Offer your services to blind people as
"A Talking Guide Dog".

They'll never know the difference, and be really amazed, into the bargain, meaning you can bump the price up.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 14:44, 3 replies)

If you win £4m on the lottery go and buy
3,999,999 tickets for the next one. You will have a very good chance of winning again and even if you lose you've still got your quid back from the first time.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Wed 16 Nov 2011, 14:37, Reply)

If you post your letters
a day earlier, you can send them 2nd class instead and save 10p a time.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 14:28, 9 replies)

Members of the British National Party.
Keep sending money to Nick Griffin. The Marxist media 'exposing' his dodgy dealings just proves that he's making them nervous. Go on, please.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:50, Reply)

Vinegar Tits
White vinegar makes an excellent alternative to fabric conditioner. It doesn't coat your clothes is a shitty film of chemicals and is a lot cheaper. Add about the same amount as fabric conditioner and be amazed at how soft your clothes become and they don't smell of vinegar either.

Also, bosh a load of bicarbonate of soda down the plughole then pour a healthy measure of white vinegar in after it. Watch in amazement as it fizzes up the bunghole, cleaning as it goes. Fire a half kettle of boiling water in after 10 mins. No more rancid drain smells.

Bored? Not got a Wii Box or a flat screen telleh? Can't afford silly putty? Make your own entertainment by mixing cornflour with water until you have a gloopy paste. Watch in amazement as it becomes solid when under any sort of pressure, eg rolled about in your hand, then turns to liquid once you stop. Voila, your very own non Newtonian fluid.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:50, 8 replies)

Save money on expensive lawsuits from the parents of traumatised children...
by staying indoors during daylight hours, if your face looks like a ghastly molten plastic surgery experiment gone wrong with additional tufts of wiry werewolf like hair sprouting out at odd angles.
(Mystery_Machine, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:48, 1 reply)

Save money on expensive cosmetic false beards...
to cover up horrific facial burn scars, by simply shaving your pubes and armpits and supergluing the cuttings to your face.
(Mystery_Machine, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:48, Reply)

Save money on excessive diarrhoea related toilet roll expenses
...by NOT eating four day old blancmange which has gone off.
(Mystery_Machine, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:48, Reply)

If you're flying
with Deri Air Airways in economy class tip Shelly the wink to get a free upgrade. Enjoy the luxuries of first class (i.e. 2 inches shorter on all the stewardess' skirt hemlines, cocktail hour with the pilot crew and first dibs on the parachutes when if the engines cut out at 30,000 feet) at no extra cost.
( Clay hopes this bit is long enough to promote my websi, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Save money on expensive herbal burn healing creams...
by simply smearing strawberry blancmange all over your face.

As an added benefit, once the burns have healed a few days later, simply lick your face for a tasty snack.
(Mystery_Machine, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Save money on razors, shaving foam and aftershave.
After you have deodorised and sprayed your armpits in the morning, simply light a match and spray your chin.
(Mystery_Machine, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:47, Reply)

Love Spicy Food?
Avoid expensive cuts of meat/ham/bread as everything tastes of chilli sauce anyway.
( Ulic hissing slightly, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:46, Reply)

Plan your Meals Before Shopping
It sounds simple, but before doing your weekly shop, plan out the week's meals beforehand and write a list of the ingredients. That way you buy what you are going to need rather than making it up when you get there and buying food that gets thrown away. This also prevents revisits later in the week when you pop in for some pasta and walk out £25 lighter from buying more un-needed crap.
Make sure to buy your fresh milk/bread at a cornershop to avoid this same problem.(N.B. this does not help to avoid buying alcohol)
( Ulic hissing slightly, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:43, 4 replies)

Train tickets
When using the trainline, checkout how muich first class is before you spend £££ on economy.

Sometimes - when its busy, its actually cheaper to go first class.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:41, 2 replies)

Just steal everything you want.
Best to start with weapons, as you'll need them for when people try to get their stuff back, but once you've got them, you should be OK.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:39, 2 replies)

save money on expensive burglar alarm systems
by installing a wasps nest just inside your front door
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:26, 15 replies)

Save money when robbing a bank. Tenuous.
1# find a cheap clown wig from pound shop.
2# put on some cheap make up and only wear a thong and home made nipple tassels. (Saves on clothes)
3# Steal a goat and a can of fluorescent paint
4# Steal a van and use old newspapers (Mashed) to make it look like a giant cock.

The plan:

Carry the goat in one arm and while in the bank fuck the goat and throw the paint over the walls, all the time ripping up pages of a phonebook and swearing your head off.
After getting the money take a shit on the floor and piss everywhere. Then escape in the van shaped like a giant cock.

You save money on your robbery and I would like to see fucking Crimewatch stage a reconstruction of that.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:07, 5 replies)

Make your wages last longer
by getting one of those kittens that shits cash. I'm fairly sure they exist anyway.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 13:00, 2 replies)

Rest your head on the boobs of a generously proportioned lady
And save money on pillows.
(McChinaman banned, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:44, 2 replies)

Private Parking Tickets
Got an scary looking bit of paper claiming you owe forty quid, or eighty quid, or whatever-number-they-pulled-out-of-their-arses quid for overstaying at a supermarket or other private car park? Is it called a "Parking Charge Notice" so it has the same initials as a "Penalty Charge Notice"?

You can safely ignore it.

Private companies have absolutely now powers to impose penalties. The very most they could possibly claim from you is their direct losees from your overstay, and if the car park is free to use, that loss is a big, fat zero.

In due course you'll get letters from "Debt Collectors" (a bloke on the other side of the office) and maybe even from Trethowans or Graham White solicitors. All sorts of nasty things will be threatened: CCJs, wrecked credit ratings, the lot.

