Football Crazy
The year was 1987 and I was a 15 year old lad at the peak of my wanking career. Having become the school porno mag dealer, I had access to a plethora of Razzle, Fiesta and Knave magazines, and most importantly “virgin rights” to new editions (as I was the only one with the bottle to front up at the indian newsagents and buy them). Given our age, and the fact that we attended an all-boys school, the only real action my mates and I had experienced was Mrs Palm and Her Five Lovely Daughters. Nonetheless, all manner of explicit and nasty sex discussions were the order of the day.

Anyway, it was the Friday afternoon of the annual Prefects vs Staff football match in Beddington Park. The pupils were all lined up on one side of the field, and the staff on the other, collectively enjoying the lesson bunking more than the football.

Within ten minutes of the game, we were all bored and naturally reverted to our usual discussions, this time in reference to the female staff line up across from us. Most of the debate centred on a particularly hot economics teacher who was blessed with great legs, pretty features and awesome funbags. For over an hour we pondered and deliberated on issues such as:

- The wonder that was catching a glimpse of her black stocking tops, against her creamy pale thighs

- How good it would be to bust a nut on her mighty stilton veined meat sacks

- How it was obvious she would be up for letting you gain access to her premises from the rear by shimmying up her chocolate drainpipe

- How she most likely had an unkempt bush, but that this could be overlooked in the context of amusing mental David Bellamy impressions whilst rug munching

You can imagine how it went. Anyway, unbeknownst to us, one of the prefects had set up a video camera behind us for the purpose of filming the game. Unfortunately, as we later discovered, our discussions had been picked up by the camera microphone and provided something of an unacceptable commentary to the game.

Despite something akin to the Spanish Inquisition, we were never found out. Several years after I had left I was having a couple of beers with a male teacher from the school and the subject of “The Video” had come up. He recounted the hilarious / earth shatteringly embarrassing experience of the entire staff, sitting in the staff room, watching the video for the first time. Apparently they put up with the commentary for twenty minutes (female staff grimacing / male staff trying not to crack up) before turning it off when discussions moved on to anal fisting.

Eat your heart out Messrs Motson and Lineker.
(Mandrill, Tue 3 Feb 2009, 0:24, Reply)