered car gets me past any troubles. as long as that bloody tyre stays inflated
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:47, Reply)

I don't know about you but...
I'd fight Cerys Matthews.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:44, Reply)

Hurrah,
Lovely timing - I have my first ever driving lesson tomorrow. Expect an massive influx of angry Bournemouth drivers :(
( stevierar, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:42, Reply)

Cig Rage
One fine, sunny day I was waiting for a tram and decided to light up a nice fag while I waited.

As I took the first puff, this woman crosses the road to the tram stop, stands in front of me, coughs into my face, then crosses the road back again and walks on.

On a clear sunny day. In Holland. I'd just met the only person in Holland who not only didn't smoke, but had a hang-up about it worth crossing the road for.

Back then it was quite legal to smoke in offices, never mind outside. Nowadays in Britain, of course, freaks like that get put in the government.

(Sorry for the length, maar hier zijn wij al zo lang.)
(><(((">, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:42, Reply)

road rage averted
I used to be a courier in London in a truck, once some drunk bloke staggered out in front of me, when I beeped he came round to my window and spat at me. I jumped out to remonstrate with the fellow
As I grabbed him with one hand and swung a punch, a dreadlocked rastafarian cycle courier stopped along right next to us, put up his hands and shouted "In de name of Jah, stop de fightin!"

this made us both realise the error of our ways

rastaman, we salute you
( hugo-a-gogo has no sig, the gayer, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:28, Reply)

Road Rage
Recently I was driving along when some lady cut me off. I gave her a friendly wave and she gave me the finger. So I screamed a few obscene words at her as we approched a red light.

The crazy lady jumped out of her car and began to walk towards me. I noticed her car was rolling in reverse and was about to hit the person behind her.

I smiled at her and pointed at her car. She jumped back in her car and stopped it from ramming the person behind her.

I laughed at her and drove on. Maybe I should have just let her wreck into the person behind her, but I figured, why ruin his day as well.

Crazy people.
(scarsfromknives, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:26, Reply)

Nearly got run off the road by that doyenne of road safety
Prince Naseem Hamed. Ham-fisted wanker.

Also, being tailgated by some prat on one of the worst roads in South Yorkshire, the A628 coming into Stocksbridge. However, he soon dropped back, very rapidly, once I pointed a video camera at him. Trouble was, the video camera wasn't working, mainly due to it being dropped in a river 1 hour previously...
( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:24, Reply)

My only ever car accident to date

was when I was driving home with a few of my mates after a night out. Tragically, my mate in the passenger seat died instantly, one of my friends in the back was prenounced dead at the hospital, and my other pal who was in the back lasted 3 months in a coma before sadly passing away.

Me mates parents were all very angry at me for it and to this day still hold me responsible but I ask you, how on earth was I supposed to see that lampost after the 8 pints I'd had?
(Lt Columbo, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:22, Reply)

Fucking ice cream van
ran out again. Grrr.

I was so cross I went home and threw crisps into my mouth very hard.
( Bob Todd whee, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:18, Reply)

CUNTS
YOU FUCKERS ARE ALL GETTING IN MY WAY. I'M GOING TO COME OVER THERE AND FUCK YOU UP U STUPID TWATS! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE THAT GEARSTICK SHOVED UP YOUR ARSE?

CUNTS TWATS BOLLOCKS

ARGH
( Pew Pew Pew! Lasers! wannabe Gong Farmer, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:16, Reply)

I was driving home today
and was stuck righ behind a bus that was picking up and dropping off quite a few people. Now, some clever people had parked in the bus stop, so he had to stop in the middle of our lane and because there was an island in the middle of the road, me and the line of traffic were stuck behind him.

Now, not his fault - he has to stop where he can. So I sat patiently behind him for about a minute and a half until he finally moved. As he was pullin off, he decided to stick his arm out the window and give me the finger - for no apparent reason.

I was raging, and finally caught up with him at traffic lights and rolled my window down to ask him why.

Me: "Why did you give me the finger?"
Him: "Cause you were sitting blasting your horn, that's why."
Me: "No I wasn't. Noone was blasting their horn at all."
Him: "Oh"

If their eyesight is half as bad as their hearing, that'll explain a lot of their driving...
( Fudgebags will wear you like a glove, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:14, Reply)

Idiots
who talk on mobile phones while driving. More than once I have wound down my window and shouted 'Get off the **** phone' at them.

The penalty should be for them to have their mobile phone stuffed right up their arse.
(><(((">, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:13, Reply)

I'm normally quite calm
And i have total respect for the majority of other drivers, pedestrians and cyclists. Yes, even cyclists - and not just because I am one myself sometimes.

However. What really gets my goat are the ones who seem to want to get killed. The pedestrians who walk out into the road without looking while texting or on the phone. The cyclists who think it's clever to be on a road at night with no lights or helmet, wearing black. The drivers who sit 2 inches from my bumper while driving at 80mph on the motorway. And the bus drivers, oh where do I start with the bus drivers. I have one thing to say: indicators should be put on before you start to move out not when you've already shoved me half way over to the other side of the road because you pulled out without warning.