Ignore them too.

A vanishingly small proportion of actions are actually started by Private Parking Companies. Almost all of those are withdrawn if you make it clear you'll see them in court. Almost all the rest are lost.

So just keep on ignoring, no matter how scary the letters look.

Notes. (1) The CAB invariably tell you to pay. This is spectacularly wrong advice. (2) Don't have a PPC cases (in the spectacularly unlikely event that one gets off the ground against you) heard at Bournemouth as one of the magistrates there runs a PPC.
(ubergeekian, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:41, 5 replies)

Wannabe Nazi tyrants.
Save money on your massive gas bills by using comparison websites to find the best deal.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:24, Reply)

Avoid losing your cash on expensive hotel stays, water and electric bills and the occasional bail payout
by using a loaded dice next time you play.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:08, Reply)

Save a lifetime of spending money and having money spent on you
by inventing a time machine and going back to when you were born and killing yourself.

Maybe even go back to your great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great,
great, great, great, great, great, great
grandfather and wipe him out instead, saving
hundreds of years of your family spending money
on food and clothes and stuff.

Paradox? What paradox? Zowie....
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Act sensibly with your cash, live within your means, set some aside as savings, and only spend extravagantly on luxuries occassionally, and then only when you can afford it.
You fools.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:59, 8 replies)

Save money on lottery tickets...
...by winning the jackpot on your first go - then never buying another one.
(minimalist ..., Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:48, Reply)

don't be tempted to save money by buying oven gloves from your local poundshop
a burnt finger that I acquired while taking my chicken kievs out of the oven last night taught me this.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:45, 1 reply)

Buy an eye mask from the pound shop, get hold of a pistol, and steal a horse.
Become a highwayman, and hey presto! All the moneys (and the laydeez!) are yours! HURRAH!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:30, 1 reply)

Sometimes the best way to save money is to realise just what you're spending your cash on each month..
If you have online banking it's easy to audit your spending with free home accounting software. My online banking allows me to download each months statement into some home accounts software called Acemoney Lite.

You can then easily set up a few rules that can categorise each transaction into groups such as 'household bills','mortgage','shopping','Leisure','Gifts','loans' and so on.

After a month or so you will be able to see accurate totals of exactly where your money is going and configuring a typical spending limit budget against each category it's then easy to see whether you have gone over/under budget in any one month and reign it in if necessary.

It shocked me how much we were spending on Booze and Take-aways each month and with only a slight lifestyle change we were able to claw back about £100/month.

Also as I set the expected monthly limits on each category after a few months I noticed that SKY were sneaking a few extra quid onto their prices each year which made me realise how much we were pissing up the wall on shitty reruns. So we cancelled it and got Freesat from SKY.

The same went for grocery spending. Mrs Airman Gabber would regularly pop into Tescos for 'a few bits' and at the end of the month those few bits added up to over £300. This helped us change our shopping habits and shave even more money off the bills.

We also pay by debit card wherever convenient (bars & restaurants) as it'll make it easier to see where your money is going once it's imported into the system.

It sounds a bit anal and sometimes I get fanatical about money management but as a result similarly paid colleagues can't fathom out how I can afford the nice car, home, holiday apartment and still have a life.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:18, 7 replies)

Frugal?
Use Cash,
Withdraw the money in note form at the cashpoint instead of using the chip/pin machine for small purchases. Having tangible £10's and £20's in your hand makes a difference as you shop. Some places still give a discount for cash purchases. I saved 25 quid on this laptop for paying cash for it still kept the same amount of warranty.

Cars:
Some things you can save on some things you can't. Even though its a penny cheaper I don't use Supermarket Petrol, I seem to get a better mileage out of Shell. Regarding Cars, as people have said, service them regularly, make sure the tyre pressures are spot on, and wash your car, A clean car is more fuel efficient.

Plan:
Your meals, buy in bulk, freeze things, I use a shopping delivery service, stops me impulse buying, saves on fuel going to the supermarket and time spent there.

Online banking:
I check my bank accounts every day, it takes seconds and enables me to keep a track of my money.

Ebay:
Great source for bargains, clothes, shoes, DVD's, electronic goods, all delivered to your door. And a useful way to sell things on , once you have finished with them. Also Freecycle, Music Magpie, Mazuma, for getting rid of unwanted items.

Make friends:
With your neighbours, everyone has a skill that can be traded, Talk to them, find out which Builder/Garage/Plumber does a good job and which ones rip you off. In the summer BBQ's and parties make for a cheap night out. A sense of community watching out for each other reduces burglary and crime, And if such crimes occur, word gets passed around quickly.

Quality:
Quality items does not always equal well know brand names. How much are you paying for the label and how much are you paying for the quality of the item? A pair of high end leather shoes made by a craftsman costs about the same as a pair of trainers made in the far east. Once the leather has formed itself to the shape of your feet, they will last longer. And are better for your feet because the leather 'breathes' allowing sweat to escape, instead of rotting the trainer from the inside. Plus your feet don't tend to stink. A quality leather jacket will last decades coming in and out of fashion.

And whats the deal with i-phones/player? they seem to be a device designed for sucking money out of your bank account in small payments? I have a generic samsung mp3/video/audio recorder. It does everthing I wanted it to do without needing constant uodates and the continual purcashing of apps.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:12, 8 replies)

Got change?
If you have loads of change that you want to "change up", don't use the coinsstar machines in supermarkets. These take 10% of your cash off you. Instead, everytime you need to get 20 items or less, take a big bag of change with you and use the self-service tills. These will take as much change as you can throw at them.
(ScousersPet, Wed 16 Nov 2011, 11:08, 4 replies)