Ah, I feel better now :)


EDIT: ooh taxis, I forgot taxis. How I hate taxis. Can somebody explain why they're allowed to use bus lanes and I get fined £30 for it??!!
(Eldred, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:06, Reply)

Arola M0rre

That's a coincidence. I like to drive full speed towards pedestrian crossings when people are crossing and the lights are clearly on red then watch the terror in their eyes just before I slam the brakes on.

Seeing them flee in the nearest available direction always reminds me of watching a herd of wilderbeasts running away from a lion.
(Lt Columbo, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:04, Reply)

How much do i hate taxis
I'm a nice guy, but I've lost friends with my displays of hatred towards fucking taxis.

EVERY single time I see a taxi it's doing an illegal uturn, or jumping lights, or slowing down for green lights (when carrying passengers,natch).

Fucking Berkular Funts.
( The Lurker Plenty One, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:03, Reply)

One Night...
One night as I went to get coffee at my favorite store, I came on a scene with a woman dictating to a wrecker service how to take the clothes and suitcases out of the trunk of her rental.  They had trouble getting the flat off the car, it had a lock lugnut.  When just at the last bit of luggage, the guy finally gave up and as politely as he could told the woman he didn't need her abuse, and he was just doing this from the goodness of his Fla-ah-da Cracka heart.  Loaded all the stuff back in the trunk and left.

I noticed an old blind guy standing in the corner with a filterless cigarette hanging out of his mouth unlit.  The guy was just trembling in fear.  Meanwhile the woman just turned up the heat and demanded SOMETHING BE DONE ABOUT THIS!  She got in the car, still raised off the ground with the flat, revved the engine, spun the wheels, ran it off the jack, and sparks flew when that wheel rim hit the ground.  She managed to go far enough to block the gas pumps.

The attendant called the rental company and they sent another car out, the guy there told her he wasn't supposed to put any of the luggage in the trunk and the attendant wouldn't do it.  Finally she turns to me.  Mind, I had long hair, a beard down to my chest, wearing shorts, feathers in my hair, sandals made from a car tire, and a pipe stuck in my mouth.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Would you please help me put my luggage in the back of this car?"  She was on her honeymoon with the old blind guy.  The whole thought just gives me chills.
( CapnChkn I would rather be flying elephants., Thu 12 Oct 2006, 22:02, Reply)

I can't drive, never have. . .
But I do like to cross the road in the most rediculous places though. And when the white van driver stamps on the break and screeches to a halt within a few feet of where I am crossing, I like to smile and wave then skip across the road laughing like a girl . . .
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:54, Reply)

Eastern European HGVs!
I drive along the M20 to and from work at odd hours (3am in some cases!) - however, being the main route from both Dover and the Chunnel into the UK, we tend to get lots of Europe's finest HGV drivers doing their very best to kill everyone else on the roads.

The number of burnt out, mangled lorries on the hard shoulder, not to mention the numerous HGV-sized skidmarks and humungous bits of blown out tyres would be a clue to some of them to maybe.. I don't know... ***SLOW DOWN*** and stop trying to overtake eachother in the middle lane while flashing their headlights in some sort of code....

Strange how they all seem to be limited to do the speed limit during normal hours when they know Kent's finest are out and about.. but before say 5am - the M20 is like a Bulgarian HGV boy-racers paradise.

Not nice when you drive a micra...
( HSDriver was probably still at work on, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:51, Reply)

Rage
My biggest regret is always posting late to question of the week.
(Ka-Tingey www.myspace.com/paultingey weekly updated funnies, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:48, Reply)

a few years back
myself, my mam and my dad went off to m & s in warrington (dunno why, liverpool's got a perfectly crap one) driving round the one way system of the car park my dad comes across an eejit coming the wrong way, trying to nick my dad's space. my dad starts beeping and waving and eventually gets the space, after we get out of the car my mam was holding my dad back and the other bloke was being held back by his wife as they hurled abuse at each other

did i mention that both parties were well over 50!
(cs192 is sucking on a Koala at, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:40, Reply)

yay 2nd!
I avoid trouble if possible, but did swear once loudly at someone who stopped at a roundabout with no other cars nearby, and waited a bit too long. my words :

"for f**ks sake, there are no f**king cars coming"

the only issue i was in a convertible and the top was down, the chap shouted words back,sounded like :

"I know there are no cooking cars around",

I assumed he was looking for a catering van???
(HomerJH, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:39, Reply)

first yay!
I am fitting a loud hailer to my car to swear at people/cars as they seem to be getting to me every day now....
Seriously, i drive through 3 rural villages and a small town twice a day, and people or cars divvering at lights/roundabouts need a little encouragement, and they dont seem to listen to horns any more. They will listen when they hear a voice, not from the mysterons, but from me telling them to get the fack out of the way!
(i AM that masked man Book him Tonto, Thu 12 Oct 2006, 21:38, Reply)